Wedding dilemma

[3peassuit]

If you were making a substantial contribution (well over two thirds of the total cost) to your child’s wedding, would you expect your feelings about the venue to be taken into consideration?

Nope... Any contributions should not come with strings attached.

It's their choice. BUT you need to make absolutely clear that the amount you are contributing is the maximum that you can afford and that if they do go over budget there will be no more money from you.

Don't suggest alternatives unless you're asked. That would be where you'd be "interfering"

You need to spell out that this is all you have to give and you would hate for there to be ANY confusion on that point.

There will not be any additional money and you would hate for them to cause either of you upset by thinking they can come back for more.

Very very plain speaking is required here.

I have very little truck with funding a lavish wedding when peoples general finances aren't in any way reflective of this.

It IS there decision to make but you need to be very clear on the lack of ANY further contribution.

Considering the high percentage you are paying, it sounds as if this person must be very very entitled for you to think they would come asking for more.

This is good advice OP and how you should approach things.

Yes of course.

If the adult children still want mummy and daddy to pay for their wedding, they’re going to have to accept any conditions that the parents want to apply.

No. Give the money freely. You can, of course, raise concerns, just as you would do if you were giving nothing at all because you love them and want the best for them. If they go over budget then they have to take in that responsibility. If they ask for more money say you haven't got it to give

I think it's perfectly reasonable to have a gentle conversation about whether they can afford it or not but I'd make it crystal clear that you're not able to contribute any more than you already are.

I would not accept a substantial contribution from my parents and yet be unwilling to take their feelings into consideration.

If I were unwilling to take their input into consideration, I would take the very adult stance of declining their money and instead have a wedding that my partner and I could afford to pay the cost.

I think that paying a substantial cost for anything gives you a prominent seat at the decision making table. If you are a financially independent adult, you can and should decline to use their money if they are insisting upon things with which you disagree.

If you have a close relationship then I’m not sure why it’s such a big deal to make clear where you draw the line at contributing? They are adults so leave them to it. If they get themselves in debt, they get themselves out of debt. You’ve done your bit as a parent and presumably provided a financial education for your daughter. It’s up to her now.

No. You should be gifting the money without conditions. It is for the bride & groom to decide how to spend it.

You are paying over 2/3rds of the total cost and the venue will take them another 5K over budget?! They absolutely shouldn’t even consider asking you for more money when they realise they’ve gone over budget. For you to believe they will ask you for the difference suggests that’s their only option….so I would definitely be firm about your limits whilst telling them they seem to be going over budget. Hope all goes well.

You can raise concerns about what they are doing, (just like you would if you hadn't given them the money) if it makes things impractical, hard for guests etc.
You cannot threaten to take the money back or demand certain things because you have given it to them.

Yes, of course. You're financially contributing to an event. A wedding does not just belong to the couple getting married - it is a family and social event. As a significant backer, of course you should have a say. They're free to reject your views, of course. But it's morally right for them to listen to your views and consider them.

If your major concern is budget, then I think you just make it clear that you're concerned the venue is to expensive and also make it very clear that you have already given the maximum you can. Don't let them guilt you into giving any more.

It's not an investment! Parents give money as a gift to help the couple start their life together. It gives them no rights to have a day what they do with that money.

Well then our views differ. Like I said, I regard a wedding as a social event which affects and incorporates family and friends. It's not just something that belongs to the couple. The family, certainly if backing financially, should at least have a say.

To be fair I am from a culture in which weddings and other life stage celebrations are very much a group affair in which everyone shares joy, but also shares their desires for the day. I think the idea that it's all about what the couple wants, and everything else can go hang, is quite cold and depressing. But I appreciate cultural differences etc.

i suppose it does look bad on parents if the general impression is "X parents paid for the venue" and the venue is a 1 hour taxi from any train station (if not a driver) or you all need to stay 2 nights at £250pn type thing. One, as a guest, would assume that the parents choose this and consider then not good hosts.

I (no kids) can imagine giving someone £5k gift for a wedding and then cringing as anything if they choose to spend that gift (i know its a gift) for something that was mad - a son in law hiring a helicopter to transport him/mates to the venue and guests food is under provided. Parents are considered the hosts too by most people.

Hence probably saying we would pay for x item - a dress/ evening buffet. a specific item.

(i also just can't imagine taking the money and then not using it for something my parents mostly approved of - even if i decided we were all doing vodka shots off naked people after dinner - I'd be paying for that and my parents money being used for lots of tea and coffee or something towards guests comfort)

All wedding venues are way overpriced so that you just have to suck up.

If they Are going over budget it's for the couple to figure it out.

No more than you should expected if you weren’t contributing

I think you need to be really clear that you're not contributing any more than you are able to afford, and the consequences of their choice falls on them.

DD1 chose a hotel for her wedding that her DH's family weren't impressed with due to the costs. It did cause some degree of awkwardness when they spent the entire time moaning about the bar bill .... has your DD considered this?

I think it's perfectly reasonable to raise your concerns. Remind them you are helping them with the costs to keep the burden down not so they can choose a more extravagant venue

No, it is your wedding after all. But if you have a good relationship with them and often ask for advice and takes it into consideration and if it is important for you that they like the venue maybe there is a room for compromise

Either gift the money or don't.

But if you do gift then don't start attaching strings.

Not your problem.

You sound very controlling.

No