To not want him to have our daughter alone?

[cunderthunt1]

My baby's dad (a story)

Is 15 years my senior. Were together 2 years, Had unprotected sex with me the whole time knowing I wouldn't have an abortion. When I fell pregnant (told him in the car) he drove like a maniac cause he was stressed/ didn't want a baby (lol). Drove to his flat, made it clear he wants me to have an abortion to which I got angry. He then followed me round his flat into every room while I was trying to get away from him to calm down. Started getting nasty saying I'd be a shit mum, nothing like his first baby's mum. Omg my life sounds like an episode of eastenders. This nastiness carried on for a few weeks over text & email (because I blocked his texts). Said he doesn't want anything to do with me or the baby. Basically a bullying campaign into getting me to have an abortion. Eventually this stopped and he apologised, said he would change bla bla. Still continued to argue with me (bout various other things) during my pregnancy. Said he didn't want me to live with him. Over xmas an ex popped up to me asking bout my life etc explained my situation and he said he would look after me bla bla. Baby's dad found out and, sounds a bit dramatic but, literally held me captive in his car. (I'm 6/7 months pregnant at this point). Was banging his hand on the steering wheel, beeping, writing "slag" on the windscreen condensation being a general cunt. Went for a drive and again drove like a maniac. I ended up just jumping out the car in traffic and walking into a park, he followed me got out the car and wouldn't let me past I'm shouting at the top of his lungs that I'm a slag. Wouldnt let me go home for over an hour, I was walking round just tryna shake him. A car full of boys started hollering at me from their car and pulled up just in front of me so I got scared and turned around (towards baby dad) and said please leave me alone I'm scared of these guys to which he went up to them saying "you want some of her? Come get some, she's pregnant". This whole saga ended with me just sitting on the pavement because I could no longer walk my hips were hurting and eventually he let me walk home (was parked outside my house when I got there but didn't do anything). He didn't tell anyone he was having a baby the whole time I was pregnant. Turned up at my birth causing such a scene outside that the midwives thought I was in an abusive relationship and wouldn't leave me alone with him. (He was making a scene because I didn't want him at the birth, something that was already planned and discussed and he was fine with). He eventually told his mum after we'd registered our daughter when she was 1 month old that he had a baby. Since having her he's been useless. I'm a single mum obvs so I do all the work but he didn't contribute financially for the first 4 months. Uses the fact he pays me £100 a month (eventually) against me. Argues with me in front of our daughter and in public. Doesn't really show her any attention when he is with her. Doesn't ask about her or how she's doing when we're on good terms, but when we're on bad he asks about her constantly like he's just doing it to keep me talking to him.

Theres more but honestly I'm grateful for anyone to have even read all of that bollocks ^

Reason for this post is, I told him he can see her whenever he wants but that I don't want him to have her on his own. He went ballistic, turned up at my house when I wasn't there, crying and shouting in my driveway, slagged me off to my mum and family. Told loads of lies like he always does. Ended with him eventually agreeing to leave (I was home with daughter at this point) but he kept putting his leg in the door to stop me shutting it. Threw him out the house, he came charging back in fucked my hand up pushing the door on it screaming in my face not to do that to him bla bla

Do I really not have a right to tell this man I don't trust him alone with my daughter? AIBU? I don't think he's a bad dad as such, when he is with her, I just think he's not that bothered & also I'm not sure what lengths he's prepared to go to to piss me off

Not bad all the time isnt good enough.
There should be zero abuse.

people talk about the coffee analogy on here.

would you drink a cup of coffee that was made 50% coffee and 50% faeces?

or maybe just 10% shit? would you drink it?

even 5%, 1% - what amount of shit would you accept someone putting into your cup and expecting you to be happy with it?

same for relationships.

It is possible for there to be zero abuse. In fact, most people have relationships with zero abuse. It doesnt mean that they dont disagree or argue, but what he is doing isnt arguing.

Its often difficult to understand the difference, especially if you have grown up in a family where you have not been given the emotional education around healthy boundaries. That makes you prey for abusers, as their abuse seems normal.

www.jennisspace.com/the-shark-cage-metaphor-spotting-potential-abusers/

That’s a good chunk saved, have you considered part but part rent?

The ‘part rent’ is subsidised so it’s actually cheaper overall (quite substantially) than commercial rents or buying outright, and people in your situation tend to be better prioritised. A friend of mine did it.

If you find a 2 bed flat for example for 200k, you buy 25% (or more, depending on the property) and put down a 10% deposit for that amount by way of a mortgage… £5k in this example. That way it’s your own property to an extent, it’s secure because the part rent is housing association, and you have a foot on the ladder.

Absolutely do not leave him alone with your daughter. He's a lunatic and I would trust him to make a cup of tea let alone look after a child. Sounds like he has some real issues.

Report to the police and file for non molestation order. You need to stop this man having your child in any other setting than a contact centre. if this goes to court, you will need to prove the abuse and also you need to ask for a psychology assessment as this is not normal behaviour.

@Newmum0322 I will look into that, thank you

Maybe protect your daughter from this lunatic?!

Also saying that you've never called the police because it's not the done thing in your family, makes it seem as though there's been instances with other family members where they should have called the police and haven't. You have to be the cycle breaker, your family are enabling the abuse because they don't "snitch" well I'm sorry you have to.

unfortubately if you don't break the cycle your daughter will grow up thinking this sort of thing is normal and when she grows up and a man treats her this way she won't have the confidence to stand up for herself. Call the police if she has to because "it's not the done thing in our family" it has to be from now on. You and your daughter are your family now. Break the rules and rewrite your future.

I grew up watching my mum be in a domestically abusive relationship. And guess what me and my younger sister. Both had a baby young-ish and both with physically abusive men. I wasn't allowing that cycle of abuse to continue. We're not going to be generation after generation of abused women, now I'm engaged to someone who wouldn't say boo to a goose. Better is out there. Don't think this man is anything to you, he's needs to go. Fast.

Writing slag on the condensation of the window and you say he's 15 years older than you. So even if you're 16 which I'm sure you're older than that he's 31. At the very least. He has the mental age of a teenager apparently. That's something I would expect from a hormonal 14 year old to do. Even that would be unacceptable behaviour

He absolutely behaves like a child. 100%. Some very odd behaviours

Contact Women's Aid.

If you suspect you're going to downplay this horrible man's abuse show them what you have written here.

@WestwardHo1 I did I included the link to this thread in the email, slightly regretting my username but hey ho

This.

When you contact WA, explain to them that your family cannot keep you and your daughter safe at your current address due to their skewed views on abuse. See if they can help you secure some short term accommodation, ideally far away from the toxicity of the relationships with your family and ex so that you can start to clear your mind and work on establishing healthier ideas and boundaries. I believe it will be difficult for you to break that cycle of abuse if you are still surrounded by its influences.

Also, a young friend of mine was made a priority for housing with her young child when she was in a similar situation to yours; abusive ex and unsupportive parents. She was only able to access this after reporting him to the police/health visitor/ social services who were then able to support her claims. Please reach out to officials and ask for their help.

What a shitty thing to say to an abused woman.

Op doesn't recognise any of this as abuse because of her upbringing.

She has reached out on here and asked for help, and she has sought help from WA now too.

She is trying hard under difficult circumstances.

Do you often come online to find abused women and tell them their kids should be adopted, or was this your first time?

@FourAndTwentyBlackbirdsBakedInAPie thank you

Because social services put children first not the parents or atleast they should do. This child’s story is the story of many children in care. An abusive dad and a mother who couldn’t recognise the danger they were in and failed to protect the child because of their own issues with accepting abuse. I think the op needs a massive wake up call to prioritise her daughter. I feel so sorry for this baby.

I agree I've been naive and slow off the mark, but I am not a bad mum

I am shocked that you chose to have a baby when you had no home of your own/decent income, not married where at least you have some rights, and with a very abusive man.
Then you have stayed. I am truly amazed and cannot understand why.
Whats done is done, but you really need to get away from him and follow your instincts to keep you DD far away from him.
He is not a good dad, he is an abuser and he WILL turn on her when she starts to be cheeky. as all toddlers do.

Please take the good advice here and log every incident, stay far away..

Then focus on developing your career and working out how to properly support youself and DD as you will never be able to rely on him.

Lastly get iron clad contraception. I wish you and your DD the best of luck.

Your priority is to safeguard your child OP.

If you let him have care of her, you are knowingly putting her at risk and social services can and do remove children from unsafe environments (thankfully)

@SoShallINever thank you. The point of this thread is that I don't let him have access to her without someone else present, and he doesn't like this

OP, don't listen to that. Of course your daughter is not better off being adopted, what a horrible thing to say. She has a mother who loves her and has protected her by ending the relationship and refusing to allow this abusive man to have unsupervised access.

Obviously there is more work to be done but you are clearly on the right track to recognising just how serious his behaviour is. You can make a better life for yourself and your daughter. Good luck.

Please get the police involved. The families who genuinely don't get the police involved in their business have this philosophy because they are tight knit and protect their own. Where are your anti-police family when you ex is playing up? Get the police involved, this is what they are for. You need to protect yourself and your dc.

@VitaminX Thank you

This is very true. I feel unbelievably let down by my family after what took place. I will absolutely be phoning the police if anything like this happens again