To be upset at how I’ve been treated?

[UnluckyPennsatucky]

I’m a long standing member of a club that has been running for many years. Unfortunately a lot of the older members have left now due to failing health and other commitments.
What we have now is new member joining and then leaving again a few weeks later. This is an issue as I do a lot of admin for new members and it’s a waste of time and resources if they’re going to disappear after a few weeks.

So, I put it to the group that we introduce a kind of “initiation” set up so that people who are genuinely interested in the group will put the effort in before I do their admin. Group leader agreed and told me to set it up but nothing too intense or over the top.

So I came up with two stages. First one is they are asked to “design” a new character for Harry Potter.

Second is they have to walk to a nearby field with the group and fire water squirters at each other (very weak squirters, hardly any water comes out, just a bit of fun).

So new members were told this two weeks ago. Last week, still no new HP characters and refusal to walk to the field saying it was too cold/dark and they could squirt in the car park.

Long story short, group leader has now turned on me saying I’m putting off new members and I take everything too seriously and spoil it for everyone (water squirters - too serious??!! It’s literally the opposite of serious!)

I told her about the costs of pointless admin for people that don’t return and she made out that they don’t return because they don’t like me and that the admin stuff I do is unnecessary too.

I’ve since been taken off the WhatsApp group. The next group session is tomorrow night and I don’t even know if I’m welcome anymore. I’m beyond gutted. I’ve been a member for around 15 years.

Do I just apologise (even though I genuinely don’t see what I’ve done wrong!) or turn up anyway and not mention it??

@UnluckyPennsatucky I hope you're ok x

I hope you are Op ok and I’d message leader before tonight just to clear air.
I suspect Op finds badges and photos work for her autism. Not everyone is comfortable asking people their names or able to retain info.
I suspect Op would have got different responses if she’d said I find name badges help me due to my disability. Club have worn badges for 15 years but now people don’t want to. I’ve asked if they will still wear them and they’ve said no.

If I was going to join your club and then was told I would have to do an initiation of any kind, let alone spraying each other with water pistols in the cold and dark for no rational reason there would be no way I would be staying or joining. How old are you - 5? The admin is pointless too, just a way for you to make yourself feel important and tell everyone you have been a member of the group since the beginning of time. If you want to continue in the group continue but remember what the group is all about and enjoy it for that without complicating with unnecessary tasks to give yourself a sense of purpose. No one needs a log book or badge, they are adults and can just give a brief introduction at the start of the group.

15 years in, everyone knows who everyone else is.

Op hasn't said the badges are name badges, just "club" badges. Sorry, but there doesn't seem to me to be any actual advantage, just op's desire to run the session like a meeting of the Secret Seven.

Everyone already knows the new members?

How many new members can there possibly be on a weekly basis?

Op says the current crowd, who've presumably been there long enough to know each other's names; are refusing to go along with her suggestions so we can make an educated guess that they're not all strangers who've just walked in off the street.

Second is they have to walk to a nearby field with the group and fire water squirters at each other (very weak squirters, hardly any water comes out, just a bit of fun).

What has being squirted with water got to do with being a good book club member?

I thought they were name badges hence Op wanted to make them for new members. How will people know who they are without badges Op says - I’d just chat annd ask them their name but I’m not autistic.
I suspect leader has gone along with Op not said outright no and Op hasn’t picked up on subtleties and social clues due to her disability and then leader has snapped and very bluntly told Op which to the Op was first indication anything amiss, whereas for leader water pistols were probably straw that broke camels back.
I’m just saying it was obvious to me that Op was autistic from a couple of posts and I’m sure the leader who has known her in person for years must be aware.
It’s a shame if a group can’t be inclusive. People might think wearing a name badge is silly but if it helps a member with a disability it puts a different slant on it.
One person can’t dictate to whole group but small changes that may make someone able to participate should be considered.

Well, even if we assume that these are name badges, the other stuff is still intrusive and unnecessary.
Filling in log books, photos on the notice board. Not to mention swearing your allegiance by dicking about with a water pistol.

I agree it sounds like lots of the admin is necessary. But I can imagine how it’s panned out. Leader has let Op carry on with it when lady who started it has retired as on face of it it was all a bit harmless and clearly gave Op pleasure.
Then rather than saying just stop it when Op complained re time taken/waste when they leave has sort of gone along with initiation idea and then when it’s all backfired been very blunt to Op.
It would have been better to say to Op please stop the admin and initiation isn’t appropriate for a book club.
But the leader is a volunteer and probably didn’t want to upset Op.

Fuck me there are some rude people on this thread 
Either they're just fucking rude or, giving them the benefit of the doubt, perhaps ignorant of any effects/traits of neuro diversity (people can pick their preferred phrasing there) or perhaps just didn't see the post where OP said she was autistic? I think it plays a part here as OP has disclosed it herself, but sure people can totally ignore it so they can bang on about 5 year olds and you sound like hard work and feel superior whilst condoning the shitty way OP has been treated in RL.

If the RL people have a problem with OP they could (oh the irony) discuss it properly with her instead of just dropping her from the Whats app group and giving vague hints. I don't think she has been treated well in RL - or on here. The irony is people accusing her of acting like a 5 year old aren't exactly behaving that maturely themselves...I'd be ashamed if my DC treated ND people like this in real life and would like to think the vast majority of people would feel the same if they thought it through for a minute instead of rushing to stick the boot in.

@UnluckyPennsatucky how are you today?

Unnecessary

Why are you replying to yourself @Dixiechickonhols?

It was a correction

Correction - post should have said the admin is unnecessary (there’s no edit function)

Ah I see @Johnnysgirl thank you (I didn't even know you could quote yourself, that's useful!)

Agree with @Dixiechickonhols post above.

I agree that things could have been more sensitive Around op, but I don't think that following the unnecessary 'badge rules' is a good plan moving forward because 1 member really wants to everyone to wear them and no-one else does.

I would assume that the leader doesn't understand the implications of OP's autism. So telling her one thing out of politeness while thinking another is leading to confusion. I'd hazard a guess that she doesn't understand that she should have said no to the admin rather than be polite or hint because that's not the best way to communicate with OP.

I think OP should go to the group and go along with the leader's vision or start a new group according to her own vision.

I'm not sure if OP is reading but instead of a log book you could have a Facebook page for your club and document the books so that you don't have to print out log books ? You get the pleasant reminders of what you were reading this day x years ago too.

I know that OP is finding change difficult so 💐 to that unsettling feeling. If you want to stay in the group then it might be time for change. It was never going to be the same as 15 years ago 💐

If the RL people have a problem with OP they could (oh the irony) discuss it properly with her instead of just dropping her from the Whats app group and giving vague hints. I don't think she has been treated well in RL - or on here.

I agree it does sound like the leader not communicated well or clearly enough - though it's possible she tried her best.

As other poster's have said she does sound like a volunteer and god knows running things as a volunteer can be a thankless task.

I think Op should get in touch with the leader and remind her of her autism and have a frank conversation about how to proceed - though I agree with PP she may need to look for a new group/hobby and just have fond memories of this one that has changed around her and possibly no longer suits her.

I agree that some of the “OMG this is batshit are you five years old???!” posts are unnecessary. But I’m not sure your post, or the other “Don’t you know the OP is autistic?! Why can’t people be kiiiiiiiiind?!” posts are as helpful as you think either.

As others have said, it’s entirely possible that the group leader has been trying to humour the OP for a long while now. She’s let the OP have her own way about the badges no one else wanted; she’s tried not to shoot down her ideas. It hasn’t worked well, and now the situation has got needlessly extreme with the OP being blocked from WhatsApp. The team leader would have been better to just say “No, we won’t be keeping the badges - and we definitely won’t be enforcing them as a condition of attendance.” Sometimes it’s tough to be honest, but it can be worse not to be.

So maybe it’s not necessarily a bad thing that some people have been blunt with the OP here. Granted, there’s blunt and there’s rude, but the reality is, pussyfooting around hasn’t worked. Clarity is important here.

WTF would anyone who wants to join a creative writing club have to go into a field to use water pistols? The Harry Potter character stuff just sounds childish, but the water pistols is outright bizarre. Is this a wind-up?

If you read op’s posts you’ll see she thought it would be fun and create camaraderie. She’s misjudged, likely due to her disability but club leader (who is aware of her diagnosis) hasn’t said no when she came up with idea. So not a wind up.

I know the OP is autistic

my son has adhd so I do think important to be accommodating to those that aren’t ND to some extent

but in this scenario - it would seem that the features of the OP’s neuro diversity is making what is meant to be an enjoyable, pleasant and social activity - unenjoyable, unpleasant and tense.

they have removed the Op from the form of communication that the group use. This indicates that all on board and all have had enough.

OP, unless you are will to take a huge back ward step and withdraw your suggestions - i suspect that you don’t be invited back and I think it would be in everyone’s interests you don’t pursue jt.

my book club is held at members houses. Quite honestly I wouldn’t want someone like the OP in my home, sniffing judgementally when conversation turns to Netflix or what I’m serving.

@WomanStanleyWoman2 I agree with a lot of what you say, I mentioned upthread I hate the "be kind" clichè bollocks (always aimed at women ofc) but I think some of these posts, in fact the majority are needlessly rude, not blunt. Some stuff is never going to come across kindly eg "we no longer want to see you" so perhaps gentle is a better word? Be gentle also makes my toes curl a little though.

It may be a useful thread for unlucky though as it highlights communication and how useful it is to ask for clarity to save people pussyfooting around so no one quite sure of where they are. I think that's the risk in social settings especially, it's a lot easier to have these conversations in professional environments.