I’m stopping them being grandparents apparently but I don’t know what else I can do?

[MediationNotWorking]

DC is 8, and the only grandchild of my parents.

I am divorced and DC spends EOWend Friday to Sunday with ExH, this is court ordered. ExH refuses to see DC in the week so this is their only time together. I do not ask for a change to contact unless I have a very specific valid reason and can “repay” the contact at a later date.

I work FT across 4 days, ExH pays no maintenance because on paper he earns nothing at all (he lives on fresh air – or more likely out of his parents bank accounts). I use my day off to do appointments for DCs medical condition.
I feel like I hardly see DC in term time/the week. They’re in breakfast club every morning from 7.30am, and then 2 nights a week stay late at school for clubs, they also do scouting one another night a week – I would never ever stop these, DC loves them and gets so much out of them plus it would be being stopped for selfish reasons.

But that means EOWend is protected time. I want to spend time with my DC, take them places or help with their homework or just chill out at home because I basically pay to sleep there in the week.

I know this is typical for many single parents.

My parents hate it. They’re not together anymore so I already have to split myself in two sometimes as they won’t be in a room together. I try and see them both 1 Saturday a month for a couple of hours, sometimes that’s during the weekends DC is with their dad, sometimes I have DC with me.

Both have said it’s disgusting, I should be letting DC stay overnight with them and if that interferes with their contact with their dad then so be it because ExH refuses to do any of the grunt work. They tell me regularly that no-one is going to take DC off me because I stop them going to see ExH.

They’ve also both tried to petition the court for access to DC, 1 overnight a month each and 1 overnight every week of school holidays (so 1 each at October, February and June half terms, 2 nights each at Christmas and Easter, and 6 nights each in the summer). My dad also asked that he be allowed to take DC away for 1 week every year and that it would have to be during term time as he won’t go away in holidays.

It didn’t go to court but there was mediation and neither parent could understand why I can’t commit anymore time than I have. Neither of them have seen DC since Christmas (Mum Christmas Day dad Christmas Eve) because I’ve
just not got the time, I feel like I’m constantly trying to catch my breath and never see my own DC. I have refused both proposals.

Both have said I am stopping them from being proper grandparents, and dads threatened to “cut me off forever with no going back” if I don’t commit to the level of contact he wants.

I will add the mediator both times tell them that I should not ignore the CAO, and they (different ones for mum and dad) did not advise me to do that as it could land me seeing DC even less – and both shouted at the mediator saying it wasn’t fair to them. No resolution was reached in mediation for either.

So what can I do? I can’t do much else? But this stress is crippling me, I need a resolution. Any ideas? I have mediation again next week with one and the week after with the other.

Just to add, I would definitely cancel both mediation sessions too. Enjoy your time with YOUR child.

@NewToRenting My Ex works, he's a "volunteer" in his dads business aka he doesn't get paid to work for them but they pay themselves extra and pay everything for him from their bank accounts.

@larchforest One sibling whose childless and will remain so (doesn't want children).

Both of your parents are behaving appallingly and sound extremely selfish. What is best for your child? They enjoy their clubs, they don’t want to give these up to see GP’s. They already spend every other weekend at their fathers. Surely they don’t need more overnight stays away from home and may want the time with their mum as much as you want the time with them. Put your child’s happiness first, as you already are, and your own. You’ve offered for your parents to see you both during the week and they’ve declined. Their choice and their loss. Not your fault. Don’t be made to feel guilty by these awful people. 💐

How was mediation @MediationNotWorking

Yanbu

They expect far too much. Agree with PP can you use them for doing the run to scouts and maybe they have them for tea before or after this and alternate weekly. Or something else which may benefit you and give them some quality time.

Did your children get to see their grandparents more before your separation? If so I can understand your family being disappointed. Do they understand the logistics of your day to day living?
Whilst some people have said they should just come round yours (or even enjoy the family visits from the children and you) I do understand why they might want to spend alone time with gheir GC. Is this what used to happen?
What's the situation in the school holidays? I'm assuming you don't get all of the holidays off so maybe use holiday clubs. Do your parents work? Could they maybe have 2 days/1 evening with the children each during school breaks? Surely this could benefit everyone. If they work, with enough notice they could book AL. Could they perhaps collect children 1 evening a week for tea. Does it have to be days and overnights? If they really care they'll do it. One weds at nans, next weds a grandads?
I definitely don't think you should be reducing contact with their father or having time out of school for holidays. No court will agree to that. Ultimately l think GPs should make an effort to visit you once in a while too to maintain the bond.
Good luck

They both sound appalling.

I don’t understand how they can petition for access though. Grandparents don’t have access rights do they?

They are ridiculous. I think the amount they see dc is fine considering. Maybe offer a day a week in the hols (alternate each grandparent) with overnight if your dc wants to. And invite them for tea occasionally after school? But only if the time you spend with them is pleasant. Otherwise I'd do bare minimum for dc sake.

I do get it tho when I split with ex he had kids eow and I would say we saw grandparents about once a month . I'd often visit in the week on my own as I worked part time .

This is an insane situations and they are abusive lunatic arseholes. If they are refusing to come see you both during the week when it might actually be helpful, and are trying to take you to court, you owe them absolutely nothing and your life will be so much better without them in it. Definitely don’t do the mediation, it’s utter lunacy and you don’t have to go along with it. I’m sorry you are going through this and I hope you can find some support in real life to help heal from their lifetime abuse of you.

ZOMBIE THREAD.

OP hasn't been back for yonks.

Can each of the grandparents take one week night per fortnight and pick up child from school? Go to club and then tea time and stay over and deliver them to school - ticking all the boxes like home work and lunch packed. Also allot time during School Holidays - perhaps each gets two days and one with DC each holidays. One weekend a month you could drop DC to Dad's for four hours and then to Mum's for a similar time.

Does DC enjoy visiting the grandparents?

They sound very unreasonable. I’m a grandparent and love my grandchildren very much. But my first concern is my children. Whatever they decide is right for their kids is what is most important to me.

This is your child and it sounds like you are doing a very good job of parenting your child. I’m sorry that your parents are being like this. They had their turn at parenting. Grand parenting means doing what you can when required and enjoying those times. Not demanding a grandchild’s presence.

Somebody may have already asked this but can they come to you? Say Sunday breakfast once a month or so, and after breakfast a play in a park near you with your child? You are the parent now. It’s on your terms not theirs.

Just try to be calm about it all when you tell them how you want it to be.

Calm and firm, I mean.

at least its only 2 months and not years 🤷‍♀️