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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding dilemma

208 replies

3peassuit · 08/02/2023 09:59

If you were making a substantial contribution (well over two thirds of the total cost) to your child’s wedding, would you expect your feelings about the venue to be taken into consideration?

OP posts:
Blanketpolicy · 08/02/2023 15:40

Everanewbie · 08/02/2023 13:52

@Blanketpolicy surely as a parent you want to help them out to, well, help them out? I think too many parents see their child's wedding as their party, usually but not exclusively mothers of the bride.

Things have changed over time as you say. The bride used to vow to obey too but that has moved on.

Where do you get I am not helping them out? Confused I am "helping them out" and also giving them even more choice on their own futures by giving a significant (to me) lump sum that they can choose what they want to do with. If they prefer to spend it on a single day/party of their choice instead of a deposit on a house of their choice that is entirely up to them!

Going by a recent family members wedding, I would never spend stupid amounts of my money on an massively inconvenient lavish overpriced, freezing cold cows byre venue in the arse end of nowhere because it "looks different/pretty in the photos", or nearly a grand on a huge artificial blossom tree arch at the entrance of a hotel (that most of the guests walked under and didn't even notice!) - if the happy couple want to get sucked into wedding commercialisation, spend money on those things they should spend their own money (which my lump sum might be part of).

Things have changed over time as you say. The bride used to vow to obey too but that has moved on.

The bride gets to choose if she says traditional vows or not.

Parents didn't willingly choose to pay for a wedding and get no say on what they are buying - it has evolved from parents being hosts to the bride/groom being hosts which is absolutely correct, adults should be able to make their own decisions - they get to pay for them too!

Dixiechickonhols · 08/02/2023 15:44

No but I’d make it clear £X is your maximum contribution. Their choice though.

Everanewbie · 08/02/2023 15:50

@Blanketpolicy Well that is what people are saying really. There are lots of things people do with their that strike me as odd, but if you say that you'll give £7,000 towards your child's wedding, that's their £7,000 to do with as they wish so long as they don't come back for more.

My in laws did something similar for us as it sounds like you've done. Gave us money when we moved in together and told us to use it as we saw fit, and there wont be any more.

Catspyjamas17 · 08/02/2023 16:11

plumduck · 08/02/2023 11:34

Don't suggest alternatives unless you're asked. That would be where you'd be "interfering"

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I disagree. Interfering would be insisting on another venue, or that you won't give the money if they hold it in a place you don't like.

My PILs paid towards our reception and gave some advice on venues - in fact we were given the option of getting married in a particular church because of their help, which was great and we did end up getting married there. There was nothing prescriptive, however, and I would take the same approach when DDs get married if they are doing so locally to me.

Whatislove82 · 08/02/2023 16:14

Catspyjamas17 · 08/02/2023 16:11

I disagree. Interfering would be insisting on another venue, or that you won't give the money if they hold it in a place you don't like.

My PILs paid towards our reception and gave some advice on venues - in fact we were given the option of getting married in a particular church because of their help, which was great and we did end up getting married there. There was nothing prescriptive, however, and I would take the same approach when DDs get married if they are doing so locally to me.

Show quote history

Was the advice financial?

larchforest · 08/02/2023 16:20

Since you are making such a large and generous contribution, and they have chosen to spend your money on somewhere ridiculously expensive that will cause considerable incovenience and cost to the guests, and that they are likely to go £5k over that budget which they can't afford (and are likely to come to you for more money), then I have voted YANBU.

starlingdarling · 08/02/2023 18:36

But do you really know the ins and outs of their finances? My parents couldn't tell you how much I have sitting in my bank account. They probably assume I'm not as comfortable as I am.

Toddlerteaplease · 08/02/2023 18:58

My parents paid for all of my sisters wedding, they had no say, and didn't expect to have one. But my sister is very sensible and it was only a small wedding. So no arguments about guests. And we all loved the venue.

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