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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding dilemma

208 replies

3peassuit · 08/02/2023 09:59

If you were making a substantial contribution (well over two thirds of the total cost) to your child’s wedding, would you expect your feelings about the venue to be taken into consideration?

OP posts:
Original poster
3peassuit · 08/02/2023 10:07

It’s not offensive, just massively overpriced for what it is and requires a 2 night stay for most guests. I can see it going way over budget for the bride and groom and difficult for many guests.

OP posts:
WhatNoRaisins · 08/02/2023 10:07

I don't think you'd be unreasonable to raise concerns over a venue that would cause guests real problems, very inconvenient location, wheelchair accessibility for example.

If it's because it's not to your taste or what you consider appropriate that's unreasonable.

Ideally gifts are given without strings.

Rauha · 08/02/2023 10:07

No

VargaV · 08/02/2023 10:08

No.

WandaWonder · 08/02/2023 10:08

3peassuit · 08/02/2023 10:07

It’s not offensive, just massively overpriced for what it is and requires a 2 night stay for most guests. I can see it going way over budget for the bride and groom and difficult for many guests.

I would still offer the same I was going to originally it is up to them what they do with it

Marblessolveeverything · 08/02/2023 10:08

No, you shouldn't give money with strings attached. It's their wedding, either give freely or not at all.

FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 08/02/2023 10:08

My mum assumed that I would be requiring a financial contribution from her and tried to hint about the things she'd like for my wedding.

I fucked off to Vegas and didn't ask for a penny. ✌🏻

Whatislove82 · 08/02/2023 10:08

Nope

not even a teeny tiny bit

FlounderingFruitcake · 08/02/2023 10:09

Saying they don’t want to contribute to a destination wedding 1000s of miles away, or if a venue doesn’t allow Grandma access in her wheelchair or something then I’d understand. If it’s something like no golf clubs or not that place because the carpet is ugly or just general controlling meddling then that’s obviously not ok.

plumduck · 08/02/2023 10:09

3peassuit · 08/02/2023 10:07

It’s not offensive, just massively overpriced for what it is and requires a 2 night stay for most guests. I can see it going way over budget for the bride and groom and difficult for many guests.

I think you have to leave it to them then.

You could perhaps ask if they've budgeted for it and if they've asked people if they'd be OK shelling out for an overnight stay.

Whatislove82 · 08/02/2023 10:09

Op

how do you and your child get on generally? What’s the relationship like?

GoldDuster · 08/02/2023 10:09

It depends if you you're giving them a gift to help them with their wedding, or you're buying control of the proceedings, really.

plumduck · 08/02/2023 10:10

Oh and I assume you've put a lump sum in ie. £5000 rather than said you'll pay 2/3rds of the cost. If not make sure you are clear on the amount of your contribution.

Sssshh · 08/02/2023 10:10

Definitely not no. Either a no strings attached gift, or no gift. If your gift was say £5k it's £5k regardless, if they want to go over that's on them.

Ragwort · 08/02/2023 10:11

I think all you can do is point out that it seems very expensive, expecting guests to pay for their own accommodation (assuming they have to?) is a big ask & people may not feel able to accept the invitation and that your budget is £X and you won't be able to fund any extras.

I would be very disappointed if my adult DC chose a really extravagant venue ... but having already made the offer to contribute it's a bit late to back out now. But just be clear how much £s you are willing to give them ... will they expect you to pick up the extras?

Bluevelvetsofa · 08/02/2023 10:12

I paid for most of my daughter’s wedding and didn’t expect to have an input into the choice of venue, guest list, catering or anything else.

superking · 08/02/2023 10:13

I don't think the fact you've contributed makes any difference. As a parent, if you have a good relationship and are not prone to interference more generally, it could be reasonable to point out the issues you see. But tread very carefully, personally I'd leave it.

plumduck · 08/02/2023 10:14

I agree with @Ragwort. Nothing wrong with pointing things out. I wouldn't link it to your contribution though.

Original poster
3peassuit · 08/02/2023 10:15

We’ve told them how much we’re putting in which is the maximum for us but are concerned that they are going way over budget and we will be approached for more.

OP posts:
GabrielAgreste · 08/02/2023 10:17

Rainbowqueeen · 08/02/2023 10:01

If it was a venue that was going to place a significant burden on guests eg overnight stay, inconvenient location then yes. I’d be embarrassed.

Yes but that should be feedback anyone close to the couple could give, regardless of contribution.

If you throw your weight about because you’re paying, it’s controlling, and they may well decline your money and do what they like. Either way they will resent interference.

PurBal · 08/02/2023 10:17

So there’s nothing wrong with the venue other than you think it’s overpriced? You need to leave them to it. They’re adults and can budget themselves.

WandaWonder · 08/02/2023 10:18

3peassuit · 08/02/2023 10:15

We’ve told them how much we’re putting in which is the maximum for us but are concerned that they are going way over budget and we will be approached for more.

Then say no then

rambunctiousrapscallion · 08/02/2023 10:18

Im going to disagree with the majority by saying it depends on what expectations have been laid out.

At the end of the day its the parents money. No one has to pay for a wedding and MN folks are always banging on about dont be entitled etc, no one owes you anything, so it depends on context.

I.e. If youve never specifically offered to pay fpr the wedding, nor said anything about it and now your child is getting married you can say 'It would mean a lot to me if this specific thing happened therefore I will pay for it.' Its then the recipients choice but take the choice with good grace and dont hold it over them.

If you have offered the money and are now placing demands thats not ok. If you have always said you would happily contribute to their dream wedding and are now adding goalposts then thats not ok.

Weddings are emotional and a lot, so all sides have my sympathy in this. The best way to do it is set a time, assume everyone coming to the table is doing so with the best intentions and lay out the issues. 'we are delighted to contribute to your special day but by insisting that you get married at the top of mount everest we wont be able to attend and we love you so much and want to see you married, perhaps there could be a blessing and party at home?'

Or

'youve always said you would give me the same amount you gave my siblings. Im hurt that because ove chosen to get married in a barn you are saying you will pull the money unless we move to the country club. This is why i want the barn and can you explain your reservation about the barn.'

Open communication because everyone wants the day to be perfect.

Aquamarine1029 · 08/02/2023 10:18

3peassuit · 08/02/2023 10:15

We’ve told them how much we’re putting in which is the maximum for us but are concerned that they are going way over budget and we will be approached for more.

You should make is absolutely crystal clear, with no room for ambiguity, that there will be no more money.

plumduck · 08/02/2023 10:19

3peassuit · 08/02/2023 10:15

We’ve told them how much we’re putting in which is the maximum for us but are concerned that they are going way over budget and we will be approached for more.

I think it would be ok to talk to your child privately and say you are concerned that all the wedding costs will add up and ask if they've planned a budget. During this you could say that £10000 or whatever it is it for your contribution and you won't be able to provide any extra