Mil treating baby like a doll

[tiaandduck]

I know I'm probably bu. Mil has been annoying me recently and I don't know if I'm just feeling over protective or possessive of dd or what the problem actually is but she's grating on me.

She has this obsession about taking my baby out in the pram alone. She is always asking to come round to push the pram. She doesn't want me there.
Dd is sometimes a bit fussy in the pram and prefers the carrier and it's always been raining when she comes round, so I put her off as dd doesn't like the rain cover either. She's a bit fussy just now in general.
Sure enough though, mil has been asking to make plans so she can come and take dd out in the pram so I can have a break. Even though I've never asked for or needed a break.
The second thing is she keeps buying her these impractical dresses that are a bit full on party style...we don't go to parties and she grows out of them too quick to wear them. Her wardrobe is bursting at the seams with dresses she has never worn...as well as a furry white coat.
She keeps saying she's buying her designer stuff, has bought her converse which she just kicks off her feet. She keeps buying designer things in her taste and I prefer rompers, baby grows or a little top and leggings set.
She keeps saying she wants some gran time alone with the baby, but I just don't like being away from her just now. Maybe that's my issue. She is a fussy baby which is maybe why I don't want people to have her, incase they mess up my routine with her.
She has a boyfriend she's been seeing a few months now and he also keeps buying dd outfits.
I dunno if im just being overly sensitive or if she's been overbearing.

These threads absolutely do not my reflect my experience of the real world whatsoever. It amazes me too.

The clothes things would annoy me but I would happily have wanted someone to take my baby for walls so I could get some time to myself, I get you think she is treating you baby like a doll but a baby is not a possession to you either

I don't get this if a baby is not with the mum 24/7 the world will end thing

She wants you to hand over your dd it her and a new bf?. Def bloody not..

I get where you're coming from. I didn't want to leave mine with others for quite a while. I'd pick your battles though, maybe put her off for walks as much you can but accept the outfits, pop baby in them once and take a photo to show some appreciation for the gesture and then gift them on (discreetly). She's just a keen grandmother. As your child gets older and you start to want the odd day or evening off, you may welcome her support and help so don't push her away too much.

I completely understand this. When I had DD1, my MIL was asking if she could babysit from 2 weeks old, I was still bleeding! Or she'd text every week to ask if we wanted to go out and she would watch the baby, if she came over, she'd ask if I needed to go and rest or if I needed to go out and she would watch the baby, I felt like I was getting in the way. So much so, that we went to the supermarket one evening for half an hour just to shut her up. DP started managing her visits and texts and although we still get texts with DD2, she knows now that if we needed her to have the kids, we would ask. DD2, she did start asking again quite frequently but I BF her so have a good excuse not to leave her.

Wait, I am confused why it would be bad for a grandmother to ask for alone time with baby? As long as there's no safety concerns, it's her grandchild so I don't know why she wouldn't want to spend one on one time with baby. I would be fine for my mum or mother in law to ask for this. Everyone's different I guess..

I am not for one second saying that you should give in to her every whim and let her take baby out whenever she wants etc.

However, I have the exact opposite experience and it's a bit crap really. My parents have both passed away (my mum when my eldest was 3m old so she never really got to be a grandma). My DH's parents aren't really interested at all. They were and hour away and have recently moved a further 45 mins away and when we do see them, it's a very formal "cooked meal at the table, polite conversation, and very little interaction with the gc beyond giving them a token gift as they arrive" situation.

I'd work to find a happy medium where your mil can have a half decent relationship with baby without you feeling like you're just pandering to her.

Oh and I'd definitely have a word about the clothes, maybe point her in the direction of useful items so she still gets to "spoil" gc but it's with stuff you can actually use?

Oh god- my mum was like this. Love her to bits but she just loves babies and can’t wait to take them out “in the pram”
I think, it must be an age thing- maybe your mother in law is of an older generation.
my mum loved dressing them up and always wanted to take them out in the pram by herself- she loved me taking photos of her and the baby in the pram too! 😂
Before I had any- it was friends babies!
I think- it maybe comes down to an old fashioned need of wanting to look after/ take care or maybe just brings back lovely memories?
Im not sure- I can’t see me wanting to do it- I was always so busy with work/ kids etc I was never able to feel joy bringing them out in the pram- it was a necessity.

I don't get why she has to take your daughter on her own.

Mumsnet hates MILs.
They forget that they will probably be someone's MIL one day.

Totally agree.

I think people forget that these MILs have heaps more experience raising children than their DIL does too.

You are not being unreasonable at all!! I’ve never had my kids taken out without me (other than by their dad!) and they are 3 and 2. She’s far too young (if you aren’t ready for it) she needs to back off.

I also cannot stand people buying clothes for my kids, they wouldn’t buy me clothes, so why buy for my kids. I can choose their clothes (until they are ready to start choosing!) I started returning everything MIL bought that I didn’t like and she did stop in the end. She was also buying from awful fast fashion type brands anyway, which I would never buy from. It used to irritate me as it’s so terrible for the environment too. Luckily no one had suggested taking my kids out without me being happy with it though!
I wouldn’t have let her, I’d just say in a nice way that it makes you feel a bit stressed and you appreciate the offer and will let her know when/if you’re ready for this.

I find it really unusual no one has left the house with your children without you or your husband at their ages. Not grandparents, aunts or uncles? Obviously you do whatever you want with your children but this is quite out of the ordinary

All of you offended by being bought clothes and a grandma wanting to see their GC may be surprised when your own precious children shun you when you’re an old lady. And you’ll only have yourself to blame

It’s also unhealthy for children who will be starting school before long.

No one is doing their child a favour by being over bearing and precious

Yes, I’m definitely not saying that’s normal either but it’s not something we have ever wanted (also don’t live close to family so when they visit kids need time to warm up to them etc) more just that it would stress me out so we haven’t! I more just think it shouldn’t be something forced on someone who isn’t keen, as OP 5 month old is still v young!
although I actually just realised I’m wrong as when I was in hospital have DD2 my parents looked after my other daughter (in our house) and did take her out!

I totally agree, and we mix and socialise all the time with friends and family. They are confident kids.
mad also don’t have family loving nearby. If a trusted family me member wanted to take my dd1 to the park or something I would let that happen now asong as she wanted to go. My point was more that no one should be having to do something they aren’t comfortable with - also 5 months is v young. Fine if she wants the break! But she doesn’t 🤷🏻‍♀️ perhaps it makes her feel more stressed out…I know that’s what would’ve happened to me.

Yes but your children do need to be used to being round other people without you there. Do they go to crèche or nursery?

The first year or so of a baby's life is very important... and (usually), mother and to a slightly lesser extent the father know best.

Mum knows the baby, and how she wants to parent. Her wishes should be respected. That's my opinion.

I do think its lovely your mil wants to help out. If you're not keen on that for now (and I totally understand why), then maybe you or your partner could explain why? And how you would like her to be involved? And when?

Hopefully she's reasonable enough to understand, but communication is key.

I assumed your baby was a lot older than 5 months with your list of things she "doesn't like"... 😁
They fuss sometimes. Not always at the same things. She's too young to have much of an opinion on anything.

No they don’t. I actually disagree though! I’m more ‘let them go when they want to’ type, I still think they are very young!
I don’t think others are doing it wrong at all. It’s just how we have been. I also would let my 3 year old do things with family or friends without me now, it’s just not come up!

Why don’t you make a regular date with your MIIL? If the weather is nice you could go for a walk together.
If if happens to be bad weather a Garden centre or Café.
Then you get to choose Pram or baby carrier.
You MIL sounds excited but well meaning.
please believe me one day you will be happy to have a enthusiastic babysitter.
Family harmony is important. Try to get to know your MIL even if only for your DD

In the nicest possible way - There’s really nothing wrong with her grandma wanting to take her out in the pram. Some grandma’s love doing this and it’s definitely a thing is pushing the pram!
she is five months old not a newborn, it isn’t much to ask to let her do it for an hour.
When your daughter is older put yourself in your MIL position when you are a grandma and imagine how you would feel to be refused to take your grandchild for a walk. Many grandparents don’t want to be involved and it may come in handy one day for childcare/ support so I would suggest considering if you can possibly allow it to happen

I feel the need to say shut up.

I wouldn’t want anyone taking my baby out, and letting it be known they didn’t want me there.

Hell would freeze over before that happened.

I honestly don’t think anybody looks after your own children like you do yourself, from my own experience, both my mother and sister, failed to properly care for my child when she was ill in their care.

Once they never alerted me to how ill the child was, and they were hospitalised as soon as I saw them, after returning from work, and another time, they put a plaster on a cut, and insisted it was enough, when it there should have been stitches, and they did have transport to take them to be treated, but chose to put on plasters instead.

So she showed no interest in you before the baby.
Interesting that she has a new boyfriend buying clothes for a baby he doesn't know, that's the weirdest bit.
Does the alone time include the boyfriend, is he putting pressure on her?