Mil treating baby like a doll

[tiaandduck]

I know I'm probably bu. Mil has been annoying me recently and I don't know if I'm just feeling over protective or possessive of dd or what the problem actually is but she's grating on me.

She has this obsession about taking my baby out in the pram alone. She is always asking to come round to push the pram. She doesn't want me there.
Dd is sometimes a bit fussy in the pram and prefers the carrier and it's always been raining when she comes round, so I put her off as dd doesn't like the rain cover either. She's a bit fussy just now in general.
Sure enough though, mil has been asking to make plans so she can come and take dd out in the pram so I can have a break. Even though I've never asked for or needed a break.
The second thing is she keeps buying her these impractical dresses that are a bit full on party style...we don't go to parties and she grows out of them too quick to wear them. Her wardrobe is bursting at the seams with dresses she has never worn...as well as a furry white coat.
She keeps saying she's buying her designer stuff, has bought her converse which she just kicks off her feet. She keeps buying designer things in her taste and I prefer rompers, baby grows or a little top and leggings set.
She keeps saying she wants some gran time alone with the baby, but I just don't like being away from her just now. Maybe that's my issue. She is a fussy baby which is maybe why I don't want people to have her, incase they mess up my routine with her.
She has a boyfriend she's been seeing a few months now and he also keeps buying dd outfits.
I dunno if im just being overly sensitive or if she's been overbearing.

My child was perfectly happy with both sets of grandparents and other relatives and then friends later on

One of the reasons I had a baby was I knew my child was going to be fine with people that loved them, did not to need to glued to me

But why on her own ?

Whats wrong with that?

Why not?

Totally agree.

This obsession with spending time alone with very young grandchildren is just nuts.

Why is it ‘odd’ given the number of similar posts on this thread?

On the other hand I trust my Nan completely with DD because the first thing she said was ‘I had my kids and grandkids years ago, so tell me what’s changed so I know what to do’. She also has a similar mindset to me in terms of healthy food and interacts with DD rather than just putting her in front of the telly. DD has never had an ‘accident’ at her house because she actually watches her.

MIL on the other hand sees it as a self validation exercise, would never ask how I want anything done and seems to see it as an opportunity to prove ‘her’ way of parenting is the best. Until DD has an accident or won’t sleep until 10pm that is, then it’s back to being my problem.

Of course it's perfectly ok with grandparents to spend time alone with their grandchildren. But they shouldn't be demanding it, when the parents of the baby aren't comfortable with it.

Unless you're the OP, your post about your MiL isn't relevant to the restrictions the OP wants to place on her MiL though is it? Obviously there isn't a benefit to the child of substandard care. But there are significant benefits to the child of high quality care from a GP.

Agree asking for 'alone time' with GC is a bit presumptuous, it doesn't need to be said. She could just say 'happy to take baby out if you need a break, just let me know' - not regularly ask and create pressure. Especially if you are breast feeding, baby needs to be close to Mum most the time. I agree with posters who say you do not want to alienate someone who is offering free childcare, believe me you will want and need it when your baby becomes mobile. So try to keep her sweet whilst protecting your boundaries, I think suck it up with the clothes.

I don’t think such a pushy grandparent is offering ‘high quality care’, they’re indifferent to the feelings of mum and baby as long as they get what they want and dominate the situation.

It’s a general chat thread so people will weigh in with their own stories and experiences. Just because you don’t like mine, doesn’t mean it belongs here less than anyone else’s.

Shes happy/loving being a gran probably no more than that. I always felt with MIL you can never have enough people around who truly love your baby, your teaching your child a valuable life lesson surrounding them with love - life gets harder as they get older but if their foundations/start in life is filled with lots of love not just patents but MIL, auntie etc - they will feel safe & secure. Be Kind & gracious OP

Yes, exactly. My MIL has raised two children: by leaving them to cry themselves to sleep alone in a room from day one. She thinks it’s OK to leave a dog alone in a room with a baby on a playmat; doesn’t believe in slings (it’s “pandering” apparently ) but does believe in dummies dipped in sugar. She’s raised two children but not a cat’s chance she’ll ever have alone time with my children til they’re 30.

In the OP’s case her MIL wants to put a baby who hates the pram in a pram, and dress her in uncomfortable clothes. For why? Leaving aside her MIL status, it’s OK for OP to set boundaries like “I don’t put the baby in the pram unless necessary” and “I prefer my baby to be comfortable” – that’s not wild anti-MIL rhetorics, that’s caring for her baby.

Sell the clothes. Placate MIL with a walk where she wears the baby in a sling, if you’re willing to. Otherwise keep asserting those boundaries.

And in 30 years time when you are a grandma YOUR parenting and tactics will be sneered at.

That’s not an answer to “why”, it’s just being ornery. What benefit does MIL get from pushing a fussy baby in a pram alone Vs pushing an angry baby in a pram with her DIL and son for company?

I totally disagree.

Baby gets time to bond with a loving family member who will be in their lives forever.

Mum is rested, which brings benefits to the baby.

Theres no harm to be done for a baby being taken for a walk in the pram by an experienced parent.

Where’s your husband? Is he sitting in the corner doing as he’s told?

If something I’m doing now will be seen as unsafe or outmoded when I’m a granny, then I will be more than happy to learn the new ropes. It’s about the best care for a baby, not validating the MIL’s outdated parenting skills and letting her relive her own baby days. The fact you think improving knowledge is ‘sneering’ shows you think the validation comes before safely caring for a baby.

Never said they won’t be. Still doesn’t mean I or OP have to leave our babies with anyone we don’t want to. Leaving my DC with my incapable MIL isn’t some get-out-of-jail-free futureproofing to ensure I get some grandchild alone time in 30 years. Why would I want some, anyway? Babies are hard work and I’ll be 73.

Usually he’s complaining about his mum!

Oh god I did this with MIL who raised 3 children. I even laminated the bloody thing 🙈 she was so gracious bless her, and we laugh about it now.

She gets a more relaxed experience. The sort of DiL who wouldn't want her to take the baby out alone will typically be the sort who will hover over her when she is interacting with the baby, micromanaging the interaction, which tends to make people feel on edge.
She also gets to walk without the need to make conversation with other adults.
Totally different experience.

I agree with this completely.

When I see kids who have no relationship with their grandparents I feel so sad and so lucky that mine are close to theirs

None of my 1yo's grandparents have ever asked for alone time with my child. I'd find that extremely odd. They come over frequently, my son loves them, but I just don't need childcare at the moment so I can count on my hands the times I've left him with anyone but myself (bar my husband), just for things like appointments etc.

The fact that I'm always around when they come over hasn't impacted their relationship with my son at all - as I said before, he adores them (and I adore them too tbh!).

I don't understand why you have to be alone with a child to bond with them. What exactly are you doing that you don't want to do with their parents there?! Just weird all round.

@RainyDaysareCarp I understand from the mums point of view that she has worked hard to implement a routine that works for her and the baby. All it takes is for someone to take baby, distrupt feeding and sleeping routine and baby is left overtired, screaming and not going to bed at usual time which is havoc for the babies mother. It's why I'm reluctant to leave her with anyone yet. It's a nightmare when well meaning family members are trying to soothe baby and try and settle them without giving back to the mother, saying things like oh I think she's wet, or I think it's
Wind...when the mother has already said numerous times it's because she's tired and needs a nap.
Just because someone has raised several kids, doesn't mean they are going to care for the baby like the mother does...every baby is different.
My mother told me to get dd to sleep through to bath her and put straight to bed. I've been doing that every single night since three months and she's still up every hour or two.

But what if your DIL says “Oh no but you did gentle parenting which has since been proven to be damaging” etc - why should she trust you