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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want him to have our daughter alone?

198 replies

cunderthunt1 · 07/02/2023 05:59

My baby's dad (a story)

Is 15 years my senior. Were together 2 years, Had unprotected sex with me the whole time knowing I wouldn't have an abortion. When I fell pregnant (told him in the car) he drove like a maniac cause he was stressed/ didn't want a baby (lol). Drove to his flat, made it clear he wants me to have an abortion to which I got angry. He then followed me round his flat into every room while I was trying to get away from him to calm down. Started getting nasty saying I'd be a shit mum, nothing like his first baby's mum. Omg my life sounds like an episode of eastenders. This nastiness carried on for a few weeks over text & email (because I blocked his texts). Said he doesn't want anything to do with me or the baby. Basically a bullying campaign into getting me to have an abortion. Eventually this stopped and he apologised, said he would change bla bla. Still continued to argue with me (bout various other things) during my pregnancy. Said he didn't want me to live with him. Over xmas an ex popped up to me asking bout my life etc explained my situation and he said he would look after me bla bla. Baby's dad found out and, sounds a bit dramatic but, literally held me captive in his car. (I'm 6/7 months pregnant at this point). Was banging his hand on the steering wheel, beeping, writing "slag" on the windscreen condensation being a general cunt. Went for a drive and again drove like a maniac. I ended up just jumping out the car in traffic and walking into a park, he followed me got out the car and wouldn't let me past I'm shouting at the top of his lungs that I'm a slag. Wouldnt let me go home for over an hour, I was walking round just tryna shake him. A car full of boys started hollering at me from their car and pulled up just in front of me so I got scared and turned around (towards baby dad) and said please leave me alone I'm scared of these guys to which he went up to them saying "you want some of her? Come get some, she's pregnant". This whole saga ended with me just sitting on the pavement because I could no longer walk my hips were hurting and eventually he let me walk home (was parked outside my house when I got there but didn't do anything). He didn't tell anyone he was having a baby the whole time I was pregnant. Turned up at my birth causing such a scene outside that the midwives thought I was in an abusive relationship and wouldn't leave me alone with him. (He was making a scene because I didn't want him at the birth, something that was already planned and discussed and he was fine with). He eventually told his mum after we'd registered our daughter when she was 1 month old that he had a baby. Since having her he's been useless. I'm a single mum obvs so I do all the work but he didn't contribute financially for the first 4 months. Uses the fact he pays me £100 a month (eventually) against me. Argues with me in front of our daughter and in public. Doesn't really show her any attention when he is with her. Doesn't ask about her or how she's doing when we're on good terms, but when we're on bad he asks about her constantly like he's just doing it to keep me talking to him.

Theres more but honestly I'm grateful for anyone to have even read all of that bollocks ^

Reason for this post is, I told him he can see her whenever he wants but that I don't want him to have her on his own. He went ballistic, turned up at my house when I wasn't there, crying and shouting in my driveway, slagged me off to my mum and family. Told loads of lies like he always does. Ended with him eventually agreeing to leave (I was home with daughter at this point) but he kept putting his leg in the door to stop me shutting it. Threw him out the house, he came charging back in fucked my hand up pushing the door on it screaming in my face not to do that to him bla bla

Do I really not have a right to tell this man I don't trust him alone with my daughter? AIBU? I don't think he's a bad dad as such, when he is with her, I just think he's not that bothered & also I'm not sure what lengths he's prepared to go to to piss me off

OP posts:
LorenzoVonMatterhorn · 07/02/2023 06:52

CBG34 · 07/02/2023 06:49

Also, I know you mention he didn't want to use contraception while you were together, but there are many options you can take personally in this area if you don't want another pregnancy I'm the short or medium term.

Or did he prevent you from accessing contraception for yourself? E.g. the pill/ implant / coil?

If he also prevented you from accessing medical support in this area that is extremely abusive, controlling and coercive behaviour and another good reason for a restraining order (plus the many you've shared in your post above!)

No op said she wanted a baby with him. She wanted to get pregnant.

BambinoBlue · 07/02/2023 06:54

cunderthunt1 · 07/02/2023 06:21

(He is on birth certificate btw)

What were you thinking? 😔 By allowing him to go on the birth certificate, you have yourself given him completely equal parental rights and responsibilities to you. You can't ever remove him now. The parental rights were yours alone until you gave them to him too. Did nobody explain this to you? 😔

As others have said, you can only limit his contact through the police and the courts for abuse.

Your daughter deserves better than to be in a constant soap episode. You have to act to get yourself out of this situation.

Where are your friends and family? Has he already done a good job of isolating you so he can continue this abuse?

Original poster
cunderthunt1 · 07/02/2023 06:56

LorenzoVonMatterhorn · 07/02/2023 06:48

I don't think he's a bad dad as such
i think that is also your problem. From what you implied about your upbringing, it sounds like you do not have a decent benchmark for what a good father is. Wanting a baby with an unstable violent man too.

Why are you only getting £100 a month? Does he not work?

tbh it sounds like he will lose interest and only does what he thinks will upset you. Try not engaging. He will most likely lose interest in his child soon anyway.

I don't disagree with you.
Yh he does work but isn't earning much at his current job, apparently, and will give me more when things change, apparently.

OP posts:
N1Co · 07/02/2023 06:57

You say you didn't call the police because that's not what your family do. I think it's time to consider what you want for your own family- for your own child.
This is so true. You’re basically facing two different pathways for your child based on your choice of actions and attitude - one where she thinks being around abusive behaviour is the norm, or one where she sees a strong mother modelling that she deserves better and is worth more. It’s up to you which future you pick.

LorenzoVonMatterhorn · 07/02/2023 06:57

cunderthunt1 · 07/02/2023 06:56

I don't disagree with you.
Yh he does work but isn't earning much at his current job, apparently, and will give me more when things change, apparently.

Show quote history

tbh id go through cms with him as he abusive and is using it as a form of control.

N1Co · 07/02/2023 06:59

cunderthunt1 · 07/02/2023 06:56

I don't disagree with you.
Yh he does work but isn't earning much at his current job, apparently, and will give me more when things change, apparently.

Show quote history

Did you allow him to decide this or did you go through CMS?

Original poster
cunderthunt1 · 07/02/2023 07:01

I let him decide. I don't desperately need his money. I think I have been a fucking Samaritan considering he's made my life hell for the last 2 years

OP posts:
GrumpyPanda · 07/02/2023 07:01

If he doesn't leave your house when you ask him to, then he shouldn't be there in the first place.

Original poster
cunderthunt1 · 07/02/2023 07:04

It's not the first time he's done that either. My family let him in - said they definitely won't be doing it again. (I live at home) been trying to get a flat for over a year but I live in a sought after area and no one wants to choose a single mum on benefits :/

OP posts:
HoppingPavlova · 07/02/2023 07:19

Honestly you are coming across as a martyr. You need to cut this drama and involve police, get a restraining order which can more easily lead to supervised contact in a contact centre. Also claim CMS.

Why you have done none of this is baffling.

fairywhale · 07/02/2023 07:22

Don't leave your daughter with this highly abusive nutter

PonyPatter44 · 07/02/2023 07:26

There's obviously a lot going on here, since you still live at home, but you've been trying to get pregnant for two years by a violent deranged man 25 years older than you, that you don't even live with. What was your idea at that point - did you not want to be in a proper relationship and live with him first, before you got pregnant?

Aren't your family bothered about this lunatic capering around their house? I know you say they're not the sort to phone the police...but maybe they need to!

PonyPatter44 · 07/02/2023 07:27

15 years, not 25, sorry

Original poster
cunderthunt1 · 07/02/2023 07:34

I wouldn't say I was been trying but certainly wasn't not trying. I have been a grade a moron I can't lie but I'm so happy with my daughter just wish he could let me be happy

OP posts:
MadeofElephantStone · 07/02/2023 07:36

How old are you OP? You're coming across as quite young and under the influence of older people around you; older ex, parents etc, acceptingwhat they are all telling you re CMS and not contacting police/letting him near you without challenging any of it with your own thoughts and beliefs, you are perfectly entitled to have and exert them.

I think you would benefit from some external support from someone/people not close to you to help explore your situation and the culture around you that has led you to being detached from domestic violence and to make poor decisions.

Please reach out to the organisation's already suggested.

Davepartyof3 · 07/02/2023 07:39

The midwives thought you were in an abusive relationship because you were! He sounds appalling and criminal. Please report these past actions to the police.

AllOfThemWitches · 07/02/2023 07:46

Twotinydictators · 07/02/2023 06:43

Your life does sound like an episode of Eastenders. Big cycle of drama that I can only think people must actually enjoy or why else would they put up with it.

Your daughter deserves better than this, I cannot understand why would you have actively chosen this man to have a child with?

PP is absolutely right, the midwives noted you as in an abusive relationship because you are. Until you understand this, this drama will continue. Even if its not this man, it'll be another one exactly the same because they prey on women like you.

You need to wise up and learn how to stop making yourself so vulnerable. Put boundaries in place and realise your self worth or your at risk of spending your entire life like this.

Disgusting. Women don't have abusive relationships because they love the drama.

Original poster
cunderthunt1 · 07/02/2023 07:46

MadeofElephantStone · 07/02/2023 07:36

How old are you OP? You're coming across as quite young and under the influence of older people around you; older ex, parents etc, acceptingwhat they are all telling you re CMS and not contacting police/letting him near you without challenging any of it with your own thoughts and beliefs, you are perfectly entitled to have and exert them.

I think you would benefit from some external support from someone/people not close to you to help explore your situation and the culture around you that has led you to being detached from domestic violence and to make poor decisions.

Please reach out to the organisation's already suggested.

I'm 23, certainly not a child but yes I think there is an element of being surrounded by elders and feeling like I have to follow their rules etc. I'd never thought of that before

OP posts:
Original poster
cunderthunt1 · 07/02/2023 07:46

Davepartyof3 · 07/02/2023 07:39

The midwives thought you were in an abusive relationship because you were! He sounds appalling and criminal. Please report these past actions to the police.

Which things are you referring to cause I have a bad problem of underplaying things / excusing them

OP posts:
Original poster
cunderthunt1 · 07/02/2023 07:51

@Twotinydictators didn't see this reply. I don't completely disagree with you. I certainly don't love the drama but I think when you grow up with drama you think it's the norm/ excuse people's behaviours. Hence why I made this thread to get other views, so thank you for your reply

OP posts:
Sunriseinwonderland · 07/02/2023 07:55

You need to call the police and get an injunction in place asap. Dont let him in your life or near your baby.

Justcallmebebes · 07/02/2023 07:56

Don't think he's a bad dad as such?? He's a fucking terrible example of a father and you will be failing in your duty as a mother to protect her if you let this psycho anywhere near her.

Start taking this seriously, seek help and get this man out of your lives

gogohmm · 07/02/2023 07:57

You have some good advice here but for your own sake also work on your own self esteem and get long term birth control until you have a partner who wants kids, he obviously didn't. What were you thinking?

Newnamefor23 · 07/02/2023 07:58

Your relationship with the father is not going to improve, leopards spots etc.

You need to report incidents as and when. For everyones sake.

You are going to need official help - not to mention money.

There are times when we all need help, protection. Hoping things will sort themselves out is a nice idea but, here, is not realistic.

All the best.

Perfect28 · 07/02/2023 07:59

Oh love the midwives thought it was an abusive relationship because it was.

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