Wedding dilemma

[3peassuit]

If you were making a substantial contribution (well over two thirds of the total cost) to your child’s wedding, would you expect your feelings about the venue to be taken into consideration?

I'd say to them "It's a lovely venue. Have you costed it all out just to make sure it's affordable?". Then see what they say. If they say "oh, it'll be OK..." or similar that shows they haven't budgeted at all then maybe just gently remind them that £xxx is the maximum you will be able to give and you'd hate to see them go into debt or struggle to afford everything they want.

See what they say at that point but definitely stick to your guns and don't give them any extra. 2/3 of the cost of the wedding is already more than generous.

Hopefully they'll say they've costed it all out and are making up the shortfall from savings/partners family/not inviting evening guests/reducing guest list etc etc.

Nope, whilst I would be very grateful for any gift towards the wedding, you wouldn’t get a say.

I don't think you get a say, but you can certainly say that your contribution will be £x and mo more. If they overspend they'll either have to cut back or find the money themselves

*no

No, no strings attached

I think here as well, people get 'taking their feelings into consideration' to mean agree with me and go with my idea.

They may well take your feelings in to consideration, which is good and considerate, but ultimately decide that whilst they appreciate your feelings, something else is more important.

You always see this when residents object to a new building. Just because the town planning and developers don't see their views as enough to stop a development that might benefit lots of people, it doesn't mean their views were ignored, just weighed up and on balance, with regret, were outweighed.

Traditionally parents would pay for and host the wedding and be very involved in the arrangements including big decisions such as choosing the venue and the guest list that they were paying for.

This has changed over time and it is now the bride and groom that host so they get to make the decision. As a parent you decide if you wish to contribute, how much to contribute or not. There is (or they should be) absolutely no expectation from the bride or groom for a contribution from any parents. It is their party now after all! If they expect parents to pay, then they need to expect strings.

Although they are not at the stage of weddings yet I have already decided I will be giving ds a lump sum. He can choose if he wants to use that towards a house deposit, waste it on a lavish wedding or blow it on "sex, drugs and rock and roll" and I will make that clear there will be no more! I will give them a wedding gift (perhaps £1-2k), but won't frame it as money towards the day.

If I was you I would make it clear your contribution is a one-off gift, there is no more coming and they need to plan out their whole budget before they commit any money. They are adults and up to them to budget their day within "their" means.

I think when the time comes I will offer to pay for X and Y - and give a budget and they will be welcome to pay any additional money.

I can see why you’re concerned and there’s no reason not to mention there’s no more money.

Are you expected to pay for your own rooms etc? At least the gift is sorted!

@Blanketpolicy surely as a parent you want to help them out to, well, help them out? I think too many parents see their child's wedding as their party, usually but not exclusively mothers of the bride.

Things have changed over time as you say. The bride used to vow to obey too but that has moved on.

Back-pedalling and drip-feeding to justify it but you're still BU.

If they actually do ask, say no 💁🏽‍♀️

With a mandatory 2 night stay over at a time when a lot of people are very stretched for cash, I suspect the guest list will reduce itself without input from the bride and groom.

No.

My Mum had opinions on the venue and tbh they were quite snobbish (we were in the opposite situation to you in that we wanted a cheap venue and she wanted a castle. She did think it would reflect badly on her. It was really unwelcome and annoying).

I would be very very clear that no more money will be forthcoming and that if they go over budget it's their problem though. Similarly if I could see obvious problems ("your grandparents won't be able to come if you have it abroad" kind of stuff) I would mention it. Not to pressure, but so they aren't surprised when the rsvps arrive.

Ultimately, YABU. .. However, it’s fair to point out any concerns, but the outcome of that discussion will be completely dependent on how you phrase it. Assuming that this couple is excited to get married and wanting to share their happiness with friends and family, they will most likely have already thought about budgets and how they can finance the wedding (and for savings afterwards as well). If you are concerned that they are overspending on venue, I would gently ask about this and perhaps state that you are excited for their wedding as well. Conversations about money can often go badly, so expect push-back, but realise that how this goes is completely dependent on you. They have probably budgeted accordingly for price of venue and how much it will cost for X, Y, Z.

As adults, they should be aware of their own personal budgets and how much they can afford. And, as other posters have mentioned, a gift is a gift. Personally, I would not accept any amount of money from my parents if the condition was that they controlled all the finances. Similarly, families live all over the place now and it is always difficult to find somewhere that will suit everyone. (They probably know that not everyone will be able to make the day)

Remember, they want to share this day with you but you can’t control it and it could affect future relationships if this conversation is done badly.

No OP, you really don’t

Otherwise you wouldn’t be starting a thread on mumsnet expressing very real concern about being pestered for more money than your very generous gift despite your DD presumably already knowing you would financially struggle as pensioners.

this statement completely contradicts your view that you are “very close” to you daughter

We know we’ll be asked to make it up but we’re pensioners and can’t afford it and we’re afraid they will really struggle financially.

Exactly this. You need to make sure that they know that what you are giving them will not be increased. It is also fine to say that the venue might be a long way for most guests to reach and many wont pay for two nights. Those are things they should consider. But once you’ve done those two things, leave it up to them.

OP's daughter is perfectly willing to accept two thirds of the price of her wedding knowing that her parents are pensioners and not wealthy. It is far from outside the realms of possibilities that she will be putting her hand out for more.

i think part of the difficulty is that youve said on the one hand you've agreed to pay two thirds of the cost, and on the other you have a fixed amount to contribute. which is it? if the former that would suggest they have decided the budget. if the latter they know what they're expecting.

Why aren't the Bride and Groom paying for their own wedding ?

i think its very possible to know your parents are struggling and be close

and also be a poor budgetter /not realise extra costs needed and therefore come stuck at the time of paying for things - thus coming to parents for help in first instance.

and most parents would cough up a bit more in that situation if the alternative is cancelling stuff and losing/wasting the parents already given gift.

Because OP has, seeming voluntarily, gifted them money towards it?

I know, tedious isn't it? The OP has offered to contribute to the wedding. Do they ask a version of this on every thread? Why are you helping them buy a car? Why didn't they pay their house deposit themselves? Why couldn't they cook their own dinner? Some parents want to help their children and are fortunate enough to have the means to follow this through to some degree.

We know we’ll be asked to make it up but we’re pensioners and can’t afford it and we’re afraid they will really struggle financially.
You've made a contribution. Stick to it. If they want more, they will have to fund it themselves.

My parents paid most charges for my wedding and they never interfered in venue choice. My mum only helped me with menu and seating plan.

It's a shame they're spaffing the money you gifted them on a fancy and inconvenient venue. When it's gone it's gone, perhaps some guests will decline and they'll be getting married in a big fancy pricey empty room. Hope they don't expect anything else from you. Step back and Let them get on with it.

Yes that’s my point

clearly not a very close or loving relationship