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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset at how I’ve been treated?

399 replies

UnluckyPennsatucky · 08/02/2023 14:33

I’m a long standing member of a club that has been running for many years. Unfortunately a lot of the older members have left now due to failing health and other commitments.
What we have now is new member joining and then leaving again a few weeks later. This is an issue as I do a lot of admin for new members and it’s a waste of time and resources if they’re going to disappear after a few weeks.

So, I put it to the group that we introduce a kind of “initiation” set up so that people who are genuinely interested in the group will put the effort in before I do their admin. Group leader agreed and told me to set it up but nothing too intense or over the top.

So I came up with two stages. First one is they are asked to “design” a new character for Harry Potter.

Second is they have to walk to a nearby field with the group and fire water squirters at each other (very weak squirters, hardly any water comes out, just a bit of fun).

So new members were told this two weeks ago. Last week, still no new HP characters and refusal to walk to the field saying it was too cold/dark and they could squirt in the car park.

Long story short, group leader has now turned on me saying I’m putting off new members and I take everything too seriously and spoil it for everyone (water squirters - too serious??!! It’s literally the opposite of serious!)

I told her about the costs of pointless admin for people that don’t return and she made out that they don’t return because they don’t like me and that the admin stuff I do is unnecessary too.

I’ve since been taken off the WhatsApp group. The next group session is tomorrow night and I don’t even know if I’m welcome anymore. I’m beyond gutted. I’ve been a member for around 15 years.

Do I just apologise (even though I genuinely don’t see what I’ve done wrong!) or turn up anyway and not mention it??

OP posts:
Christmaspyjamas · 08/02/2023 15:01

Oh bless you. It's sad the group is changing.

I do think the initiation sounds awful (sorry).

I wonder what would happen if there were no badges, log book or team photo and people just did the creative writing discussion and chatting?

Maybe there doesn't really need to be any admin and weirdly maybe in getting rid of it you'd enjoy it more and it mightvfeel a bit more social and less bureaucratic fir new joins?

007DoubleOSeven · 08/02/2023 15:01

UnluckyPennsatucky · 08/02/2023 14:44

The admin involves me making them a badge, printing them a log book and adding their photo to the group chart.

I don't think any of these things are necessary.

Scrap it all. Keep sign up forms with necessary info only and a register people sign in on when they turn up.

Other admin will be details of groups rules which can be held centrally / circulated via email.

At the start of sessions just ensure everyone knows each other.

Butwhytho · 08/02/2023 15:01

Cross post. You’re coming across as very controlling OP, strong ‘my way or the highway’ vibes. No one wants to come into such a rigid set up surely?!

Safeworkspace · 08/02/2023 15:02

RipWheelersHat · 08/02/2023 14:49

I've read many batshit threads during my time on here but I think this one might top them all

Yes, almost 20 years here and my eyebrows are rather raised

Whoneedsleep · 08/02/2023 15:02

Groups like this are meant to be fun! Drop in or out as you please.

I don’t think it’s necessary to have badges or log books…makes it sound more like a chore than a fun hour out of the house!

riotlady · 08/02/2023 15:02

UnluckyPennsatucky · 08/02/2023 15:00

The badges are a sore subject. I’ve fought hard to keep them as nobody else can be arsed with them anymore. They were brought in 15 years ago by a lovely lady in her 70s. I just don’t want them to disappear too.

They can’t print them themselves as they have to be a certain way. I have the program that makes them.

I think you need to stop trying to force your views of what the group should be on everybody else. It’s clear that things have changed but you need let go

VintageThoughts · 08/02/2023 15:03

I'm not sure what I've just read??!!

Is it that you just don't want anyone else to join? Ever?

007DoubleOSeven · 08/02/2023 15:03

AutumnLeavesFallingIntoPlace · 08/02/2023 15:00

If the group leader implied people weren't coming back because they don't like you, is it possible that you're clinging on to how the group used to be and trying to mould new members to replace the old ones? I can see that would put people off. As people move on, group dynamics change and it sounds like it's evolving into something different. I can imagine that new members' expectations of a book/writing club would be staying warm and dry, maybe sharing round some cake and talking about literature. It sounds like it would be a shame for you to lose this club, but you might have to adapt to it being something it wasn't before and decide if you can enjoy it for what it is now without trying to drive it back to something that's lost with the old members.

Well said. Time to let go over the past and move with the times. People don't want badges!

New traditions will develop.

VargaV · 08/02/2023 15:03

None of that admin sounds necessary!

Scrap the admin, and scrap the naff initiations, all of that would put me off joining.

Whatislove82 · 08/02/2023 15:03

UnluckyPennsatucky · 08/02/2023 14:57

I work from home. Very few friends unsurprisingly 😂 I’ve just never been very good with people. This club was the only thing I ever found where I could be myself and actually socialise and now I’ve cocked it up.

Show quote history

Yes OP you have clocked up.

So… you need to go back and say that second thoughts - you’re rather scary initiation process was a daft idea

everlovelyjewel · 08/02/2023 15:03

wtf

Original poster
UnluckyPennsatucky · 08/02/2023 15:03

WaddleAway · 08/02/2023 15:01

Are they just name badges? Why do they have to be a specific way? What will happen if they’re not?

Show quote history

Because they won’t match otherwise and it’s meant to promote a community spirit.

OP posts:
Whatislove82 · 08/02/2023 15:03

“Cocked up”

007DoubleOSeven · 08/02/2023 15:04

katseyes7 · 08/02/2023 14:59

Even if this was a group l was desperate to join, quite frankly, wild horses wouldn't get me near it with that 'initiation'.
I imagine not everyone knows about Harry Potter (unless of course, the group is related to it?). They may have heard of it, of course, but not to the degree of being able to come up with a new character.
And the water pistol thing would be the killer for me.
I wouldn't entertain it, l'm afraid.

Does sound like the op is being scapegoated though. The initiation is crazy, but it was agreed by others.

007DoubleOSeven · 08/02/2023 15:04

katseyes7 · 08/02/2023 14:59

Even if this was a group l was desperate to join, quite frankly, wild horses wouldn't get me near it with that 'initiation'.
I imagine not everyone knows about Harry Potter (unless of course, the group is related to it?). They may have heard of it, of course, but not to the degree of being able to come up with a new character.
And the water pistol thing would be the killer for me.
I wouldn't entertain it, l'm afraid.

Does sound like the op is being scapegoated though. The initiation is crazy, but it was agreed by others.

Redebs · 08/02/2023 15:04

I can see why numbers are dwindling and people aren't coming back after a first visit.
What is the aim of the club? What do people expect, but are being disappointed about?

Dixiechickonhols · 08/02/2023 15:04

I think accepting the group has changed would be helpful. Enjoy as is not harking back to good old days. Things change. You aren’t betraying or ruining things if things move in. Don’t lose sight of important part of club.

Whatislove82 · 08/02/2023 15:04

UnluckyPennsatucky · 08/02/2023 15:03

Because they won’t match otherwise and it’s meant to promote a community spirit.

Show quote history

Who gives a flying fig other than you OP?

a “community” is made up of people wearing the same badge

OoooohMatron · 08/02/2023 15:04

You should make them run naked over hot coals while other members hit them with sticks.

riotlady · 08/02/2023 15:04

IS it promoting a community spirit though? Because it sounds like it’s just causing tension

gwenneh · 08/02/2023 15:05

UnluckyPennsatucky · 08/02/2023 15:03

Because they won’t match otherwise and it’s meant to promote a community spirit.

Show quote history

Clearly, it does not, because no one else views it as important, including the group leader. So let it go before you have no community to HAVE a spirit.

AutumnLeavesFallingIntoPlace · 08/02/2023 15:05

OP, the badge lady has gone. Keeping badges no one wants won't bring her back or keep things the way they were. If no one can be arsed with the badges, let them go.

TomorrowAndTomorrowAndTomorrow · 08/02/2023 15:05

This is... wow. What? Is this post meant to be a cryptic reflection of something else?

If this is real then you really need to take a big step back and look at things from the outside. It is sad when groups change but either stick with it and accept the change or graciously move on... you may need some therapy to talk that through with if for whatever reason endings are a thing from your life so far.

FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 08/02/2023 15:05

I think it's nice that you're trying to keep traditions alive, OP, but I think you need to accept that no one else does and let it go.

Maybe set down as admin and just be part of the group. Or a new group if you're not enjoying this one like you were.

Whatislove82 · 08/02/2023 15:06

A community is NOT made up of people wearing the same badges

it’s a reading club. No bloody way would I be pinning a badge on me for that

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