Mil treating baby like a doll

[tiaandduck]

I know I'm probably bu. Mil has been annoying me recently and I don't know if I'm just feeling over protective or possessive of dd or what the problem actually is but she's grating on me.

She has this obsession about taking my baby out in the pram alone. She is always asking to come round to push the pram. She doesn't want me there.
Dd is sometimes a bit fussy in the pram and prefers the carrier and it's always been raining when she comes round, so I put her off as dd doesn't like the rain cover either. She's a bit fussy just now in general.
Sure enough though, mil has been asking to make plans so she can come and take dd out in the pram so I can have a break. Even though I've never asked for or needed a break.
The second thing is she keeps buying her these impractical dresses that are a bit full on party style...we don't go to parties and she grows out of them too quick to wear them. Her wardrobe is bursting at the seams with dresses she has never worn...as well as a furry white coat.
She keeps saying she's buying her designer stuff, has bought her converse which she just kicks off her feet. She keeps buying designer things in her taste and I prefer rompers, baby grows or a little top and leggings set.
She keeps saying she wants some gran time alone with the baby, but I just don't like being away from her just now. Maybe that's my issue. She is a fussy baby which is maybe why I don't want people to have her, incase they mess up my routine with her.
She has a boyfriend she's been seeing a few months now and he also keeps buying dd outfits.
I dunno if im just being overly sensitive or if she's been overbearing.

I haven’t patronised anyone. I said it’s really unusual. I quite literally said they are your children and you obviously should do what you like. The talk about sleep suits was how people dressed their babies IN THE PAST. Not now dear. You got anything to add bar insults?

Nope, nearly left him because she had been very clear with her DH about not wanting her DD left alone with MIL, and his history of him putting MIL and her tantrums above his wife (and on that occasion his daughter).

She'd dressed baby up in a ridiculous scratchy outfit that made her uncomfortable, put her in a flat pram (despite her despising the pram due to reflux issues) and she'd decided she wasn't crying because of the above and instead because she was hungry and fed her CMPA exclusively breastfed baby normal formula, because clearly she was making it all so difficult for MIL to feed her just to spite her.

I suspect some of it may be to do with feeling like theyre being ‘unfaithful’ to their own mum too

I wonder how many will come on when their precious children are toddlers and moan that their BIL/SIL’s children are favoured by the ILs.

I also don’t like this encouragement of “that’s YOUR baby your choice” - actually we also have to choose to show our children, no matter how young, what a loving family and healthy relationship looks like. We owe it to them not to be overbearing and over protective. The biggest way a woman can treat their child like a doll is to be possessive and not ‘share’.

I did LOL at showing a grown woman who’s raised several children what Kylie Jenner dresses her kid in to educate them on children’s clothing 🤣🤣

Quite the drip feed @SaveMeFromMyBoobs

Who does she think she is thinking she’s the only parent who can dictate who sees their baby and how? Presumably he’s the father? If so he has equal say and her neurosis does not trump her husband’s wishes.

Wasn’t it just.

If my DH EVER told me that I wasn’t allowed to let my own mum take our babies out in the pram, he’d be getting told to fuck right off.

Yeah, it is mad. I mean I’ve met a lot of nutters over the years but the amount of tantrumming MILs on this site out numbers tantrumming toddlers 3/1.

Don’t you mean DiLs?

I was explaining how people used to dress their babies in the past. So MIL will see these dresses as normal every day dresses. Fashions change with baby clothes.

Lol @Blossomtoes!

😉

I honestly don’t think anybody looks after your own children like you do yourself

This really is true. Of course grandparents, aunties etc ‘love’ their baby grandchild/niece/nephew, but it’s not that fierce parental love.

MIL is like this, it’s hard to explain to people who look for innocent motives but it’s really about her ego and feeling she has control over the baby than because she’s just wildly excited and wants to spend time with them.

She used to buy DD clothes, come over and INSTANTLY want to change her into them - even if DD had clean clothes on already, and hated being changed in that way babies do. She clearly disapproved of the more casual things I put DD in and constantly wanted her in dresses and tights which DD hated (still does!).

She would pick DD up for a cuddle and refuse to give her back if she cried - ‘ohhh you can’t be hungry yet! It’s much too early!’ Then try to carry her off to another part of the house to ‘settle her’. I was breastfeeding and MIL seemed to take a weird exception to this, constantly asking when I was going to move her onto bottles or ‘try her with a bottle’. It’s like she didn’t like that I could give DD something she couldn’t.

She seemed to disapprove of DD acting like anything less than a perfect smiley doll, if DD cried or had a tantrum it would be ‘Oh she’s ever so grumpy isn’t she? Mine were never like that’ etc

And of course the pram walks ‘on her own’, when she would say she would be half an hour and then vanish and refuse to answer her phone and turn up some 2 hours later with a hungry upset baby.

I’m expecting DC2 next month and am very wise to her games this time round. I don’t think she’s a bad person, just very egotistical and a bit sneaky.

@Cuppasoupmonster wrt breastfeeding it was less common in recent previous generations. A lot of older women (even who did breastfeed)can’t get their heads round why people would ‘make more work’ for themselves by not giving the baby a bottle and sharing the work. Plus they also fed babies to a schedule, not on demand. Maybe she is a mad egoist but maybe she is just old fashioned in her outlook or rather of her time in her outlook. I bet most of these grannies would be devastated to think that they were regarded as such monsters.

"Actually this weekend we need a quiet one just DH, DD and I. Would you like to come out for lunch with us next weekend instead?"

"You're so generous, buying her all these dresses. I worry about you spending so much money on these designer things because we barely get to use them before she's grown out of them. How about just a nice party dress at Christmas and her birthday? If you're keen to support us by buying clothes we can never have enough leggings for her!"

"MIL she's not really a settle in the pram type of baby, and I'm still at the stage where it's physically painful to be away from my baby (ha ha I know it will pass and I'll be begging for a break sooner than I know it!). Why not come round for a coffee and a cuddle with her on Thursday evening instead? I was to hear all about (insert thing MIL has been doing)!

i didn’t say she was a monster

I really don’t think it’s about that with her- I think it’s just a desire to feel special and ‘central’ in everything all the time.

I think some mother in laws can’t cope with the fact they’re no longer the mother.

I do think loads of grannies are like that - mothers and MILs, but I do think that mothers get a lot more slack, definitely on here.

You never stop being a mother @Cuppasoupmonster, even when your “baby”’s well into middle age.

Oh dear, I've offered to take my dgc out in the pram once the weather gets a bit better

Not because I want alone time with them though, it's because they are 15 months and 4 months and I remember how hard it was when mine were little

I doubt dil would be on here having anything negative to say about it though. I've already had both of them over night a few times

Maybe in the summer when it's nicer out and baby is a bit older you might change your mind about half an hour or so out with mil 🤷‍♀️

I have an irrational hatred of my mil pushing the buggy. I don't know why. I hate it. I'm ashamed of it. My mil is lovely. She's kind and I'm lucky my kids have her. It's some weird possessive thing. It doesn't bother me when my mum pushes the buggy.

So I get it but yabu

I have seen it referred to on here as an awkward dance and I think that fits.

It’s the fact you can’t really say what you feel, so she gets weird vibes because you probably are being a bit weird. People pick up on these things.

Like for example the dresses. With your own mother you would just be like ffs stop buying these bloody dresses! With your mil your like oh thank you, and then never put them on. Then you feel weird, mother feels weird. It’s all weird.

Like fedup said this will pass. You will both settle in and soon you will happily throw the cute wee monster at her 🤣

@LeilaGetTheHose well I’m sorry you didn’t understand any of my rambling, first I’m not a native English speaker, second the grandmother seems to like brands hence celebrity ideas suggestions, and third I was just trying to find ideas to help.
Sorry to have inconvenienced you all with my rambling, will be leaving the thread and probably the website now, I’m tired of trying to help and only getting people pointing out the flaws in my English.
Best wishes OP

It honestly does not seem like the most inclusive website, it’s UK for UK (complaining about UK - the rest of the world does have issues too that can be valuable help examples, it just seems like a bubble here where they’re just ignored).
Best of luck to all