Bride isn’t talking to me - follow on update

[Aperolsprizter]

Hello,
I posted this thread a while ago and got some great objective advice www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4635974-bride-not-talking-to-me-but-wont-tell-me-why-wwyd

upshot was that my friend, a bride to be, just stopped talking to me one day. Was rude at an event we were at. I reached out several times asking if I’d done something wrong and made it clear I was open to talking about it if I had (despite the last time us seeing each other prior everything had been lovely, or so I thought).

anyway, still heard nothing. The bride to bes mum in law has messaged the group whatsapp for bridesmaids asking for the deposit for the hen do. I politely replied to her directly not in the chat saying I hadn’t been in contact with the bride for six months so assumed I wasn’t part of the wedding etc - response was “bride will be in touch soon”.

this was two weeks ago and I’ve heard nothing. Wibu to leave the group chat? I know there’s others without me in anyway, but I don’t want to seem petty and I don’t know if I should grab the bull and message her? I know this seems weak but we’ve been friends for years prior to this, and although I can’t see the relationship repairing now I feel like I want to remain calm and collected in it all.

Aperolsprizter, this community of smart, experienced women gives excellent advice, so do listen. For whatever it's worth, I agree you should leave the group WhatsApp, but before you do, message the group saying you have heard nothing from the bride for many months so will not attend and that you wish the happy couple well for the big day and beyond.

Now that I’m wiser I think her and others were trying to provoke a confrontation so that they could just let rip on me.

This is a very perceptive comment.

Some people just lie in wait like venomous spiders, gently goading until they get an opportunity to strike - and then they can do so without looking like the "bad" one.

I hope the bride DOES see this thread. She’s behaved abominably.

I cut one of my friends off, but it was the culmination of a LOT of crap, and she made everything all about herself all the time. When spotlight was on me she just went weird, behaviour akin to stalking but there was dropping me like a sack of shit at times too. The stories that came out of the woodwork after I’d cut ties were utterly bizarre. Nobody told me about anything until they knew she was off the scene.

Wow, what a nasty cow, at least you're free of her now OP, no more drama for you!

If I was the MIL I’d be really concerned right now about who my son was marrying! If bride can cut off a childhood friend who was meant to be a bridesmaid with no warning or explanation then that might not bode well for their future relationship!

I’m so sorry you have been treated so shabbily, @Aperolsprizter. Bride is a coward and a cow. I fully expect to see an update in six months time post-wedding where she has reached out to say she regrets you not being there, silly moo.

I'd archive the chat but I wouldn't leave. If they know you're still there, your name can't be 'smeared' ykwim.

I have done the same with another group. One woman edged me out, very dominant, fawns over everybody else, gave me nothing, ICE, hard to join in when she's ignoring you and just you. So I archived the chat but I don't want her peddling a ''joy flounced'' narrative so I haven't left.

I think the MIL needs to know what sort of a rude bitch her son is involved with. Maybe she’s still got time to help him change his mind?

Yes I'd be seeing red flags everywhere if I was the MIL.

I'd be a very wary MIL now wondering what kind of woman was being welcomed into our family.

@DontStopMeNow7 Yeh, the woman who fawned obsequiously over everybody else and simultaneously ignored me completely would have loved if I'd challenged her because obviously if the worst she did was totally ignore me, there is plausible deniability, I would have ended up looking sensitive and needy and she would have exuded a ''omg, what did I do! I'm under attack!'' narrative. So glad I just slipped away. I've known this woman my whole life and I'm not competitive at all but she has always 'competed' with me. She lives in a better house, is more qualified, has a lot more money, it's nuts. There's no ''competition'' because she is the winner in any category she could think of.

Make sure you block her everywhere as well.

You know full well she will try to crawl her way back into your life as she has done this many times before.

If she does contact you after the wedding, just tell when she can explain herself properly and with a valid reason and not some vapid excuse being 'stressed' because the wedding then you will listen but nothing will change as you are fed up with her childish behaviour.

This.

But I suspect she has seen or sensed this manipulative behaviour before.

And she will see it again as these character types always need someone in their sights to punish or slate so that they can discharge their unresolved inner issues which have nothing to do with the recipient.

How tragic that at supposedly the happiest time of her life she is preoccupied with nastiness.

Very revealing.

Her MIL (and by now rest of IL) will not be impressed.

Yes she has and she clearly doesn’t know what’s going on hence why the advice to then reach out to her again when she has now been kicked off the group is the wrong advice. The MIL obviously doesn’t knew what’s goin on so it her reaching out for the MIL to go ask the bride again what’s wrong?

She should forget about her so called friend and move on.

Just leave the chat and block, don’t let yourself be treated this way. Who cares what she thinks, okay her at her own game and remain silent.

I’ve blown hot and cold with a friend. The cold times were because there were things about her I just didn’t like despite there being other things I did like.
We’re now not in contact at all and I’m kind of glad for her. It’s better that she moves on and is friends with people who like her more than I do.

I wouldn't give her the satisfaction of your time or headspace. She is a coward. Never entertain her nonsense again.

I got to 50 being a people pleaser and then fell out with 2 friends. One, I have no clue what I have done. She blanked me then gave me dirty looks and roped her DD into doing the same. The last time I saw her on her own she sheepishly smiled at me as we walked past each other and I just looked straight through her. I won't give her the time of day now. I don't care what I am meant to have done.

I fell out with the other when she went after my DC. Her DC's behaviour is really poor, and it is manipulative. My DC tried to back off a bit and make other friends and the child lost it, and their parent lost it too. She took on a 2-year reign of terror against mine. It was like a mafia feud. I had to go nuclear in the end to stop it.

As a result of this, I put much more effort now into my family and I have one long-term friend I trust implicitly. Otherwise, I just do "acquaintances". Friends enough to go out, and have coffee or dinner, but intimate friendships with people, no thanks.

Your 'friend' is not a real friend, she may have been at one time, but not now.

Have a lovely time with your partner and don't give her a second thought.

To me this is very teenage behaviour. You see it all the time with them. You get groups of female friends and they will just push one of them out, and declare they don’t like them. For no good reason. Absolutely breaking the poor girl pushed out.
some people don’t grow up

I would just message the Mil and say you haven’t heard from the Bride, you’re not really sure why but you assume you’re not invited/involved anymore. Then just leave the chat and get on with your life.

I’ve only read your updates on this thread but I’ve sort of been in similar situations (or heard of them second/third hand etc).

The bride sounds like a total bitch/arse and to be honest I’m actually sick of other people excusing a bride’s behaviour because they’re being a bridezilla/stress of the wedding. Lots of brides I know, yes they’re stressed or can be but not all of them behave badly/are bridezillas.

The ones who were/are bitchy and nightmares before getting engaged and planning a wedding are going to be like that anyway.

I recall speaking to my mum once about bridezillas (when I was going through this drama) and asked her did she have this bridezilla behaviour and did her friends do this (she was bridesmaid twice for her older sister and for a close friend) but lots of her other friends have got married in the past and she told me she honestly couldn’t remember this being an issue at all and they’d soon be told to get a grip/cheer up! These women all worked too.

@Gabby8 read the whole thread.

@MRex are you the bride or one of the hens? Why should she ‘duck out gracefully’ when she’s done nothing wrong? That’s saying, ok, just bully me away and I will let you. She was VERY graceful not posting publicly about the Bride’s behaviour. Even IF the bride perceives she’s done something wrong, as a thinking, respectful adult you don’t just blank people and ostracise them out! Very bitchy playground behaviour, glad the op is away from those childish toxic no brains!

Ok will do, I’ll get on that right away boss!

I umpteenth it!

I’m sorry that this hasn’t ended in a pleasant way for you OP, but it has ended in the best way. You don’t need folk like that in your life.

I suspect MIL doesn’t either but sadly the choice is not hers to make. If she has anything about her, at least her eyes will be wide open going forward.