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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be suspicious when dads of young children seem too "well"?

191 replies

UnderMilkyWood · 08/02/2023 16:36

Met up with an old (male) friend last night. He has 3 young kids now with his wife (whom I haven't met) - 4, 2 and 6 months. He just seemed... so well. Energetic, happy, and going from strength to strength at work (demanding job with lots of travelling). As well as being happy for him, I thought "hmm, I wonder how your wife is getting on".

OP posts:
MrsRandom123 · 08/02/2023 20:18

elizzza · 08/02/2023 16:42

YANBU. When parents (mums or dads) haven’t taken any sort of step back at work with multiple children I do always wonder if it’s the partner, the grandparents or a nanny filling the gaps. Did you ask how his wife is?

My husband has progressed loads & is doing well & earning a good wage which in turns allows us to live comfortably with me as SAHM. I “fill the gaps” by doing everything & have done for 12 years, giving up my career in the process. I will retrain and go back into similar but obviously everyone i worked with will have had career progression which i won’t have especially returning part time, however, we made that choice together. I lost my mum before having my daughter and wanted to be there for her. I was glad i hadn’t gone back when number 2 became number 3 as well. He has no contact with his family & i’ve none now so i’ve did it all pretty much myself and yes it’s been tough but i’ve never regretted it or resented my husband just maybe his wife is absolutely fine (hopefully with support around her as it’s non stop otherwise) we don’t have a perfect marriage but we’re happy, the kids are happy & we have a nice life & thats enough for me.

OP YABU as it’s none of your business really how they’ve chosen to work their childcare situation between themselves.
Are you yourself not happy with your own situation?!

WandaWonder · 08/02/2023 20:19

Johnnysgirl · 08/02/2023 19:47

Maybe because people who are in decent relationships don't actually seek advice on the relationships board? 😬

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Or don't enter into martydom?

Girlswithgoodbodieslikeboyswithferarris · 08/02/2023 20:24

Comedycook · 08/02/2023 20:12

I went back to work when my eldest was 8 months and was working towards a promoted post before her first birthday. Travelled for a week with work around that time too

Good for you but don't pretend that's the norm...it's really not.

Don’t make out it’s impossible that a woman maintains her career when it’s really not. If you want to, you can - unless you choose to procreate with a deadbeat, of course.

You are obviously bitter about something - possibly that you couldn’t maintain your own career, or that your partner didn’t support you when your kids were small?

Comedycook · 08/02/2023 20:25

Girlswithgoodbodieslikeboyswithferarris · 08/02/2023 20:24

Don’t make out it’s impossible that a woman maintains her career when it’s really not. If you want to, you can - unless you choose to procreate with a deadbeat, of course.

You are obviously bitter about something - possibly that you couldn’t maintain your own career, or that your partner didn’t support you when your kids were small?

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I've just made up the gender pay gap have I?

I'm lying when I say more women work part time than men?

Ok

Comedycook · 08/02/2023 20:26

And I'm not bitter...it's pretty obvious that women's careers take a hit more than men's when they have kids. Everyone knows this. It's an observation

Itisbetter · 08/02/2023 20:28

More women are more central to their kids lives. More men are higher earners.

Girlswithgoodbodieslikeboyswithferarris · 08/02/2023 20:30

Comedycook · 08/02/2023 20:25

I've just made up the gender pay gap have I?

I'm lying when I say more women work part time than men?

Ok

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Why don’t you work if you feel so strongly about it?

Nothing changes if nothing changes. If you want to see change, be the change. Find a partner who lets you pursue your career.

Its really not that difficult.

And also, any woman that I know who works part time does so because they want an easier life, not because they have to.

Cocobutt · 08/02/2023 20:30

Energetic, happy, and going from strength to strength at work (demanding job with lots of travelling).

YABU

He’s energetic and happy because he’s got a nice life with 3 kids and a happy marriage.

His wife may also be going from strength to strength in her work too or she may be a SAHM which is a very privileged position and one that most women would envy.
His career also impacts her positively when things are going well as they can afford nice cars and holidays etc.

I’m energetic, happy and going from strength to strength at work (although I don’t travel) and I’m a single parent.

I don’t get why him having a decent life means his wife is having a crap one, not everyone depends solely on their partner being miserable so that they can be happy.

Honestly, you sound jealous.
Are you not happy or energetic or progressing in your career?

Life is what you make it and if you are unhappy then you need to make changes to your life instead of judging someone else’s.

Comedycook · 08/02/2023 20:31

And also, any woman that I know who works part time does so because they want an easier life

Because they are taking on the mental load and doing the majority of housework and child related stuff! Don't men want an easier life and to work part time?

Thinkwicebeforeyouleavemylife · 08/02/2023 20:32

I think you just enjoy finding things to be suspicious/annoyed about op. You're projecting so much here.

Man has kids. He also has a job. Presumably the wife works fewer hours and spends more time with the children and presumably that's her choice?

Comedycook · 08/02/2023 20:32

And chill out with your obsessive questioning of my life and choices. I'm literally observing the society we live in.

Girlswithgoodbodieslikeboyswithferarris · 08/02/2023 20:40

Comedycook · 08/02/2023 20:31

And also, any woman that I know who works part time does so because they want an easier life

Because they are taking on the mental load and doing the majority of housework and child related stuff! Don't men want an easier life and to work part time?

I work part time and don’t do the majority of the housework, nor do I do the majority of childcare.

Yes, my partner wanted an easier life too, which is why he also works part time.

It is possible to have a partner who you are actually equal to. Again, have higher expectations of men in your life. It’s only the norm because couples don’t think outside the box.

Again, if you want to see change, be change. Don’t just sit ranting about how women are so oppressed, Whilst happily sitting back and being a SAHP.

Comedycook · 08/02/2023 20:43

So odd that you can't see beyond your own life.

Comedycook · 08/02/2023 20:44

Like any trend there's always outliers

JenniferBarkley · 08/02/2023 20:44

YANBU OP, I'd be thinking the same. My kids are around that age and I know lots of families with little ones. Many of the women are happy, many are doing fine at work but I can think of very few I would describe as going from strength to strength.

DH pulls his weight here, we're every much 50/50.

We're equally unhappy Grin

PinkSyCo · 08/02/2023 20:44

Not everybody crumbles under the pressure of kids you know. Some people take it in their stride and some people actually enjoy it!!!

Lcb123 · 08/02/2023 20:45

I know / work with plenty of mums like this. Not everyone finds it a struggle

fitzwilliamdarcy · 08/02/2023 20:47

@TaraRhu Your husband got given a payrise by his employer just because he’d become a dad? Yikes.

fitzwilliamdarcy · 08/02/2023 20:50

Eyerollcentral · 08/02/2023 20:09

Thing is I genuinely don’t know any good husbands who behave like you say. And all the ones who do f all were clearly going to do f all before the baby was born. I’ve occasionally been surprised when one steps up after their baby is born but I am yet to find someone does nothing who previously seemed to be a good bet tbh.

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I agree but that’s MN heresy.

PinkSyCo · 08/02/2023 20:53

Imagine a mother of 3 getting judged as being a shit mum just because they were smiley and bouncy on a night out. Confused

cheatingcrackers · 08/02/2023 20:53

minipie · 08/02/2023 19:47

If anyone has three children close together - especially at regulation 2 year age gaps - I tend to assume they have easy children who sleep well and are generally content. In all the families I know with 3 close together, this is the case. (Ok one had an awful sleeper first but only for 2 months then he was great. She still mentions her terrible experience 🙄).

So I wouldn’t feel too much sympathy or judgment unless she specifically mentions that she’s finding it tough. If she does then yes I would wonder why he isn’t finding it tough.

Oh gosh I don’t know about this! My two best Mum friends and I all had 3 with 2 year age gaps. We all had rubbish sleepers! I just didn’t really sleep for about 8 years.
Looking back at photos, I think I always looked happy and full of energy. Most of the time I was. Sometimes I really wasn’t!

Johnnysgirl · 08/02/2023 20:55

PinkSyCo · 08/02/2023 20:53

Imagine a mother of 3 getting judged as being a shit mum just because they were smiley and bouncy on a night out. Confused

Precisely...

TrishM80 · 08/02/2023 21:00

Absolutely ridiculous thread. Is he supposed to look like he's been dragged through a hedge?!

Anyway, I see so many threads on mn complaining how men don't look after their health and appearance especially after marriage and kids, then when any of them do look good it's obviously because they're shit dads! 🙄

You couldn't fucking make it up, only on mumsnet! 😂

Notsogreatexpectations · 08/02/2023 21:03

People put on a front to impress/ up-show

Tohaveandtohold · 08/02/2023 21:05

I think yabu op. Lots of people parent well and also look well. It may not be your experience but he does not have to be a deadbeat dad because he looks well and is progressing at work, that’s a very silly assumption.