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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Bride isn’t talking to me - follow on update

417 replies

Aperolsprizter · 07/02/2023 15:17

Hello,
I posted this thread a while ago and got some great objective advice www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4635974-bride-not-talking-to-me-but-wont-tell-me-why-wwyd

upshot was that my friend, a bride to be, just stopped talking to me one day. Was rude at an event we were at. I reached out several times asking if I’d done something wrong and made it clear I was open to talking about it if I had (despite the last time us seeing each other prior everything had been lovely, or so I thought).

anyway, still heard nothing. The bride to bes mum in law has messaged the group whatsapp for bridesmaids asking for the deposit for the hen do. I politely replied to her directly not in the chat saying I hadn’t been in contact with the bride for six months so assumed I wasn’t part of the wedding etc - response was “bride will be in touch soon”.

this was two weeks ago and I’ve heard nothing. Wibu to leave the group chat? I know there’s others without me in anyway, but I don’t want to seem petty and I don’t know if I should grab the bull and message her? I know this seems weak but we’ve been friends for years prior to this, and although I can’t see the relationship repairing now I feel like I want to remain calm and collected in it all.

OP posts:
LAMPS1 · 07/02/2023 18:17

It’s a real tricky situation as I wouldn’t trust this bride not to berate you to her hens for not turning up without prior warning. So I do think you need to set the record straight on the group chat for all to see, incl her MIl.
Just to make it clear to you all that I won’t be joining the hen party due to lack of any response to my communications with ……..for the last 8 months. I accept that I won’t be expected at the celebrations but didn’t want you to wonder why. Wishing you all a great hen weekend and all the best to bride and groom for their big day.

Celinia · 07/02/2023 18:19

Hi OP, I’ve just read some of your previous thread.Your friend has form for this and doesn’t seem to be able to talk to you about why she’s upset. Currently she’s left you in limbo again. I think it’s best to cut your losses now.

Could you message MiL on the group chat so other people in the group can see this (it stops bride from concocting fairytales)? Just explain the bride hasn’t returned x anpmount of calls and texts over 6 months so it seems pointless staying on the group chat. If the bride wants to contact you, she can text you or phone.

If she doesn’t speak to you it will be obvious she doesn’t want you at her wedding. Tbh, in your shoes I’m not sure I’d want any more contact with this friend. Life’s too short for that kind of emotional manipulation and cryptic punishment.

juliettesmother · 07/02/2023 18:22

Life is too short. Send a message wishing her well and then leave group.

HazelBite · 07/02/2023 18:24

I wouldn't do anything the ball is very firmly in the brides court and I'm assuming the MIL will question her, if she is not prompted by her MIL well you know you have been well and truly ghosted I wouldn't leave the chat group either, no-one can then say you haven't left the lines of communication open

Cherrysoup · 07/02/2023 18:25

Just leave the group saying it’s because you haven’t heard from the bride for months.

Rosscameasdoody · 07/02/2023 18:29

NeedToChangeName · 07/02/2023 16:42

OP, please don't follow this advice

Trying to shame the bride, in a WhatsApp group made up of her friends and family, would make you look like an idiot (at best)

Show quote history

Don’t agree. If she doesn’t do something like this she will be leaving the bride to say whatever she wants to the group to explain going NC. She’s not shaming the bride, she’s presenting her point of view. The idiot is the bride, for treating a friend in such a disgusting way. And she should be ashamed.

BlueLabel · 07/02/2023 18:31

Is the MIL still waiting for the deposit. Did you ever speak to your mutual friend/bridesmaid to see if she knew what was going on?

You'll be painted as the bad guy for not paying either way so I'd message the group chat something factual like "Hi MIL, it's been x months now and I've not had any response from Nasty Bride. If I'm no longer in the wedding party, no hard feelings and Nasty Bride can let me know. Otherwise, let me know how much is due now and when it needs paid for".

I'd have no intention of going but I'd want it to be clear that:
A. There's a reason I hadn't paid
B. The Bride was at fault

Rosscameasdoody · 07/02/2023 18:31

Teatime55 · 07/02/2023 16:56

Sounds to me she doesn’t want you to be BM but is a coward, so wants you to drop out rather than her saying.

I can’t believe she has given details to MIL for you to hand over money when she can’t be arsed to speak to you.

Personally I’d just ghost her back.

Yep, it’s the equivalent of constructive dismissal.

LookItsMeAgain · 07/02/2023 18:32

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 07/02/2023 16:20

I think I'd put something on the chat to say 'I've repeatedly tried to make contact with the bride for the last 6 months and been consistently ignored, so think it's fair to assume that I'm no longer included as part of the wedding. Just wanted to let everyone know so there are no hard feelings and hope you all have a lovely time at the wedding' and then leave

This is the response I would put up.

WinterDeWinter · 07/02/2023 18:35

MrsTerryPratchett · 07/02/2023 15:21

anyway, still heard nothing. The bride to bes mum in law has messaged the group whatsapp for bridesmaids asking for the deposit for the hen do. I politely replied to her directly not in the chat saying I hadn’t been in contact with the bride for six months so assumed I wasn’t part of the wedding etc - response was “bride will be in touch soon”.

Hi Babs, It's been two weeks so I'm not holding my breath. I'll leave the chat and Susan can contact me if she feels the need.

This is such a great message which has also made me feel really nostalgic for all the Babs and Shirls I've known and loved. All those lovely kind speak as you find women.

Rosscameasdoody · 07/02/2023 18:36

venusandmars · 07/02/2023 16:56

Do you not just pick up the phone and call her? Ever?

This is what I have trouble with and suggested that if they live close enough the OP go round and ask what the problem is. It’s difficult to back away without explanation when you’re confronted in person, so the OP would likely find out what the problem is and have a chance to respond. There’s no shame in being the bigger person here and even if they couldn’t resolve things, at least she would have closure.

SerafinasGoose · 07/02/2023 18:38

I'm not comprehending the message suggestions. Why contact her? You owe her no explanation whatsoever, unless you've already accepted an invitation to the wedding in which case the right thing to do would probably be to tell her you'll no longer be attending.

Retreating into silence is by far the best option. She didn't baulk at it, after all.

LookItsMeAgain · 07/02/2023 18:40

@Aperolsprizter - please stop trying to retain this "friendship" and accepting scraps of communication from the brides mother.
The bride has had months to get in touch with you and for whatever reason, known only to her, has decided not to be in touch with you.

Post a message on the group chat (some suggestions made by others are polite and non-confrontational), leave the group and put a line under this "friendship".

She doesn't seem to want to remain friends with you, why are you so desperate to be friends with her? Time passes, friendships end. Move on.

Rosscameasdoody · 07/02/2023 18:40

SerafinasGoose · 07/02/2023 18:38

I'm not comprehending the message suggestions. Why contact her? You owe her no explanation whatsoever, unless you've already accepted an invitation to the wedding in which case the right thing to do would probably be to tell her you'll no longer be attending.

Retreating into silence is by far the best option. She didn't baulk at it, after all.

So the OP should lower herself to the same level and carry on wondering what went wrong ? She clearly cares about the friendship or she wouldn’t have posted for advice. NC is the easiest option. Confrontation is harder but at least you can walk away with your head held high even if you can’t resolve things.

Inkpotlover · 07/02/2023 18:41

You are NOT a doormat. You've reached out and messaged her multiple times asking her what's going on. Yes, she's got form for doing this to you before, but you weren't passive about it then either. I honestly think, given her past behaviour, she'll suddenly have an attack of guilt right before the wedding and get in touch. I do hope if she does you tell her to eff off.

Likewise if she asks you to pay for your bridesmaid's dress for pulling out.

SerafinasGoose · 07/02/2023 18:41

Rosscameasdoody · 07/02/2023 18:40

So the OP should lower herself to the same level and carry on wondering what went wrong ? She clearly cares about the friendship or she wouldn’t have posted for advice. NC is the easiest option. Confrontation is harder but at least you can walk away with your head held high even if you can’t resolve things.

Show quote history

NC is the easiest option.

Precisely. Some things repay effort. Others don't.

This doesn't.

BlueLabel · 07/02/2023 18:47

The OP has previously been told her attempts to reach out were "pressuring" by the bride so it would be massively obtuse to then escalate that to calls or doorstep visits. The bride essentially created a can't win situation where OP can't reach out but can't walk away without looking like the villain.

Original poster
Aperolsprizter · 07/02/2023 18:51

Hey all thanks again for the advice.
re going round or phoning - originally I messaged several times to no avail, and saw her in person where she was off with me - she’s not going to be OK with me turning up at her door and it gives her more ammunition to whatever I’ve done IMO. She knows where I am, I said I was open to talking about whatever she was upset about but I’m not going on my knees begging for an explanation.

to me she’s not my friend any more - but yes, dresses have been bought etc. I won’t be paying but what I want to avoid is a dynamic where it appears I’ve dropped out rather than her push me and be the bad guy. Seems like the other bridesmaids / party don’t know what’s gone off.

i also feel like she may have wanted to reduce the wedding party and this is where it’s come from. I’d have been hurt for a few days but would still have gone to the wedding / been excited if she explained that. It genuinely came from nowhere but I’m also conscious we don’t know the ins and outs of each other’s lives and I don’t want to be stand offish or passive aggressive until I know the situation - especially to the other bridal party who have sorted hen etc and need money. It’s not for me to pay now of course but means they will all be paying more / need a replacement.

OP posts:
EmmaEmerald · 07/02/2023 18:55

OP "I won’t be paying but what I want to avoid is a dynamic where it appears I’ve dropped out rather than her push me and be the bad guy."

does anyone else in the group know you and do they know what's happened?

slamfightbrightlight · 07/02/2023 19:01

Why don’t you message her to say MIL has been in touch re: money but you’re assuming since you’ve not heard from her in so long that she no longer wants you in the wedding party, but you’d appreciate confirmation so it’s clear where you stand and you can leave the groups etc?

Rosscameasdoody · 07/02/2023 19:02

Aperolsprizter · 07/02/2023 18:51

Hey all thanks again for the advice.
re going round or phoning - originally I messaged several times to no avail, and saw her in person where she was off with me - she’s not going to be OK with me turning up at her door and it gives her more ammunition to whatever I’ve done IMO. She knows where I am, I said I was open to talking about whatever she was upset about but I’m not going on my knees begging for an explanation.

to me she’s not my friend any more - but yes, dresses have been bought etc. I won’t be paying but what I want to avoid is a dynamic where it appears I’ve dropped out rather than her push me and be the bad guy. Seems like the other bridesmaids / party don’t know what’s gone off.

i also feel like she may have wanted to reduce the wedding party and this is where it’s come from. I’d have been hurt for a few days but would still have gone to the wedding / been excited if she explained that. It genuinely came from nowhere but I’m also conscious we don’t know the ins and outs of each other’s lives and I don’t want to be stand offish or passive aggressive until I know the situation - especially to the other bridal party who have sorted hen etc and need money. It’s not for me to pay now of course but means they will all be paying more / need a replacement.

Then you really have done all you can. It’s an awful way to be treated OP and I feel for you. I was the one who suggested a visit - more from the point of view of you having closure and at least knowing why you were blanked and having the opportunity to respond, but from what you say it doesn’t sound as though it can be sorted. If it was a question of reducing the wedding party she should have had the guts to tell you - you sound very understanding and approachable so if this is the root cause, she’s lost a good friend as a result. Her loss, not yours. Remember that.

CaffeineMama · 07/02/2023 19:04

I would do nothing. Don't message MIL again either - if she contacts you then let her know bride hasn't been in touch after all so you won't be attending.

Do not contact the bride again, she's obviously not a friend and I don't see why should waste any more energy on her. You've done more than enough and been more than reasonable. I'm sorry this has happened as it must be very hurtful, but I think it's time for you to just let her go and move on with your life.

Inkpotlover · 07/02/2023 19:04

Aperolsprizter · 07/02/2023 18:51

Hey all thanks again for the advice.
re going round or phoning - originally I messaged several times to no avail, and saw her in person where she was off with me - she’s not going to be OK with me turning up at her door and it gives her more ammunition to whatever I’ve done IMO. She knows where I am, I said I was open to talking about whatever she was upset about but I’m not going on my knees begging for an explanation.

to me she’s not my friend any more - but yes, dresses have been bought etc. I won’t be paying but what I want to avoid is a dynamic where it appears I’ve dropped out rather than her push me and be the bad guy. Seems like the other bridesmaids / party don’t know what’s gone off.

i also feel like she may have wanted to reduce the wedding party and this is where it’s come from. I’d have been hurt for a few days but would still have gone to the wedding / been excited if she explained that. It genuinely came from nowhere but I’m also conscious we don’t know the ins and outs of each other’s lives and I don’t want to be stand offish or passive aggressive until I know the situation - especially to the other bridal party who have sorted hen etc and need money. It’s not for me to pay now of course but means they will all be paying more / need a replacement.

Question for you, OP – does it really matter now if anyone thinks you're the bad guy in all this and have pulled out? I mean, are you going to see any of the bridal party ever again? It doesn't sound like you typically mix in their circles and your friendship with the bride is separate from them, so there's never going to be an occasion where you'd have to address it. I honestly wouldn't worry. Leave the group, email the MIL that you're taking the bride's continuing silence that she no longer wants you in the bridal party or at the wedding itself, and get on with your life.

Theunamedcat · 07/02/2023 19:05

If this is how she treats you why do you care if people think you have ditched her? She is openly treating you like shit and your concerned about YOU looking bad?

Partyandbullshit · 07/02/2023 19:09

I suspect you ARE going to be pushed into a corner. It's easier/easiest for the bride, who has paid for the dress, to say nothing until the week or so before the wedding and just download a full agenda of bridesmaid duties on you on a hyper busy WhatsApp group, as though nothing has happened. If you express surprise and say you assumed the whole thing was off given you haven't heard from her in months, she'll exclaim (because it's far easier for her to do this than have an awkward conversation) "what are you talking about?? Of COURSE you're coming, I NNEEEEED you, I've bought the dress etc". If you say anything about not having heard from her, she will just say she's been a busy bride-to-be.

She's basically got you in a corner. You will have to be proactive if you don't want to be at the wedding because, as matters currently stand, you're expected to be bridesmaid (to a woman who has appalling manners, to put it mildly!). And, be fully prepared to never hear from her again if you do attend as the bridesmaid. She's paid for the dress goddam it!