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AIBU?

Bride not talking to me but won’t tell me why - WWYD

323 replies

Aperolsprizter · 17/09/2022 19:43

Genuinely looking for advice here and whether AIBU.

me and friend A have been friends for years - since we were in secondary school. Had years of being very close, the odd argument but came back together when she was going through hard times. Lives very different - she lives with LTP in the countryside, me alone in city etc. I have an intense job where as she has a part time one to focus on hobbies etc.

im meant to be her bridesmaid next year, was asked pre pandemic .

everything was fine until about two months ago. Saw her for a meal, all was fine, no problems. We keep in touch via text so few days later messaged her, it was read and ignored. We had plans for birthday drinks but she never responded. Over the course of two months I text about six times, ranging from as if everything was normal to asking if I’d done something and if we could talk about it, to finally checking if she was ok.

she eventually replied this week saying I’d not done anything wrong but she felt I was “pressuring” her and she didn’t like it. I apologised and said not really sure what’s gone on? I saw her in person today at a birthday meal in a formal setting and she was very strange, positioning her body so I was cut out of conversations etc. a further drink in our local hometown was also arranged but I wasn’t told and was told there wasn’t enough room in the car to go.

my question is - there’s clearly something wrong but I genuinely have no idea what I’ve done. We don’t have many mutual friends so I don’t think she’s heard something through someone that’s annoyed her, for example. I tried to make plans again today but she said she isn’t free until January - FWIW she’s been seeing other friends (which is fine but indicates it’s not just that she’s not feeling social).

she won’t tell me what’s wrong, but there clearly is something. I’m upset and feel like I should drop out of her wedding. Would you message again and ask what’s wrong, or give space? It sounds pathetic but I’m quite upset by a lost friend :(

OP posts:

Am I being unreasonable?

1484 votes. Final results.

POLL
You are being unreasonable
4%
You are NOT being unreasonable
96%
girlmom21 · 17/09/2022 19:45

I'd back out of being a bridesmaid.

If you've upset her that's fine but if she can't communicate like an adult it won't get resolved.

wouldukissafrog · 17/09/2022 19:46

I'd definitely drop out of the wedding! You have asked her what's wrong and she hasn't told you so I'm not sure you will ever get the answer you are looking for

Sorry your feeling sad loosing a friend is really tough

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 17/09/2022 19:48

Do you want to continue the friendship?

When she said you were pressuring her, how did you respond (apart from apologising) eg did you find out what you were pressuring her about or how she wanted you to change or just say ok sorry.

If so I'd tell her your friendship means a lot, you feel really awful for upsetting her especially so when you don't fully understand why, and you really want to know how she is feeling so you can move in, whether that's drawing a line under the friendship or trying to move past it while you stop doing whatever it was that upset her - whatever she wants.

If she isnt more forthcoming I think you just need to accept the friendship is over

Suzi888 · 17/09/2022 19:50

Do you truly have no idea why she is acting like a child?

I’d not go to the wedding and quite frankly block and move on. She sounds like a drama seeking ten year told. I wouldn’t even message her because I think she will say it’s all in your head and then tell everyone you are trying to ruin her special day.

olympicsrock · 17/09/2022 19:51

Not pathetic at all to be upset by this. I was ghosted by a very good friend with no explanation and it hurt like hell as well as being hard to accept with no explanation.

There is clearly a problem. You cannot possibly go ahead being her bridesmaid as things stand.

I would send her a message saying that it was very clear from her recent behaviour that she has an issue with you . If she values your friendship she needs to meet you face to face to discuss. If not then it is clear that you will accept her choice that your friendship will be less close moving forward .
I would not mention the wedding/ bridesmaid.

Sorry that you are going through this.

withgraceinmyheart · 17/09/2022 19:51

Was it her birthday meal? Was it arranged before you fell out? Just wondering how that it was arranged if she wasn’t speaking to you. If she asked you to come with the intention of treating you like that it’s pretty shitty.

I don’t think you can be a bridesmaid. You can’t spend her wedding with her acting like that. If you do pull out that will almost certainly end the friendship though so be prepared for that.

Yubgftr · 17/09/2022 19:52

I'd drop her and move on. If she can't be mature enough to communicate after you've tried to understand what's wrong, why waste more energy on this situation? Find nicer friends who know how to treat people

loobylou10 · 17/09/2022 19:53

She has no right to treat you like this and not tell you what you have done to upset her. Get angry now and take control - message her and pull out of the wedding, tell her if she can't communicate like an adult then you're done.
I'm sorry she's treating you so badly - it's her not you.

MzHz · 17/09/2022 19:55

Honestly, drop the rope. Don’t text any more, don’t check in or chase

she hasn’t got the manners to tell you whatever is going on and she’s treated you appallingly

you don’t need to message her to withdraw from the wedding. That will give her something to point the finger at you over or accuse you of pressure or drama. Just drop her stone cold. As she has you.

UnagiForLife · 17/09/2022 19:55

I’d just leave her to it, she might not want you to be bridesmaid, she might. Who cares. She sounds hard work so let her come to you if she wants to and if not just enjoy not having the drama. The ball with regards to the wedding is firmly in her court.

Butchyrestingface · 17/09/2022 19:56

I'd drop out. Position is untenable.

And stop contacting her.

Chattycathydoll · 17/09/2022 19:58

Not pathetic at all. I was ghosted by my best friend 3 years ago- still have no idea why, and honestly I’m still upset/hurt by it. I get on fine in daily life but every few months have dreams about our reconciliation and wake up heartbroken as it’s not real. She’s blocked me- there’s no resolution.

All I can say is it’s not you, because you’re not alone, and a mature response to anything you might possibly have done is to talk about it. Nothing warrants this response and it’s likely nothing you did in the first place. My friend’s last text to me was ‘love you!’

Sometimes people just so weird things. It hurts, but it happens. Try to treat yourself gently, as you would if you were grieving, because you are- it’s still a loss, even though she is alive.

FlorencePennnywell · 17/09/2022 19:59

I'd get angry tbh. One final message saying how upset and pissed off you are - if you're genuinely perplexed by this and you've spent time trying to find out if she's ok / what's upset her and she hasn't got the decency to actually tell you ... what are you supposed to do?

Tell her you're dropping out of the wedding (before she does this for you) and that you've had enough running round her

BatteryPoweredMammy · 17/09/2022 19:59

She's behaving like a spoilt toddler by her sulking and not communicating with you properly.

I'd tell her that as she seems unable to hold a sensible adult conversation with me, I'm unable to offer her my continuing friendship going forwards.

Fuck her!

FTM2B1 · 17/09/2022 19:59

If it were me, I wouldn't contact her again and I wouldn't be attending her wedding unless she got in touch to resolve whatever the issue before then, and I was happy with the explanation.

Smilingwithfangs · 17/09/2022 20:00

She’s behaving very badly

my guess would be that for some reason she changed her mind about you being her BM and rather than have the guts to tell you that she is instead being a shit and hoping you pull out.

I would just go silent now and leave it with her. That way she has to face her decision about your role in the wedding and can’t engineer you to be the baddy

Idontknowwhatto · 17/09/2022 20:01

The friendship is over so you cannot be the bridesmaid. I'm sorry. Her behaviour is very cowardly and you deserve much better. Tell her that you are pulling out and why, wish her the best for the wedding and don't contact her again.
All the best op. This is very hurtful.

Smartiepants79 · 17/09/2022 20:01

Any mutual friends you can ask if they have any idea what’s going on
What you’ve described is very odd behaviour.
Either you’ve done something you’ve not acknowledged/realised or she’s not the friend you thought.
Whichever is true she should explain it to you!

Aperolsprizter · 17/09/2022 20:01

Hi,
thanks for your replies. Genuinely no idea where this stems from - imagine all fine one day and then stone cold the next.

she was referring to me texting her asking if she was OK as pressuring her - but again it was probably a five texts over two months and the first were me just being normal and cordial before asking what was wrong.

i have wondered for a while if she wanted me to not be in the wedding - last year a fairly similar thing happened with her (sorry to drip feed this but I don’t think it’s directly relevant) where we didn’t speak for three months and then she came and apologised and said she’d been having a hard time and that’s why she’d pulled away.

i think my worry is that if I say I’m dropping out, that’s her reason to stop talking to me further. But also it feels wrong to be in someone’s wedding party when the mood can suddenly change day to day.

im definitely not perfect but I always try hard to be a good friend and I’m always there to listen if I’ve done something to upset someone, intentional or not so this is really getting to me

OP posts:
1000yellowdaisies · 17/09/2022 20:01

You've asked her what's wrong and she's given a vague answer. I would stop bothering - don't ask her again, don't message her, leave the ball firmly in her court.
She sounds like far too much hard work and if she has a problem she needs to discuss it with you, but she hasn't she's left you racking your brain and doubting yourself. That not what a proper friend does.
I would back right off and leave her too it. If you don't end up being a bridesmaid so be it

ThisUserNameIsAvailableOk · 17/09/2022 20:02

What did you talk about at the meal two months ago? Were you suggesting she change her ways/life/job at all?

Do you sell wax melts?

itsgettingweird · 17/09/2022 20:04

I'm also for dropping out.

However part of me (the suspicious part!) wonders if that's her plan.

Maybe she has other plans for bridesmaids, double or over booked and can't afford them and is getting you to do her dirty work.

I'd just stop contacting her or attempting to talk to her socially.

Don't pull out but realise you're very obviously not going to be given that role. Pretend the wedding isn't happening and make new friends and a nicer social group.

And if she does for a reason unknown suddenly text or ring about your position of bridesmaid - tell her you aren't doing it after the way she's treated you!

JuneOsborne · 17/09/2022 20:04

Fuck her off. I wouldn't be treated like that.

Ignore and try to forget. You can't keep on being a punch bag, it's so damaging.

girlmom21 · 17/09/2022 20:05

ThisUserNameIsAvailableOk · 17/09/2022 20:02

What did you talk about at the meal two months ago? Were you suggesting she change her ways/life/job at all?

Do you sell wax melts?

Do you sell wax melts? 😂😂😂

britneyisfree · 17/09/2022 20:05

Just leave the next contact to her. Don't drop out if that worries you, leave it to her to drop you if that's her plan. She sounds like hard work

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