Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding dilemma

208 replies

3peassuit · 08/02/2023 09:59

If you were making a substantial contribution (well over two thirds of the total cost) to your child’s wedding, would you expect your feelings about the venue to be taken into consideration?

OP posts:
SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 08/02/2023 10:36

3peassuit · 08/02/2023 10:29

I’m coming round to the view it’s up to them but have seen the strain put on other couples when things go way over budget.
The venue is more than twice the price of good local alternatives and will push them £5k over budget. We know we’ll be asked to make it up but we’re pensioners and can’t afford it and we’re afraid they will really struggle financially.

You could offer to sit down with them and work out the budget. It's easy to get carried away when planning a wedding and then when you suddenly have to pay the bills, it's a bit nerve wracking.

They have £x from you, £y from their savings. Anything else they need they will need to save for. Do they have the flexibility to save? Do they have the time? What is their plan if they go over? Will they rely on loans and credit cards potentially still paying the wedding odd for 5 years?

It's a dull conversation but sounds like they might need it?

Of course they can disregard anything you say or think because it is their wedding. As long as you make it crystal clear that you can't give anymore and they need to not take it personally if/when they ask and you say no.

GoldDuster · 08/02/2023 10:37

have seen the strain put on other couples when things go way over budget.

I have seen, and experinced, the strain put upon family relationships over this very situation, and can say that no good will come of you pushing your agenda, or your fears.

You need to let them work it out for themselves as they will have to continue to do with other big decisions, throughout the course of their marriage.

If they go over budget, which is your fear, and they come to you for more money, you need to set a boundary, and be prepared to say no, there is no more money. The gift has been given, it's not going to increase.

Appleblum · 08/02/2023 10:37

No.

badgergirly · 08/02/2023 10:37

No.

It's your child's wedding not yours.

Nosleepforthismum · 08/02/2023 10:37

itsnote · 08/02/2023 10:35

Lucy, are you sure you can afford the extra 5k needed for Expensive Manor? I just need to be clear that X amount is the most we can contribute towards it and I'm worried you'll struggle or think we've got more money in reserve. We haven't.

This is perfect and to the point. Job done.

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 08/02/2023 10:37

Also you shouldn't give a gift with conditions. It's either a gift towards their dream wedding or you 'buy' a whole wedding for them that you plan entirely.

JudgeRudy · 08/02/2023 10:38

I'd say a lot of weddings require an overnight stay now. Family and friends are more dispersed so there's really no such thing as 'local ' now. When I married in my home town, where I still lived, the majority of my guests also lived in same town. I had my sister at uni and the next furthest was the town 8 miles up road where husband was brought up.
Of course 2 weeks in Bali is pushing it but whether it's Sheffield City Centre or Poshton Manor, it's likely to involve a stay for some

plumduck · 08/02/2023 10:38

3peassuit · 08/02/2023 10:29

I’m coming round to the view it’s up to them but have seen the strain put on other couples when things go way over budget.
The venue is more than twice the price of good local alternatives and will push them £5k over budget. We know we’ll be asked to make it up but we’re pensioners and can’t afford it and we’re afraid they will really struggle financially.

Then talk to your child. Say you are worried this will take them £5K over budget and have they thought it through?

At this point make absolutely clear that the amount you are giving them is all you can give them.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 08/02/2023 10:39

You need to explain to them very calmly that if they go over budget they will have to pay for it themselves as you can't afford any more.

Also people who cannot afford a two-night stay will decline so they might end up with a much smaller wedding than they were expecting, while still paying over the odds.

It's very generous of you to offer so much in the first place.

FeinCuroxiVooz · 08/02/2023 10:39

I think the amount that parents contribute should be the amount they are happy to give freely with no strings attached. if they are giving so much they want to have a vote or veto in the decisions then they are giving too much, and should cut back.

RipWheelersHat · 08/02/2023 10:39

Have they given an idea of what their budget is? Eg if their budget is £40k and it will take them £5k over then they should be able to afford it themselves if they want a wedding that extravagant. But if their budget is £5k and the venue will take it to £10k then they really need to think about it if it's going to double what they would be spending

We got married last year and managed to do it all for £6k. My parents offered us money towards it, they offered it as a gift but it then came with so many strings attached and my mum tried to control every aspect of it. We ended up telling them to stuff it and did it all ourselves anyway, but it has ruined our relationship with them as they were so awful. Not saying you would be like that of course, just that it's really hard if something is offered as a gift but then turns out to have strings attached

Everanewbie · 08/02/2023 10:40

Hi OP. My sister got married a couple of years before me and my parents contributed significantly but their insistence on certain guests being invited caused arguments. It went well in the end with compromises on both sides and the same amount of money was promised to me when the time came.

When I got engaged, my husband told me that he would be grateful for any contribution, but would rather pay for it himself, doing overtime and taking loans and exclude them completely than have that level of influence. I think they got the message. We discussed venues, guest lists and their contribution, but we made clear that the contribution entitled them to their opinion, and we'd give it the time of day, but ultimately what happens would be our decision, and that it would be a thanks but no thanks if they tried to tell us what to do.

So, in conclusion OP, express your opinions gently, council etc. but I would imagine the couple would rather struggle on themselves than have you try to exert influence on the back of a gift. It should either be unconditional or not at all.

plumduck · 08/02/2023 10:41

itsnote · 08/02/2023 10:35

Lucy, are you sure you can afford the extra 5k needed for Expensive Manor? I just need to be clear that X amount is the most we can contribute towards it and I'm worried you'll struggle or think we've got more money in reserve. We haven't.

Yes I don't know why you can't just say this. If they want to go ahead with lovely Manor then it's their choice

Blessedwithsunshine · 08/02/2023 10:42

Absolutely not, no.

Johnnysgirl · 08/02/2023 10:46

No.

Johnnysgirl · 08/02/2023 10:47

3peassuit · 08/02/2023 10:15

We’ve told them how much we’re putting in which is the maximum for us but are concerned that they are going way over budget and we will be approached for more.

Tell them no. There will be no more.

MichelleScarn · 08/02/2023 10:47

The venue is more than twice the price of good local alternatives

Are these venues local to both sides of the dding party family though? If not is lovely Manor a compromise?

Johnnysgirl · 08/02/2023 10:48

Why are a pair of pensioners contributing so much, anyway? Your child and partner should be ashamed of themselves.

jacult · 08/02/2023 10:50

Assuming they’re both adults, they’ll have to learn how to budget. Tell them that’s all you can afford to give them and they can sort the rest. Don’t offer to budget with them, are you going to be doing this when they buy a house/have a baby? People need a chance to learn these things. Just let them get on with it.

mindutopia · 08/02/2023 10:50

No. My family paid for the whole damn thing. They never once had a comment about the venue (other than 'it's lovely') and I wouldn't have listened to them if they had. They didn't have to pay for it, they chose to.

LuckySantangelo35 · 08/02/2023 10:51

Plus

all these dog owners saying their dogs don’t lick their own genitals or their dogs don’t smell or whatever

NEWSFLASH!!

They do. All dogs do.

ReneBumsWombats · 08/02/2023 10:51

In these circumstances, I'd say give them the money but be very clear you haven't got any more if they go over budget, as you're worried this venue will cause them to do. Then let the chips fall where they may. Don't say you told them so.

AndNowIKnowWhatHappened · 08/02/2023 10:52

You could have had a say if you had told them that before you promised the money but I don't think you can add conditions to the gift retrospectively.

You can easily chose not to give anymore money though. You would be really daft to give more money when you don't won't to and even more daft to give more money when you can't afford it.

You given the money now you should sit back and leave it to them. If other people moan to you then just don't get involved. Smile and tell them that the venue choice is nothing to do with you and that they should speak to the couple if they have any complaints. Don't ruin the excitement for yourself by taking on other peoples problems.

plumduck · 08/02/2023 10:52

LuckySantangelo35 · 08/02/2023 10:51

Plus

all these dog owners saying their dogs don’t lick their own genitals or their dogs don’t smell or whatever

NEWSFLASH!!

They do. All dogs do.

Erm wrong thread?

Cakeandcardio · 08/02/2023 10:52

Are you aware of what their budget is? Maybe they are happy to go over budget. We didn't have a lot of financial help for our wedding and had to take a loan as we simply couldn't save enough in time. The loan was about 5k paid off over a couple of years. It was absolutely worth it to us and I would do it again because our wedding was perfect. Maybe they don't expect you to make up the shortfall but will pay it themselves? They are adults and can set their own budget, you are only helping out.