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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Bride isn’t talking to me - follow on update

417 replies

Aperolsprizter · 07/02/2023 15:17

Hello,
I posted this thread a while ago and got some great objective advice www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4635974-bride-not-talking-to-me-but-wont-tell-me-why-wwyd

upshot was that my friend, a bride to be, just stopped talking to me one day. Was rude at an event we were at. I reached out several times asking if I’d done something wrong and made it clear I was open to talking about it if I had (despite the last time us seeing each other prior everything had been lovely, or so I thought).

anyway, still heard nothing. The bride to bes mum in law has messaged the group whatsapp for bridesmaids asking for the deposit for the hen do. I politely replied to her directly not in the chat saying I hadn’t been in contact with the bride for six months so assumed I wasn’t part of the wedding etc - response was “bride will be in touch soon”.

this was two weeks ago and I’ve heard nothing. Wibu to leave the group chat? I know there’s others without me in anyway, but I don’t want to seem petty and I don’t know if I should grab the bull and message her? I know this seems weak but we’ve been friends for years prior to this, and although I can’t see the relationship repairing now I feel like I want to remain calm and collected in it all.

OP posts:
Rosscameasdoody · 09/02/2023 08:35

Toomuchtrouble4me · 09/02/2023 03:32

I’d stay in the chat - because I’m nosey. And for the same reason I would just HAVE to know what the issue was - I’d PM the MIL and tell her that Bride hasn’t spoken to you for 6months and you’re totally bemused as to why.

She did. MIL said the Bride would be in touch. She never was.

T1Dmama · 09/02/2023 09:23

I know you’re determined not to look bad, but the very fact they have another chat without you suggests there’s already lies being spread…. And they’re probably thinking you odd for not getting the hint and removing yourself. Probably saying ‘god is she so stupid that she still thinks she’s BM & is still in the group’
i would t message anyone again as who knows they might be talking about every message you send.
if you won’t leave the WhatsApp then at least mute it….. but how long do you plan to leave it before dropping out… you’ve said even if she apologises now you won’t go, so actually you will look the bad guy in that scenario…. Better to drop out now while you have the benefit of the 6 silence and all the messages being ignored.
You sound so lovely but you are making yourself sound like you care way too much..
You need to either put this one in fuckit bucket and just walk away from them all and the chats and the wedding… I think this option is best as you’re taking control back and saying ‘I won’t be treated this way’.
or you message the bride and state that the way she’s treated you is unacceptable so you feel the only right thing to do is decline her Jen do and wedding invite. Wish her well with the wedding and wish her a happy life with her husband to be. Then leave it there…
In my mind your silence is allowing her behaviour to continue.. she clearly likes the drama and knows you’ve put up and shut up before and then taken her back…

Its awful when a friendship stops so abruptly and you have no idea why… but this is on her not you.

Honestly walk way ‘fuckit bucket’… and with the money you’ve saved from the hen do and wedding costs and presents etc see if any of your real friends want to book a little holiday somewhere lovely!…. I’d book it so you’re out of the country for the wedding and not give any of it another thought. If you see the bridesmaids around just hello and smile and carry on with your day… who knows as time passes they might even contact you and ask what happened…. They’ll all get their turn at being treated badly… my experience is that this type of person will work her way through friends They’ll one by one see her true colours and start questioning the things she’s told them about you/other friends….

Fuckit bucket….. walk away them all

Whitney168 · 09/02/2023 09:24

I am not keen all these messages suggestions saying things along the line of 'I assume I am no longer welcome'.

I would be making it very clear that I have no intention of, or interest in, coming to a wedding or hen party for someone who has blanked me for months.😆

Honestly OP, just get yourself out of those chats with a polite 'goodbye and have fun' message. The others are going to take the bride's side in whatever manufactured excuse she's given anyway.

T1Dmama · 09/02/2023 09:44

Agree @Whitney168 … she has already spun her web of lies about OP and they’re probably all laughing and think she’s looking a little desperate to still be in the chats hoping to still tag along…
women can be bitchy. Except these people are no longer your friends, and move on.
Don’t worry about looking like the bad guy, you already do…. I assume not one of the bridesmaids has contacted you, not even the mutual friend!! Says it all….. WALK AWAY AND NEVER LOOK BACK

T1Dmama · 09/02/2023 09:46

FUCKIT BUCKET!

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 09/02/2023 09:51

Oh God, is this still going on?

You have been given loads of advice on how to handle it, ignored everything and you still haven't actually done anything... I'm beginning to think you're the passive aggressive one here and just enjoying the drama. Or lack of...

Weedoormatnomore · 09/02/2023 09:57

Why have you not asked your mutual friend in 5 months about what is going on ? Did you even here from them over Christmas New year ?

Emberino · 09/02/2023 11:06

This is bothering you a lot as it would me and I think you won’t be able to just leave it unless you get answers. I think things like weddings, christmases and birthdays always help to obscure what’s going on. Regardless of whether your friend is getting married she is being horrible to you by refusing to speak to you. It seems to me the wedding is giving her extra power to do so. Just wondering if it’s worth going to see her in person to find out what is wrong, it doesn’t need to be confrontational but if face to face she isn’t going to explain You have kind of got your answer. It’s hard losing a friend but it does sound rather like she’s already made that decision, no one needs someone in their lives who treats them like that it’s just mean.

FizzPrincess · 09/02/2023 11:09

Another slightly baffling point is that I saw today she’s been spending time with an aquaintance of hers who I was actually planning a date with (we work in similar fields) I weirdly haven’t heard from him for a few days after she’s seen him. So I don’t know if that’s another element as well (doubt it, think she just wants me out of the wedding)

Have you heard from this man since? Did she kniw you were planning a date with him? Are you sure there is nothing going on between her and this man?

It seems to me she is jealous. Yes, she's getting married and so can't be with this man but doesn't want you to be with him either. Could this be why she is ghosting you?

Original poster
Aperolsprizter · 09/02/2023 11:16

Hi all,
thanks for the continued advice.

  1. it’s not still “going on” and I don’t enjoy the drama. I haven’t messaged or spoken to her since this happened and assumed I wouldn’t be as all the wedding chats were quiet. I wasn’t going to address it until I heard from MIL.

2)I’m not begging to go to the wedding / asking if I’m invited or uninvited - I’m not going in any shape or form. What I wanted was advice (which I’ve got in sensible spades) on how to manage the situation with the MIL and other bridesmaids that meant they weren’t getting embroiled in something ie me not paying for the hen etc when they don’t know what has gone on.

as I said, I’m going to take advice and just leave it now. If she gets in touch she does, and if she doesn’t she doesn’t.

OP posts:
Zonder · 09/02/2023 11:24

Very sensible @Aperolsprizter hope you can do something nice and distracting on the day.

T1Dmama · 09/02/2023 12:19

Aperolsprizter · 09/02/2023 11:16

Hi all,
thanks for the continued advice.

  1. it’s not still “going on” and I don’t enjoy the drama. I haven’t messaged or spoken to her since this happened and assumed I wouldn’t be as all the wedding chats were quiet. I wasn’t going to address it until I heard from MIL.

2)I’m not begging to go to the wedding / asking if I’m invited or uninvited - I’m not going in any shape or form. What I wanted was advice (which I’ve got in sensible spades) on how to manage the situation with the MIL and other bridesmaids that meant they weren’t getting embroiled in something ie me not paying for the hen etc when they don’t know what has gone on.

as I said, I’m going to take advice and just leave it now. If she gets in touch she does, and if she doesn’t she doesn’t.

What I wanted was advice (which I’ve got in sensible spades) on how to manage the situation with the MIL and other bridesmaids that meant they weren’t getting embroiled in something ie me not paying for the hen etc when they don’t know what has gone on.

sorry OP but I think you’re too kind…. The other bridesmaids know exactly what’s gone on, they know more than you!! Take the hint and just leave the groups.
message the MIL again and simply say you don’t think you’re friends anymore so apologies but you’re dropping out x

This may or may not prompt the bride to realise she’s loosing you and act on it. Either way she’s a douche and doesn’t deserve your time

User45378754 · 09/02/2023 13:16

Oh I hate these push-pull types.

She is desperate for you to ‘flounce’ so she can prove herself right with some conflict / perceived slight.

I expect once you do she will get back in touch …. seems to be her pattern.

Take yourself out of the lot of them.

Don’t look back.

She’s never going to tell you why or acknowledge or apologise……

Hollywolly1 · 09/02/2023 14:36

I wouldn't message the mil again as no point. I would drop out of the WhatsApp group quietly end of,don't look back

Stopcomplainingandsortit · 09/02/2023 19:12

ArcaneWireless standing at a bus stopcackling like mad now! A cloud raining shite!! Best Saying Ever!!!

BobSacamono · 10/02/2023 06:38

I can understand your approach OP, I did something similar with someone until she had to say for herself that our friendship was over (it wasn’t a friendship, and thank god it was over). Keep your dignified stance, but if and when she does suddenly want you in her radar she’d better be held accountable!

kateandme · 10/02/2023 07:14

But that's not tying with what you've said all the way through.its more you don't want to look like the bad guy for pulling out.not that you don't want to embroil the other bridesmaids but you don't want THEEM to think bad about you.but seriously where are they.have any of them been in touch.surely there's been weddings chat?
Just ask on the open chat.you literally have nothing to lose now as you've said your not going and friendship changed,gone,whatever.
Or you should have just been straight with mil. You owe her nothing.it wouldn't have beennunkind nor would it on open chat yo just say " this is seriously doing my head in anyone no where I stand"

Wiggleinherwalk · 10/02/2023 07:17

@Aperolsprizter
You mentioned in your other thread there was a guy you were talking to with the thought of planning a date, but that he'd met up with the bride for a drink and then you hadn't heard from him since either.
How's all that going now, did it all fizzle out or did you meet up for a date?

Just wondering if there's a link there as it's something that had changed - the time you met up and everything seemed fine did you mention it to her? how did they know each other, all old school friends?

Just wondering if she'd always liked him and was jealous you were getting close? Had they had a secret hook up previously?

Wiggleinherwalk · 10/02/2023 07:19

Quote from OP's message in her previous thread:

"Another slightly baffling point is that I saw today she’s been spending time with an aquaintance of hers who I was actually planning a date with (we work in similar fields) I weirdly haven’t heard from him for a few days after she’s seen him. So I don’t know if that’s another element as well (doubt it, think she just wants me out of the wedding)"

Original poster
Aperolsprizter · 10/02/2023 11:15

Hey,

  1. the guy ghosted me - blocked, all social media gone, physically ignored me in the street a few weeks after the original thread. I assumed she’d said something to him but wasn’t massively bothered in the grand scheme.

  2. the two things do tally. I’m not the bad guy here - even if I have inadvertently done something to upset her, I left my door open and she ignored me. I can not want to look like the bad person and also not want to embroil the other bridesmaids in any drama / cause excessive stress for those who have organised her hen do when they don’t know why I’m not paying

OP posts:
Kennykenkencat · 10/02/2023 11:45

Aperolsprizter · 10/02/2023 11:15

Hey,

  1. the guy ghosted me - blocked, all social media gone, physically ignored me in the street a few weeks after the original thread. I assumed she’d said something to him but wasn’t massively bothered in the grand scheme.

  2. the two things do tally. I’m not the bad guy here - even if I have inadvertently done something to upset her, I left my door open and she ignored me. I can not want to look like the bad person and also not want to embroil the other bridesmaids in any drama / cause excessive stress for those who have organised her hen do when they don’t know why I’m not paying

The last thing you want to do is keep quiet.

You need to explain to everyone what has happened once and for all or expect a lifetime of the same.

You have to shine a light on the behaviour and what has happened otherwise the only thing people will know is what she tells them.

You might not want to look like a bitch but you will do, or worse because the bride can just make up any old shit about you and you have never told anyone anything different.

Take the bull by the horns and message the group exactly what has happened and then leave.

Not saying or doing anything whilst trying to be graceful and not causing a fuss isn’t working.
It is just leaving you open for all sorts of accusations to be thrown at you and not saying anything people just then think they are true.

Everyonehasavoice · 10/02/2023 11:57

maybe this is your chance to find out what all of this is about
definately sounds like she’s said something to him

i would try hard to get hold of him and ask what is going on, what has she said……..if she has

if she’s spreading rumours you need to know or it’ll eat you up.

Wiggleinherwalk · 10/02/2023 12:00

@Aperolsprizter
Not blaming you in the slightest, just seemed like it might be connected as both things seemed to happen around the same time so might be some back story from her side that you're not aware of...
Does seem from his reaction that she's been bad mouthing you to people. If you don't do anything and "rise above", how much scope has she got to make life horrible for you?
Sadly it doesn't seem like she's just ignoring you, sounds like she's actively trying to blacken your name to your wider circle as well... Horrible feeling to pick up vibes that someone has turned on you but have no idea what you're supposed to have done - you have my sympathies 💐

londonrach · 10/02/2023 12:24

Just leave group chat and move on.

Companyofwolves · 10/02/2023 13:20

Agree with other posters - you won’t be seen the better person or cause any less drama if you simply disappear & don’t go to the wedding, I’m sorry OP. You do need to say something.