I’m stopping them being grandparents apparently but I don’t know what else I can do?

[MediationNotWorking]

DC is 8, and the only grandchild of my parents.

I am divorced and DC spends EOWend Friday to Sunday with ExH, this is court ordered. ExH refuses to see DC in the week so this is their only time together. I do not ask for a change to contact unless I have a very specific valid reason and can “repay” the contact at a later date.

I work FT across 4 days, ExH pays no maintenance because on paper he earns nothing at all (he lives on fresh air – or more likely out of his parents bank accounts). I use my day off to do appointments for DCs medical condition.
I feel like I hardly see DC in term time/the week. They’re in breakfast club every morning from 7.30am, and then 2 nights a week stay late at school for clubs, they also do scouting one another night a week – I would never ever stop these, DC loves them and gets so much out of them plus it would be being stopped for selfish reasons.

But that means EOWend is protected time. I want to spend time with my DC, take them places or help with their homework or just chill out at home because I basically pay to sleep there in the week.

I know this is typical for many single parents.

My parents hate it. They’re not together anymore so I already have to split myself in two sometimes as they won’t be in a room together. I try and see them both 1 Saturday a month for a couple of hours, sometimes that’s during the weekends DC is with their dad, sometimes I have DC with me.

Both have said it’s disgusting, I should be letting DC stay overnight with them and if that interferes with their contact with their dad then so be it because ExH refuses to do any of the grunt work. They tell me regularly that no-one is going to take DC off me because I stop them going to see ExH.

They’ve also both tried to petition the court for access to DC, 1 overnight a month each and 1 overnight every week of school holidays (so 1 each at October, February and June half terms, 2 nights each at Christmas and Easter, and 6 nights each in the summer). My dad also asked that he be allowed to take DC away for 1 week every year and that it would have to be during term time as he won’t go away in holidays.

It didn’t go to court but there was mediation and neither parent could understand why I can’t commit anymore time than I have. Neither of them have seen DC since Christmas (Mum Christmas Day dad Christmas Eve) because I’ve
just not got the time, I feel like I’m constantly trying to catch my breath and never see my own DC. I have refused both proposals.

Both have said I am stopping them from being proper grandparents, and dads threatened to “cut me off forever with no going back” if I don’t commit to the level of contact he wants.

I will add the mediator both times tell them that I should not ignore the CAO, and they (different ones for mum and dad) did not advise me to do that as it could land me seeing DC even less – and both shouted at the mediator saying it wasn’t fair to them. No resolution was reached in mediation for either.

So what can I do? I can’t do much else? But this stress is crippling me, I need a resolution. Any ideas? I have mediation again next week with one and the week after with the other.

There must be acres of backstory here. People don't go bonkers like this overnight. We're they horrible to you as a child as well?

They sound disgusting, I'm so sorry OP

WTAF.

They both wanted to take you to court because they want time with your child on their terms?

Barking.

Have they been controlling or abusive historically?

Honestly if my parents tried to take me to court for access to my kids, I’d be going fully NC.

They are nuts. What positivity or benefit do they bring to your and your DC’s lives? Because it sounds like they only have a detrimental impact. You’ve already got a difficult relationship to manage with exDH, you don’t need added strife from your own parents. Fuck them.

@Xdecd 3 nights per week we have clubs on which DC won't stop and if I forced it for this I don't think they'd ever forgive me, which only really leaves 2 nights so that means even less time for me in the week plus there's the medical condition to take into account, I use those nights for appointments that can be done after school - all the HCPs involved agree that DC should not be made to give up their clubs and work around club nights as much as they can. But I'd be happy to arrange it for say once every few weeks each as long as no medical stuff.

Holidays I try and spend more time with them but I don't want to be tied down to a day or time or overnight because i want to be able to take DC out or take them to longer appointments and get lunch after it because we're not tied to getting to/back to school etc. But I'd be happy to provisionally book say 1 day in the summer each for them to have DC but then may have to change it due to appointments. Also DC loves the holiday club they go to so won't necessarily want to see gps.

Well fuck them then. How disgraceful.

A court would see then for what they are.

Is this a continuing pattern of behaviour from your childhood? Their way or the highway?
I find it concerning that they are so desperate for time alone with your child - I would be worrying about what influence they are trying to engineer. How are they both taking you to court if they can’t bear to be in contact with each other? Or is it separate cases?
Does your son FaceTime them?
I would continue to invite them for an evening meal with you all, but would explicitly tell them that they are seriously damaging the relationship between you and them.

Your parents are fucking batshit. They both took you to court?! I'd tell them to fuck off and then fuck off some more.

This can't be the only batshit thing they've done, surely? There must be quite a backstory. You seem to think there is a chance you're being unreasonable and they are being reasonable (nope) which suggests to me that they've conditioned you since childhood.

Have you ever ventured onto the Stately Homes threads? They'd probably be helpful.
www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4660201-november-2022-well-we-took-you-to-stately-homes

This

I honestly could not get over the petitioning the court thing. They sound absolutely dreadful.

God alone knows how awful their divorce must've been? Are they trying to compete with each to be the "best" GP?

Just awful. I'd cut them both off.

You sound like you are doing just great, with your priorities just right by the way. Don't doubt yourself

They sound mental

Why on earth are you pandering to this?!

Mediation? Court?

No.

They have no right to your child. I'd stop seeing them altogether

This.

You poor woman.

Awful parents, awful Ex.

You desperately need to start minding yourself before you become ill with stress.

No one cares about you and your child desperately needs the one decent person in their life, healthy and well.

Cancel mediation and block them both.

Life is too short to share it with such a toxic presence.

If my parents took me to court I'd never speak to them again.

The fact that they want to take you to court for contact speaks volumes about them and their sense of entitlement over your DC. I would cut them off without a moments thought. Even if you capitulate and give them want they want - it won’t satisfy them and their perceived ”rights”.

Do you want your DC to be around and influenced by such vile people?

This is a red flag IMO - in the circs they should be happy to come for tea to see him.

Obviously you can't muck about with court ordered contact schedules. Tell them they can like it or lump it.

Sorry you have shit, unsupportive, toxic parents
Do not let them pressure you.

@Greydogs123 Seperate cases.

Yes it's a pattern growing up, they didn't like me doing clubs or going to friends. They split up when I was pregnant with DC so no idea if they'd have been the same if they'd split when I was younger.

No facetime/video calls, DC does that with their dad some nights.

Serious question, have your parents always been abusive towards you or is it since their divorce?

The moment they tried to take you to COURT to get access to your children would be the moment the relationship ended for me!

What poisonous people.

This would make me absolutely not want them to have access by themselves.

Only on Mumsnet do I ever hear about such grandparent craziness. I've never encountered anything like it in real life. I'm a grandparent, would love to see my DGC more but they live a 2 hour drive away so we meet up when we can. I wouldn't dream of pressurising my daughter into seeing my DGC more often, and it wouldn't enter my head to insist I see them alone!

I think the fact that your parents, independently, have petitioned the court for access should mean they never see you or your child again. How could they? How dare they?! What were they like as parents when you were growing up OP? I can't imagine they've undergone a personality transplant since you had a child.

No. No, no, no. They took you to court. Disengage!!!

Wtf? Have you read the OP?

They threatened to take the op to court and are threatening to cut the op off. No one who cares about a child does that.

The GPs sound truly awful.

This doesn't sound like love for their grandchild. It sounds like a way to control you. Taking you to court! Wanting to see your child, but not with you! This is utterly batshit. You don't owe your parents contact. Look at what you can comfortably accept (if anything), set your boundaries and stick to them. They'll be pissed off, but they are now anyway.

At most I'd offer one night for tea, at your house, midweek. Only if you want to appear reasonable. And I'd hope they'd refuse!

Seeing grandchildren once a week is more than reasonable. Taking a child overnight, only seeing them without their mother, interfering with the father's contact time - totally unreasonable.