Mil treating baby like a doll

[tiaandduck]

I know I'm probably bu. Mil has been annoying me recently and I don't know if I'm just feeling over protective or possessive of dd or what the problem actually is but she's grating on me.

She has this obsession about taking my baby out in the pram alone. She is always asking to come round to push the pram. She doesn't want me there.
Dd is sometimes a bit fussy in the pram and prefers the carrier and it's always been raining when she comes round, so I put her off as dd doesn't like the rain cover either. She's a bit fussy just now in general.
Sure enough though, mil has been asking to make plans so she can come and take dd out in the pram so I can have a break. Even though I've never asked for or needed a break.
The second thing is she keeps buying her these impractical dresses that are a bit full on party style...we don't go to parties and she grows out of them too quick to wear them. Her wardrobe is bursting at the seams with dresses she has never worn...as well as a furry white coat.
She keeps saying she's buying her designer stuff, has bought her converse which she just kicks off her feet. She keeps buying designer things in her taste and I prefer rompers, baby grows or a little top and leggings set.
She keeps saying she wants some gran time alone with the baby, but I just don't like being away from her just now. Maybe that's my issue. She is a fussy baby which is maybe why I don't want people to have her, incase they mess up my routine with her.
She has a boyfriend she's been seeing a few months now and he also keeps buying dd outfits.
I dunno if im just being overly sensitive or if she's been overbearing.

So pleased to see that. Not having any genetic grandchildren must mean that selfish, incompetent foolishness is something I can dodge!

I think people forget that these MILs have heaps more experience raising children than their DIL does too.

Well apparently ops mil's heaps more experience has not taught her to not stick babies who don't like prams into prams, with or without rain covers (even more confining and isolating) and dress them in uncomfortable impractical clothes (that are entirely about the person looking at the child, and not the child).

The thing that annoys me about these threads is that they anyways get hijacked by a bunch of people who seemingly ignore the specific details of the OP, and instead go on a crusade to defend all mother in laws/grandparents.

They inevitably end up with someone crying ageism, although ironically they spend most of the thread pooh-poohing anything that younger mothers have to share that might relate to the OP (because we couldn't possibly understand our own children better than you).

My p's step mother also had heaps more experience raising children, but nonetheless challenged me stridently on not weaning at 3 months.

The best considered knowledge now is that it is not appropriate to wean at 3 months unless it is advised for some reason by a medical professional etc.

I never stick to any "rules" super strictly esp when it's humans and if my baby had shown any real enthusiasm for purees, baby rice etc before 6 months, I would've let them have some ..... But she did not. She was completely fixated on milk and not interested. She weaned around 6 months.

Nonetheless as a sleep deprived, hormonal new Mum I had to be hectored at across a room - on an occasion when I'd travelled 6 hrs round trip to join the fil and step mil for a day of their holiday (fils Birthday) with no notice because dp forgot til the night before "Did your mother not feed you til 6 months???!!!!".

That was one of many examples from older mothers in my family I could list.

Yep.

Well it might be nice later on to have MIL take baby out for walks in pram or buggy but you don't have to agree. I can see how irritating busybody hat MIL and MIL bf have only become interested in visiting now you have a baby 'for dress up'! . It's ok to say "nope we're busy not a good time - how about you pop round for a cuddle at x day at y time but text first before you set off" (ie x day is Later that week)

Also it's ok to say "kind though it is, please stop buying dresses wardrobe is full and she's not wearing them. Baby is more comfortable and warmer in leggings and t shirts and babygrows at the moment. I'm finding all the new clothes each time a bit overwhelming"

Oh please. Of course they’re all going to be ‘older’ because grannies are! We literally cannot complain about grandparents without someone crying ‘ageism’ because by default they will all be above a certain age. Not the same as ‘disliking or stereotyping older people in general’.

The dismissal of older women on this site really is unreal

I dismiss (or acknowledge) older women in exactly the same way as younger women .... depending on their behaviour and apparent judgement.

I think people forget that these MILs have heaps more experience raising children than their DIL does too.

My Mum has raised 4 kids at a time when coparenting was confined to a sat afternoon (if the mother was lucky) in my region of the UK.

She once suggested it was best to leave my baby in a shitty nappy rather than disturb them when falling asleep for their main nighttime sleep.

She used to express her amazement at how did almost never got nappy rash, and told anecdortes of having to get the special super duper antibiotic etc nappy rash cream that the pharmacist made up for us as babies

Older women/mother's wisdom.and opinions should be assessed on a case by case basis..... Op's mil is not looking good.

I think people forget that these MILs have heaps more experience raising children than their DIL does too.

The baby care part is usually not relevant as the guidance changes every 10-20 years or so. My grandparents used to dip their finger in whisky when my dad was a baby and let him suck it to ‘help him sleep’. My own mum used to drink Guinness when she was pregnant with me ‘for the iron’, and put me to sleep on my stomach ‘in case I was sick’.

You probably in a nice way just need to say, look it's all a bit to much at the moment, I'm not saying never but right now I need you to back off a little bit until I'm ready for sleepovers/leaving baby etc

The only things that have changed since I had my children 20/30 years ago are that they must no longer wear coats in the car seat and they're not weaned until at least 6 months.
Even my aging memory can cope with a list of 2 things to remember.

Those are absolutely not the only two things that have changed 🤦‍♀️

When I had mine we were told to put them down to sleep on their tummies. Seeing current, evidence based guidance it makes me feel sick to think of the risk we were taking unknowingly.

Really? Enlighten me then. What else do you imagine I did differently from today?

This had already changed when I had my first in 93. It was back sleeping only then.

My oldest is 28 tomorrow and it was back to sleep then. Weaning from 4 months , bottles could be made in batches and kept in the fridge . Can't remember about coats in cars

When I had my 20 year old weaning was 6 months

By the time the 12 year old came along we didn't put them in coats in the car and bottles were made up when needed

@Calphurnia88 yep that describes my baby perfectly. She's the same in the car seat. The pram pushing is all about mil. I feel like my baby is her shiny new toy and it rubs me up the wrong way. I totally get I'm being irrational and I will let her take dd out but it annoys me so much. I feel annoyed that I'm batted away for her to bond with my daughter, and she can use the pram as an accessory to play mamas and papas without me in tow.

I don't think you're being irrational.

The mother here hasn’t said anything so in fairness how is the MIL supposed to know

How much human communication is non verbal?

Also she shouldn't have to be told not to assume she's taking a young baby off on her own. That's presumptious.

You're not being irrational.

Is MIL aware that DD is fussy in the pram?

@Calphurnia88 yes she knows but has probably forgotten. She has asked
Me four or five times now if she can come to ours and take dd out in the pram 'and it will give you a break'
Thing is my other half works away from home so when he's here, we want to spend time as a family with the baby here! Dh has suggested this to her but every Saturday we get the text to say she wants
To pop through to take dd out, what are our plans. We put her off because we are genuinely busy but the texts keep coming.

If she takes her out she will know instantly that dd doesn't like it. I have to plan walks around nap time, even if we are going around the shops, i plan for nap times.

Op, you dont need to ‘let her take your baby out’. You need to start as you mean to go on here, as your baby’s advocate. If she’s planning to do something it’s clear the baby doesn’t like, you need to step in to stop it happening. I’ve been mulling over why this annoys me this evening, and I’ve realised it’s because people who continue to persevere with something when it’s clear the baby is unhappy don’t have good maternal instincts and as mums we can ‘sense’ this.

My Nan for example is wonderful with babies - she would never persevere in something if I told her the baby didn’t like it or if she could see they were crying and distressed. She doesn’t hang on to them when they’re crying, she hands them back. She sees them as tiny people really,
not a doll to be dressed up and wheeled out even if they’re not enjoying it. She doesn’t feel the need to ‘assert’ herself in any way despite having raised 5 babies and helped with many many grandchildren.

MIL on the other hands seems to see babies as something for her to enjoy by doing whatever she fancies even if they clearly don’t like it. Which puts my mothering hackles up. I don’t feel I can trust her because I know it’s all about her and not the best care of the baby.

I would say ‘a break would be lovely but they don’t enjoy the pram - would you mind coming round and playing with them so I can crack on with some housework instead?’

That way you’re not breathing down her neck as she plays with the baby, but you’re there in case they become upset or need you. This is what I did with MIL in the early months, it felt like a nice compromise.

Having thought about it too, I think what annoys me is that she has been quite 'unbothered' by dh. Cancelling plans, not visiting him, not giving him his present on his birthday etc, yet when ever she does see him she's all over him calling him
My boy, my baby...offers to cut his hair etc it makes me wince.
So I think from that, my back is up.
I also have another child from a previous relationship, she's never been overly arsed about yet my baby is all she's ever dreamed of.