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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Bride isn’t talking to me - follow on update

417 replies

Aperolsprizter · 07/02/2023 15:17

Hello,
I posted this thread a while ago and got some great objective advice www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4635974-bride-not-talking-to-me-but-wont-tell-me-why-wwyd

upshot was that my friend, a bride to be, just stopped talking to me one day. Was rude at an event we were at. I reached out several times asking if I’d done something wrong and made it clear I was open to talking about it if I had (despite the last time us seeing each other prior everything had been lovely, or so I thought).

anyway, still heard nothing. The bride to bes mum in law has messaged the group whatsapp for bridesmaids asking for the deposit for the hen do. I politely replied to her directly not in the chat saying I hadn’t been in contact with the bride for six months so assumed I wasn’t part of the wedding etc - response was “bride will be in touch soon”.

this was two weeks ago and I’ve heard nothing. Wibu to leave the group chat? I know there’s others without me in anyway, but I don’t want to seem petty and I don’t know if I should grab the bull and message her? I know this seems weak but we’ve been friends for years prior to this, and although I can’t see the relationship repairing now I feel like I want to remain calm and collected in it all.

OP posts:
AlwaysFoldingWashing · 07/02/2023 17:16

Thepeopleversuswork · 07/02/2023 15:24

The MIL clearly isn’t in the loop.

I would discreetly drop off the chat and message the MIL politely and privately saying that as her DIL has not contacted you for months despite you being in touch you were not expecting to go to the hen and will not be able to contribute, sorry.

Completely agree with this

Original poster
Aperolsprizter · 07/02/2023 17:17

Hi all,
she’s a childhood friend - it’s not unreasonable to see that she might be feeling emotions about a wedding day, realise afterwards and approach back. This to me isn’t going to amount in friendship again, but ultimately I’d like her to be the one directly telling me I’m not involved in the wedding (to clarify I won’t be going even if she came back with apologies at this stage).

pp saying I’m a doormat - accepted, just trying to behave in a rational way in the face of something that seems irrational

OP posts:
SlightlyJaded · 07/02/2023 17:17

I remember your original thread. I think you've done everything you can. I would message the Mother once more saying

"Hiya. Still nothing from the Bride. it's now been 8 months of me trying to make contact with no luck... I have no idea why and have no hard feelings but I'm starting to feel like a fool so I'm leaving the WhatsApp group . But you have my number if you ever needed to get in touch or clarify anything. Hope the wedding goes well."

That way, no one can accuse you of anything apart from Trying Really Hard!

Zonder · 07/02/2023 17:20

She has dropped you. I would mute the WhatsApp group and make up your own mind that you're not going to the wedding.

That way you're not visibly leaving the group but you're not hoping for something that isn't going to happen. Plan something nice for the wedding day so you have a fun time elsewhere.

PrinnyPree · 07/02/2023 17:20

Yeah do what @SlightlyJaded suggests.

EmmaEmerald · 07/02/2023 17:27

Sort of what SlightlyJaded said

but I would telephone her tbh. I also wouldn't offer to do anything. Just explain what's happened, then leave the WA group.

SleepingStandingUp · 07/02/2023 17:27

Aquamarine1029 · 07/02/2023 15:36

Then message the friend and say "hi, I'm open to talk if you want to but just to let you know I've let your MIL know I obviously won't be coming to the hen do as things stand between us. Hope you have anl great time"

The op has reached out to this woman several times already, with no response, why on earth should she keep pandering to her?

Fuck that. Block and move on.

I don't think taking someone you're not coming to their event they at one point incited you to is pandering. It's basic manners.

EmmaEmerald · 07/02/2023 17:28

You also said on your other thread that she does this a lot. There is no need to have this in your life.

Companyofwolves · 07/02/2023 17:28

Can you ask any of the other hens/friends? If they’re not your friends then it’s obviously very tricky but contact one who you get on most with or who seems the least likely to twist anything /turn it into drama & show your genuine concern for the bride, but explain the predicament you’re in ie don’t want to abandon her but just so perplexed & concerned for her /don’t know what to do. Has she said anything to the others. If she doesn’t want you there fine just tell you kind of thing as you are a friend & so wouldn’t just walk away from the friendship but being given not much option. Then you won’t be scapegoated. Guess there’s no saying what the bride will feed her friend/& or twist/lie about what you’ve allegedly done however.
That or just bow out now & try not let it eat you up. Call her mum week before wedding to say still not heard so got no option to cover your back. Not that you should have to but I get why you don’t want to be framed as being the one letting her down when it’s vice versa.

Banrockmystation · 07/02/2023 17:33

Do Nothing! There’s nothing for you to do. Just don’t contact anymore.

amonsteronthehill · 07/02/2023 17:36

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 07/02/2023 16:20

I think I'd put something on the chat to say 'I've repeatedly tried to make contact with the bride for the last 6 months and been consistently ignored, so think it's fair to assume that I'm no longer included as part of the wedding. Just wanted to let everyone know so there are no hard feelings and hope you all have a lovely time at the wedding' and then leave

I would do something similar. I certainly wouldn't say nothing so you could make it look like I was the one that went silent and left the group without a word....

DontStopMeNow7 · 07/02/2023 17:36

No, you’ve already asked several times for an explanation and she didn’t give you a proper answer. No need to block her, just leave the group and don’t contact her again.

Just some food for thought: I had a close relative who did this to me. I know I’ve done nothing wrong but in hindsight she’s very easily offended, judgmental etc. I’m SOooooo glad I didn’t think to question her or anyone else about it. Now that I’m wiser I think her and others were trying to provoke a confrontation so that they could just let rip on me. There’s no way it would have been fair in any way. Because I later found out she just doesn’t like me nor approve of my life choices. So although it hurt at the time I’m super relieved she’s no longer in my life, which was just a natural consequence of her odd, cold behaviour.

Just don’t bother. You don’t deserve this treatment and are better off not being at the wedding too.

gogohmm · 07/02/2023 17:40

There is a possibility that there's another factor your aren't aware of but the mother is of course. Closure, that annoyingly overused term, is something I would want too op, I get it. I personally would send one final message leaving it up to her to explain if there is one, but signing off all the best for the future.

hiyaKen · 07/02/2023 17:46

The Bride is obviously massively pissed iff with you

But what's the point in all that anger if you totally oblivious to the reason

I would message MIL again and say you
Still have not heard from the bride but it's been months and dont know where you stand but getting the impression the friendship is over

For that reason, im outta the club

She's a coward and a dick

hiyaKen · 07/02/2023 17:47

It's easy to leave a whatsapp group now. They don't publish it in the feed. So nobody will
Notice

pinkfondu · 07/02/2023 17:49

Think this is one of those no response is a response

pinkfondu · 07/02/2023 17:50

I'm in a WhatsApp group as admin and if defo tells me in tge feed is someone leaves

Hawkins002 · 07/02/2023 17:50

It's very odd op

autienotnaughty · 07/02/2023 17:50

If she wasn't getting married I'd ignore and move on. But my concern would be if there's more to it or if she suddenly seems to assume your in the wedding or owe her something. I'd ring or message direct and say. Your not sure what's happened but obviously you won't be in the wedding and you wish her all the best. Then I'd leave it there.

BadNomad · 07/02/2023 17:51

You really need to find your self-respect and stop chasing this woman. Stop chasing rejection. You don't owe anything to people who treat you badly. There really isn't an excuse that would excuse her behaviour towards you.

crumpet · 07/02/2023 17:52

Mute the chat. Send the Dear Babs message to MiL. Done.

FavouriteSlippers · 07/02/2023 17:57

Ditch the chat. Block ignore.

User4873628 · 07/02/2023 18:02

You really need to find your self-respect and stop chasing this woman

This.

Just leave it now. Leave the group and move on. No need to send any explanation.

NoSquirrels · 07/02/2023 18:09

If I were you I would message Bride one last time:

Ex-friend, I’m sorry we haven’t spoken in so long - I feel like I tried everything to understand why you no longer wanted to be in touch. Your MIL-to-be is asking about hen do deposits etc and I am in the awkward position of having to tell the others we’re no longer in contact. Obviously there will be other wedding related stuff too as the date gets closer so I’ll be leaving the WhatsApp groups for the wedding but I thought it best to let you know. I’ve no wish to cause any drama. Wishing you and X the best.

amiold · 07/02/2023 18:10

I'd have just replied saying "fab will send my money" with no intention. Make her squirm 😂

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