Wedding dilemma

[3peassuit]

If you were making a substantial contribution (well over two thirds of the total cost) to your child’s wedding, would you expect your feelings about the venue to be taken into consideration?

So in that case - absolutely
no skin off your nose what they do as you’ve been clear re your budget

Nope.

It's not your wedding and if you really feel that strongly you don't put any cash in. Regardless of your thoughts or feelings about it, they won't be well received and I'd keep schtum!

Yes, then when they approach you for more you've already told them no

“Concerned approached for me”

As I asked - what is your relationship generally like?

Don't give them any more and make it clear that the amount you're giving is your max. I think you can express your concerns but then leave them too it. If it goes over budget then that's their problem to sort. It'll be good prep for the "for richer or poorer" vow!

If guests can't make it because of the expense or inconvenience of staying 2 nights, then again, their problem.

A bit. ...but ultimately it's their choice. But I would hope that it would be an adult discussion

We have an excellent relationship and get on very well with her partner.

You can make a gentle suggestion that you're not sure if they'll get the acceptance rate they're maybe hoping for due to the distance/expense of the two night over night stay, but having said that, the people who want to be there will make sure they're there.

If you've given them a gift as a contribution to the wedding, you need to accept that they are adults (we hope) and let them work it out for themselves.

If they approach for more money, the answer is no, and they will have to rethink their plans. Try no to get ahead of the game here, just deal with what is in front of you and tread lightly.

Also make clear your contribution can be spent on the wedding or on their house or whatever. That way they might decide they want a really small wedding and to pay off some of their mortgage with the rest.

@3peassuit

so?

if that does happen, and they come to you asking for more money you just say no

Sorry ive just seen the update. Thats a reasonable worry, just pick up the phone. Ask about the venue, the plans, be engaged and then say you noticed the price and in the spirit of total transparency you want to make it clear that you wanted to contribute as much as you can so youve done all the sums and this really is the most you can offer. As long as they are comfortable they can cover the extra plus unexpected costs then you are beyond thrilled. You just want to say that now so as not to get into a difficult situation down the line.

No.

If you don’t think you can offer the money without constraints then I think the polite thing to do is to not offer the money. A gift should be freely given and if not, it’s not a gift.

Brill.

non issue then

shouldn’t be posting on mumsnet but talking to your daughter

But having seen your update my answer is still the same - the decision is theirs and theirs alone - but you are wise to make them aware / remind them that your contribution is final and there won’t be any extra.

No

Its not your wedding

I’m coming round to the view it’s up to them but have seen the strain put on other couples when things go way over budget.
The venue is more than twice the price of good local alternatives and will push them £5k over budget. We know we’ll be asked to make it up but we’re pensioners and can’t afford it and we’re afraid they will really struggle financially.

The majority of wedding venues are expensive and quite possibly is your opinion (rather than fact). That the venue is over priced

You can drip feed as much as you want, still their choice. There shouldn't be caveats.

I'd consider your suggestions but no I'd put my wants first. Some things just can't be compromised on. My elderly mother has a strange habit of asking 'why are they getting married at X' everything I mention a wedding. I don't mean Timbuktu or down a sewer, I mean a venue within 30miles of where they live. My mum always asks 'how are people going to get there'....bizzare. So mum wants her local church, bride wants the country house near where they now live. How do you compromise? Mum wants an evening buffet and bride wants a hog roast.
No ultimately it's bride and grooms choice however I'd have been very clear when I offered my gift. Did you say I've got £7k to contribute or did you say 'I'll pay for the food but I'm not paying for a hog roast'?
I couldn't be asking for chunks of money and needing someone else's approval. I'd rather pay myself or downgrade. Hope now ones been offered money and now having it taken back.
BTW, I remember paying for the hire of a photo prop for my daughter's wedding. I thought it was way over priced but she wanted it and I wanted her to have her dream.

If someone was paying a hefty chunk of my wedding costs I'd cut them in on the decision making process as a basic courtesy. If I didn't want their input then I'd not take their money.

It's perfectly reasonable for you to reassert they aren't getting any more out of you and mean it. If they are too thoughtless to consider their guests in their planning then they may find numbers greatly reduced, thus ultimately saving them money.

Are they doing that thing where they need the guests to book the hotel rooms to pay for the venue? I'd try to talk them out of that one.

Other than that it is quite normal for some families to have to travel and stay two nights for a wedding. Are there cheaper alternatives in the area?

If you are not the bride or groom, then thats not your problem

you have kindly offered some money, you dont need to bail them out, its not your problem

I think it's fine to make it clear that you can't and won't be giving any more, but other than that I would back off.

Lucy, are you sure you can afford the extra 5k needed for Expensive Manor? I just need to be clear that X amount is the most we can contribute towards it and I'm worried you'll struggle or think we've got more money in reserve. We haven't.