Page 3 | AIBU to be suspicious when dads of young children seem too "well"?

UnderMilkyWood · 2023-02-08T16:36:38+00:00

Met up with an old (male) friend last night. He has 3 young kids now with his wife (whom I haven't met) - 4, 2 and 6 months. He just seemed... so ^well. ^Energetic, happy, and going from strength to strength at work (demanding job with lots of travelling). As well as being happy for him, I thought "hmm, I wonder how your wife is getting on".

Wishawisha · 08/02/2023 18:35

fitzwilliamdarcy · 08/02/2023 16:46

There’s something about this line of thinking that’s like… all mums are long-suffering martyrs who gladly ruin themselves and their lives for their children, whilst the dads selfishly crack on with their selfish wants, like working demanding jobs.

Presumably nobody forced his wife to have 3 kids with her away-a-lot husband. Still, let’s get the sainthood prepared just in case.

I’ve realised what it is: my mum used to talk like this, as if her kids had been foisted on her and everything was so exhausting and tedious and my dad got to escape it by doing 20 long haul flights per year with work. I hate mummy martyrism. Hate it.

Yes… this is not 100 years a go. Presumably they both wanted 3 children and therefore one would assume they can cope with it - they decided they had enough time, energy, help, money etc. It doesn’t mean they can’t find it tough at all times but it’s not obligatory to look terrible…

StephanieSuperpowers · 08/02/2023 18:37

Johnnysgirl · 08/02/2023 18:25

That's a depressing viewpoint. Not everyone sinks into a mire of despondency when they have kids.

They've chosen to have three children in a relatively short timeframe, presumably if they found it hellish they wouldn't have kept going.

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Nobody mentioned a mire of despondency. But three under four and a wife in the 4th trimester? I would think that it's hard work and probably tiring.

WorkHardPlayHard1 · 08/02/2023 18:37

Im on your side OP. This seems suspicious and he seems oddly unaffected which is fir most a time of stress and sleeplessness. Other people seem quick to judge you.
Your spidey sense seems piqued! 😘

unfortunateevents · 08/02/2023 18:37

What a mean-spirited post. You haven't even met his wife. She may love her life, they may have lots of family support, a cleaner several times a week, lots of deliveries from Cook, Hello Fresh etc. They may have made a decision that they are having their children close together and he will remain as the breadwinner to enable her to stay home for several years. You may have caught him on a good week when things are going well and no-one is teething or has a virus, next week he might be up three nights in a row and look like crap.

Johnnysgirl · 08/02/2023 18:38

StephanieSuperpowers · 08/02/2023 18:37

Nobody mentioned a mire of despondency. But three under four and a wife in the 4th trimester? I would think that it's hard work and probably tiring.

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So what if it's tiring? The guy was on a night out with friends, he doesn't need to walk around with his ass dragging because he's got three kids.

Eyerollcentral · 08/02/2023 18:40

Comedycook · 08/02/2023 18:35

Yanbu! On weekend mornings round here the roads are chocca with male cyclists... taking plenty of time for their hobby and looking a picture of fitness. It is the peak of male entitlement...I'm sure vast majority have wives who are probably at home looking after the kids who have no time to exercise.

Have you read the thread on here about how women don't have time to exercise. It's eye opening

Hmmmm but loads of women do have time to exercise, they have no inclination to do so. I say that myself, I actually could do loads of exercise, not as much as I used to but still quite a bit. I just can’t be arsed at the moment and would rather waste time on sites like this lol. Believe it or not many women are quite happy to have their husband out getting exercise on a Saturday morning. Doesn’t mean they are crying at home with screaming children.

Girlswithgoodbodieslikeboyswithferarris · 08/02/2023 18:40

Johnnysgirl · 08/02/2023 18:25

That's a depressing viewpoint. Not everyone sinks into a mire of despondency when they have kids.

They've chosen to have three children in a relatively short timeframe, presumably if they found it hellish they wouldn't have kept going.

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Not only this, it’s perfectly okay for parenting not actually to be split equally. It’s perfectly okay for someone (regardless of their gender) to take the role of sole earner, work a lot etc to provide for their family, and another parent to take the role of running the house and looking after the children.

theoldcatsmells · 08/02/2023 18:42

Depends whether she also works. I can't imagine working even part-time and having three kids that young. Having no job and being supported emotionally and financially by a LOVING husband then fantastic - any one of those things missing and she'll be doing awfully and then YWNBBU

Comedycook · 08/02/2023 18:47

Don't know why the op is getting a hard time. It's a perfectly valid thought process. Generally mums of three children under the age of 5 aren't full of energy with a busy social life and a job that involves a lot of travel...unless she is incredibly well off. They may be doing ok and not struggling but they generally aren't thriving in all areas. Of course it's safe to assume his wife is picking up the slack.

Wishawisha · 08/02/2023 18:48

Eyerollcentral · 08/02/2023 18:40

Hmmmm but loads of women do have time to exercise, they have no inclination to do so. I say that myself, I actually could do loads of exercise, not as much as I used to but still quite a bit. I just can’t be arsed at the moment and would rather waste time on sites like this lol. Believe it or not many women are quite happy to have their husband out getting exercise on a Saturday morning. Doesn’t mean they are crying at home with screaming children.

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Yup.
I do plenty of exercise now but I could do
more… and for years I did nothing at all. This was simply because when I had time to myself I wanted to just have a long bath or waste time on my phone. When DH has a spare hour he rushes to the gym. Both are allowed. There’s also the fact that when I had babies I wasn’t prepared to leave them long enough - breastfed babies that lived in a sling etc - to go to an exercise class. That was still a choice. It doesn’t make my DH a bad man because he went spinning..

Whyisitsososohard · 08/02/2023 18:51

I get what you mean. When I know or work with men who seem to have loads of availability for work commitments or hobbies I wonder if it works both ways.

Then again I have worked with men who have stong boundaries with later nights or trips away for work and it always makes me feel more positive towards them.

Sleepless1096 · 08/02/2023 18:53

I'm with you, OP. There's a couple of gentle not passive aggressive at all questions I like to ask in these situations.

"And how are you coping with having all three by yourself when (name) needs a break? It must be tough not having enough hands, right?"

"Is your wife managing to get any time away from the kids or is it still too early for that?"

Also the standard "She must be so pleased when you get back on Friday and there's someone around to share the load for a couple of days. It's pretty relentless, isn't it?"

I find the responses to these tend to tell you what you want to know.

Eyerollcentral · 08/02/2023 18:54

Wishawisha · 08/02/2023 18:48

Yup.
I do plenty of exercise now but I could do
more… and for years I did nothing at all. This was simply because when I had time to myself I wanted to just have a long bath or waste time on my phone. When DH has a spare hour he rushes to the gym. Both are allowed. There’s also the fact that when I had babies I wasn’t prepared to leave them long enough - breastfed babies that lived in a sling etc - to go to an exercise class. That was still a choice. It doesn’t make my DH a bad man because he went spinning..

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Exactly. And I mean I was a twice a day gym bunny who ran marathons. I can’t even be bothered to do my old morning five minute plank routine which I wouldn’t even need to get changed for, whereas every single dad of young children I know is out for a run/on the golf course every moment they get. I’d currently rather watch documentaries or meet friends.

Girlswithgoodbodieslikeboyswithferarris · 08/02/2023 18:55

Comedycook · 08/02/2023 18:47

Don't know why the op is getting a hard time. It's a perfectly valid thought process. Generally mums of three children under the age of 5 aren't full of energy with a busy social life and a job that involves a lot of travel...unless she is incredibly well off. They may be doing ok and not struggling but they generally aren't thriving in all areas. Of course it's safe to assume his wife is picking up the slack.

But presumably the wife is benefitting from him furthering his career?

Sleepless1096 · 08/02/2023 18:57

Girlswithgoodbodieslikeboyswithferarris · 08/02/2023 18:55

But presumably the wife is benefitting from him furthering his career?

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Just as he is benefiting from her providing 24/7 childcare. Doesn't mean she's not entitled to a break.

Goldandpurplezebra · 08/02/2023 18:57

He's probably a typical man. Which is lazy but a good dad

Walkthewalktalkthetalk · 08/02/2023 18:58

I would be suspicious of a woman who I’d never met, knew my DH was married, with such young children and worked away from home a lot but still took up a precious “free” night to meet up with him and then - when he had the nerve to say he was happy - made a load of judgements about how I was doing…

Mind you, I would also be suspicious if my DH had a “friend” I had never met, who he saw fit to waste an evening on in the circumstances.

Your “concern” for his wife comes off as pretty skin deep tbh. And your “friendship” seems quite tenuous as well.

When will people realise that if you’ve not met the wife/husband you’re less of a friend and more some kind of ego boost?!

Girlswithgoodbodieslikeboyswithferarris · 08/02/2023 18:58

Eyerollcentral · 08/02/2023 18:54

Exactly. And I mean I was a twice a day gym bunny who ran marathons. I can’t even be bothered to do my old morning five minute plank routine which I wouldn’t even need to get changed for, whereas every single dad of young children I know is out for a run/on the golf course every moment they get. I’d currently rather watch documentaries or meet friends.

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If I’ve got a few hours kid free there better be a bottle of Pinot in the fridge with my name on it and a takeaway menu. The only running I’m doing is running myself a bath.

materialgworl · 08/02/2023 18:58

You are projecting so much especially as you've never met his wife 😂

Johnnysgirl · 08/02/2023 18:59

Sleepless1096 · 08/02/2023 18:53

I'm with you, OP. There's a couple of gentle not passive aggressive at all questions I like to ask in these situations.

"And how are you coping with having all three by yourself when (name) needs a break? It must be tough not having enough hands, right?"

"Is your wife managing to get any time away from the kids or is it still too early for that?"

Also the standard "She must be so pleased when you get back on Friday and there's someone around to share the load for a couple of days. It's pretty relentless, isn't it?"

I find the responses to these tend to tell you what you want to know.

Do you really stick your beak into how other people arrange their lives like that?!
Millions of families have 3+ children and manage to deal with it perfectly satisfactorily without well meaning busybodies cross examining the father 😳
Not all mothers are put upon, downtrodden little damsels in distress chained to the kitchen sink.

Girlswithgoodbodieslikeboyswithferarris · 08/02/2023 18:59

Sleepless1096 · 08/02/2023 18:57

Just as he is benefiting from her providing 24/7 childcare. Doesn't mean she's not entitled to a break.

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They are both entitled to a break. There is nothing to suggest his wife isn’t getting a break. Also, you don’t know if his wife is providing 24/7 childcare, nor does OP since she’s never actually met the woman.

Eyerollcentral · 08/02/2023 19:00

Comedycook · 08/02/2023 18:47

Don't know why the op is getting a hard time. It's a perfectly valid thought process. Generally mums of three children under the age of 5 aren't full of energy with a busy social life and a job that involves a lot of travel...unless she is incredibly well off. They may be doing ok and not struggling but they generally aren't thriving in all areas. Of course it's safe to assume his wife is picking up the slack.

I suppose it is valid to make the assumptions that the OP has if that’s her lived experience within her own life/family. That the mother is run ragged and the father is skipping around like a foot loose fancy free bachelor. I do know guys like that but most men I know aren’t like that - both parents get a good amount of time to themselves and work together to cope with the children. Some weeks are dreadful and others are fine. None of them are constantly walking round looking like a shell shocked character from a viet nam film. If they are out they’d better be enjoying themselves!

SnowyPetals · 08/02/2023 19:00

Some people are fitter, more energetic and more resilient than others. Some people are better at managing their household than others. Some children are much easier than others. Some babies are better sleepers than others. It could be any combination of these.

Eyerollcentral · 08/02/2023 19:00

Girlswithgoodbodieslikeboyswithferarris · 08/02/2023 18:58

If I’ve got a few hours kid free there better be a bottle of Pinot in the fridge with my name on it and a takeaway menu. The only running I’m doing is running myself a bath.

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Lol 🙌🏻

Girlswithgoodbodieslikeboyswithferarris · 08/02/2023 19:01

Johnnysgirl · 08/02/2023 18:59

Do you really stick your beak into how other people arrange their lives like that?!
Millions of families have 3+ children and manage to deal with it perfectly satisfactorily without well meaning busybodies cross examining the father 😳
Not all mothers are put upon, downtrodden little damsels in distress chained to the kitchen sink.

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Exactly! It’s almost sexist to assume that the woman must somehow be struggling just because the man has a well-to-do job. If fucking love it if someone bankrolled me for a while 😂😂