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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be suspicious when dads of young children seem too "well"?

191 replies

UnderMilkyWood · 08/02/2023 16:36

Met up with an old (male) friend last night. He has 3 young kids now with his wife (whom I haven't met) - 4, 2 and 6 months. He just seemed... so well. Energetic, happy, and going from strength to strength at work (demanding job with lots of travelling). As well as being happy for him, I thought "hmm, I wonder how your wife is getting on".

OP posts:
itsgettingweird · 08/02/2023 17:32

Would you think like that if it was a single parent?

People can be happy and doing well and be doing half or all the parenting.

Soakitup37 · 08/02/2023 17:44

Can’t assume anything, I’m a single parent who looks like I’ve not bothered to get dress with any effort most days on the school run, (back to work soon) and I’m loving the throw my hair up dress down life Im living currently- could easily assume I’m down and dressed from looking at me! What you see isn’t always what you get no, but if someone says they are happy and well there’s no reason not to believe them because they have children!

shard5 · 08/02/2023 17:45

What the op means is that although he looks great is he really thinking about his wife here or just carrying on as normal and she's run ragged because he's always travelling.
Which to be fair is not rare at all but there's also those women who just seem to be able to handle everything thrown at them.
Maybe@UnderMilkyWood you should have asked after his wife or ribbed him gently that he was carrying on as a bachelor when he's now a father of three.

verdantverdure · 08/02/2023 17:46

Like Rob Hepworth in Happy Valley?

He's got a 100K car and all his clothes are sportswear labels and his wife's in well washed Primark and isn't allowed medication.

2Bornot · 08/02/2023 17:51

YANBU

GasPanic · 08/02/2023 17:52

Marriage is about team work.

Maybe his part of the team work is busting a gut to bring home as much as possible and go through career progression to enable them all to be financially secure and her part of the team work is working just as hard looking after the kids.

How they decide to make their team "work" isn't really any one else's business.

EthicalNonMahogany · 08/02/2023 18:00

I think it's not just the wellness, I'd expect a parent of toddlers to have a fairly in depth interested conversation about the toddlers, how they were doing, the challenges of food and sleep, and along the way be saying what was tiring and what was fun. I get the impression that OP met him and he talked about work and life just like someone would who didn't have small children.

And before everyone piles on and says "oh not everyone wants to discuss boring baby stuff when they go out, you know!" - give over. If someone has 3 under 5 it is, or should be, their MAIN leisure time activity and you'd expect their head to be in the ups and downs.

Like as if someone said work was going well but didn't seem to look professional or be able to discuss anything going on at work...you'd wonder if it was going that well.

tillylula · 08/02/2023 18:02

Sometimes it's easier to look after the kids when dad isn't around because you literally HAVE to do it all. My DP went away for a week with work and it was much easier to feed just me and the kids and clean up after just 3 of us.

EmmaEmerald · 08/02/2023 18:05

EthicalNonMahogany · 08/02/2023 18:00

I think it's not just the wellness, I'd expect a parent of toddlers to have a fairly in depth interested conversation about the toddlers, how they were doing, the challenges of food and sleep, and along the way be saying what was tiring and what was fun. I get the impression that OP met him and he talked about work and life just like someone would who didn't have small children.

And before everyone piles on and says "oh not everyone wants to discuss boring baby stuff when they go out, you know!" - give over. If someone has 3 under 5 it is, or should be, their MAIN leisure time activity and you'd expect their head to be in the ups and downs.

Like as if someone said work was going well but didn't seem to look professional or be able to discuss anything going on at work...you'd wonder if it was going that well.

Blimey
I'd never have survived the friends with kids stage if they talked about them a lot

I never bore anyone with work. If work is going well, there might be ten mins of chat on what's happened. It's more likely to be discussed if it's going badly, to get advice.

windyarse · 08/02/2023 18:08

EthicalNonMahogany · 08/02/2023 18:00

I think it's not just the wellness, I'd expect a parent of toddlers to have a fairly in depth interested conversation about the toddlers, how they were doing, the challenges of food and sleep, and along the way be saying what was tiring and what was fun. I get the impression that OP met him and he talked about work and life just like someone would who didn't have small children.

And before everyone piles on and says "oh not everyone wants to discuss boring baby stuff when they go out, you know!" - give over. If someone has 3 under 5 it is, or should be, their MAIN leisure time activity and you'd expect their head to be in the ups and downs.

Like as if someone said work was going well but didn't seem to look professional or be able to discuss anything going on at work...you'd wonder if it was going that well.

Goodness what a weird way to think.

JudgeJ · 08/02/2023 18:11

verdantverdure · 08/02/2023 17:46

Like Rob Hepworth in Happy Valley?

He's got a 100K car and all his clothes are sportswear labels and his wife's in well washed Primark and isn't allowed medication.

How irrelevant! You sound to be as jealous as the OP of a couple who make life work well .

Eyerollcentral · 08/02/2023 18:15

StephanieSuperpowers · 08/02/2023 16:46

With three children at very demanding ages, you wouldn't expect him to be full of the joys if he was taking on his share of the parenting, I would imagine.

Loads of people can cope fine with children of these ages. It’s not always easy but it doesn’t mean that the wife is a wizened shell while he’s out flying his kite.

Eyerollcentral · 08/02/2023 18:17

EthicalNonMahogany · 08/02/2023 18:00

I think it's not just the wellness, I'd expect a parent of toddlers to have a fairly in depth interested conversation about the toddlers, how they were doing, the challenges of food and sleep, and along the way be saying what was tiring and what was fun. I get the impression that OP met him and he talked about work and life just like someone would who didn't have small children.

And before everyone piles on and says "oh not everyone wants to discuss boring baby stuff when they go out, you know!" - give over. If someone has 3 under 5 it is, or should be, their MAIN leisure time activity and you'd expect their head to be in the ups and downs.

Like as if someone said work was going well but didn't seem to look professional or be able to discuss anything going on at work...you'd wonder if it was going that well.

Utterly bizarre.

DoomedForLoneliness · 08/02/2023 18:19

I'd expect a parent of toddlers to have a fairly in depth interested conversation about the toddlers, how they were doing, the challenges of food and sleep, and along the way be saying what was tiring

Surely not?
What a way to bring down the mood😱
Why would, outside of the kids parents, anyone even care?

Eyerollcentral · 08/02/2023 18:21

DoomedForLoneliness · 08/02/2023 18:19

I'd expect a parent of toddlers to have a fairly in depth interested conversation about the toddlers, how they were doing, the challenges of food and sleep, and along the way be saying what was tiring

Surely not?
What a way to bring down the mood😱
Why would, outside of the kids parents, anyone even care?

No one, not even their closest relatives would expect this level of detail running in to someone out and about

Johnnysgirl · 08/02/2023 18:25

StephanieSuperpowers · 08/02/2023 16:46

With three children at very demanding ages, you wouldn't expect him to be full of the joys if he was taking on his share of the parenting, I would imagine.

That's a depressing viewpoint. Not everyone sinks into a mire of despondency when they have kids.

They've chosen to have three children in a relatively short timeframe, presumably if they found it hellish they wouldn't have kept going.

Sux2buthen · 08/02/2023 18:25

Nothings even happened and OP wants to moan about a bloke. For being happy.
No wonder this place has the reputation it does

DestinysGrandchild · 08/02/2023 18:26

MaverickGooseGoose · 08/02/2023 16:44

You don't have to look like shit because you have kids, not sure what you're getting at?

Yep, pretty much.
I don't get it.

butterfliedtwo · 08/02/2023 18:28

I'd expect a parent of toddlers to have a fairly in depth interested conversation about the toddlers, how they were doing, the challenges of food and sleep, and along the way be saying what was tiring

Why? No one gives a fuck about that on a night out. Or any night

OP, are you sure this person is your friend? It's a weird thread to be starting about a friend on a public forum tbh.

Eyerollcentral · 08/02/2023 18:30

butterfliedtwo · 08/02/2023 18:28

I'd expect a parent of toddlers to have a fairly in depth interested conversation about the toddlers, how they were doing, the challenges of food and sleep, and along the way be saying what was tiring

Why? No one gives a fuck about that on a night out. Or any night

OP, are you sure this person is your friend? It's a weird thread to be starting about a friend on a public forum tbh.

Smacks greatly of a very jealous response.

DrMarciaFieldstone · 08/02/2023 18:30

I'd expect a parent of toddlers to have a fairly in depth interested conversation about the toddlers, how they were doing, the challenges of food and sleep

Glad my friends aren’t like this. And maybe they’re just not finding it challenging.

People just hate to think that some people cope (and god forbid-enjoy it!) when they can’t.

DivorcingEU · 08/02/2023 18:30

YADNBU.

Any time I see a mother who is looking worn out, a bit overweight etc and a father who does triathlon I think: your wife does far more endurance sport than you, you lazy, self-interested fucker.

drpet49 · 08/02/2023 18:31

user1188 · 08/02/2023 16:39

It is possible for people to be happy op. The wife may be blissfully happy too. Who knows? You don't because you've never met her.

It's a sad to just assume she's struggling. She could be. Or equally she could have a good support system around her. Hopefully her marriage is a healthy one. Makes all the difference

This. What a strange thread.

TheObstinateHeadstrongGirl · 08/02/2023 18:32

I totally agree, if you’re not exhausted you’re not doing it properly 😂

Comedycook · 08/02/2023 18:35

Yanbu! On weekend mornings round here the roads are chocca with male cyclists... taking plenty of time for their hobby and looking a picture of fitness. It is the peak of male entitlement...I'm sure vast majority have wives who are probably at home looking after the kids who have no time to exercise.

Have you read the thread on here about how women don't have time to exercise. It's eye opening