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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Bride isn’t talking to me - follow on update

417 replies

Aperolsprizter · 07/02/2023 15:17

Hello,
I posted this thread a while ago and got some great objective advice www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4635974-bride-not-talking-to-me-but-wont-tell-me-why-wwyd

upshot was that my friend, a bride to be, just stopped talking to me one day. Was rude at an event we were at. I reached out several times asking if I’d done something wrong and made it clear I was open to talking about it if I had (despite the last time us seeing each other prior everything had been lovely, or so I thought).

anyway, still heard nothing. The bride to bes mum in law has messaged the group whatsapp for bridesmaids asking for the deposit for the hen do. I politely replied to her directly not in the chat saying I hadn’t been in contact with the bride for six months so assumed I wasn’t part of the wedding etc - response was “bride will be in touch soon”.

this was two weeks ago and I’ve heard nothing. Wibu to leave the group chat? I know there’s others without me in anyway, but I don’t want to seem petty and I don’t know if I should grab the bull and message her? I know this seems weak but we’ve been friends for years prior to this, and although I can’t see the relationship repairing now I feel like I want to remain calm and collected in it all.

OP posts:
TiggyLightfoot · 07/02/2023 19:14

I don’t think you can win here OP.
She’s not a friend. You’re not going to her wedding. You’ve done all that could have been expected from your side.
Hold your head up high, you’ve behaved like a decent human. Walk away with your dignity, knowing that you’re the better person. Don’t worry about how she is going to play this. If you’re not engaging, there’s not a lot she can do. And her mum knows the situation.
We can’t be liked by everyone in life. It’s a fact. We can’t control what other people think of us.
You sound like a lovely friend. Now walk away and stop allowing her to hurt you.

Inkpotlover · 07/02/2023 19:15

Partyandbullshit · 07/02/2023 19:09

I suspect you ARE going to be pushed into a corner. It's easier/easiest for the bride, who has paid for the dress, to say nothing until the week or so before the wedding and just download a full agenda of bridesmaid duties on you on a hyper busy WhatsApp group, as though nothing has happened. If you express surprise and say you assumed the whole thing was off given you haven't heard from her in months, she'll exclaim (because it's far easier for her to do this than have an awkward conversation) "what are you talking about?? Of COURSE you're coming, I NNEEEEED you, I've bought the dress etc". If you say anything about not having heard from her, she will just say she's been a busy bride-to-be.

She's basically got you in a corner. You will have to be proactive if you don't want to be at the wedding because, as matters currently stand, you're expected to be bridesmaid (to a woman who has appalling manners, to put it mildly!). And, be fully prepared to never hear from her again if you do attend as the bridesmaid. She's paid for the dress goddam it!

I have a horrible feeling this will happen to.

Original poster
Aperolsprizter · 07/02/2023 19:15

Hiya,
all of this is completely right of course - I shouldn’t care about looking like the bitch etc, but I do. I don’t mix regularly with the other bridesmaids but would see them around and to be honest it doesn’t feel fair that it’s a marr on my name.

i think being backed into a corner is exactly what has happened and yes I agree I need to just keep quiet now. I imagine she will come back either before or after the wedding.

tysm all!

OP posts:
Springbreakwoohoo · 07/02/2023 19:17

Sorry if this has been mentioned already - can you not post the dress back to her with a note saying ‘Hello, hope all well, haven’t heard from you so am returning the dress in case you need it for another sucker. All the best

Honeyroar · 07/02/2023 19:20

I’d put a message on the group WhatsApp saying you have been trying to contact the bride for several months abs that all your attempts have been ignored. I’d say that you are hurt, bewildered and upset, but have decided enough is enough. Consequently you are leaving the wedding party, which you can only presume is what the bride wants, and obviously won’t be going to any hen parties. Then wish them all the best and leave the group (with your head held high).

Honeyroar · 07/02/2023 19:20

And yes, post the dress etc back if you have it.

Mix56 · 07/02/2023 19:21

Perfect

zurala · 07/02/2023 19:23

Honeyroar · 07/02/2023 19:20

I’d put a message on the group WhatsApp saying you have been trying to contact the bride for several months abs that all your attempts have been ignored. I’d say that you are hurt, bewildered and upset, but have decided enough is enough. Consequently you are leaving the wedding party, which you can only presume is what the bride wants, and obviously won’t be going to any hen parties. Then wish them all the best and leave the group (with your head held high).

I remember your previous thread. I'd do this. You have to let everyone know who is the bitch in this.

jtaeapa · 07/02/2023 19:26

I wouldn't leave yourself hanging like this. I'd post the dress/whatever you have with a note saying:

Dear X, I've no idea why you stopped talking to me and I have tried to find out what the matter was with no luck. Since I've not heard from you in six months, I'm returning this dress and I won't be at your wedding because I have got the message that I am unwelcome, although I have no idea what changed to make this the case. Best wishes on your marriage, OP

It's not nasty, but it closes the door. Whatever you are supposed to have done, she won't tell you so don't lower yourself to being friends with someone like this.

Take a picture of your note before sending it if you are concerned she may shit talk you.

skippymcflippy · 07/02/2023 19:26

Honeyroar · 07/02/2023 19:20

I’d put a message on the group WhatsApp saying you have been trying to contact the bride for several months abs that all your attempts have been ignored. I’d say that you are hurt, bewildered and upset, but have decided enough is enough. Consequently you are leaving the wedding party, which you can only presume is what the bride wants, and obviously won’t be going to any hen parties. Then wish them all the best and leave the group (with your head held high).

I would definitely do this.
This is really well-phrased.
Someone has to put an end to this.
I posted on your other thread and can't believe this is still going on. She has obviously decided, for whatever reason, that she no longer wants you as a bridesmaid and instead of just saying this, with an explanation (or excuse, whatever), she ghosts you until you are supposed to get the hint. It is ridiculously childish.
If she and the others want to think you are a bitch, that's their problem.

Pseudonamed · 07/02/2023 19:27

She is not acknowledging you so you do not have to acknowledge the wedding. I would simply say on the group chat that you wish the bride and groom all the best for the future but as the bride to be has not acknowledged you or messages you have sent over the previous months you assume you are no longer to be part of the wedding party and will be leaving the chat. Cover your own back and dont let her make others feel you have bailed on her.

Roundabout78 · 07/02/2023 19:33

skippymcflippy · 07/02/2023 19:26

I would definitely do this.
This is really well-phrased.
Someone has to put an end to this.
I posted on your other thread and can't believe this is still going on. She has obviously decided, for whatever reason, that she no longer wants you as a bridesmaid and instead of just saying this, with an explanation (or excuse, whatever), she ghosts you until you are supposed to get the hint. It is ridiculously childish.
If she and the others want to think you are a bitch, that's their problem.

Show quote history

Third (fourth?) this advice. She’s trying to back you into a corner; throw it right back at her. You don’t deserve people speculating about why you’re not in the wedding-show everybody exactly why.

MoveOnTheCards · 07/02/2023 19:37

Honeyroar · 07/02/2023 19:20

I’d put a message on the group WhatsApp saying you have been trying to contact the bride for several months abs that all your attempts have been ignored. I’d say that you are hurt, bewildered and upset, but have decided enough is enough. Consequently you are leaving the wedding party, which you can only presume is what the bride wants, and obviously won’t be going to any hen parties. Then wish them all the best and leave the group (with your head held high).

Another vote for this. I also remember your last thread and think it’s certainly at the point where you need to put an end to it. This gives you the opportunity to do so with some clarity and. dignity. Then you can move on and put it all behind you. Good luck OP. The bride has no grace.

ClearMoth · 07/02/2023 19:39

Roundabout78 · 07/02/2023 19:33

Third (fourth?) this advice. She’s trying to back you into a corner; throw it right back at her. You don’t deserve people speculating about why you’re not in the wedding-show everybody exactly why.

Show quote history

I fifth this advice!

Missingpop · 07/02/2023 19:39

She’s give. You the cold shoulder for 6 months & your worried about being petty; send her a message telling her to fuck off & stuff her wedding up her arse she’s no friend stop being a bloody doormat grow a spine & tell her to do one get out there & make new friends your worth more than this prissy little witch

Cheesecakeandwineinasuitcase · 07/02/2023 19:52

zurala · 07/02/2023 19:23

I remember your previous thread. I'd do this. You have to let everyone know who is the bitch in this.

Show quote history

I would do this as well. She’s behaved incredibly childishly. Let everyone know what she has done. Then leave the WhatsApp group. Friends like her aren’t real friends. They are a burden.

PinkPanther50 · 07/02/2023 19:54

Honeyroar · 07/02/2023 19:20

I’d put a message on the group WhatsApp saying you have been trying to contact the bride for several months abs that all your attempts have been ignored. I’d say that you are hurt, bewildered and upset, but have decided enough is enough. Consequently you are leaving the wedding party, which you can only presume is what the bride wants, and obviously won’t be going to any hen parties. Then wish them all the best and leave the group (with your head held high).

Definitely do this

Cheesecakeandwineinasuitcase · 07/02/2023 19:55

Aperolsprizter · 07/02/2023 19:15

Hiya,
all of this is completely right of course - I shouldn’t care about looking like the bitch etc, but I do. I don’t mix regularly with the other bridesmaids but would see them around and to be honest it doesn’t feel fair that it’s a marr on my name.

i think being backed into a corner is exactly what has happened and yes I agree I need to just keep quiet now. I imagine she will come back either before or after the wedding.

tysm all!

The thing is, if you don’t say your piece then she gets to say whatever she wants about you to everyone else and they will probably take her word for it. I would call out her appalling behaviour on the WhatsApp group. At least you know what kind of ‘friend’ she is now OP.

Rosscameasdoody · 07/02/2023 19:55

Missingpop · 07/02/2023 19:39

She’s give. You the cold shoulder for 6 months & your worried about being petty; send her a message telling her to fuck off & stuff her wedding up her arse she’s no friend stop being a bloody doormat grow a spine & tell her to do one get out there & make new friends your worth more than this prissy little witch

Stop beating about the bush Missingpop - say what you really mean !!🤣

BlueLabel · 07/02/2023 19:56

OP where is your mutual friend/BM in all of this? Surely she noticed when you were excluded from the group chat, or when you weren't invited out to the event after her birthday meal.
If one of my friends was being treated that way I'd certainly have some thoughts, what is she saying?

Led9519 · 07/02/2023 20:00

I’d just mute the chat rather than leave or it Might cause more drama.

MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 07/02/2023 20:04

Why are you worried about upsetting her when she's on and off blanked you for years? She doesn't care about you op, it's not a case of social withdrawal here she's point blank ignoring you & causing you issues with your other friends. A real friend would tell their friend if they had a issue, not have them stressing for months on end.
Tell her to shove her wedding where the sun doesn't shine Z

Tamarindtree · 07/02/2023 20:05

She can’t be bothered to tell you why she doesn’t want to speak to you in over six months so just block her and move on.

Chorizomoon · 07/02/2023 20:08

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

HowBoutNo · 07/02/2023 20:14

No sorry, I only attend events that involve my friends……