Wedding dilemma

[3peassuit]

If you were making a substantial contribution (well over two thirds of the total cost) to your child’s wedding, would you expect your feelings about the venue to be taken into consideration?

I’ve recently been in same position with my son. After visiting several venues, 2 made it to the shortlist. The ‘dream’ venue and a very close second.

Dream venue obviously more expensive, but also had a long list of negatives. Arse end of no where making travelling for non drivers very difficult, expensive hotel rooms with no local alternatives and the final nail in the coffin, the facilities for elderly/disabled in wheelchairs was dire.

Bride and Groom felt that they needed to factor in guest experience into their decision, so plumped for venue number 2.

Ultimately, their wedding - their choice, but it was good to see them work through the options and consider their guests.

I would possibly mention 'have you thought about how guest are going to get there' but I wouldn't be doing anymore than that. If that is their choice then you have to just let them crack on.

So you just say the gift is the gift, no strings attached, but that's it. If they come back to you boo-hooing about going over budget you definitely don't say "I told you so" no matter how much you want to - you just offer to help them figure out how to cut the costs and budget if they want help. If they don't want help then leave them to it.

You'd hope so. Either that or weddings have got a lot more weird post-Covid.

Just be clear you will be giving absolutely no more money and if you get the chance to gently enquire about whether they’ve properly worked out their budget and point out that some people may Not come due to the distance and expense of 2 nights stay, then do so. But ultimately it’s their decision. If they end up losing the deposit because they later realise they can’t afford it, it’ll be an expensive lesson learned. Do not bail them out or you’ll be failing at parenting and setting a very troublesome precedent. Good luck!

Give the money with no strings or don’t give it at all, controlling as fuck.

@plumduck

yes! 🤣

We’ve told them how much we’re putting in which is the maximum for us but are concerned that they are going way over budget and we will be approached for more

In that case I'd be very clear the (extremely generous) amount you've already contributed is it, and any overspend will be their problem

I agree with PPs that it doesn't give you rights over their decisions, but by the same token they don't get to expect you to shoulder the consequences either

@3peassuit I think you need to reassess your thinking. You are giving them a gift of money. If you gave them 2/3 of the money they received for their birthday would you want a say in how they spent it? If you were gifting a house deposit you would be well justified in wanting it protected in the case of a split, but you wouldn't be expecting to pick the house. For it to be a gift there needs to be no strings attached. Tell them that is their gift and they will get nothing else, when it's gone it's gone.

Yes, but will that put the wedding £5k over budget?

Yes, this.

Then they know. And you don't have to feel anxious about it.

It must be tempting to point out that making attendance expensive for guests amid a cost of living crisis is a poor choice, but perhaps the RSVPs will speak for themselves on this.

No. If you don't want to contribute then don't. Don't try to control what your child does at this age of their lives for goodness sake.

As a parent of an adult child (thankfully no plans to get married in the foreseeable future ) I think it is a really awkward situation. A PP said she took out a £5k loan to pay off her wedding ... to me (I am probably too frugal ..) that would be horrifying. I would hate to think of my DC taking out a loan to cover one day! But I guess lots of people do take out loans ... or get into debt over a wedding.

I have two friends whose adult DC are getting married and they are both (privately) shocked and appalled at the amount of money being spent on the weddings. They are not saying anything but they hate to see, what they believe, is their DC making unwise financial decisions.
Its easy to say 'it's their problem and they have to sort out the mess' but if further down the line they are financially struggling and parents do end up having to bail them out to contribute towards "essentials" of life you might well be thinking "why did you spend so much on the wedding?"
And sadly my view of weddings is tainted as nearly 70% of the weddings I have attended have ended in divorce ...

There are multiple threads on here about demanding brides who book expensive and inconvenient (for their guests) venues. Getting caught up in their dreams and forgetting that many of their friends and families will struggle to finance the ( bride will think) wonderfully generous invitation.

So is it really so wrong for a contributing parent to gently suggest that it might be worth considering other options? That granny will struggle with the journey and older sister can’t afford the two nights because she has children and massive outgoings?

My DC is getting married and we will probably end up financing most of it. They are, to be diplomatic, not entirely practical when planning even small projects and do generally listen to other points of view. I wouldn’t make huge waves over this but it is conventional for weddings to be a family affair unless the couple really are providing everything.

Im obviously expecting to be told I’m a controlling freak.

In the real world I think yes it does, which is why I'd always say to the couple not to take money unless they want input from the giver.

I'd agree with pointing out that this is it - their gift as a couple. Nothing more for their house, their kids if any, their future generally. That they should consider whether they want a really inconvenient but pretty wedding, making their guests spend a lot, or whether they want to get married and have some money to start the next phase of life.

This really needs to be negotiated from the start. Did you present the money as a financial gift towards the wedding, and/or did your child take it that way? If so, they probably assumed they could do whatever they wanted and think you are being controlling. Or did you set out the terms as the more old fashioned, “we, as your parents, are hosting your wedding” kind of scenario?

If it was related to access, yes. Picking somewhere Grandad couldn't access a toilet means you pay for your own wedding. Everyone should pay for their own wedding anyway.

You can certainly say I’m just a bit concerned it’s more expensive than other options (especially if guests drop out?) the cost of living is affecting all your guests too, and your dad and I can’t put any more towards it, I’d hate you two to be stressed about where you will find the extra from or going into debt when you should be enjoying your wedding.

No, you choose to contribute but it is still their wedding not yours.

No, of course its not wrong to mention it.what is wrong is the attitude of getting upset if its not changed or if its linked to the gift.

I would make it clear that I'm only giving X amount and if it goes over budget then they have to find the rest.

I would give my advice on the venue- not great for guests, too expensive- and suggest alternatives but ultimately leave it up to them.

No

I don’t understand the comments on a convenient location. I’m currently planning a wedding and it’s so hard to get a happy medium. No matter where we get married, the majority of people will have to travel.

Most of our friends live in London, we live just outside London, my family are scattered around the country, my partners family are too (as well as abroad!).

These days people don’t tend to stay where they grew up, they therefore usually end up marrying someone with ties to a whole other region - for most people, gone are the days of marrying a local boy, in your local church and settling within 5 mins of your parents and in laws (thank god!!).

It's OK to raise this concern without saying you want them to change their venue/ expect to have a say.

Just be very clear that X amount is all you can afford and you won't be giving any more. They are adults and can make their decision.

You can say you are worried they will go over budget and if it does you won't be able to make that up for them, but it's their decision to make and you will support whatever they decide.

Then leave them to make the decision.

Don't make up the difference, it's nice your contributing already, if they go over budget that's on them. But i wouldn't push anything re your views on the venue, that's on them.