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Original poster

I’m stopping them being grandparents apparently but I don’t know what else I can do?

291 replies

MediationNotWorking · 08/02/2023 12:32

DC is 8, and the only grandchild of my parents.

I am divorced and DC spends EOWend Friday to Sunday with ExH, this is court ordered. ExH refuses to see DC in the week so this is their only time together. I do not ask for a change to contact unless I have a very specific valid reason and can “repay” the contact at a later date.

I work FT across 4 days, ExH pays no maintenance because on paper he earns nothing at all (he lives on fresh air – or more likely out of his parents bank accounts). I use my day off to do appointments for DCs medical condition.
I feel like I hardly see DC in term time/the week. They’re in breakfast club every morning from 7.30am, and then 2 nights a week stay late at school for clubs, they also do scouting one another night a week – I would never ever stop these, DC loves them and gets so much out of them plus it would be being stopped for selfish reasons.

But that means EOWend is protected time. I want to spend time with my DC, take them places or help with their homework or just chill out at home because I basically pay to sleep there in the week.

I know this is typical for many single parents.

My parents hate it. They’re not together anymore so I already have to split myself in two sometimes as they won’t be in a room together. I try and see them both 1 Saturday a month for a couple of hours, sometimes that’s during the weekends DC is with their dad, sometimes I have DC with me.

Both have said it’s disgusting, I should be letting DC stay overnight with them and if that interferes with their contact with their dad then so be it because ExH refuses to do any of the grunt work. They tell me regularly that no-one is going to take DC off me because I stop them going to see ExH.

They’ve also both tried to petition the court for access to DC, 1 overnight a month each and 1 overnight every week of school holidays (so 1 each at October, February and June half terms, 2 nights each at Christmas and Easter, and 6 nights each in the summer). My dad also asked that he be allowed to take DC away for 1 week every year and that it would have to be during term time as he won’t go away in holidays.

It didn’t go to court but there was mediation and neither parent could understand why I can’t commit anymore time than I have. Neither of them have seen DC since Christmas (Mum Christmas Day dad Christmas Eve) because I’ve
just not got the time, I feel like I’m constantly trying to catch my breath and never see my own DC. I have refused both proposals.

Both have said I am stopping them from being proper grandparents, and dads threatened to “cut me off forever with no going back” if I don’t commit to the level of contact he wants.

I will add the mediator both times tell them that I should not ignore the CAO, and they (different ones for mum and dad) did not advise me to do that as it could land me seeing DC even less – and both shouted at the mediator saying it wasn’t fair to them. No resolution was reached in mediation for either.

So what can I do? I can’t do much else? But this stress is crippling me, I need a resolution. Any ideas? I have mediation again next week with one and the week after with the other.

OP posts:
Badger1970 · 08/02/2023 13:19

It sounds very sad that they're so desperate for contact that they'd resort to this.
I personally think time with grandparents is just as rewarding as after school activities, and you don't want your DC to resent you in later years for not having had a relationship with them.

Surely there is a middle ground somewhere?

Rosscameasdoody · 08/02/2023 13:19

Rosscameasdoody · 08/02/2023 13:14

if they make that demand when you go to mediation, they’ll shoot themselves in the foot because it’s bonkers and there’s nothing they could come up with to justify it. If you’ve also invited them to come during the week and they’ve refused, even more so. Hopefully it will be evident to the mediator that they’re making things more difficult for you, and that will be an end to their demands. I’d be inclined to go NC for a while to give yourself a rest. Good luck.

Show quote history

Posted too soon. Or you could just cancel the mediation and let them get on with it. They don’t have any rights as grandparents and if they want to pursue it through the courts they’ll waste a lot of money doing it. They’re also doing a bang up job in proving themselves to be, shall we say, not the best of influences on their DGC.

BigMadAdrian · 08/02/2023 13:19

They are batshit and abusive. I would stop seeing them completely - I’m pretty sure grandparents have no legal rights in the UK.

Couldyounot · 08/02/2023 13:20

Nothing you do will ever be enough so you'll lose very little by telling the pair of them to fuck off out of it.

catandcoffee · 08/02/2023 13:20

MediationNotWorking · 08/02/2023 12:39

They want DC to themselves, they don't want me there is what they say. I invite them in the week but they won't come if I'm going to be there.

That is not a normal reaction. I'm GM I'd die for my GC but they sound very weird.

Honestly OP I'd tell them to fuck off but maybe in a polite way.

How dare they demand to see GC alone.
Up your boundaries OP.

Heartsandbirds · 08/02/2023 13:20

They’re loopy and completely toxic. Sorry OP.

TheLastDreamOfTheOak · 08/02/2023 13:22

This is one of the worst things I've read on here. I can't get my head around them refusing to help you in the week (and therefore seeing the kids) and actually taking you to court to try and disrupt you and to be fair your ex's time with them.
It's honestly unhinged. I don't think you should let the kids anywhere near them without supervision-and that's what I'd say to them if they ever say again they don't want to see the kids with you there-it's just too weird for words!

Sorry op. Saddled with such horrible parents and a horrible ex to boot.

Quitelikeit · 08/02/2023 13:22

I find this whole thing very bizarre

Without going into the ins or outs of it many, many children have relationships with their grandparents and going to their fathers house four nights a month does not stop that.

This child is being treat like some kind of trophy.

It takes a village to raise a child, if your parents are not abusive you are doing your child a massive disservice by not allowing unsupervised contact - you seem very controlling yourself.

what a headache - imagine if your son did this to you with your grandchild…..

No one in their right mind would still be in speaking terms with parents like yours if they had taken them to court imo

FlippyFloppyShoe · 08/02/2023 13:23

I am in a similar position without the problematic parents thankfully. I do feel sorry for you because divorce is awful anyway without then being pulled in different directions by your own parents 💐. I get that you want to do things with your DC, rather than doing things with your parents during the day at the weekends, could you have dinner/evening with them and take it in turns whose house you are at?
My DC have not stayed with their GP's for a variety of reasons but my parents do appreciate that my DC already have to go between at least two homes, going to stay elsewhere on a regular basis is not in their best interests.

Soothsayer1 · 08/02/2023 13:23

Both have said I am stopping them from being proper grandparents, and dads threatened to “cut me off forever with no going back” if I don’t commit to the level of contact he wants
Is that a threat or a promise? ...as my dad used to say
That would be a red line for me, in my mind I'll be saying go on then mate make my day.
They sound like a pair of ridiculous entitled idiots....obviously right at the back of the queue when empathy was being handed out!

otterlyr · 08/02/2023 13:24

Grandparents don't have any automatic legal rights to grandchildren. It's not the same as parental rights.

I feel really sorry for the poor kid being pulled in all directions.

I think you have to keep your boundaries in place to protect you and your child. Why do they have to have all the overnights? Can't they just come round and see you both sometimes?

It feels like it really shouldn't have to be this complicated or horrible.

midlifecrash · 08/02/2023 13:24

MediationNotWorking · 08/02/2023 12:39

They want DC to themselves, they don't want me there is what they say. I invite them in the week but they won't come if I'm going to be there.

This is deranged. They don’t want you there at all, what grandparents do they know that behave like this?? I hope you know they have no sort of right to this

UnicornsHaveDadsToo · 08/02/2023 13:25

Has anyone told them that grandparents have 0 rights of access to grandchildren? If anything ever got to court, it would be thrown straight back out again. As far as the law is concerned, no access for grandparents is a perfectly fair situation, so anything more than nothing is essentially a bonus. That's what the mediators need to remind them when they complain about unfairness.

RisingSunn · 08/02/2023 13:25

OP you are giving far too much. Stop mediation and live your life with YOUR DC as suits you and him.

The day a parent of mine takes me to COURT regarding my own child would be the last they would hear from me.

You are not a child - you are a mother in your own right and in charge of your own family.

Soothsayer1 · 08/02/2023 13:25

With all that you've got going on in your life?? Talk about kicking you when you're down, they can see that you're stressed and they see that as an opportunity to Wade in and try and make you feel bad.
Fck that sht
I think I might just feed them any old bulshit to make them go away and then forget about them

FangsForTheMemory · 08/02/2023 13:25

Are they competing with one another and using you as the battleground?

otterlyr · 08/02/2023 13:27

UnicornsHaveDadsToo · 08/02/2023 13:25

Has anyone told them that grandparents have 0 rights of access to grandchildren? If anything ever got to court, it would be thrown straight back out again. As far as the law is concerned, no access for grandparents is a perfectly fair situation, so anything more than nothing is essentially a bonus. That's what the mediators need to remind them when they complain about unfairness.

This.

OP, legally they wouldn't have a leg to stand on here and this would be laughed out of court.

Do what's right for you, and keep your boundaries.

35965a · 08/02/2023 13:28

Your parents are abusive and are now trying to use the courts to abuse you. They’re vile, horrible people. Protect your child from them.

Soothsayer1 · 08/02/2023 13:28

I think they are unable to see you as fully adult, they look at you and they see a 10-year-old, they think they know best and you haven't got a clue about anything and that's why they're trying to take control, I doubt that they have enough self-awareness to ever see this themselves.

Soothsayer1 · 08/02/2023 13:29

FangsForTheMemory · 08/02/2023 13:25

Are they competing with one another and using you as the battleground?

This^
They probably won't realise but I think this is the underlying dynamics of the situation.

Bluetrews25 · 08/02/2023 13:33

Who needs abusive people like this?
Mediation will not work.
You are not able to give any more
They have refused what little you can offer
They will not budge and seem very inappropriate in their demands to have their young DGS overnight or away from his parents. Riiiight. Red flags galore here.

Want a new patio just in time for the spring?

Rumplestrumpet · 08/02/2023 13:35

You're parents are being wholly unreasonable. Tbh i cant really understand why you're engaging and not simply telling them tk piss off with their ridiculous demands.

I'm not sure if you're holding out in hope that one day they'll become reasonable, kind parents, but they won't - and I'm really .not convinced any alone time with them would be in your kid's interests. If they're manipulating and bullying you, they will likely do the same with your kids.

As others have said, a perfectly generous offer would be dinner at yours, with you, once a week or fortnight. Don't engage with demands, enjoy your family time with your kids and try to seek out some counselling to help you work through the abuse you've likely suffered from them over the years.

Good luck OP

Sssshh · 08/02/2023 13:35

I'd love to hear their side to hear why they think this is normal. Would their side tell a different story....are you refusing midweek or are they refusing with you there? Why are they refusing with you there? Doesn't make sense. It's not like they refuse to see you as you go to theirs once a month or so. Seems to be more to it? If its a case of you refusing them anything other than once a month that's really shit for them. If it's a case of them being as you explain above then they need cutting out your life. Feel like there's more to it though....

HungryandIknowit · 08/02/2023 13:36

I think I would be concerned about them insisting on time with your child without you there. I can't see a good reason for it. In any case, if my parents did the same thing I would engage a solicitor and - if possible - tell them to get lost. It sounds like you are trying to appease them. I personally would stop doing that. If they want time with your child they should do it on your terms. You are the parent.

Lapland123 · 08/02/2023 13:37

This is bonkers. You need to cut them down or out. How are they doing this to you, their actual ( adult) child? They could come during week and have dinner / ideally collect from school and do after school care on occasion, but don’t because they want your child all to themselves?
They’ve threatened court for you, you are needing medication with both of them ( separately)?
Ive heard it all now. I would definitely not be spending my rare and precious evenings going to mediation and they’d be lucky to ever see my child again with this carry on