I’m stopping them being grandparents apparently but I don’t know what else I can do?

[MediationNotWorking]

DC is 8, and the only grandchild of my parents.

I am divorced and DC spends EOWend Friday to Sunday with ExH, this is court ordered. ExH refuses to see DC in the week so this is their only time together. I do not ask for a change to contact unless I have a very specific valid reason and can “repay” the contact at a later date.

I work FT across 4 days, ExH pays no maintenance because on paper he earns nothing at all (he lives on fresh air – or more likely out of his parents bank accounts). I use my day off to do appointments for DCs medical condition.
I feel like I hardly see DC in term time/the week. They’re in breakfast club every morning from 7.30am, and then 2 nights a week stay late at school for clubs, they also do scouting one another night a week – I would never ever stop these, DC loves them and gets so much out of them plus it would be being stopped for selfish reasons.

But that means EOWend is protected time. I want to spend time with my DC, take them places or help with their homework or just chill out at home because I basically pay to sleep there in the week.

I know this is typical for many single parents.

My parents hate it. They’re not together anymore so I already have to split myself in two sometimes as they won’t be in a room together. I try and see them both 1 Saturday a month for a couple of hours, sometimes that’s during the weekends DC is with their dad, sometimes I have DC with me.

Both have said it’s disgusting, I should be letting DC stay overnight with them and if that interferes with their contact with their dad then so be it because ExH refuses to do any of the grunt work. They tell me regularly that no-one is going to take DC off me because I stop them going to see ExH.

They’ve also both tried to petition the court for access to DC, 1 overnight a month each and 1 overnight every week of school holidays (so 1 each at October, February and June half terms, 2 nights each at Christmas and Easter, and 6 nights each in the summer). My dad also asked that he be allowed to take DC away for 1 week every year and that it would have to be during term time as he won’t go away in holidays.

It didn’t go to court but there was mediation and neither parent could understand why I can’t commit anymore time than I have. Neither of them have seen DC since Christmas (Mum Christmas Day dad Christmas Eve) because I’ve
just not got the time, I feel like I’m constantly trying to catch my breath and never see my own DC. I have refused both proposals.

Both have said I am stopping them from being proper grandparents, and dads threatened to “cut me off forever with no going back” if I don’t commit to the level of contact he wants.

I will add the mediator both times tell them that I should not ignore the CAO, and they (different ones for mum and dad) did not advise me to do that as it could land me seeing DC even less – and both shouted at the mediator saying it wasn’t fair to them. No resolution was reached in mediation for either.

So what can I do? I can’t do much else? But this stress is crippling me, I need a resolution. Any ideas? I have mediation again next week with one and the week after with the other.

I had to spend time with a grandparent who made a fuss about me coming over on my own. It was boring, lonely and rubbish. She didn’t really have anything to say to me as she wasn’t interested I. The day to day of my life (like she might have been if she’d been involved in school runs or had dropped in for tea with my family) she just wanted to be able to say to her friends that I was there. Some sort of weird competitive grandparent thing.

plus her food hygiene was terrible and I was frightened to eat anything at her house! The milk was kept out at room temp and always smelled terrible!

anyway, I guess I’m saying to ignore them and keep looking out for your child op, you’re doing the right thing.

I’d stop pandering to them and just minimise contact to be honest, what a ridiculous stressful circus. Selfish bastards.

I'm baffled at any suggestions of a resolution here because to be quite honest OP, this whole thing is nuts. After these two scheduled mediation sessions, I wouldn't be entertaining any further contact. What awful, awful people.

I ' think you should be in contact with either of them at all. As soon as they petitioned the court for 'access', I would have stopped seeing them completely. They sound extremely selfish and deranged and I would be no contact with the pair of them.

What do you actually get out of having a relationship with your parents OP?

They want to see your child but only if you're not present. Why? I'd say that's actually deeply concerning and a red flag.

They took you to court! That is deranged behaviour.

They are encouraging you to break a court order and shouted at the mediator. Again, deranged behaviour.

There is no way given the above I'd be letting them have unsupervised access to my child. I would say they can come over for dinner one evening a week and that you will see them once a month at a weekend with DC and would hope they refuse! It sounds like they would? But at least then you have been more than reasonable and can have no doubts you've done the right thing.

But genuinely, what are they bringing to your life other than a load of stress? If they want to cut you off, I'd tell them to go ahead!

Correction - *I dont think you should be in contact with either of them at all

Then they can fuck off. Regardless of what regrets they have about your childhood, your child is not a do over.

It absolutely enrages me when GPs like that try and abuse them court system.

The grandparents rights thing was brought in to protect grandparent relationships like mine - took us in and cared for us full time, but would have had no legal right to access to us had my parents won us back.

it is to protect children that have close, meaningful relationships with GPs.

it’s not to allow GPs to abuse, manipulate or control their child

And the reason they don't want you there is what, OP?

Honestly, I can't feel any trust in either of them. I know they're your parents, but seriously, wtf?! It's like your DC is a chip they're trying to pay with. Stand your ground. Get your time in first, your DC needs you. As yoyr DC gets older then things might get easier, but right now it's hard for you to eat together let alone find quality time isn't it?!

I think you should tell the mediators that the paramount test under the Children's Act is that all decision made about a child are supposed to be in the best interests of the child.

Nothing in what your parents is suggesting is in the best interests of your child.

After that, cut contact, and if need be, let them take you to court, They won't win because for one thing, they are asking you to ignore court mandated access.

Good luck.

Week 1 grandad picks up from school one night a week (non activity night) home, tea, back for bed. Sleepover when you think they'll get him to bed.

Week 2 grandma same.

I'd only offer a few days in the two week hols

Have I read this right? Your parents have taken you to court to see more of YOUR child? If that is indeed correct I would cut both of them out of your life what awful spiteful, toxic individuals they both are

I felt a bit sorry for them until you mentioned court! Who does that?? I Wilco say that neither you nor your DC gain anything from having them in your lives. I would go NC.

Your own parents are taking you to court for access to their grandchild? Oh they can do one. I’d cut contact completely.

Crazy that they think your daughter actually needs grandparents

Badger1970 · Today 13:19
It sounds very sad that they're so desperate for contact that they'd resort to this.
I personally think time with grandparents is just as rewarding as after school activities, and you don't want your DC to resent you in later years for not having had a relationship with them.

Surely there is a middle ground somewhere?

The middle ground would be helping out taking the children to their clubs, having dinner on the mid week days OP offered. And then seeing their own child as well as grandchildren. This is what they said no too.

They’ve also both tried to petition the court for access to DC, 1 overnight a month each and 1 overnight every week of school holidays (so 1 each at October, February and June half terms, 2 nights each at Christmas and Easter, and 6 nights each in the summer). My dad also asked that he be allowed to take DC away for 1 week every year and that it would have to be during term time as he won’t go away in holidays.

Absolutely fucking no way on God's green earth would I be having a relationship with them if they pulled this shit. They sound like a pair of monsters.

Absolutely this.

Gobsmacked by anyone suggesting a resolution other than cutting them off completely?! Madness

Refuse mediation and let them take you to court, good luck to them but I don't fancy their chances. And stop bothering to see them at al ok they're selfish and unsupportive

Her parents are divorced so everything you suggested would have to be doubled.

that’s completely unreasonable and presumably your parents are either still together or they’re happy to alternate with each other

If it goes to court I think you can each for their proceedings to be consolidated under one file number. Let’s face it, if they can’t stand the sight of each other, I’m sure both of them in the same courtroom would cause sparks to fly and that would be priceless in front of a judge.

What shitty people. Spending their spare money on lawyers and court instead of providing you with support.

So the only people "stopping them from being proper grandparents" - is themselves.

They hate each other and won't be in the same room. I suspect access to your DC is another skirmish in their war against each other - who will win what they want, and therefore 'beat' the other? Selfish, selfish fuckers, the pair of them .

So - fuck them. Stop tying yourself in knots and stop giving them any of your precious time with your DC. Stop facilitating them, stop giving them access. Protect your DC from this pair, because they are damaging. They were shit parents, and they're shit grandparents too.

"So what can I do? I can’t do much else? But this stress is crippling me, I need a resolution. Any ideas? I have mediation again next week with one and the week after with the other."
Honestly, I would cancel both mediation sessions and tell the pair of them that if they want to see YOUR DC, it will be on YOUR terms. They cannot be reasoned with, so don't waste your energy. I personally think going NC (no contact) with them would do your stress levels a power of good.

Cut them off they sound insane. Also take you to court, grandparents have zero rights.