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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mil treating baby like a doll

318 replies

tiaandduck · 07/02/2023 20:56

I know I'm probably bu. Mil has been annoying me recently and I don't know if I'm just feeling over protective or possessive of dd or what the problem actually is but she's grating on me.

She has this obsession about taking my baby out in the pram alone. She is always asking to come round to push the pram. She doesn't want me there.
Dd is sometimes a bit fussy in the pram and prefers the carrier and it's always been raining when she comes round, so I put her off as dd doesn't like the rain cover either. She's a bit fussy just now in general.
Sure enough though, mil has been asking to make plans so she can come and take dd out in the pram so I can have a break. Even though I've never asked for or needed a break.
The second thing is she keeps buying her these impractical dresses that are a bit full on party style...we don't go to parties and she grows out of them too quick to wear them. Her wardrobe is bursting at the seams with dresses she has never worn...as well as a furry white coat.
She keeps saying she's buying her designer stuff, has bought her converse which she just kicks off her feet. She keeps buying designer things in her taste and I prefer rompers, baby grows or a little top and leggings set.
She keeps saying she wants some gran time alone with the baby, but I just don't like being away from her just now. Maybe that's my issue. She is a fussy baby which is maybe why I don't want people to have her, incase they mess up my routine with her.
She has a boyfriend she's been seeing a few months now and he also keeps buying dd outfits.
I dunno if im just being overly sensitive or if she's been overbearing.

OP posts:
Hatscats · 08/02/2023 01:32

”alone time” isn’t benefitting your baby or you - you’re right to say no to it. Seeing the baby while you’re around is enough for now.
As for the awful outfits I’d return or charity shop.

namechange1487 · 08/02/2023 04:59

Mischance · 07/02/2023 21:46

Any grandmother who is asking for "alone time" with a GC is totally out of order.

I have 7 GC. I have never once ever asked for alone time. It is not mine to ask for. They are not my children. In fact I have had them on their own a fair bit - but only when asked to in order to help them - school pick-ups, care whilst DDs working etc. Of course I love it - we have a great time together. But if my DDs did not have a need for me to do this then it would not happen. The GC are not my playthings - they are not there for my pleasure.

I have never understood this attitude on the part of grandparents - all my friends who are also GPs feel the same. We have had our children - enjoyed them and been worn down by them at times - and now it is our time to have a completely different role, but one that is at the discretion of our children. That is fine. We had our turn.

Print this out and send it to MIL

Spot on

Delorestormborn · 08/02/2023 05:43

I’d let her have some time. Then you can have a rest. She seems nice.

darjeelingrose · 08/02/2023 07:06

TheObstinateHeadstrongGirl · 07/02/2023 21:49

Asking alone time with a GC is ‘out of order’….why?

The parents of your 7 GC are probably desperate for you to h e alone time with their children!

Im really so lucky that my ILs offer, and don’t just help out in emergencies

At five months at any rate, there is absolutely no benefit for the baby to have "alone time" with the grandparents, though, is there? Especially not if it doesn't help the mum.

Dogcafedreamer · 08/02/2023 07:20

It's always the MIL, it's a wonder any make children were raised to adulthood!

She comes on a Saturday when herDs is there as she wants to see him also?

Possibly absent before DGD was born as she doesn't particularly like you.

DragonHouse · 08/02/2023 07:25

YANBU. There is no need for baby to spend time alone with grandparents.

The fact that she specifically does not want you there would ring alarm bells for me. No way would I allow it.

CecilyP · 08/02/2023 07:28

Eyerollcentral · 07/02/2023 23:56

@Cuppasoupmonster wrt breastfeeding it was less common in recent previous generations. A lot of older women (even who did breastfeed)can’t get their heads round why people would ‘make more work’ for themselves by not giving the baby a bottle and sharing the work. Plus they also fed babies to a schedule, not on demand. Maybe she is a mad egoist but maybe she is just old fashioned in her outlook or rather of her time in her outlook. I bet most of these grannies would be devastated to think that they were regarded as such monsters.

How old do you think these MILs are? While bottle feeding and feeding babies to schedule was the norm in the 60s and 70s breastfeeding on demand was common by the 80s. As was dressing babies in babygros, and other clothes in soft stretch fabrics. Unless these new mums are much older than average, I don’t think ‘doing things differently then’ is much of a reason for MILs behaviour.

CecilyP · 08/02/2023 07:34

Blossomtoes · 08/02/2023 00:13

You never stop being a mother @Cuppasoupmonster, even when your “baby”’s well into middle age.

I think part of OPs complaint is that her MIL didn’t bother visiting her own adult baby very much but wants to visit OPs baby instead!

Porkyporkchop · 08/02/2023 07:39

Honesty is the best policy here. You can be kind when you tell her but please be honest. The clothing is kind, but wouldn’t it be better to pay into a savings account so when dd is older she can put the money towards a hobby or holiday etc etc. also, it’s lovely granny wants to walk baby in the pram, but actually baby doesn’t really like the pram at the moment and is getting upset so this is not an option - she can however come for a cup of tea and see dd at your house.
it’s just a juggle but boundaries are important as they will stop you feeling angry at her. She also needs to know your baby is not a dolly and has needs that should be met with one of those not being stuck in a pram for half hour when she hates this.

TigerTea3 · 08/02/2023 07:45

Alone time with baby is one of my biggest bug bears. Maybe it's because I'm not a grandparent, but I just can't wrap my head around it.

I have a fantastic MIL, I care about her greatly and we have a good relationship but we have had many tears and disagreements because I won't hand my baby over as and when demanded. It's nothing to do with it being my MIL, I'd be the same with my own mother too.

I'm more than happy to leave my child with my MIL and I have done many times so it's not that I don't trust her, there's just something about turning up and demanding alone time and then getting upset if we don't comply that really gets my back up.

ExistenceOptional · 08/02/2023 07:46

CecilyP · 08/02/2023 07:28

How old do you think these MILs are? While bottle feeding and feeding babies to schedule was the norm in the 60s and 70s breastfeeding on demand was common by the 80s. As was dressing babies in babygros, and other clothes in soft stretch fabrics. Unless these new mums are much older than average, I don’t think ‘doing things differently then’ is much of a reason for MILs behaviour.

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I was a young adult in the eighties. Babies I saw were only dressed in sleepsuits for sleeping where I lived.
Clothing in general is far more casual these days.

Johnnysgirl · 08/02/2023 08:41

SaveMeFromMyBoobs · 07/02/2023 23:31

Nope, nearly left him because she had been very clear with her DH about not wanting her DD left alone with MIL, and his history of him putting MIL and her tantrums above his wife (and on that occasion his daughter).

She'd dressed baby up in a ridiculous scratchy outfit that made her uncomfortable, put her in a flat pram (despite her despising the pram due to reflux issues) and she'd decided she wasn't crying because of the above and instead because she was hungry and fed her CMPA exclusively breastfed baby normal formula, because clearly she was making it all so difficult for MIL to feed her just to spite her.

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All within 15 minutes... 😂

Cuppasoupmonster · 08/02/2023 09:00

Blossomtoes · 08/02/2023 00:13

You never stop being a mother @Cuppasoupmonster, even when your “baby”’s well into middle age.

She’s not the baby’s mother though, I am. She’s had her turn of being in charge and now I’m in charge.

buttercupboots · 08/02/2023 09:02

I've heard a lot of similar things from my MIL in relation to my BIL & SIL who had a baby last year. She found it very upsetting that she wasn't able to take her out in the pram/dress her etc. She told me it made her feel as though she wasn't trusted to care for her grandchild. This was all reinforced by my SIL who allowed her own mother to get thoroughly involved.

Fwiw though I'm very nervous about people buying clothes etc and not wanting to be ungrateful, but also not wanting to dress my baby in a way that I don't like. Could you let her know that your running out of space for clothes so as not to be wasteful, could she hold off on buying any more for the time being?

If it genuinely is inconvenient for her to be taken out whenever MIL asks due to rain etc, could you take the initiative and ask her if she wants to take baby out when it's dry? Even if you don't feel you need a break, what's the problem with sitting with a cup of tea for 20 minutes?

Cuppasoupmonster · 08/02/2023 09:07

Also whenever my daughter has spent time with MIL alone, something has always happened - a fall/head bump, a large splinter that I had to remove from her finger while she was pinned down, burning her mouth on hot food. MIL constantly gives her cake and chocolate biscuits even if it’s an ‘I’ll pick her up in an hour for dinner’ type thing (she down the road from us). She also doesn’t really play with DD, tends to just put her in front of the telly, and let’s her nap off even if I’ve asked her not to Hmm

It all may seem like little things but it’s annoying. I know she thinks I’m a ‘snowflake’ parent but it’s all very well her thinking that when I’m the one trying to get DD to sleep after a nap, or trying to give her dinner after she’s eaten biscuits all afternoon, or removing the splinter (she didn’t have the stomach for it apparently).

So the ‘alone’ visits have dried up for now, I invite her over here to play with DD while I do housework etc but she doesn’t want to do that so 🤷🏼‍♀️

JessicaFletcherscrewnecksweater · 08/02/2023 09:12

I never understand why certain family members have a strong desire to get a baby all to themselves and forcibly separate it from their mother. It’s fucking weird.

RainyDaysareCarp · 08/02/2023 09:14

My friend was babysitting her GD and the Mum left her a minute by minute list of instructions eg 11 am gets 1 snack, 11.05 check nappy, blah blah. I was there - we just laughed. My friend reared 4 of them.

Foxglovers · 08/02/2023 09:21

Eyerollcentral · 07/02/2023 23:11

No, you are wrong. I am over 40 and I was at play school for the mornings the year before I went to school. And I was far from the first cohort who did that! I started primary school at 4. My mother wasn’t at work. Neither were most other mothers. Plus people and families lived in much closer proximity to one another, you say you have no family near you and your children aren’t used to being round your relatives. Children were exposed to far more people. Will your child not be starting nursery at 4? It’s of course your decision but you seem to be thinking about you not the children.

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Well I’m 38 and that’s not my experience.
we visit family regularly- they live a few hours away but I like to go and stay with them for extended periods.
Anyway, to say I’m thinking of myself and not my kids is not true. There are many different styles of parenting out there and I’m sure that the majority of people think what they are choosing to do is the best for their kids.

Cuppasoupmonster · 08/02/2023 09:23

RainyDaysareCarp · 08/02/2023 09:14

My friend was babysitting her GD and the Mum left her a minute by minute list of instructions eg 11 am gets 1 snack, 11.05 check nappy, blah blah. I was there - we just laughed. My friend reared 4 of them.

When though? The thing is most grandparents’ baby care skills are some 50 years out of date. When DH was a baby he was given solid food at a couple of months old, bottle fed in a way that wouldn’t be considered hygienic now, put on his side to sleep.

If MILS seemed open to learning about how things are done now, and actually respected the mum’s wishes, they would probably be trusted a lot more. But often it’s a ‘don’t be silly, I raised 3 myself, give them here’ which doesn’t inspire confidence.

Sugargliderwombat · 08/02/2023 09:40

I totally get what you're saying OP, what is the obsession with having the baby without us there ? My MIL walks straight out of the room as soon as she's holding my son, I just don't get it?

5128gap · 08/02/2023 09:55

These threads really make me thank my stars that my children and partners are relaxed, generous and appreciative when it comes to my relationships with my GC. I've had them 'alone' almost from birth, am more than welcome to pick out outfits for them, and its been clear from the offset that a close relationship is considered desirable by all. It must be very miserable to be a GP when the relationship with the children is gatekept and controlled.
As it happens I've no real wish to be alone with them, it's fine either way. But I think that's largely because their parents are relaxed and trust me, so there's no sense of being hovered over and criticised.
Obviously GPs have no rights and parents hold all the power but really, other than indulging your own possessiveness, and not accommodating someone who 'gets on your nerves', what benefit to your child is there in restricting their relationship with a loving GP? Surely the more people who love and care for them the better?

5128gap · 08/02/2023 10:09

darjeelingrose · 08/02/2023 07:06

At five months at any rate, there is absolutely no benefit for the baby to have "alone time" with the grandparents, though, is there? Especially not if it doesn't help the mum.

Show quote history

I've had mine alone from 3 days old. The benefits are that GC are completely comfortable with me and I with them, knowing their routine, how to comfort them etc, so I can drop onto caring for them at any time, without any strangeness or distress on GCs part or worry on the parents part.
As an extended family we are able to provide a greater level of care than could be provided by parents alone. No one needs to get over tired, frustrated or bored, as there's another person to step in, fresher and more enthusiastic to meet the child's needs, which obviously has benefits for the child.
I appreciate its not for everyone, but its worked well in my family for three generations.

Cuppasoupmonster · 08/02/2023 10:11

Obviously GPs have no rights and parents hold all the power but really, other than indulging your own possessiveness, and not accommodating someone who 'gets on your nerves', what benefit to your child is there in restricting their relationship with a loving GP? Surely the more people who love and care for them the better?

Read my post about how MIL does a substandard job of ‘caring’ for DD. And how is a relationship restricted at 5 months old by not being ‘alone’ with somebody? Makes no sense. Babies don’t want to be away from their mum.

Blossomtoes · 08/02/2023 10:13

Babies don’t want to be away from their mum.

Mine liked my mum more than he liked me. 😂

Johnnysgirl · 08/02/2023 10:14

Cuppasoupmonster · 08/02/2023 10:11

Obviously GPs have no rights and parents hold all the power but really, other than indulging your own possessiveness, and not accommodating someone who 'gets on your nerves', what benefit to your child is there in restricting their relationship with a loving GP? Surely the more people who love and care for them the better?

Read my post about how MIL does a substandard job of ‘caring’ for DD. And how is a relationship restricted at 5 months old by not being ‘alone’ with somebody? Makes no sense. Babies don’t want to be away from their mum.

Your MIL. She sounds awful, but it's quite odd to think she's just the same as everyone else?