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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Bride isn’t talking to me - follow on update

417 replies

Aperolsprizter · 07/02/2023 15:17

Hello,
I posted this thread a while ago and got some great objective advice www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4635974-bride-not-talking-to-me-but-wont-tell-me-why-wwyd

upshot was that my friend, a bride to be, just stopped talking to me one day. Was rude at an event we were at. I reached out several times asking if I’d done something wrong and made it clear I was open to talking about it if I had (despite the last time us seeing each other prior everything had been lovely, or so I thought).

anyway, still heard nothing. The bride to bes mum in law has messaged the group whatsapp for bridesmaids asking for the deposit for the hen do. I politely replied to her directly not in the chat saying I hadn’t been in contact with the bride for six months so assumed I wasn’t part of the wedding etc - response was “bride will be in touch soon”.

this was two weeks ago and I’ve heard nothing. Wibu to leave the group chat? I know there’s others without me in anyway, but I don’t want to seem petty and I don’t know if I should grab the bull and message her? I know this seems weak but we’ve been friends for years prior to this, and although I can’t see the relationship repairing now I feel like I want to remain calm and collected in it all.

OP posts:
malificent7 · 07/02/2023 16:00

Don't tell us you changed your hair colour so it didn't match her wedding theme?!😮
Seriously though, she dosn't sound like she's worth the bother. It's horrible not having closure though.

Rosscameasdoody · 07/02/2023 16:01

If she’s a good friend do you know where she lives ? If so, and not far away, could you not call and speak to her face to face and find out what the problem is ? At least then you’d know and get a chance to have your say. The problem with this kind of bullshit treatment is that it leaves you turning yourself inside out, wondering what you’ve done. If you don’t fancy direct confrontation then I would try to forget it - console yourself with the fact that real friends don’t behave like this.

AllTheAll · 07/02/2023 16:02

ReamsOfCheese · 07/02/2023 15:49

Wow YANBU. She's got to be ghosting you at this point. MIL is either in on it and stringing you along for wedding gifts or has no idea at all.

"bride will be in touch soon" is very rude and very "don't call us; we'll call you".

Tellmeimcrazy · 07/02/2023 16:03

Why is everyone suggesting send another message? OP has sent more than enough. All this private messaging others (like MIL) is total cringe. Bride has had plenty of opportunity to get in touch. Don't even leave the chat just mute it and move on. You clearly aren't part of the weeding party and you clearly aren't her friend. Stop chasing her. She isn't interested. You seem desperate.

Tellmeimcrazy · 07/02/2023 16:04

Twizbe · 07/02/2023 15:59

Leave the chat and tell the bride that you're stepping down and no longer attending any wedding or hen

If anything this but don't expect a response.

Inkpotlover · 07/02/2023 16:06

Rosscameasdoody · 07/02/2023 16:01

If she’s a good friend do you know where she lives ? If so, and not far away, could you not call and speak to her face to face and find out what the problem is ? At least then you’d know and get a chance to have your say. The problem with this kind of bullshit treatment is that it leaves you turning yourself inside out, wondering what you’ve done. If you don’t fancy direct confrontation then I would try to forget it - console yourself with the fact that real friends don’t behave like this.

Please don't do this, OP! You've reached out to her multiple times and it's been six months since she's bothered to answer you. Turning up on her doorstep would be excruciating and I don't think it would resolve anything anyway.

As a PP asked, what happened to the mutual friend you were going to go on a date with?

Mummyoflittledragon · 07/02/2023 16:06

I think muting the chat would be the way forward. This would create the least drama and would prevent anyone from turning this on you. I remember your other thread. The bride is being pretty cruel and you don’t owe anyone an explanation.

Rosscameasdoody · 07/02/2023 16:07

Tellmeimcrazy · 07/02/2023 16:03

Why is everyone suggesting send another message? OP has sent more than enough. All this private messaging others (like MIL) is total cringe. Bride has had plenty of opportunity to get in touch. Don't even leave the chat just mute it and move on. You clearly aren't part of the weeding party and you clearly aren't her friend. Stop chasing her. She isn't interested. You seem desperate.

I don’t think the OP is desperate. I think she just wants to know why she’s at the receiving end of such shite treatment. That’s the point of the bride treating her like this isn’t it ? No explanation, no closure, just left to twist in the wind. Nasty.

Original poster
Aperolsprizter · 07/02/2023 16:08

Thanks all for the replies. To be clear (thankfully) I’m over the upset of it now and don’t care if we speak again BUT
1)it’s her wedding, there may be emotions at play I’m not aware of
2) whilst I don’t want to be a doormat I also don’t want to feed anything that could be used against me (‘she dropped out of the chat without telling me she wasn’t coming to the wedding etc’)

efen if she did reach out at this point I wouldn’t feel right being at her wedding so deffo won’t be going. Just want to ensure I’m having a backbone, but being reasonable

OP posts:
Rosscameasdoody · 07/02/2023 16:08

Inkpotlover · 07/02/2023 16:06

Please don't do this, OP! You've reached out to her multiple times and it's been six months since she's bothered to answer you. Turning up on her doorstep would be excruciating and I don't think it would resolve anything anyway.

As a PP asked, what happened to the mutual friend you were going to go on a date with?

Show quote history

Depends on how much the friendship means to her though doesn’t it ? Being the bigger person isn’t excruciating, it’s trying to sort things out like an adult, despite the fact that her friend is being spiteful and childish. And at least she’d have closure.

drpet49 · 07/02/2023 16:09

FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 07/02/2023 15:22

You've not heard from her at all since September??

Fuck that. Remove yourself from the chat and block her. She's being a bitch and you're being a doormat.

This.

Twizbe · 07/02/2023 16:09

@Tellmeimcrazy yep, it's almost a kill them with politeness.

If OP just didn't turn up to events she'd be the 'bad guy' regardless of whether bride has spoken to her or not.

If she makes it clear she's not going to attend then she's been polite lol.

Ladyofthelake53 · 07/02/2023 16:10

I wouldnt bother messaging youve given her ample opportunity to respond but she hasnt. Id just leVe the group and wrire her off.

Poor behaviour from her imo

SicParvisMagna · 07/02/2023 16:10

This happened to me, except I was the bride and friend was the bridesmaid! She just started ghosting me, ignoring messages and not being involved in any planning for my hen, or anything regarding the wedding. Emails, facebook messages and texts all ignored. In the end I emailed her one day at about 4 am. I couldn't sleep and tossed and turned thinking about it and in the end got up at the crack of dawn and emailed her to say that if she was going to act like that I thought it best if she didn't come to the wedding. She emailed back simply saying "ok". This was someone who I had known since I was about 7 (I was early twenties then) and had been my best friend in the entire world. I think we've said about 5 words to each other since (I've been married 15 years this year) and that was when her mum was involved in an accident and I messaged to say I hoped she was ok. I still occasionally think about her and if she's ok but it hurt for a long time. Sorry you're going through this OP. I would just sent a text or email to the bride and say that you have no idea what you've done wrong but since she has shown no interest in explaining to you why your friendship has disintegrated to this stage you will not be a bridesmaid and you will not be attending her wedding. Wish her well, and hope she lives a happy life and that if any point she wants to clear the air you will listen.
Sometimes there is no reason why people act the way they do.

SpeckledlyHen · 07/02/2023 16:13

Aquamarine1029 · 07/02/2023 15:19

I would leave the group chat and block her. Do you really have time for her bullshit?

Exactly this. I would just leave the group chat and not do anything else. You have reached out and tried to find out what is wrong and nothing. I couldn't be arsed dealing with someone who stopped talking to me with no explanation. I would have left the group chat a long time ago personally.

Disappointingbiscuit · 07/02/2023 16:15

I'd message her privately to explain you are dropping out of the chat because you haven't heard from her. Then leave the ball in her court. You've been way more patient with her than I would have been!

Tellmeimcrazy · 07/02/2023 16:15

Rosscameasdoody · 07/02/2023 16:07

I don’t think the OP is desperate. I think she just wants to know why she’s at the receiving end of such shite treatment. That’s the point of the bride treating her like this isn’t it ? No explanation, no closure, just left to twist in the wind. Nasty.

Show quote history

I said SEEM desperate. Do you honestly think someone who treats a friend like this is even going to explain why? Come on. Surely you're not that naive. OP has asked and the bride denies anything is wrong when there clearly is.

BellaJuno · 07/02/2023 16:20

I’d keep the moral high ground so you can’t be accused of being in the wrong when the bride deigns to communicate again. I’d message the MIL to say “I thought it polite to give you the heads up that I’ve left the group chat. No further progress has been made between me and bride and I therefore won’t be attending the hen do. I thought it best to let you know at this stage of the planning”.

I bet you’ll feel better for taking control, and would put money on it energising the bride to pop back up 🙄

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 07/02/2023 16:20

I think I'd put something on the chat to say 'I've repeatedly tried to make contact with the bride for the last 6 months and been consistently ignored, so think it's fair to assume that I'm no longer included as part of the wedding. Just wanted to let everyone know so there are no hard feelings and hope you all have a lovely time at the wedding' and then leave

ChateauMargaux · 07/02/2023 16:22

Leave the group chat.

If you have already RSVP'd to the wedding, send a letter / card saying that you have decided it is best not to attend the wedding under the circumstances. (Don't message as you will see it has been read and not responded to and don't leave it open expecting a response.)

Message her MIL, it seems inappropriate under the circumstances that I remain part of the wedding / hen plans. I hope you understand.

Then shower the whole thing off, have a cleansing end of friendship ceremony involving chocolate and wine for yourself reminding yourself what a lovely person you are and bathe in the company of friends who appreciate you.

Every time you think of her... flick your hair à la L'Oreal and remind yourself not to allow this any more headspace.. because you are worth it.

MayThe4th · 07/02/2023 16:22

I wouldn’t be posting discrete messages to anyone. Too much opportunity for you to be made to be the bad guy.

I would post one final message on the group chat, “since the bride stopped talking to me months ago it’s clear I’m not actually invited any more so I am leaving this group now and won’t be contributing to the hen or anything else. Enjoy the wedding all.”

Then leave the whatsapp group.

If you don’t say anything to everyone you will be painted as the villain.

Floralnomad · 07/02/2023 16:23

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 07/02/2023 16:20

I think I'd put something on the chat to say 'I've repeatedly tried to make contact with the bride for the last 6 months and been consistently ignored, so think it's fair to assume that I'm no longer included as part of the wedding. Just wanted to let everyone know so there are no hard feelings and hope you all have a lovely time at the wedding' and then leave

Doing this is having a backbone , sitting around waiting for her to contact you is not , so do this .

Floomobal · 07/02/2023 16:24

She’s a bitch, you’re a doormat.

Leave the group chat. Forget about the wedding. Move on with your life

Inkpotlover · 07/02/2023 16:24

Aperolsprizter · 07/02/2023 16:08

Thanks all for the replies. To be clear (thankfully) I’m over the upset of it now and don’t care if we speak again BUT
1)it’s her wedding, there may be emotions at play I’m not aware of
2) whilst I don’t want to be a doormat I also don’t want to feed anything that could be used against me (‘she dropped out of the chat without telling me she wasn’t coming to the wedding etc’)

efen if she did reach out at this point I wouldn’t feel right being at her wedding so deffo won’t be going. Just want to ensure I’m having a backbone, but being reasonable

In that case, to avoid any misinterpretation, message the MIL seeing as she is the one last to instigate contact with you and say something along the lines of 'I haven't heard from the bride so I'm taking the continued silence as confirmation I am no longer part of the wedding or invited to it. I wish her and (groom's name) all the best.' I'd also let your friend who is another bridesmaid know as well.

StaunchMomma · 07/02/2023 16:25

It's been 6 months, OP.

Leave the group chat and take your dignity with you. You haven't done anything wrong.