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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding dilemma

208 replies

3peassuit · 08/02/2023 09:59

If you were making a substantial contribution (well over two thirds of the total cost) to your child’s wedding, would you expect your feelings about the venue to be taken into consideration?

OP posts:
Bloodykopfshmerz · 08/02/2023 12:29

If they have a way of finding the extra £5k then I’d leave them to it. If not, I’d be minded to ask what they were planning to scale back on on the day to compensate for the venue cost. Something will have to give, probably the quality of food and drink which is the one thing people will remember. Phrasing it like that might give them pause

RealBecca · 08/02/2023 12:29

Only to the degree that if I had an allergy I'd expect the chosen venue to be able to cater for it or of I had philysical impairments that they would be considerate of choosing a venue worh access.

Your best bet is to make a transfer of cash in a block now and make comments along the lines of that's yours now to do as you wish with - my work here is done!/ dont be asking for anymore! And then just step way back and offer a few vague "that sounds nice" or "I want to be surprised on the day" comments.

Topseyt123 · 08/02/2023 12:32

No. There should be no strings attached. It's a gift presumably. So either gift it to them or not.

You've set out that this is your limit. Stick to that now and back off. The rest is entirely up to them.

Getamoveon36 · 08/02/2023 12:34

Your idea of a ‘good local alternative’ may not be theirs. It’s their wedding, either give a gift unconditionally or not at all. Be clear there aren’t any further funds.

Confusion101 · 08/02/2023 12:39

Getamoveon36 · 08/02/2023 12:34

Your idea of a ‘good local alternative’ may not be theirs. It’s their wedding, either give a gift unconditionally or not at all. Be clear there aren’t any further funds.

This!!!!!!!!! My MIL is trying to force her daughter to get married in a "good local" venue that is in reality quite basic, because it's a good price. Agree with the majority. Not your wedding, not your place to say. Just make it clear you are giving them the max you can afford and the rest is up to them.

Everyonehasavoice · 08/02/2023 12:40

No!
There should be no caveats on making a donation
Its a donation

WhatNoRaisins · 08/02/2023 12:40

Also cheapest venues aren't always value for money. We were originally going to have our reception at the local hotel as it seemed the most convenient option. We went to their wedding open day and the carpet hadn't even been cleaned. The whole place was filthy.

The place we ended up with cost more but everyone was very professional which took a load of stress off and it was such a nice place we didn't really spend any money dressing it up.

PhillySub · 08/02/2023 12:47

Did you say that there was conditions attached to the contribution when you made it?

PinkyFlamingo · 08/02/2023 12:50

3peassuit · 08/02/2023 10:29

I’m coming round to the view it’s up to them but have seen the strain put on other couples when things go way over budget.
The venue is more than twice the price of good local alternatives and will push them £5k over budget. We know we’ll be asked to make it up but we’re pensioners and can’t afford it and we’re afraid they will really struggle financially.

Well they are grown adults, if they have set their heart on this venue they need to deal with this.

Wexone · 08/02/2023 12:51

No no no, we very lucky got contribution from both parents however they both had no say whatsoever in anything. In fact we had everything booked and organized before we told people the date. Contributions came after , however if there was any demands money would have been given straight back. We were the last of both family and friends to get married, we had seen the rows and stress people interfering had caused and didn't want that. We had a good idea of the say we wanted and we had it. It was a fab day and everyone enjoyed it . If they ask for more money say no

Iceysuperslide · 08/02/2023 12:52

No but when giving I would say zero chance of any more and mean it.

A top tip is never ever tell anyone your income or savings because they will inevitably want some of it. I include children in this.

Iceysuperslide · 08/02/2023 12:54

I would say that if the venue is very remote, needs an overnight stay and people can’t afford it then the couple have to realise that people may not attend.

RomansTheyGoTheHouse · 08/02/2023 12:59

No. Their wedding, their choice.

But then I think it's a bit old fashioned for parents to be paying towards weddings anyway - so I am probably out of step.

Rosscameasdoody · 08/02/2023 13:03

I think it’s fine to express your concerns - they may not have thought about things from the same perspective as yourself. But ultimately the decision is theirs.

Cherrysoup · 08/02/2023 13:03

I'd speak to her now and say you absolutely cannot give more than you already have done. If it costs too much, people can decline their invitations.

MimiSunshine · 08/02/2023 13:03

I think it’s rude to take a contribution to your wedding and not make sure the people giving you the money like it.
but I also don’t think contributions should be given with the expectation that it gives the giver a deciding vote.

OP just raise the concerns you have not say that if the b&g believe guests will be happy with the 2 night stay then fine but please know what the money is all you can give and no more.
then let them get on with it.

TheSingingBean · 08/02/2023 13:04

FlissyPaps · 08/02/2023 12:27

Not your problem.

You sound very controlling.

Show quote history

FFS she does not sound 'very controlling', don't be ridiculous.

She has expressed an opinion - here, not to her dd - which she is perfectly entitled to do.

If she was very controlling she wouldn't be asking for advice.

havanamama · 08/02/2023 13:13

No

Silvers11 · 08/02/2023 13:15

I understand why you are concerned entirely. we worry about our children. But as others have said a gift should come without strings. By all means ask them if they have thought about a, b or c ( in a nice non-judgemental way) if you think they haven't thought things through. But leave it at that. Ultimately it's up to them

Apart from that though, I do think that you need to make sure the happy couple are crystal clear that there will NOT be any more money forthcoming from you if they overspend their budget - and stick to it. They are adults and need to be allowed to make their own decisions ( including mistakes)

Cornelious2011 · 08/02/2023 13:20

Given that you've said a 2/3 contribution then yes I do think they have a say as 2/3 could be 5k or 10k so massive difference. My parents gave us a lump sum that was not conditional. If we wanted a more expensive option then we made up the difference.

Everanewbie · 08/02/2023 13:20

Hi OP.

  1. You are her mum, not a random'er off the street. You have the right and possibly even the moral obligation to gently say or suggest something to your daughter if you see her doing something ill advised.
  2. However, this does not give you carte blanche to impose your will beyond gently counselling her. The fact that you are contributing to her wedding is neither here nor there.
  3. You are being kind helping out. You shouldn't feel obligated to write a blank cheque and so when gently, sensitively approaching her on her venue choice, express your concern about the budgets that have been discussed and make sure that she understands that your gift is the limit of your contribution.
  4. . Once you've said your peace, leave it. Don't bring it up again.
Liorae · 08/02/2023 13:29

I wouldn't pay two thirds of the cost of my child's vanity wedding. If they want to waste that kind of money, they can waste their own.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 08/02/2023 13:39

Considering the high percentage you are paying, it sounds as if this person must be very very entitled for you to think they would come asking for more

Excellent post as everf, billy1966, and just picking up on your last sentence above, I can well imagine this is where friction could arise
Very few posters have said anything except they're the B&G's decisions to make, but choices come with consequences and I just wonder if they've fully embraced this, or whether they're so seized with the "vision" of it all that common sense has left the room

Looking on the bright side though, if OP sticks to her guns at least it'll be a learning experience

Liorae · 08/02/2023 13:39

3peassuit · 08/02/2023 10:29

I’m coming round to the view it’s up to them but have seen the strain put on other couples when things go way over budget.
The venue is more than twice the price of good local alternatives and will push them £5k over budget. We know we’ll be asked to make it up but we’re pensioners and can’t afford it and we’re afraid they will really struggle financially.

So let them struggle financially. It will be a lesson learned.

Everanewbie · 08/02/2023 13:41

Liorae · 08/02/2023 13:29

I wouldn't pay two thirds of the cost of my child's vanity wedding. If they want to waste that kind of money, they can waste their own.

Great. I'm glad you told us about what you wouldn't do.

Meanwhile, the OP who has decided to make a contribution, would like some advice. Have a think and see if you can come up with something that might help her.

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