AIBU to be suspicious when dads of young children seem too "well"?

[UnderMilkyWood]

Met up with an old (male) friend last night. He has 3 young kids now with his wife (whom I haven't met) - 4, 2 and 6 months. He just seemed... so well. Energetic, happy, and going from strength to strength at work (demanding job with lots of travelling). As well as being happy for him, I thought "hmm, I wonder how your wife is getting on".

I don't get the whole work thing. They have 3 young children who are not at an age where they are able to do anything for themselves.

The op hasn't stayed wether the wife works or not but it's clearly the set up of dad works while mum does the childcare. Dad has a good job - that's great. He's hopefully on a good wage where he's able to provide for his family. Yet he's being slated because of it? Maybe he hates his job, being away from his family but he has no choice.

And who knows - maybe he wife actually likes him working away! I know I did when my exH used to. Get the kids in bed and watching trashy tv on my own was bliss.

It doesn't always come down to one set up - husbands happy and wife is miserable.

I feel like this guy can't win. And I don't really like men either by the way.

I bet she doesn't.
Based on what, exactly? Your own miserable experiences? They're not universal.
Thank God.

The op hasn't stayed wether the wife works or not but it's clearly the set up of dad works while mum does the childcare.

There's no 'clearly' about it. We have 2 under 5 and both work full time. DP has to travel for work sometimes and that's fine. I'm capable of looking after my own children, as is he.

If you're a team it all works.

In fact, a woman posted in AMA the other day who has 11 kids and they both still work full time.

I'm with you.

The issue here isn't the family, it's the op. She's been so vague on what the family set up actually is. She's never met the wife and all this is just from a feeling she gets. That's what i find frustrating.

Some struggle, some don't. What might be a nightmare set up for some works perfectly for others. We're not all tarnished with the same brush.

Can't believe people are slating this guy for working away and meeting up with friends when there's absolutely no evidence from the op that the wife is miserable.

My exH never met up with friends because he was always working. I was always at home with the kids. If he ever did say he was thinking of meeting up with friends, my reply was always 'yes go!' He worked hard and needed to get out every now and then. And where taking maybe twice a year. I was more meeting up with friends for breakfast or a coffee but I still did that too.

I was initially confused by your postcand had no idea what you were asking/implying so YABU for a cryptic post...however I'll assume what you're saying is young children (3 especially) should be incredibly draining/hard work so much so that strangers will instantly see it in your demeanour. As you can't see any signs of him being haggared/weary you're suspicious that his wife must be taking on the 'full load' and he's merrily skipping through life?

Did you tell him you're worried about your utility bills, or how your home feels so cluttered and cramped? How about your dissatisfaction with the weight you've pulled on how disheartened you are sometimes that your life's so humdrum?
No I bet you said how you still socialise with Sarah and Jen and that the kids are doing well (yes, you're lucky, a boy and a girl). Daves working for himself now...you're renovating your kitchen and you're off on a little break this half time.....whilst nodding and smiling.
Your old pal might be blissfully happy, he might be bloody miserable. You've seen a small snapshot only. Maybe if your so fascinated you should have asked him his secret!

What a nasty thread

We had three kids that age once and me and my husband have always thrived. Reason for that is we are a good team. Personally we think there are certain people who make a song and dance over parenthood but potentially there are power imbalances within their relationship where one person is doing all of the graft.

We always did things 50:50 so our three were manageable.

My husband was the main carer for ours when they were babies and preschool, and he looked fine. Slept well, looked relaxed.
Largely because he didn’t waste vast amounts of energy and time worrying about other people’s opinions, second-guessing himself, fussing endlessly about irrelevant shit and getting involved in a lot of the pointless anxiety that many mothers do.
He fed, cleaned, played, entertained, read to and pottered around with them and it worked well.And because it did, I was less stressed too.

Exactly. This is how many people live their lives, both men and women.
Family life doesn't have to be a dreary twilight world of miserable drudgery.

One of the things I found hard was that if things were going well, you hid them from other mothers, because the backlash was unpleasant.
Mine slept 8 hours, fed well and never threw up, but no one wanted to hear that. Likewise the pregnancies and births were easy and short.
Only the sharing of misery and failure was welcomed, rather like most of the relationship posts here.

@NorthStarRising

Yep you only hear of the shite part of peoples parenting. That’s accepted. It’s not okay to say you had a few kids and breezed through it, or they all slept well, are well behaved etc etc.

For what it’s worth I had my 3 in quick succession before my life had even really got started. Apparently it’s even more shocking for a young couple to have been successful in their child rearing.

I am 34 now with 1 teen, 1 tween and 1 older child. All well adjusted, partly because when I was really young I didn’t know what was missing, and was very laid back with a good dose of naïveté about life. I just got on with, threw myself into it and loved it.

My husband just got on with it too.

I do find it odd how many people on MN seem to dislike men/dads and parenting.

He works away so gets at least 4 good nights sleep. I know dh did the same :)

Sort of NBU but truthfully if you find yourself thinking bad thoughts when someone's life is going well, you aren't their friend for some reason

Yes. It’s bewildering tbh. I know someone will be along to say well people don’t post about good relationships but that’s not the whole story. I think re parenthood a lot of people have an idealised version of what it will be like.