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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want him to have our daughter alone?

198 replies

cunderthunt1 · 07/02/2023 05:59

My baby's dad (a story)

Is 15 years my senior. Were together 2 years, Had unprotected sex with me the whole time knowing I wouldn't have an abortion. When I fell pregnant (told him in the car) he drove like a maniac cause he was stressed/ didn't want a baby (lol). Drove to his flat, made it clear he wants me to have an abortion to which I got angry. He then followed me round his flat into every room while I was trying to get away from him to calm down. Started getting nasty saying I'd be a shit mum, nothing like his first baby's mum. Omg my life sounds like an episode of eastenders. This nastiness carried on for a few weeks over text & email (because I blocked his texts). Said he doesn't want anything to do with me or the baby. Basically a bullying campaign into getting me to have an abortion. Eventually this stopped and he apologised, said he would change bla bla. Still continued to argue with me (bout various other things) during my pregnancy. Said he didn't want me to live with him. Over xmas an ex popped up to me asking bout my life etc explained my situation and he said he would look after me bla bla. Baby's dad found out and, sounds a bit dramatic but, literally held me captive in his car. (I'm 6/7 months pregnant at this point). Was banging his hand on the steering wheel, beeping, writing "slag" on the windscreen condensation being a general cunt. Went for a drive and again drove like a maniac. I ended up just jumping out the car in traffic and walking into a park, he followed me got out the car and wouldn't let me past I'm shouting at the top of his lungs that I'm a slag. Wouldnt let me go home for over an hour, I was walking round just tryna shake him. A car full of boys started hollering at me from their car and pulled up just in front of me so I got scared and turned around (towards baby dad) and said please leave me alone I'm scared of these guys to which he went up to them saying "you want some of her? Come get some, she's pregnant". This whole saga ended with me just sitting on the pavement because I could no longer walk my hips were hurting and eventually he let me walk home (was parked outside my house when I got there but didn't do anything). He didn't tell anyone he was having a baby the whole time I was pregnant. Turned up at my birth causing such a scene outside that the midwives thought I was in an abusive relationship and wouldn't leave me alone with him. (He was making a scene because I didn't want him at the birth, something that was already planned and discussed and he was fine with). He eventually told his mum after we'd registered our daughter when she was 1 month old that he had a baby. Since having her he's been useless. I'm a single mum obvs so I do all the work but he didn't contribute financially for the first 4 months. Uses the fact he pays me £100 a month (eventually) against me. Argues with me in front of our daughter and in public. Doesn't really show her any attention when he is with her. Doesn't ask about her or how she's doing when we're on good terms, but when we're on bad he asks about her constantly like he's just doing it to keep me talking to him.

Theres more but honestly I'm grateful for anyone to have even read all of that bollocks ^

Reason for this post is, I told him he can see her whenever he wants but that I don't want him to have her on his own. He went ballistic, turned up at my house when I wasn't there, crying and shouting in my driveway, slagged me off to my mum and family. Told loads of lies like he always does. Ended with him eventually agreeing to leave (I was home with daughter at this point) but he kept putting his leg in the door to stop me shutting it. Threw him out the house, he came charging back in fucked my hand up pushing the door on it screaming in my face not to do that to him bla bla

Do I really not have a right to tell this man I don't trust him alone with my daughter? AIBU? I don't think he's a bad dad as such, when he is with her, I just think he's not that bothered & also I'm not sure what lengths he's prepared to go to to piss me off

OP posts:
romdowa · 07/02/2023 06:04

He's sounds like an absolute lunatic. Why haven't you called the police when he's kept you against your will , going nutty outside your house or any of the other things?

Original poster
cunderthunt1 · 07/02/2023 06:05

I have thought about it/ threatened it but it isn't really a done thing in my family I'd probably get a lot of stick for it. I really wanted to this last time

OP posts:
KickHimInTheCrotch · 07/02/2023 06:06

He is abusive to you and has been throughout your pregnancy. This makes him a very bad dad. You need to protect yourself and your child from this man.

Do you have anyone in real life to talk to? Family or a friend who can help you see how badly you and your child are being treated and help you get professional support to stop him having contact at all?

Original poster
cunderthunt1 · 07/02/2023 06:09

He says the stuff he did to me when I was pregnant isn't an excuse because it didn't effect our daughter???? But of course it did do men not understand biology.

I do have people around me (Ty for asking). I just am very wary of stopping him from seeing her because I don't want her to ever grow up and resent me or whatever. But right now, as things are, I don't want him to have her on his own

I didn't think I was being unreasonable but he's making me feel like I am

OP posts:
ShandaLear · 07/02/2023 06:09

You need to call the police next time anything happens. You’re endangering your child by having her anywhere near him. Go through CMS so you get The money you’re entitled to for your daughter’s care.

BadNomad · 07/02/2023 06:11

You're going to have to start reporting him to the police if you want the courts to agree that he shouldn't have unsupervised access. Otherwise you won't really be able to stop him. If he's on the birth certificate, then he has PR and will probably make your life hell.

DaveyJonesLocker · 07/02/2023 06:15

Jesus christ he is dangerous.
You need to go the police and get a restraining order and all contact needs to be in a contact center.

Take control for your daughters sake.

Wallywobbles · 07/02/2023 06:18

Thé only way to stop him having access to his child, if he on the birth certificate, is to record every single incident with the police. And even then he will probably get it. Sorry but hoping for the best isn't a winning strategy.

Do you breastfeed? Because that will give you a lot more say on length of time.

Do you have a relationship with his mother? Might it be her pushing for access?

Wallywobbles · 07/02/2023 06:19

cunderthunt1 · 07/02/2023 06:09

He says the stuff he did to me when I was pregnant isn't an excuse because it didn't effect our daughter???? But of course it did do men not understand biology.

I do have people around me (Ty for asking). I just am very wary of stopping him from seeing her because I don't want her to ever grow up and resent me or whatever. But right now, as things are, I don't want him to have her on his own

I didn't think I was being unreasonable but he's making me feel like I am

There's about 18 years before she starts blaming you for that. And I'd say she's more likely to be asking why you let him have access.

Original poster
cunderthunt1 · 07/02/2023 06:20

I do breastfeed which has been a good excuse up til now but really he could have her for a couple hours on his own I just don't want him to. The weekend before this incident he had her at his mum and dads which I was more than happy about, and wanted to do again this weekend but he lied and said his mum was ill. Which I found out was bs when I rang her to ask her to get him to leave me house and she was at work :)

He lies to his mum, makes out like me and him are fine etc so I don't think she knows the half of it. I'm not allowed to talk to his mum/ dad about what goes on because "they're old"

OP posts:
MadeofElephantStone · 07/02/2023 06:20

The midwives thought you were in an abusive relationship because you were. It's a shame you can't ser it for what it is. You should have started with calling the police a long time ago, it's not too late to do this now and every other time in future that he is abusive to you!

You need to protect you and your child from this monster. She will not hate you because you removed yourself from domestic violence, in fact it will be an important message for her that relationships should not be like this and she doesn't have to accept it or downplay it if she is unfortunate to encounter a cunt like her father in future.

Please get some support from your health visitor (they likely would have recorded the incident at the hospital, I'm surprised they didn't alert social services) and Women's Aid. I think you need to start taking this a bit more seriously before he hurts you and your child.

Original poster
cunderthunt1 · 07/02/2023 06:21

(He is on birth certificate btw)

OP posts:
monitor1 · 07/02/2023 06:22

"Had unprotected sex with me the whole time knowing I wouldn't have an abortion"

did you not also have unprotected sex with him? You write it as if you had no choice, did he rape you? If so it's not too late to go to the police. You were an idiot to put him on the BC but it's done now. I would report every incident of abuse to the police and self refer to social services re him.

Original poster
cunderthunt1 · 07/02/2023 06:24

monitor1 · 07/02/2023 06:22

"Had unprotected sex with me the whole time knowing I wouldn't have an abortion"

did you not also have unprotected sex with him? You write it as if you had no choice, did he rape you? If so it's not too late to go to the police. You were an idiot to put him on the BC but it's done now. I would report every incident of abuse to the police and self refer to social services re him.

No absolutely not. I (naively) wanted a baby with him

OP posts:
Toddlerteaplease · 07/02/2023 06:24

Also don't get involved with he Ex. Why is he so keen to support you and someone else's baby. Bit late now, but you could have taken responsibility for contraception, if you knew he wouldn't.

Original poster
cunderthunt1 · 07/02/2023 06:24

We did speak about having kids etc

OP posts:
Original poster
cunderthunt1 · 07/02/2023 06:31

Toddlerteaplease · 07/02/2023 06:24

Also don't get involved with he Ex. Why is he so keen to support you and someone else's baby. Bit late now, but you could have taken responsibility for contraception, if you knew he wouldn't.

Oh yeah this was Xmas before last

OP posts:
N1Co · 07/02/2023 06:35

Turned up at my birth causing such a scene outside that the midwives thought I was in an abusive relationship
…You were.

Step away from him and do everything via proper routes (contact centres etc).

Be very very wary of your other ex too. Honestly while you’re figuring everything out just stay single. You didn’t even recognise you were in an abuse relationship, don’t go jumping into another bad choice.

Original poster
cunderthunt1 · 07/02/2023 06:38

Honestly I'm so happy to be single for the rest of my life 😂 a lot of this stuff happened last year, we haven't been together for a while I've just been focusing on my daughter. But all this shit this weekend has just got me thinking. I definitely downplay things because I know people / have seen people go through much worse but still doesn't make it right

OP posts:
NerrSnerr · 07/02/2023 06:38

You say you didn't call the police because that's not what your family do. I think it's time to consider what you want for your own family- for your own child.

You need to be thinking about your child's future and making sure you do all the steps to keeps her safe. He's abusive to you so you can't risk this with your daughter and the way to help protect her is by going down the official channels. You also need to be open with the health visitor and tell her the whole story and everything he has done.

Twotinydictators · 07/02/2023 06:43

Your life does sound like an episode of Eastenders. Big cycle of drama that I can only think people must actually enjoy or why else would they put up with it.

Your daughter deserves better than this, I cannot understand why would you have actively chosen this man to have a child with?

PP is absolutely right, the midwives noted you as in an abusive relationship because you are. Until you understand this, this drama will continue. Even if its not this man, it'll be another one exactly the same because they prey on women like you.

You need to wise up and learn how to stop making yourself so vulnerable. Put boundaries in place and realise your self worth or your at risk of spending your entire life like this.

Snoken · 07/02/2023 06:43

NerrSnerr · 07/02/2023 06:38

You say you didn't call the police because that's not what your family do. I think it's time to consider what you want for your own family- for your own child.

You need to be thinking about your child's future and making sure you do all the steps to keeps her safe. He's abusive to you so you can't risk this with your daughter and the way to help protect her is by going down the official channels. You also need to be open with the health visitor and tell her the whole story and everything he has done.

Exactly! Your daughter has got no chance of growing up with healthy boundaries with this idiot around. You need to set a good example for her and part of that is protecting her from this violent dick. Go to the police so that it at least is on the record and continue to report every instance of abusive behaviour. She is too small to fend for herself.

CBG34 · 07/02/2023 06:45

Completely agree with other posts on here, you need to log this with police and seriously investigate getting a court restraining order on him for your own safety and for your child.

Not only does he sound unhinged and potentially dangerous for the both of you, imagine how many other women he might treat this way in future if you don't put a stop to his behaviour now. You can get free advice and support from Citizens Advice, Womens Aid and many other groups and I'm sure the midwives will be happy to provide professional statements of what happened at the birth as evidence because they most likely will have captured in a formal incident log.

You are not being unreasonable, but please take this seriously and act now before his abusive behaviour gets even worse.

LorenzoVonMatterhorn · 07/02/2023 06:48

I don't think he's a bad dad as such
i think that is also your problem. From what you implied about your upbringing, it sounds like you do not have a decent benchmark for what a good father is. Wanting a baby with an unstable violent man too.

Why are you only getting £100 a month? Does he not work?

tbh it sounds like he will lose interest and only does what he thinks will upset you. Try not engaging. He will most likely lose interest in his child soon anyway.

CBG34 · 07/02/2023 06:49

Also, I know you mention he didn't want to use contraception while you were together, but there are many options you can take personally in this area if you don't want another pregnancy I'm the short or medium term.

Or did he prevent you from accessing contraception for yourself? E.g. the pill/ implant / coil?

If he also prevented you from accessing medical support in this area that is extremely abusive, controlling and coercive behaviour and another good reason for a restraining order (plus the many you've shared in your post above!)

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