Mil treating baby like a doll

[tiaandduck]

I know I'm probably bu. Mil has been annoying me recently and I don't know if I'm just feeling over protective or possessive of dd or what the problem actually is but she's grating on me.

She has this obsession about taking my baby out in the pram alone. She is always asking to come round to push the pram. She doesn't want me there.
Dd is sometimes a bit fussy in the pram and prefers the carrier and it's always been raining when she comes round, so I put her off as dd doesn't like the rain cover either. She's a bit fussy just now in general.
Sure enough though, mil has been asking to make plans so she can come and take dd out in the pram so I can have a break. Even though I've never asked for or needed a break.
The second thing is she keeps buying her these impractical dresses that are a bit full on party style...we don't go to parties and she grows out of them too quick to wear them. Her wardrobe is bursting at the seams with dresses she has never worn...as well as a furry white coat.
She keeps saying she's buying her designer stuff, has bought her converse which she just kicks off her feet. She keeps buying designer things in her taste and I prefer rompers, baby grows or a little top and leggings set.
She keeps saying she wants some gran time alone with the baby, but I just don't like being away from her just now. Maybe that's my issue. She is a fussy baby which is maybe why I don't want people to have her, incase they mess up my routine with her.
She has a boyfriend she's been seeing a few months now and he also keeps buying dd outfits.
I dunno if im just being overly sensitive or if she's been overbearing.

She’s probably very excited to be a gran, I’m guessing your baby is very young? I think your husband needs to sit her down and say you’ll be delighted to take her offer to baby sit but she’s just too young atm, once she’s older and more interactive you would love to have her spend more time with the baby. The clothes thing sounds a bit OTT, she’s spending loads of money for something your DD doesn’t need. Perhaps if you’re comfortable with it, ask if she can put that money in a bank acc for her so she can buy her own toys when she’s older?

How old is your baby ? Do you like your MIL ? Does she usually irritate you ?

Baby is five months
She can irritate me, I'm trying to put my finger on why.
I think she was so absent before baby was here with dh, cancelled plans all the time, every excuse under the sun and now she's all over us like a rash and popping in and there's always a text on a Saturday morning asking to come round, which eats up our weekends. Dh works away so it's the only chance we get as a family! I guess that's why I find it all a bit much.

It's hard to share the thing you love most in the world with someone you don't really like/ who irritates you.

It's hard to come to terms with the fact that although of course she's your DD, she's also related to someone who irritates you. The fact that your MIL is her grandmother and therefore does basically have a 'right' to a relationship with your child. Of course you can take that right away in the blink of an eye, but it's a big step and most people don't want that to happen unless it's absolutely necessary.

I hope I'm not projecting but perhaps this is why it all irritates you so much. Because nothing she's done is particularly outrageous. She sounds really excited and like she can't wait to dote on her granddaughter.

I had similar issues with my MIL. She was always sending me away to rest, when I didn't need it ( at the time, now I do and I gladly throw my kids at her ). She always wanted to take my baby out away from me. I hated it too. I felt like I was in the way, she didn't want me there. I know she still prefers to be alone with my kids. But my feelings around it have lessened and I've become more accepting and less possessive over my children. But when my first was a small baby, it was intense for me, so I understand how you feel.

Anyway, next time she texts on a Saturday, just say you've already got plans and can we see you next week or whenever suits you. Regarding the clothes, tell her you love them but feel bad you don't go out enough to dress her up in them- so perhaps something more like a top and leggings set would get more use.

Good luck anyway, I know it can be tough.

@feddupppp thank you, what a lovely kind post. I think you've hit the nail on the head.

How dare a Grandmother want to take her Grand child out in a pram for a walk. WTF is the world coming to?

She sounds a bit over the top. Probably it’s from a place of excitement but I can well understand how it must feel overbearing especially with her previously not making much effort.

I would probably do what a pp suggested and just get your DH to be direct with her that you don’t want the baby taken out by someone else yet. Also just be boudaried
about when you see her, if you don’t want her to come round on a Saturday then tell her your busy.

I would just bear in mind that you may well want her help for childcare at some point, even if it’s just the odd day. Also having an extra person to Love her will be nice for your daughter if they manage to develop a good relationship. So it might be worth thinking how you can harness her love and enthusiasm in a way that works for you but isn’t frustrated.

One way to maybe appease MIL is put your baby in the clothes she's bought, take a quick photo and then put the clothes in a donation bag. Fire the photo off to granny, she gets a warm fuzzy feeling and you have fulfilled daughter in law duties.

I get where you are with clothes. My SIL is like that. Last summer she bought 22 dresses (yes, you read that right, 22), pretty impractical summer dresses in August. She'd been going mad already with stuff, but this just drove me up the wall and I emailed my brother saying I could not cope with it and returned most of them. Yes, your MIL is going to buy some things that are impractical and not to your tastes, but there has to be a limit on the quantity, especially if they are super-expensive. I think ultimately returning them is the only way. People will say, give to charity, but you need her to stop doing it in the first place, and your DP needs to speak to her and get some of these out of your house. Is there anything she could usefully buy? That might make the conversation easier, or the savings account recommended by a pp is good too.

TBF the baby doesn't like sleeping in the pram, especially when it is raining, which it often has been.

She sounds really sweet. Of course she wants a little walk with her granddaughter! I do think you’re being a bit precious.

My advice re the clothes - graciously accept, say thank you, maybe take a picture of DD in the clothes ONCE and then put them in a bag somewhere for the charity shop. My MIL bought my DD Kappa tracksuits (🤮) when she was a baby and this is what I did, before deleting the pictures forever on my own phone 🤣

My advice re the rest of it - it may seem now like your baby will be a baby forever but there will come a time when you will need to lean on people for childcare - be it to save money, for sick days, nights out, or when you yourself are ill- and it’s very, very important not to burn your bridges early on. If you send out the message that “no childcare thank you” now you run the risk of never being offered it.

I say let her take DD for a walk, sit up with a cuppa you can actually drink and just learn to relax a little.

Do not return clothes that people have bought your baby! That is so shockingly rude. Just take them to the charity shop - I cannot believe people actually do this

God I really feel for all these bitch grannies buying clothes and wanting to take the baby out for a walk in the pram. The dresses are a bit old fashioned but when she was a young mother baby girls did wear dresses all the time not just for parties. She is probably just trying to give the baby nice things. I fail to see how all day can be taken up by her calling round. Surely you utilise the time to have a bath, wash your hair, get dressed and put some make up on if you are going out for the day. Most mothers of 5 month olds would kill for that. Try to reframe your thinking about her. You don’t have to love her but she obviously loves and cherishes your daughter.

Any grandmother who is asking for "alone time" with a GC is totally out of order.

I have 7 GC. I have never once ever asked for alone time. It is not mine to ask for. They are not my children. In fact I have had them on their own a fair bit - but only when asked to in order to help them - school pick-ups, care whilst DDs working etc. Of course I love it - we have a great time together. But if my DDs did not have a need for me to do this then it would not happen. The GC are not my playthings - they are not there for my pleasure.

I have never understood this attitude on the part of grandparents - all my friends who are also GPs feel the same. We have had our children - enjoyed them and been worn down by them at times - and now it is our time to have a completely different role, but one that is at the discretion of our children. That is fine. We had our turn.

Asking alone time with a GC is ‘out of order’….why?

The parents of your 7 GC are probably desperate for you to h e alone time with their children!

Im really so lucky that my ILs offer, and don’t just help out in emergencies

Is your DH her only child/did she only have boys?
Maybe she is somewhat living the fantasy that she has a daughter through your DD?

She does sound a bit overbearing and that's hard with your precious baby.

My ex (thank God) MIL used to make we wonder whether we'd had a baby just for her. And she too demanded he was taken to visit her every Sunday morning. It was a bloody nightmare and she was one of the reasons ExH and I spilt. He wouldn't/couldn't stand up to her.

Tbf, yours sounds genuinely excited and like a hands on grandma. Maybe you just need to set some boundaries in place for your own piece of mind?

Tell her you'd like to go for a walk and some fresh air and ask if she'd like to come too and push the pram?

And maybe kindly explain that you're in more need of comfy everyday clothes, and if she could keep a look out for those kinds of things, you'd be grateful

This isn't the case at all. In the past, with young babies like OPs, babies just wore sleepsuits all the time. My DM says this was just normal; people did not dress their children up in special clothes at all. Of course, with older children you are right.

I’ve never heard of anyone in real life asking for alone time with a baby. I do wonder if there is a miscommunication between what is said and what is heard. Most people would think it was helpful to take the baby out for a walk, not a nefarious plan for alone time with a baby

@Mischance you honestly sound like the perfect DGM!

OP yanbu, I would be annoyed too. Get your DH to have a word, she needs to tone it down a bit. Your DD isn't her dolly.

Actually buying mountains of clothes is shockingly rude. Buying the odd thing which is expensive and not to your taste is one of those things and of course you should not give it back. But if someone is buying lots and lots it becomes insensitive and overwhelming (for me) felt very much like a criticism of how I was parenting. Ultimately giving them back is the best way of stopping it and the sooner this happens the better for all and the ongoing family relationship.

I find it very odd that she wants to take the baby out in the pram without you there, and to some new mums this can cause anxiety rather than be nice. Why should her needs trump yours. It's partly about who's top dog, I often think, with this sort of behaviour. YANBU

I am over 40, from a poorer background and the only time I was in a babygro was bedtime, as was completely standard for everyone I knew growing up and there were a LOT of babies around. People took pride in dressing their babies in nice things, not just for special occasions.

I don't think I will ever fail to be shocked at the cultural norms when it comes to the family unit in this country. On some threads you'd be forgiven for thinking the MiL is not at all related to the family/baby in question and just a random woman who followed the OP home from Tesco wanting to hug the baby. Remarkable stuff.

It’s an overexcited grandma. Ah at least she dotes on dd that’s something to hold onto.
my df was obsessed with walking ds in his pram at every opportunity. Ds seemed to like it too. The other 2 grew out of being walked quite quickly - they were more of a handful. Df and dm settled eventually.

although now they have a new dgc on way. I shudder to think what frilly monstrosities they will inflict on dsil if it’s a girl.

no advice really just solidarity. They chill out a bit when baby gets more mobile. Can you exchange any of the outfits? Or drop heavy hints as to what dc actually need?