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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I’m stopping them being grandparents apparently but I don’t know what else I can do?

291 replies

MediationNotWorking · 08/02/2023 12:32

DC is 8, and the only grandchild of my parents.

I am divorced and DC spends EOWend Friday to Sunday with ExH, this is court ordered. ExH refuses to see DC in the week so this is their only time together. I do not ask for a change to contact unless I have a very specific valid reason and can “repay” the contact at a later date.

I work FT across 4 days, ExH pays no maintenance because on paper he earns nothing at all (he lives on fresh air – or more likely out of his parents bank accounts). I use my day off to do appointments for DCs medical condition.
I feel like I hardly see DC in term time/the week. They’re in breakfast club every morning from 7.30am, and then 2 nights a week stay late at school for clubs, they also do scouting one another night a week – I would never ever stop these, DC loves them and gets so much out of them plus it would be being stopped for selfish reasons.

But that means EOWend is protected time. I want to spend time with my DC, take them places or help with their homework or just chill out at home because I basically pay to sleep there in the week.

I know this is typical for many single parents.

My parents hate it. They’re not together anymore so I already have to split myself in two sometimes as they won’t be in a room together. I try and see them both 1 Saturday a month for a couple of hours, sometimes that’s during the weekends DC is with their dad, sometimes I have DC with me.

Both have said it’s disgusting, I should be letting DC stay overnight with them and if that interferes with their contact with their dad then so be it because ExH refuses to do any of the grunt work. They tell me regularly that no-one is going to take DC off me because I stop them going to see ExH.

They’ve also both tried to petition the court for access to DC, 1 overnight a month each and 1 overnight every week of school holidays (so 1 each at October, February and June half terms, 2 nights each at Christmas and Easter, and 6 nights each in the summer). My dad also asked that he be allowed to take DC away for 1 week every year and that it would have to be during term time as he won’t go away in holidays.

It didn’t go to court but there was mediation and neither parent could understand why I can’t commit anymore time than I have. Neither of them have seen DC since Christmas (Mum Christmas Day dad Christmas Eve) because I’ve
just not got the time, I feel like I’m constantly trying to catch my breath and never see my own DC. I have refused both proposals.

Both have said I am stopping them from being proper grandparents, and dads threatened to “cut me off forever with no going back” if I don’t commit to the level of contact he wants.

I will add the mediator both times tell them that I should not ignore the CAO, and they (different ones for mum and dad) did not advise me to do that as it could land me seeing DC even less – and both shouted at the mediator saying it wasn’t fair to them. No resolution was reached in mediation for either.

So what can I do? I can’t do much else? But this stress is crippling me, I need a resolution. Any ideas? I have mediation again next week with one and the week after with the other.

OP posts:
melj1213 · 08/02/2023 13:37

YANBU - having GPs involved in your child's life is supposed to enhance their lives, not cause more stress.

Your parents seem to thrive on causing you stress over anything else, including their relationship with you and their GCs.

Their demands are unreasonable - if your Ex has EoW and they want 1 weekend each a month then you would literally get no time with your child at the weekend which is never going to be upheld by any court. The fact you're going to mediation is above and beyond what you're required to do and I would use it to tell them "I am offering X, Y and Z (whatever that is - whether it's a weekday night they pick DC up from school and then return them at bedtime; or dinner once a week). Take it or leave it. If you leave it then I will not be offering anything else and I will not be facilitating any other time with DC as it does not work for us. If you want to take it to court, good luck but I will not be participating in this charade any further as it is taking time and energy away from my child."

Both have said I am stopping them from being proper grandparents, and dads threatened to “cut me off forever with no going back” if I don’t commit to the level of contact he wants.

If my parents ever tried to threaten me with being cut off then I would have zero issue with cutting them off and telling them "If you have chosen not to be part of our family then that is your decision and I am not going to spend any more time arguing with you when I can spend it focussing on DC."

Wedonttalkaboutbrunomars · 08/02/2023 13:37

these are your parents?! And they don’t want to spend any time with you, just your offspring. What poisonous horrible people who don’t deserve a single minute of your time and certainly are not who your DC should be exposed to growing up. They seem to have conditioned you into accepting this behaviour by even attending mediation or facilitating any relationship at all.

I would accept your dad’s proposal of just never seeing him again. One problem solved.

Youwhatnowbiggles · 08/02/2023 13:37

Wow, sorry to join the chorus - your parents are nuts and putting extra stress on you like this is just horrid of them. I’m so sorry. What rights do you have if you ignore the mediation - do you have to do it or can you not just say f-off to it?!

Rafferty10 · 08/02/2023 13:39

Wedonttalkaboutbrunomars · Today 13:37

*these are your parents?! And they don’t want to spend any time with you, just your offspring. What poisonous horrible people who don’t deserve a single minute of your time and certainly are not who your DC should be exposed to growing up. They seem to have conditioned you into accepting this behaviour by even attending mediation or facilitating any relationship at all.

I would accept your dad’s proposal of just never seeing him again. One problem solved.*

This ^

Sandra1984 · 08/02/2023 13:39

MediationNotWorking · 08/02/2023 12:39

They want DC to themselves, they don't want me there is what they say. I invite them in the week but they won't come if I'm going to be there.

Are you for real? I would tell them to fu-ck off then because these people don't love you nor care about you, your working hours or your difficult custody situation. Cut them loose, they need you more than you need them.

CorpusCallosum · 08/02/2023 13:40

No way would I let anyone bully me into them spending time with DC, especially without me there!

You owe them nothing when it comes to contact with their DGC. As a minimum they need to start being kind to you before you give them any more of your headspace.

Choconut · 08/02/2023 13:41

They were going to take you to court and are now dragging you through mediation? Why on earth are you having anything to do with these selfish, vile people? I think growing up things were very, very wrong for you to think you should - as an adult - go along with all this nonsense. I'd guess they were extremely controlling and lacking in any empathy and as a result you've become a people pleaser and feel obliged to do as you're expected to.

Tell them you're not wasting your time on any more mediation, and yes you are now officially stopping them from being grandparents. What selfish fucks, stop entertaining their arseholery and have nothing more to do with either or them.

SmudgeButt · 08/02/2023 13:41

nobody is entitled to have grandchildren and it's thoughtless/heartless of them to put pressure on you because of your situation. I'd be telling them this is going only go one way - them seeing less of both you and your child if they keep pressuring you. ffs - they are adults but are acting like children themselves.

Sandra1984 · 08/02/2023 13:42

Plus they seem to have a toxic relationship with you so expect they will eventually talk bad to the child about their mom and poison your relationship with your child.

Scooby5kids · 08/02/2023 13:43

My parents don't have my kids overnight apart from the times when I was in hospital giving birth. It's not a try a human right to have a grandchild overnight! How entitled are they? The fact that they both haven't made an effort to come visit your child at your home while you're there shows that us is more of a power manipulation game rather than actually wanting to be in your sons life. If they really just wanted to spend time with you then they would come visit st your home

AllOfThemWitches · 08/02/2023 13:43

MediationNotWorking · 08/02/2023 12:39

They want DC to themselves, they don't want me there is what they say. I invite them in the week but they won't come if I'm going to be there.

Weird. I would let them cut contact.

Doowop1919 · 08/02/2023 13:44

Utterly bizarre behaviour. Have they always been selfish, guilt tripping and nasty?

yummytummy · 08/02/2023 13:45

op i can relate completely my parents are the same and have been through very similar. it is not actually about them wanting to see your child it is also a way to control you. i am now nc with mine and still get attacked regularly by other family members for "depriving" them of their grandchildren but after the shit and abuse they have done to me there is no way in hell they are ever coming anywhere near my precious children. you don't get to treat your own child like shit and then expect to see their child. no doesn't work like that. please feel free to pm me as i totally get it.

thestealthwee · 08/02/2023 13:46

I wouldn't be busting my arse and bending over backwards to facilitate any access at all. I'd have a solicitor write a letter stating that they can see him at your home when you are there and when it's convenient for you or not all. That they aren't entitled to any formal access so it's whatever you feel is in his and your best interests - which given they actually tried to take you to court would be none

Justanotherdaytoday · 08/02/2023 13:46

Your parents took their own Daughter to court for access to her child?? 😂😂 this is what I'd be doing ten fold! I thought I'd heard it all! How ridiculous. I wouldn't have any contact with them at all. They are vile and toxic. You and your Daughter are best as far away from them as possible.

Justanotherdaytoday · 08/02/2023 13:47

Sorry your son!!

ValerieDoonican · 08/02/2023 13:47

I am astounded they have tried to go to court over this, and dismayed that you are entertaining mediation too, tbh. They must have a very unhealthy hold over you that you haven't told them where to shove their "demands"already.

Your kid, your time, your life, your call. Every time. If they can't be reasonable and polite, they don't see youor dc. End of .

gamerchick · 08/02/2023 13:49

MediationNotWorking · 08/02/2023 12:39

They want DC to themselves, they don't want me there is what they say. I invite them in the week but they won't come if I'm going to be there.

That's.... Weird Hmm I don't think I'd be happy with my children being under the possible influence from people who didn't want to be around me like..

Mulhollandmagoo · 08/02/2023 13:49

Wow!!!! I mean, they're aren't really acting like proper grandparents at the minute are they? Do you have to engage with the mediation?

You're doing nothing wrong at all here, everyone with children - particularly lone ft working parents are spinning enough plates without these ridiculous demands. You need to move away from this stress, can you go NC?

mtc2206 · 08/02/2023 13:50

They both sound awful. I’m so sorry that they’re adding to your stress levels when you clearly need support. Your child is not some pawn to be haggled over. They are emotionally blackmailing you and it’s not right. You’re doing nothing wrong and if they can’t see that, I agree with previous posters that you may need to stop contact with them. Good luck to you but please take some comfort from the posts here.

pinkyvase · 08/02/2023 13:50

Tdcp · 08/02/2023 12:49

Serious question, have your parents always been abusive towards you or is it since their divorce?

This.

I'm struggling to understand all the posters telling you to offer your parents weeknight evenings. I think it'd be much more healthy to go no contact, if my parents took me to court to get access to MY child , who I know best for, they could fuck right off and then fuck off some more

MinnieGirl · 08/02/2023 13:50

BubziOwl · 08/02/2023 12:41

Absolutely deranged. Tell them to sod off

Show quote history

That bit would have me running for an injunction….
They dont want you there when they see DC? That is really weird..

So you are inviting them to spend time with DC but they refuse because you are there? Have you got that in a txt? I would make that very clear to the mediation service that you offer but they refuse..
Why don’t they want you there? That is very worrying. Can you see a solicitor who deals with family law?
I would be going very LC with them and don’t give in to any of their demands. You need to spend time with your DC not them…

MangoBiscuit · 08/02/2023 13:50

You are not stopping them from being grandparents, their ridiculous demands and constraints are doing that. The selfish shits!

I am also divorced and have shared care with my exH. This means that my parents get to spend less time with my DC than they would like. Clubs and activities also impact this as they've gotten older. Would my parents like more time for themselves, probably. Do they understand that I also want to spend some fun time with kids? Absolutely.

If your parents want to be more involved, then they need to step the fuck up, and put in the effort to come join in with your DC's lives, probably by coming round for tea on one of the nights you aren't busy. A really good grandparent would bring dinner with them!

My3dahliasarebloominlovely · 08/02/2023 13:50

donttellmehesalive · 08/02/2023 12:39

I am usually all for compromise and seeing the other viewpoint but bloody hell they both sound awful. If accurately presented, their bullying behaviour and demands would make me go nc and I don't say that lightly. They should be trying to make your life easier not harder. Unless you can think of a way they can genuinely help you - picking dc up from school for example - then I think you need to be very firm and feel no guilt about it.

This

GloomyDarkness · 08/02/2023 13:50

I will add the mediator both times tell them that I should not ignore the CAO, and they (different ones for mum and dad) did not advise me to do that as it could land me seeing DC even less – and both shouted at the mediator saying it wasn’t fair to them. No resolution was reached in mediation for either.

Do you have to do the mediation - or can you say there's no compromise available here. I though UK courts only did GP access when there was a lot of regular contact and there was clear benefit to the child.

Oddly wanting alone time with young children does seem to be a thing for the generation above us.

Our DC GP also said no help once I was pg with first - fair enough then IL especially got odd after birth wanting bf baby overnight doing room up in pink - it was all very controlling - we moved put boundaries in and started presenting a united front and then we heard a lot about their "RIGHTS" and we were warned by DH friend they were openly talking about trying to split us up so they'd have more access Confused. They did change and never went near courts - don't know if it was their job changes which also shifted their social circle or us being united and getting much firmer or what but they actually got much more normal.

I don't see your parenst adding much to your your child life but stress - so walking away sound best plan but I would take legal advice first.