Page 13 | Bride isn’t talking to me - follow on update

Aperolsprizter · 2023-02-07T15:17:16+00:00

Hello, I posted this thread a while ago and got some great objective advice https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4635974-bride-not-talking-to-me-but-wont-tell-me-why-wwyd upshot was that my friend, a bride to be, just stopped talking to me one day. Was rude at an event we were at. I reached out several times asking if I’d done something wrong and made it clear I was open to talking about it if I had (despite the last time us seeing each other prior everything had been lovely, or so I thought). anyway, still heard nothing. The bride to bes mum in law has messaged the group whatsapp for bridesmaids asking for the deposit for the hen do. I politely replied to her directly not in the chat saying I hadn’t been in contact with the bride for six months so assumed I wasn’t part of the wedding etc - response was “bride will be in touch soon”. this was two weeks ago and I’ve heard nothing. Wibu to leave the group chat? I know there’s others without me in anyway, but I don’t want to seem petty and I don’t know if I should grab the bull and message her? I know this seems weak but we’ve been friends for years prior to this, and although I can’t see the relationship repairing now I feel like I want to remain calm and collected in it all.

Leirvassbu · 10/02/2023 13:58

the two things do tally. I’m not the bad guy here - even if I have inadvertently done something to upset her, I left my door open and she ignored me. I can not want to look like the bad person and also not want to embroil the other bridesmaids in any drama / cause excessive stress for those who have organised her hen do when they don’t know why I’m not paying

You need to stop with all this "don't want to look like the bad person" stuff. You aren't. But she can spin it whatever way she wants and will do. She has probably already told the bridesmaids some story.
You talk about not wanting to cause excessive stress for the people organizing the hen-do so you now need to message the group and make clear you aren't a bridesmaid anymore then leave the group.
Why is this taking up so much headspace? You should have dealt with this long ago with a simple clear message to the bride saying that as you've not heard from her despite you trying to contact her then you have to assume she no longer needs you to be her bridesmaid and then wish her the best for the future.
Write something similar in the WhatsApp group today and be done with it.

We can't change other people's behaviour but we can decide how we want to react to it. You want to react to this by hanging around and waiting until she officially dumps you as a bridesmaid. In the meantime it must be clear to you that she isn't going to do that and she doesn't want you as a bridesmaid. So now you decide how to react, given your first reaction of hanging around and waiting has not brought out the desired resolution to the issue.

BobSacamono · 10/02/2023 14:28

I can see the point other PPs are trying to make. You have the opportunity of getting your side across through the group chat and then leave. Better than getting removed and no chance to speak up at all, which I do think could still happen. I’d write one great big message explaining why you’ve had to do this and be gone.

billy1966 · 10/02/2023 14:38

Wiggleinherwalk · 10/02/2023 07:19

Quote from OP's message in her previous thread:

"Another slightly baffling point is that I saw today she’s been spending time with an aquaintance of hers who I was actually planning a date with (we work in similar fields) I weirdly haven’t heard from him for a few days after she’s seen him. So I don’t know if that’s another element as well (doubt it, think she just wants me out of the wedding)"

God love you OP, you are in terrible denial and seem frozen by your fear of taking action.

How him completely ignoring you suddenly wouldn't bother you is disingenuous.

I find it very hard to believe.

This goes well beyond ger stupid wedding if what she is clearly saying about you causes someone to block you.

Surely you value your good name.

I would really have a rethink about the implications of this.

Her wedding is a side show really.

User45378754 · 10/02/2023 14:38

Sunlight is the best disinfectant.

She has behaved abominably and no doubt the MIL or friends will have experienced something similar before.

As it seems she is actively smearing you - (to the potential date and maybe other close friend who hasn’t reached out) - I would put some dignified, light words into the group chat:

Hi All,

This is a tricky one. Bride has ignored all 6 communications from me over the last 6 months.

I don’t know if there is something else going on for her at this time that I am not party to or if she believes I have offended her in some way.

I can do no more but now assume I am not part of the wedding so will now leave the chat.

I hope you all have a great day and that our paths will cross again another time.

Please pass on my best wishes to Bride.

Companyofwolves · 10/02/2023 15:26

User45378754 · 10/02/2023 14:38

Sunlight is the best disinfectant.

She has behaved abominably and no doubt the MIL or friends will have experienced something similar before.

As it seems she is actively smearing you - (to the potential date and maybe other close friend who hasn’t reached out) - I would put some dignified, light words into the group chat:

Hi All,

This is a tricky one. Bride has ignored all 6 communications from me over the last 6 months.

I don’t know if there is something else going on for her at this time that I am not party to or if she believes I have offended her in some way.

I can do no more but now assume I am not part of the wedding so will now leave the chat.

I hope you all have a great day and that our paths will cross again another time.

Please pass on my best wishes to Bride.

This is perfect.

She will still lie & dispute this to her hens but it will show to them that you are genuinely a good person, meant her no harm, have done nothing wrong & means people won’t gossip & accuse you of ghosting her or just not showing up - which I think would be weird.

SandyY2K · 10/02/2023 15:45

I can't imagine being so passive

The bride is clearly upset about something, but doesn't react to tell your directly what it is.

It sounds like you may have an idea what it's about from your last post.

I just couldn't be dealing with this childish nonsense tbh.

kateandme · 10/02/2023 17:40

Companyofwolves · 10/02/2023 13:20

Agree with other posters - you won’t be seen the better person or cause any less drama if you simply disappear & don’t go to the wedding, I’m sorry OP. You do need to say something.

Yup

kateandme · 10/02/2023 17:44

Companyofwolves · 10/02/2023 15:26

This is perfect.

She will still lie & dispute this to her hens but it will show to them that you are genuinely a good person, meant her no harm, have done nothing wrong & means people won’t gossip & accuse you of ghosting her or just not showing up - which I think would be weird.

Show quote history

Exactly op. By not saying anything you are becoming the very thing you don't want to be.

Original poster

Aperolsprizter · 10/02/2023 18:05

Hey,
I’ve made it clear to the MIL what has happened, she will have told MOH who is dealing with the hen finances too. At this point I’ve made the decision not to go back to communicate.

as for the ghosting - yes was weird at the time but a very light connection. Not heartbroken or worried in the same way I was over a childhood friend ghosting me (although I agree ite strange and something probs been said)

OP posts:

saraclara · 10/02/2023 18:33

It seems I disagree with most people.

The problem with mumsnet is that people often want posters to up the ante, because threads on here are a bit like soap operas. That's a need among some posters to encourage a bit of drama and have their favorite character 'win'.

But real life is more complicated, and strategies like this carry risks that the people behind their screens aren't going to have to deal with when it all goes wrong.

I still think that the very most that you should say, OP, is "I haven't heard from bride for six months so am unsure whether I'm still in the bridal party. I'll update you when I hear anything"

There is absolutely nothing there that can be twisted or used against you, but it explains why you aren't paying you're share of the hen costs yet.

But I also think that now you've talked to her mum, there's no real need to say anything.

saraclara · 10/02/2023 18:34

Ugh. Your not you're. Autocorrect is stupid.

BadNomad · 10/02/2023 18:47

You keep saying you don't want to drag the bridesmaids into this, but you are. You know you're not going to the hen and you know you are not going to the wedding, so your reasons for hanging around are not innocent or genuine. You're waiting because you want other people to witness how badly you are being treated. BUT these are her friends and family. Her allies. You haven't done anything wrong, but this is her story, so you will never be the good guy in it. The longer you hang around waiting to humiliate the bride in front of her friends, the worse you will look in the end. You are not going to get the outcome or validation you want from this.

saraclara · 10/02/2023 19:00

The longer you hang around waiting to humiliate the bride in front of her friends,

WHAT? That's the opposite of what OP is doing. It's all the suggestions of passive aggressive posts on the WhatsApp group that are designed to humiliate the bride. And OP is being sensible enough not to want to do that.

BadNomad · 10/02/2023 19:16

saraclara · 10/02/2023 19:00

The longer you hang around waiting to humiliate the bride in front of her friends,

WHAT? That's the opposite of what OP is doing. It's all the suggestions of passive aggressive posts on the WhatsApp group that are designed to humiliate the bride. And OP is being sensible enough not to want to do that.

I don't see it that way. I see the OP as waiting for the bride to address this issue, so the others will see the way the OP is being treated and know it isn't her fault. She doesn't want to look bad by backing out. But it really doesn't matter. These people don't care about her, she isn't important to them. Whatever reason the bride gives, they will accept it. Like the guy who ghosted her for no reason. She really needs to walk away and give these people no more thought.

burnoutbabe · 10/02/2023 23:25

They are probably all waiting for you to leave the group. And as you aren't I imagine they will have just set up another group up discuss Jen logistics without raising any awkward conversation with you.

Inkpotlover · 11/02/2023 08:33

Aperolsprizter · 10/02/2023 18:05

Hey,
I’ve made it clear to the MIL what has happened, she will have told MOH who is dealing with the hen finances too. At this point I’ve made the decision not to go back to communicate.

as for the ghosting - yes was weird at the time but a very light connection. Not heartbroken or worried in the same way I was over a childhood friend ghosting me (although I agree ite strange and something probs been said)

You've made the right decision, OP. If the MIL knows what's happened, said the bride 'will be in touch' and the bride is STILL ghosting you, there's really no point bothering with any further communication. I do think at some point the bride will regret what she's done and will get in touch, because she has form for it, but I hope you have the strength to tell her to get lost.

Rubix289 · 11/02/2023 11:47

I would personally remove myself from the group chat, her off all social media, delete her number. I wouldn’t even block her - because if she’s ignoring you anyway, it might just look petty. It does show however; that you’re no longer willing to tolerate her behaviour. It’s a nasty way to treat someone.

If you have contributed towards things like bridesmaid outfits, hen night etc, I’d send her an invoice or ask for the stuff if she has it. If you paid for it- it’s yours. It’s only fair you get the chance to get some of your money back. That might be a bit petty but I don’t think so.

ok so I know you want to leave the door open for her - or that’s the vibe I’m getting. OP, It’s natural to miss a friendship you thought you had, but this person clearly does not view you the same way. Has any of your mutual friends given an opinion? I have to be honest, I really couldn’t tolerate watching a friend do this to another person the way your supposed friend has treated you. It just seems so needless and cruel. Careful around those people in your friend group too. I certainly would be asking why a friend was constantly left out, avoided, excluded from group chats.

I wouldn’t be keeping any doors open for her either. I’m sorry, once I can find grace and understanding - but more than that? No. You don’t get to keep engaging in behaviours like this with others, to pick up and drop when you choose. You’re setting this precedence that you want to be friends with this person so much that you’re willing to jump (in her mind) and it’s disgusting that she treats you this way. I’m not the best communicator myself, it’s something I’m forever working on, but I couldn’t treat someone like that. You’ve done everything right. This person is just well, not a good person. If you’ve done something and she’s not willing to address it, then she’s a coward for leaving you to hang on. There’s nothing wrong with walking away and saying nothing sometimes - this is one of those situations. You deserve better. When she crawls back - don’t respond. Not to be nasty, but to save YOUR emotional/mental well-being. This stuff drains on you.

Rubix289 · 11/02/2023 12:06

Actually,

Having just read more and more of this… you know what OP, speak up for yourself. If you have them on social media - hell, say it there. Not my go to usually, but this person is BULLYING YOU. She’s literally trying to ostracise you from others to the point she’s effecting your dating life?! No. That’s not ok. Hands down I’ve dropped a mate for this type of crap before. That’s disgusting. Call that shit out and expose her for what a horrible person she is. Those friends that are mutual and in that chat, all those people in there who say nothing are no better.

User45378754 · 11/02/2023 17:00

She sounds like she is someone that always needs someone within their sights - so once she has chewed you up and spat you out it will be someone else - probably one of the other bridesmaids (if they haven’t experienced it already).

dogmandu · 13/02/2023 09:50

@saraclara

The problem with mumsnet is that people often want posters to up the ante, because threads on here are a bit like soap operas. That's a need among some posters to encourage a bit of drama and have their favorite character 'win'.

But real life is more complicated, and strategies like this carry risks that the people behind their screens aren't going to have to deal with when it all goes wrong.

So, so true! And the advice given is often all about revenge, but with a total disregard for little children involved and their lives being turned upside down.

SunflowerTed · 13/02/2023 10:45

Companyofwolves · 10/02/2023 15:26

This is perfect.

She will still lie & dispute this to her hens but it will show to them that you are genuinely a good person, meant her no harm, have done nothing wrong & means people won’t gossip & accuse you of ghosting her or just not showing up - which I think would be weird.

Show quote history

Agree. Perfect wording

ilovechocolate07 · 13/02/2023 11:05

You're being treated poorly and the friendship is over. What would you advise us or a friend in this situation? I would cut all contact. If she wants £ for the dress then she can come to you for it.

Ladyofthelake53 · 13/02/2023 11:20

Id leave the group then she will have to get in touch id have thought. Leave the ball in her court

Mothership4two · 13/02/2023 11:24

I would put something in writing to the bride detailing exactly what's happened and, because of how she has acted, you are not going and so you are not expecting to fork out any more. Make sure there is a clear timeline. Be clear and concise. You don't want to have to get into a bun fight about your costs after the wedding.

I know you don't want to do this and want her to come to you to explain but you may end up with her saying she expected you there and here's your invoice thank you very much

Rainbowsparkles29 · 13/02/2023 11:40

dogmandu · 13/02/2023 09:50

@saraclara

The problem with mumsnet is that people often want posters to up the ante, because threads on here are a bit like soap operas. That's a need among some posters to encourage a bit of drama and have their favorite character 'win'.

But real life is more complicated, and strategies like this carry risks that the people behind their screens aren't going to have to deal with when it all goes wrong.

So, so true! And the advice given is often all about revenge, but with a total disregard for little children involved and their lives being turned upside down.

Most of the advice isn't to spark things up though. Most people are basically telling OP to stop feeding the drama-llama and just walk away from this none-friend. It's just she doesn't seem to be accepting of this advice