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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset at how I’ve been treated?

399 replies

UnluckyPennsatucky · 08/02/2023 14:33

I’m a long standing member of a club that has been running for many years. Unfortunately a lot of the older members have left now due to failing health and other commitments.
What we have now is new member joining and then leaving again a few weeks later. This is an issue as I do a lot of admin for new members and it’s a waste of time and resources if they’re going to disappear after a few weeks.

So, I put it to the group that we introduce a kind of “initiation” set up so that people who are genuinely interested in the group will put the effort in before I do their admin. Group leader agreed and told me to set it up but nothing too intense or over the top.

So I came up with two stages. First one is they are asked to “design” a new character for Harry Potter.

Second is they have to walk to a nearby field with the group and fire water squirters at each other (very weak squirters, hardly any water comes out, just a bit of fun).

So new members were told this two weeks ago. Last week, still no new HP characters and refusal to walk to the field saying it was too cold/dark and they could squirt in the car park.

Long story short, group leader has now turned on me saying I’m putting off new members and I take everything too seriously and spoil it for everyone (water squirters - too serious??!! It’s literally the opposite of serious!)

I told her about the costs of pointless admin for people that don’t return and she made out that they don’t return because they don’t like me and that the admin stuff I do is unnecessary too.

I’ve since been taken off the WhatsApp group. The next group session is tomorrow night and I don’t even know if I’m welcome anymore. I’m beyond gutted. I’ve been a member for around 15 years.

Do I just apologise (even though I genuinely don’t see what I’ve done wrong!) or turn up anyway and not mention it??

OP posts:
Dacadactyl · 08/02/2023 14:35

I'd turn up anyway but take the leader aside and say that you enjoy going to the group, but the admin is too much. Say you want to continue going to the group, but as a member only. That's what I'd do anyway.

Dacadactyl · 08/02/2023 14:37

Also the initiations you suggested do sound a bit "out there" and I wonder whether the leader has somewhat of a point in that they could put new members off. There is probably a better way of people showing commitment than HP characters and water pistols.

Glitteratitar · 08/02/2023 14:37

Without knowing what your group is and how keen people will be to join, I agree that the initiation idea is bad and will put off new members.

However, all they have to do is scrap the idea. Not treat you like an outcast. That’s really not ok. I agree with pp that you carry on as a member and drop the admin role.

AlisonDonut · 08/02/2023 14:37

I'd not join that club that's for damn sure! What the fuck were you thinking?

rubyslippers · 08/02/2023 14:38

What ?!?
Initiation even in quotation marks is off putting
and I would never want to be squirted with water
do any of these things have anything to do with the club?!
sounds utterly bizarre I’m afraid
part of running a group and volunteering is people being flaky

007DoubleOSeven · 08/02/2023 14:38

made out that they don’t return because they don’t like me

This is out of order but unless its group that is about Harry Potter and squirting water pistols I think you're initiations were unreasonable (and weird tbh).

Groups are awful for passing the buck with admin, so if it's too much of a pain for you leave it for someone else to do. They're clearly not going to listen while it's not their problem.

As to returning, thats up to you. I can understand why you're so upset and feel so unwelcome but you might have just been victim to group politics and that might be the opinion of one person not everyone.

Really not sure what you were trying to achieve with the Harry Potter character and water pistols though!

FourAndTwentyBlackbirdsBakedInAPie · 08/02/2023 14:38

If the group leader says the admin is unnecessary, just stop doing it.

The initiation thing sounds weird, but it depends on the type of group I guess.

Original poster
UnluckyPennsatucky · 08/02/2023 14:38

Dacadactyl · 08/02/2023 14:35

I'd turn up anyway but take the leader aside and say that you enjoy going to the group, but the admin is too much. Say you want to continue going to the group, but as a member only. That's what I'd do anyway.

If I don’t do the admin nobody will and we end up with a room full of people that nobody knows. The group has been going downhill since Covid started, nobody takes it seriously anymore. The older members used to keep it running smoothly but since they left it’s all going tits up and I don’t want it to implode. It’s the only thing I look forward to each week :-(

OP posts:
nopenotplaying · 08/02/2023 14:38

Water squirters??? You can't be serious!

007DoubleOSeven · 08/02/2023 14:39

Group leader agreed and told me to set it up but nothing too intense or over the top

Also I'd love to know what you think intense and over the top is 😉

007DoubleOSeven · 08/02/2023 14:40

What admin is there for new joiners?

Dacadactyl · 08/02/2023 14:40

@UnluckyPennsatucky does it matter if no one knows who is turning up then?

It maybe that "the old guard" did it one way and the new leadership think its not all required.

What sort of admin is involved?

Talipesmum · 08/02/2023 14:40

Sounds like an alternative solution would be to not require admin for new members until they’ve been attending for a month or so? I have to say, I’m agog to know what kind of club would require water squirter intros and Harry Potter inventions? It sounds horribly like forced team building fun… but maybe it’s very aligned to what the club does! Imagining everyone sitting down to the crochet sessions afterwards wondering why they needed to hold a water fight…

Practically speaking - I’d take the feedback on board, your suggestions made sense to you but doesn’t seem like others like them. So message the group leader, agree that it wasn’t a good idea, and ask if you can hold off on admin until people have been at the club longer? Don’t wait for it to get weird.

HotToddyColdSauvignon · 08/02/2023 14:40

I want to know what the group is OP! It sounds fun!

unless of course it’s meant to actually be a serious group about stamp collecting, in which case designing HP characters and being squirted probably isn’t your target groups first choice for fun…

ILiveInTornadoAlley · 08/02/2023 14:40

Is this for children or adults?

FourAndTwentyBlackbirdsBakedInAPie · 08/02/2023 14:41

UnluckyPennsatucky · 08/02/2023 14:38

If I don’t do the admin nobody will and we end up with a room full of people that nobody knows. The group has been going downhill since Covid started, nobody takes it seriously anymore. The older members used to keep it running smoothly but since they left it’s all going tits up and I don’t want it to implode. It’s the only thing I look forward to each week :-(

Show quote history

How does you doing admin allow everyone to know the new people. Surely they just introduce themselves?

Whatislove82 · 08/02/2023 14:42

She sounds to me like she’s at the end of her tether with you Op
and the removal of you from the group would suggest all others agree with you.

as an aside… your initiation process sounds utterly and completely dire unless it is related to Harry Potter

EscapeRoomToTheSun · 08/02/2023 14:42

UnluckyPennsatucky · 08/02/2023 14:38

If I don’t do the admin nobody will and we end up with a room full of people that nobody knows. The group has been going downhill since Covid started, nobody takes it seriously anymore. The older members used to keep it running smoothly but since they left it’s all going tits up and I don’t want it to implode. It’s the only thing I look forward to each week :-(

Show quote history

It's not clear why the Admin is necessary? Surely people will introduce themselves and then you will know who they are.

Whatislove82 · 08/02/2023 14:42

Agree with HER

Original poster
UnluckyPennsatucky · 08/02/2023 14:42

The group is a book club/creative writing club. Tuesdays nights is reading and discussing, Thursday nights is writing.

OP posts:
Dixiechickonhols · 08/02/2023 14:42

Totally intrigued by what club is - Harry Potter and water pistols?!

If it’s time and cost could you charge a new joiner fee. Or have new members come as a trial to normal sessions no initiation and after 3 weeks see if they want to join.

Whatislove82 · 08/02/2023 14:43

This is an issue as I do a lot of admin for new members and it’s a waste of time and resources if they’re going to disappear after a few weeks.

a more pertinent question is why they are disappearing

Hankunamatata · 08/02/2023 14:44

Why do you need lots of admin?

Original poster
UnluckyPennsatucky · 08/02/2023 14:44

The admin involves me making them a badge, printing them a log book and adding their photo to the group chart.

OP posts:
VargaV · 08/02/2023 14:44

Scrap the initiation, that's going to put new joiners off from the start.

Why is there lots of admin for new joiners? Is the admin absolutely necessary?

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