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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Bride isn’t talking to me - follow on update

417 replies

Aperolsprizter · 07/02/2023 15:17

Hello,
I posted this thread a while ago and got some great objective advice www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4635974-bride-not-talking-to-me-but-wont-tell-me-why-wwyd

upshot was that my friend, a bride to be, just stopped talking to me one day. Was rude at an event we were at. I reached out several times asking if I’d done something wrong and made it clear I was open to talking about it if I had (despite the last time us seeing each other prior everything had been lovely, or so I thought).

anyway, still heard nothing. The bride to bes mum in law has messaged the group whatsapp for bridesmaids asking for the deposit for the hen do. I politely replied to her directly not in the chat saying I hadn’t been in contact with the bride for six months so assumed I wasn’t part of the wedding etc - response was “bride will be in touch soon”.

this was two weeks ago and I’ve heard nothing. Wibu to leave the group chat? I know there’s others without me in anyway, but I don’t want to seem petty and I don’t know if I should grab the bull and message her? I know this seems weak but we’ve been friends for years prior to this, and although I can’t see the relationship repairing now I feel like I want to remain calm and collected in it all.

OP posts:
inigomontoyahwillcox · 07/02/2023 16:26

I would absolutely post something to the group chat, in a non-dramatic/non-confrontational tone, then block and leave for good. What an absolute waste of headspace she is - and melodramatic to boot.

Tellmeimcrazy · 07/02/2023 16:39

Inkpotlover · 07/02/2023 16:24

In that case, to avoid any misinterpretation, message the MIL seeing as she is the one last to instigate contact with you and say something along the lines of 'I haven't heard from the bride so I'm taking the continued silence as confirmation I am no longer part of the wedding or invited to it. I wish her and (groom's name) all the best.' I'd also let your friend who is another bridesmaid know as well.

Show quote history

I honestly think messaging the MIL is involving her in something that is nothing to do with. Bride can then turn around and say OP is a trouble maker.

NeedToChangeName · 07/02/2023 16:40

Fuckstix · 07/02/2023 15:33

You've tried hard enough. I'd leave it here and assume that due to whatever issue or misunderstanding has happened, the bride is probably not expecting you there.

One polite message to her DM- 'I've not heard anything for 6 months now, despite trying to contact Jane and see if everything is ok. I take this to mean I'm no longer invited, so will duck out of the group now but hope the wedding goes well. Jane is, of course, welcome to get in touch with me any time'.

I like this message from @Fuckstix

Polite, friendly, a little bit distant, not needy

NeedToChangeName · 07/02/2023 16:42

MayThe4th · 07/02/2023 16:22

I wouldn’t be posting discrete messages to anyone. Too much opportunity for you to be made to be the bad guy.

I would post one final message on the group chat, “since the bride stopped talking to me months ago it’s clear I’m not actually invited any more so I am leaving this group now and won’t be contributing to the hen or anything else. Enjoy the wedding all.”

Then leave the whatsapp group.

If you don’t say anything to everyone you will be painted as the villain.

OP, please don't follow this advice

Trying to shame the bride, in a WhatsApp group made up of her friends and family, would make you look like an idiot (at best)

flabbygoldfish · 07/02/2023 16:42

You are not the petty one here. Leave the chat, block (or mute the number & archive the relevant numbers) and move on with your life.

Bride has made their feelings clear in a rather pathetic way & life is too short for this carry on.

Offensiveapprently · 07/02/2023 16:42

I don't have friends who are petty, hard work and emotionally toddler like. Ditch and move on.

Teatime55 · 07/02/2023 16:56

Sounds to me she doesn’t want you to be BM but is a coward, so wants you to drop out rather than her saying.

I can’t believe she has given details to MIL for you to hand over money when she can’t be arsed to speak to you.

Personally I’d just ghost her back.

venusandmars · 07/02/2023 16:56

Do you not just pick up the phone and call her? Ever?

sonjadog · 07/02/2023 16:58

I think I would leave the chat but not block her. She can get in touch at some point if she likes and you can decide what to do about it at that time.

Panama2 · 07/02/2023 16:59

Do you know the groom or other close family members perhaps one last ditch attempt to find out what is going on?

Eleganz · 07/02/2023 17:04

You don't need to say or do anything - the ball is in her court. Just go about your life without thinking about her, her hen do or her wedding.

Everyonehasavoice · 07/02/2023 17:05

flabbygoldfish · 07/02/2023 16:42

You are not the petty one here. Leave the chat, block (or mute the number & archive the relevant numbers) and move on with your life.

Bride has made their feelings clear in a rather pathetic way & life is too short for this carry on.

I agree
Luckily she’s not part of a larger group of your friends
So it won’t backfire
She’s being a bit too precious, and quite frankly rude.

EasterIssland · 07/02/2023 17:05

Are you friends with anyone else in that group?

NumberTheory · 07/02/2023 17:05

You may be over the hurt of her rejection but I don’t think you’re over the trauma (in the loosest sense) of it. You’re still thinking about her reaction. You’re still blaming yourself. Walking on eggshells. Thinking about how she might react to you doing something totally reasonable like dropping out of a group chat for a wedding where the bride hasn’t replied to your messages for 6 months.

It doesn’t matter what you do. If the bride wants to create drama, she will regardless of how scrupulous you are in your actions. If she doesn’t want to create drama you dropping out of a group chat isn’t going to tip her over the edge.

You’ve done enough chasing. If you want to drop out of the chat you can (in which case the nice message to the MiL suggested further up wouldn’t be a bad option). If you want to see what unfolds on there, you can. If you want to block and move on, you can.

The bride’s reaction isn’t something you can control and for your own sake you need to stop trying to factor it in.

Original poster
Aperolsprizter · 07/02/2023 17:06

Hey,
just to clarify I messaged the mil straight back but privately saying that then ride hasn’t spoken to me for months, it ended abruptly and I’m non the wiser to why so I presumed I wasn’t part of the wedding party, but wish bride and groom the best.

i expected a response indicating she might have expected it or knew what was going on, but she seemed surprised and said sure the bride will clarify and will be in touch. It seemed genuine - genuinely think she had no idea.

what I want to avoid is me having to do the legwork of dropping out. If she’s behaved like this she needs to have the backbone to tell me why and the book needs to stop with her as to why I’m not at her wedding - it’s on her not me. I don’t want to ‘drop out’ and have the responsibility of paying for the dress etc (already bought shoes etc).

don’t want to involve others and ask what’s going on and whilst i know the groom it’s only briefly through her

thanks as always all

OP posts:
Dogcafedreamer · 07/02/2023 17:06

Leave the group and never look back, ever!

Ihatepcos · 07/02/2023 17:08

Whatever you do, don't send money for a hen do when you're already out of pocket

BigglyBee · 07/02/2023 17:09

I don't think it matters who says what about the OP. It's not like there is anything to salvage here. She has been treated terribly, and I really don't think there is any coming back from this. Any attempt at communication is likely to be ignored anyway, so I think it's better to just let it go and walk away.

I wouldn't care what was being said about me by a group of people who probably all know exactly what the bride is doing and are probably bitching in other groups about the whole situation. It's a cowardly way to treat anyone.

Mariposista · 07/02/2023 17:10

NeedToChangeName · 07/02/2023 16:42

OP, please don't follow this advice

Trying to shame the bride, in a WhatsApp group made up of her friends and family, would make you look like an idiot (at best)

Show quote history

Why shouldn't she be shamed? She is acting like a spoilt little shit?

NumberTheory · 07/02/2023 17:12

what I want to avoid is me having to do the legwork of dropping out. If she’s behaved like this she needs to have the backbone to tell me why and the book needs to stop with her as to why I’m not at her wedding - it’s on her not me. I don’t want to ‘drop out’ and have the responsibility of paying for the dress etc (already bought shoes etc).

You don’t have to do anything. You don’t have to officially drop out. Just stop chasing. If someone requests money from you for something respond as you did to MiL with “The Bride hasn’t been in touch for 6 months. Until she tells me otherwise, I assume I’m no longer in the wedding party.” And leave it at that. If someone asks you for money for something tell them they’ll eeed to talk to the bride about it.

Are you contractually on the hook for any costs?

flabbygoldfish · 07/02/2023 17:12

Don’t drop out - just walk away and spend no more time or money on this wedding. It is not your problem anymore.

Whitney168 · 07/02/2023 17:13

I don’t want to ‘drop out’ and have the responsibility of paying for the dress etc (already bought shoes etc).

Lordy, if she came looking for money for anything I would be laughing and telling her to jog on.

Floomobal · 07/02/2023 17:14

what I want to avoid is me having to do the legwork of dropping out. If she’s behaved like this she needs to have the backbone to tell me why and the book needs to stop with her as to why I’m not at her wedding - it’s on her not me. I don’t want to ‘drop out’ and have the responsibility of paying for the dress etc (already bought shoes etc).

There’s no legwork of dropping out. Just stop texting and don’t keep planning/paying/attending/texting anything.

You won’t ever get a straight answer from her, because she’s a bitch.

The fact that you think you have a responsibility for paying for your dress etc means you
really are unable to advocate for yourself and see what is and isn’t reasonable behaviour.

Your boundaries are shocking. Most people wouldn’t have texted and tried to hold on to the “friendship” for as long as you have.

Seriously, move on. Stop being so passive in all of this. Decide that enough is enough, and leave them to it. If she’s out of pocket for your dress etc, fuck it. Who cares?

BigglyBee · 07/02/2023 17:15

Aperolsprizter · 07/02/2023 17:06

Hey,
just to clarify I messaged the mil straight back but privately saying that then ride hasn’t spoken to me for months, it ended abruptly and I’m non the wiser to why so I presumed I wasn’t part of the wedding party, but wish bride and groom the best.

i expected a response indicating she might have expected it or knew what was going on, but she seemed surprised and said sure the bride will clarify and will be in touch. It seemed genuine - genuinely think she had no idea.

what I want to avoid is me having to do the legwork of dropping out. If she’s behaved like this she needs to have the backbone to tell me why and the book needs to stop with her as to why I’m not at her wedding - it’s on her not me. I don’t want to ‘drop out’ and have the responsibility of paying for the dress etc (already bought shoes etc).

don’t want to involve others and ask what’s going on and whilst i know the groom it’s only briefly through her

thanks as always all

Are you supposed to be paying for your own dress? If it's being made by a dressmaker then can you contact them, and cancel it? If it's from a shop, is the order in the bride's name, or yours?

I see that there are practicalities to be taken care of, but since there is clearly going to be no happy ending here, it might be best to just crack on and do what you can. If the bride needs to be told in order to cancel things, then perhaps a letter to let her know that she needs to cancel anything she has ordered for you to wear?

Ponderingwindow · 07/02/2023 17:16

Just walk away.

Blocking the bride would be childish as she isn’t harassing you in any way.