AIBU to be suspicious when dads of young children seem too "well"?

[UnderMilkyWood]

Met up with an old (male) friend last night. He has 3 young kids now with his wife (whom I haven't met) - 4, 2 and 6 months. He just seemed... so well. Energetic, happy, and going from strength to strength at work (demanding job with lots of travelling). As well as being happy for him, I thought "hmm, I wonder how your wife is getting on".

It’s a bit awkward when one or two women are arguing about how shit parenthood is for all mothers, while many other mothers are saying that they have plenty of time to do what they want, their husbands “help” etc.

Some women have such low standards, then project their insecurities onto other women.

Good god, they just have children. No one's splitting the atom. This idea that parenting is the most challenging pursuit in the world is just bizarre, along with the idea that if you're not suffering you are not doing it properly.

It might be the gold standard in your life, but that just means you're surrounded by people in substandard relationships.
Can you not even give headspace to the notion that all relationships are not like yours?

OP where were your kids when you were out? Did you turn up with bags under your eyes and sick down your back?

You know that way when you have a mild cold and you can’t fucking breathe and you look at everyone else breathing normally and it makes you want to kill them and their fully functioning respiratory symptoms - you can’t even imagine what breathing normally feels like any more.

Id imagine that is how some people on this post feel about relationships.

Odfod. I'm a sahm of secondary age DC so I have PLENTY of spare time 😂

Have a read of these boards though.. endless endless threads from mums who are taking on the entire mental load whilst their husbands prioritise themselves.

The desperate desire by some on here fo paint all men as wankers is so tiresome 🙄. I had two under 15 months and my dh travelled loads. I worked too. He did more than his fair share of childcare and housework when he was at home. He was more than happy to have the kids at the weekend when i went away with friends.

We’re a partnership. It’s how good marriages work.

If anyone has three children close together - especially at regulation 2 year age gaps - I tend to assume they have easy children who sleep well and are generally content. In all the families I know with 3 close together, this is the case. (Ok one had an awful sleeper first but only for 2 months then he was great. She still mentions her terrible experience 🙄).

So I wouldn’t feel too much sympathy or judgment unless she specifically mentions that she’s finding it tough. If she does then yes I would wonder why he isn’t finding it tough.

Maybe because people who are in decent relationships don't actually seek advice on the relationships board? 😬

You do realise that’s because all of us in normal partnerships don’t post about it, because it’s just the norm to us? The vast majority of relationships are equitable, even if they aren’t equal (as in, one parent is at work for 50 hours per week so it would be unfair to expect them to do 50% of everything else when the SAHP only has to do 50% of the housework/parenting while working 0 hours per week)

I don’t know. I always remember a woman I know. She had 2 children, baby and toddler and used to go to the same toddler group I attended with a friend. Without fail she looked immaculate. Matching outfit with clean shoes, never trainers. Hair freshly washed and blow dried, natural perfectly applied make up and never trowelled on. Slim and looking like she had never given birth. I knew her dh too and he came across as a great guy, he did sone work for me once. Of course I don’t know how much housework he did. I saw her a couple of years ago and she still looked amazing. They are still together after meeting at school and they are grandparents. Both seem happy.

Yes and no. If the DH was lazy after the first DC was born it's highly likely he will be with other DC. I don't understand women who complain their DH is lazy then continue to have more children with them which adds to the pressure and stress. Take contraception

@fitzwilliamdarcy unfortunately this is reality for some women. I have many friends whose husbands' lives have not changed one iota since having kids. None of them had a child expecting their husband to not do his fair share but that's the way it's turned out.

Plus don't ignore the career aspect. My husband got a pay rise when we had our first as a sort of 'congrats you are a dad 'thing. He has increased his salary by about 50% over the last 5 years since we had kids. My career had completely stalled. You don't tend to leave a job job if you are ttc or pregnant so you are stuck for 2-3 years per kid (minimum).

The answer to this isn't ' no one forced you to have kids' .

It's let's make men accountable for looking after infants. Let's expect them to get and take paid leave. Let's make socially acceptable to expect men to leave work to get their sick kid.

I don’t know 3 under 5 is a lot of work, unless your kids are unusually good sleepers and stay where you put them. I know a few people who’s husbands work away for weeks at a time (oil rigs) some look happy and ontop of it and some are completely burned out, on balance more women dread their husbands working away than are fine with it.

DH and I probably look ok, but we are both knackered and we only have one. We are generally happy but not exactly brimming with energy.

@DivorcingEU lol I think exactly the same! In my industry there's this huge cycle event every year. 70% if participants are male. They get to go out and train / leave the house at 6am to cycle to work - avoiding all childcare duties. They get the excuse of doing something Essential but it's total bs. Then they get to dominate all the work related networking anf are rewarded by their company for meeting the challenge.

Mumsnet is totally batshit.

Now people can't be too happy without it being "suspicious" to OP.

Would you like everybody to be miserable and depressed? Believe me there is far too much of that in the world.

And I don't know many any mums of six month old babies who are steaming ahead with their careers and travelling extensively...they're usually on maternity leave and even if not, a lot would not feel happy being away from their babies for long.

Yes...it's like in motherland when Julia's husband is training for a triathlon whilst she is struggling to juggle the kids and work

Most women can manage their own families, I find your assumption she’s miserable weird.

Most mothers enjoy being on maternity leave. It was honestly the best time of my life for both my kids. Still getting paid AND getting to be at home with my babies!

I went back to work when my eldest was 8 months and was working towards a promoted post before her first birthday. Travelled for a week with work around that time too. Also travelled to three separate hen dos in the first 18 months, leaving her at home with her dad for 2-4 days each time. Plus, my partner and I also travelled for several long weekends without her in her first year.

It’s normal and healthy.

Thing is I genuinely don’t know any good husbands who behave like you say. And all the ones who do f all were clearly going to do f all before the baby was born. I’ve occasionally been surprised when one steps up after their baby is born but I am yet to find someone does nothing who previously seemed to be a good bet tbh.

I went back to work when my eldest was 8 months and was working towards a promoted post before her first birthday. Travelled for a week with work around that time too

Good for you but don't pretend that's the norm...it's really not.

It's common knowledge that when couples have children the woman's career is more negatively affected than the mans. Why do so many women work part time? Why do so many women earn less then men? Of course this is not the case for all couples but it's a general trend.

Well, she's an adult. If she's not happy with their division of child care, labour, etc., she can renegotiate, demand changes, or leave him altogether. I think it's not particularly friendly to be thinking this way about a so-called friend, honestly.

We (both of us) we’re much happier and stress free with 3 young children especially before any of them started school etc. It really was the nicest time.