To be upset at how I’ve been treated?

[UnluckyPennsatucky]

I’m a long standing member of a club that has been running for many years. Unfortunately a lot of the older members have left now due to failing health and other commitments.
What we have now is new member joining and then leaving again a few weeks later. This is an issue as I do a lot of admin for new members and it’s a waste of time and resources if they’re going to disappear after a few weeks.

So, I put it to the group that we introduce a kind of “initiation” set up so that people who are genuinely interested in the group will put the effort in before I do their admin. Group leader agreed and told me to set it up but nothing too intense or over the top.

So I came up with two stages. First one is they are asked to “design” a new character for Harry Potter.

Second is they have to walk to a nearby field with the group and fire water squirters at each other (very weak squirters, hardly any water comes out, just a bit of fun).

So new members were told this two weeks ago. Last week, still no new HP characters and refusal to walk to the field saying it was too cold/dark and they could squirt in the car park.

Long story short, group leader has now turned on me saying I’m putting off new members and I take everything too seriously and spoil it for everyone (water squirters - too serious??!! It’s literally the opposite of serious!)

I told her about the costs of pointless admin for people that don’t return and she made out that they don’t return because they don’t like me and that the admin stuff I do is unnecessary too.

I’ve since been taken off the WhatsApp group. The next group session is tomorrow night and I don’t even know if I’m welcome anymore. I’m beyond gutted. I’ve been a member for around 15 years.

Do I just apologise (even though I genuinely don’t see what I’ve done wrong!) or turn up anyway and not mention it??

It’s part social though. So chatting first. Then Just needs someone to say let’s discuss the book now. If life got in way and not read then nice they still wanted to come. As a one off I wouldn’t think anything of it.

Just stop doing this. No wonder people don't want to come back. If half the group already don't wear badges listen to the loud message they are giving you.

Stop trying to force "community" with badges and restricted conversations. The collective gets to decide what constitutes community - you don't. And if you don't like how the community feels, leave it and forge your own, with badges and water pistol initiations.
See how many members you get, even with penguins.

That’s good she’s aware. They shouldn’t be rude and blocking you. Hope you can still enjoy the club. And now I want a penguin, a Kit Kat will have to do.

The penguins are a long standing tradition

Following this with great interest but honestly, this cannot be real. I’d love a book club but prescriptive badge wearing requirements, no small talk and insane initiation rituals would have me running a mile

Great. Then serve them to the book club YOU create, and you can have all the rules you like. See if they work for attracting members.

Ok well that makes the whole thing a lot clearer.
In the kindness possible way OP, most people aren’t bothered about wearing badges to a reading group. Hunting out a badge every week that is compulsory for attendance at a casual book group just wouldn’t be a priority for most people. Very few people would care about matching badges, pictures on the board or log books.
Being rigid and inflexible about these things is going to put members off attending.
It’s sad that the group isn’t the same as it was, but nothing you do is going to make it go back to how it was. Things change, inevitably. If I were you I’d have a chat with the leader, let her know you still really want to go and will drop the initiation/badge thing, and maybe go back to being an attendee rather than being responsible for the admin?

You say no friends and this is important to you

You are about to piss it up the wall OP

and then what will you have?

Sorry, but no. Give people some time to see if they like a club, don’t just assume that everyone who turns up once will return.
and they certainly won’t if you turn a hobby into weird chore.
As an adult, I am not interested in weird initiations or to be told that I have to do certain things in order to attend a hobby club.
i think for you, this is quite an important part of your life. For newcomers, it is just s hobby that they are trying out.
they don’t need a badge, logbook or photo added, turning up for fun is the important thing. You are making this into a muuuuuch bigger deal than it ever needs to be.
you sound very dedicated, but also very intense. Maybe broaden your interests and social circle? Why have so many old members left?

A lot of these groups are social occasions though - people don't just join book clubs to talk about books - they join to make friends and socialise with like-minded people. The books/writing are kind of a sideline.

Sounds like you want it to be like some IRL Secret 7 club. Special badges, log books, initiations. Pretty sure in one of the books one of the kids lost their badge and the leader said they were not allowed entry into the shed. The characters in the secret 7 were primary school age.

Unfortunately the club membership has changed. The people who come now want a more casual social occasion. They might enjoy books and creative writing but they also want to chat and connect with other bookworms or creatives. Sometimes creative writers have writers block and are having a break from writing but will want to come to group for inspiration or to hear what others are up to and might get a spark. You need to either accept that the club dynamics have changed or find a new club.

Initiations, badges and log books would put me off. It also gives the impression of a stuffy club rather than something that is a bit of fun.

There's no way I'd join a club that required water pistols in a field (???) or that gave me the impression I had to prove I was worth the 'hassle' of new user admin.

Sorry OP, buy I can totally see why these requirements have put new people off.

Op
you have been removed from the wats app group

no one has contacted you separately

they clearly all agree that you are out.

you have ONE option available. Say that you won’t mention the bloody badges or initiation process again.

otherwise… the last evening you attended will be the last one you ever attend

@UnluckyPennsatucky I did wonder if you were autistic but didn't like to answer. Understand that change is hard for you but if you're really going to need to let go of the admin and badges if you want things to resolve.

Fifteen years is a long time in a club and it's inevitable that it will change. It doesn't sound like anyone else wants it to be so rigid - I guess they're there to socialise. It's a voluntary group so it's never going to work trying to force badges and initiations and topics (even the actual book!) on attendees. The group leader doesn't want to enforce this stuff either, she should be more direct with you about it but I guess she has found it awkward. If no one wants the rules and admin, it's not going to happen.

Just start your own group and leave the mutinous chancers behind?

WTF has squirting water at people got to do with book clubs?

Also, the Harry Potter thing - suppose (like me) your new members had never read any of the books. How would you expect them to do anything?

I am truly baffled, OP. Surely you're not serious.

They don't have to be a certain way, in fact they don't need to exist at all.

OP, if you gave up on the unneeded admin (and definitely the undignified and childish "initiation") you might start to enjoy the group more again. Everything changes over time, you have to accept that. Bend or break.

OP, if you still want to go then go along tomorrow as usual, and drop the nonsense about admin and initiations.

A creative writing group sounds lovely, but if someone told me that I'd need to wear a special badge to be a member then I'd tell them to F Off... and that's before we even get to the water pistol nonsense! None of this admin is necessary - just let people know where & when the group meets, and then folk can just come and go as they wish, and you can enjoy the socialising and the writing. All this Secret Society stuff is never going to come back and is not something people will agree to.

This is a joke thread isn't it?

"Why have so many old members left?"

I think they'll all flock back when they hear about the initiation ceremonies.

Could you charge a small admin fee for joining, eg 10 quid?

That would do the job better than a water fight which I would think v weird and make me suspicious about what really went on at said club.

You sound 'quirky' and the group leader is humouring you - to a point.

'Initiations' sound like an utterly bizarre idea, particularly for a book club. Name badges for a club are also unusual for adults, but I'm crap with names so would appreciate them. Maybe make up a few and someone with lovely writing can put names on in sharpie.

Not sure admin is for you if you find those few things so time wasting. Could you pass bits of it to other people? Or let the admin go and just enjoy the club again?

YABU and a little bit bonkers!