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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want him to have our daughter alone?

198 replies

cunderthunt1 · 07/02/2023 05:59

My baby's dad (a story)

Is 15 years my senior. Were together 2 years, Had unprotected sex with me the whole time knowing I wouldn't have an abortion. When I fell pregnant (told him in the car) he drove like a maniac cause he was stressed/ didn't want a baby (lol). Drove to his flat, made it clear he wants me to have an abortion to which I got angry. He then followed me round his flat into every room while I was trying to get away from him to calm down. Started getting nasty saying I'd be a shit mum, nothing like his first baby's mum. Omg my life sounds like an episode of eastenders. This nastiness carried on for a few weeks over text & email (because I blocked his texts). Said he doesn't want anything to do with me or the baby. Basically a bullying campaign into getting me to have an abortion. Eventually this stopped and he apologised, said he would change bla bla. Still continued to argue with me (bout various other things) during my pregnancy. Said he didn't want me to live with him. Over xmas an ex popped up to me asking bout my life etc explained my situation and he said he would look after me bla bla. Baby's dad found out and, sounds a bit dramatic but, literally held me captive in his car. (I'm 6/7 months pregnant at this point). Was banging his hand on the steering wheel, beeping, writing "slag" on the windscreen condensation being a general cunt. Went for a drive and again drove like a maniac. I ended up just jumping out the car in traffic and walking into a park, he followed me got out the car and wouldn't let me past I'm shouting at the top of his lungs that I'm a slag. Wouldnt let me go home for over an hour, I was walking round just tryna shake him. A car full of boys started hollering at me from their car and pulled up just in front of me so I got scared and turned around (towards baby dad) and said please leave me alone I'm scared of these guys to which he went up to them saying "you want some of her? Come get some, she's pregnant". This whole saga ended with me just sitting on the pavement because I could no longer walk my hips were hurting and eventually he let me walk home (was parked outside my house when I got there but didn't do anything). He didn't tell anyone he was having a baby the whole time I was pregnant. Turned up at my birth causing such a scene outside that the midwives thought I was in an abusive relationship and wouldn't leave me alone with him. (He was making a scene because I didn't want him at the birth, something that was already planned and discussed and he was fine with). He eventually told his mum after we'd registered our daughter when she was 1 month old that he had a baby. Since having her he's been useless. I'm a single mum obvs so I do all the work but he didn't contribute financially for the first 4 months. Uses the fact he pays me £100 a month (eventually) against me. Argues with me in front of our daughter and in public. Doesn't really show her any attention when he is with her. Doesn't ask about her or how she's doing when we're on good terms, but when we're on bad he asks about her constantly like he's just doing it to keep me talking to him.

Theres more but honestly I'm grateful for anyone to have even read all of that bollocks ^

Reason for this post is, I told him he can see her whenever he wants but that I don't want him to have her on his own. He went ballistic, turned up at my house when I wasn't there, crying and shouting in my driveway, slagged me off to my mum and family. Told loads of lies like he always does. Ended with him eventually agreeing to leave (I was home with daughter at this point) but he kept putting his leg in the door to stop me shutting it. Threw him out the house, he came charging back in fucked my hand up pushing the door on it screaming in my face not to do that to him bla bla

Do I really not have a right to tell this man I don't trust him alone with my daughter? AIBU? I don't think he's a bad dad as such, when he is with her, I just think he's not that bothered & also I'm not sure what lengths he's prepared to go to to piss me off

OP posts:
Original poster
cunderthunt1 · 07/02/2023 08:37

@N1Co thank you, I have offered this to landlords (I have 10k saved) so could pay a few months upfront but haven't had any luck yet

OP posts:
SpacePotato · 07/02/2023 08:39

You need boundries in place or in 20 years this will be your daughters life and she will think this is normal

This.

There is a reason this man picked a young, naive woman who was so much younger than himself. He knew you would be easy to control and abuse.

Your job now is to protect your DD.
He will use her to keep control of you, and tbh, your family don't sound much better.

Original poster
cunderthunt1 · 07/02/2023 08:40

It'd be so much easier if I didn't live at home because firstly he wouldn't know where I lived and secondly I wouldn't be "bringing shit to my parents door", which doesn't go Down well

OP posts:
jannier · 07/02/2023 08:42

cunderthunt1 · 07/02/2023 06:05

I have thought about it/ threatened it but it isn't really a done thing in my family I'd probably get a lot of stick for it. I really wanted to this last time

Is abuse normal in your family then?

Crazydoglady1980 · 07/02/2023 08:42

Speak with women’s aid and children’s social care, they will help you and your baby. They can help you keep yourselves safe and give you advise on managing contact, housing etc

LaviniasBigBloomers · 07/02/2023 08:42

cunderthunt1 · 07/02/2023 08:16

@LaviniasBigBloomers thank you for your reply. Would cms be able to help me get a flat? Because honestly I've been trying for a long time

It's counted in your income, which means you'll maybe look more attractive to a potential landlord. Shouldn't make any difference to social renters, but might help if you're looking at private rentals.

LIZS · 07/02/2023 08:45

If he wants contact tell him to go to court. Go to cms. Log every threat, harassment and refusal to leave. Such evidence will help you ensure any contact is supervised if allowed at all. Ask the council to help you find a ll accepting uc tenants. They may even have deposit guarantee schemes.

maddening · 07/02/2023 08:45

Get video evidence of his violent qnd aggressive behaviour and let him take you to court imo.

Angiemum24 · 07/02/2023 08:48
  1. You need to move.
  2. You need to get a restraining order in place.
  3. You need to get cctv and alarms for your new house.
  4. Contact an abused women charity. They will help you find a new place to live and be safe.
You can't be slow with this, this Man will do something very scary that will put you and your child's life in danger.
MoroccanRoseHChurch · 07/02/2023 08:49

Christ, I feel awful for the poor child in this

BambinoBlue · 07/02/2023 08:50

cunderthunt1 · 07/02/2023 08:40

It'd be so much easier if I didn't live at home because firstly he wouldn't know where I lived and secondly I wouldn't be "bringing shit to my parents door", which doesn't go Down well

He has equal parental rights to you as you chose to put him on the birth certificate.

Where you live is almost inconsequential in that.

This is what you should be doing instead of fixating on that:

Start the Freedom Programme immediately, either online or in person
Report his abuse to the police
Apply properly for child maintenance
Let your health visitor and GP know what has happened and how you are feeling
Quite possibly the midwives at your birth have recorded their concerns about your ex partner in your notes - this is additional evidence

When you are in a better head space because of the above, start seriously planning what you want your life to look like. What sort of job do you want to do in the future, what childhood would you like your daughter to have? THEN start planning how to get your own place to live that's based on actual solid realities.

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

jannier · 07/02/2023 08:50

cunderthunt1 · 07/02/2023 07:46

Which things are you referring to cause I have a bad problem of underplaying things / excusing them

Show quote history

Everything you've said about him. You need to read up about abuse...coercive control, imprisonment, scaring you, verbal abuse ....what have you said that wasn't abusive?

FourAndTwentyBlackbirdsBakedInAPie · 07/02/2023 08:51

If your family keep letting him in to your house and don't allow you to call the police then you should contact WA for sure.

They can help you get away from the situation of this abusive man, and the family who allows him to abuse you.

You're not safe from him in your own home.

WA can possibly help with a place in a refuge, or they can maybe assist you finding housing, they can help with your boundries, self esteem, and just having an impartial person to talk to.

jannier · 07/02/2023 08:52

cunderthunt1 · 07/02/2023 07:51

@Twotinydictators didn't see this reply. I don't completely disagree with you. I certainly don't love the drama but I think when you grow up with drama you think it's the norm/ excuse people's behaviours. Hence why I made this thread to get other views, so thank you for your reply

So you have grown up in a violent abusive atmosphere? Are you still in it?

Paq · 07/02/2023 08:54

You need a good lawyer and you need to speak to the police. He is a danger to you and your baby. I can't imagine your own upbringing for you to under react to such an extent.

I guarantee he has form for violence against women in the past.

asimileofsomesmoke · 07/02/2023 08:54

"He's not violent he's never been violent"

Apart from when all the times he's got in your face when you've been trying get away from him. And when he made you walk around for over an hour 6 months pregnant. And when he trapped you in a car and wouldn't let you leave. And when he slammed a door on your hand?

OP I think you need to have a rethink about what violence means to you. Because okay he's never punched you, but he has used his physicality to scare you and to cause you pain.

In the future, can you make a note on your phone with time, date and place every time he calls you names, tells you you're a bad mother, lies to you, threatens you, bangs doors or furniture or uses his physical presence to stop you doing something? Because all of those things are abusive and if you can keep a record that could helpful for you in the future if you ever need to prove to the police or social services that he's not to be trusted.

Imogensmumma · 07/02/2023 08:55

Please contact woman’s aid and the police your post is truly scary…. You are massively downplaying his abuse he is abusive holding you captive and not letting you leave and dangerous driving is abusive… You are a mother now you have to protect your DC…. Don’t assume he will treat tour DC better than he treated you this honestly sends chills down my spine your child is in danger

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 07/02/2023 08:56

He is violent, I’m sorry but he is.

you’re in a very dangerous situation. If I were you I’d leave the area and go a long way away and restart my life where he couldn’t find me. You’re lucky that you have savings. You have options.

Untitledsquatboulder · 07/02/2023 08:58

For now at least it might be better for you to stay living with family. I fear it will be much easier for him to kick off/refuse to leave / threaten you/hurt you if you are isolated in your own place.

He has all the hallmarks of a very nasty, dangerous man indeed.

Inkpotlover · 07/02/2023 09:03

cunderthunt1 · 07/02/2023 08:21

He is good with her I don't deny that. Probably better when I'm not there because there's no reason for him to argue then. And I like his parents and trust them with her. However I do think he's very controlling and doesn't like when things don't go his way - he's told me before if we ever split up I "better not get with anyone else" and that he's glad we had our daughter cause I'm "stuck with him forever" (in jest but still creeped me out with everything else).

It's good he's good with her, that's something. But my worry would be for how long? Is he going to throw it in her face that he didn't want a baby with you? He clearly has the capacity to inflict vicious emotional damage. Have you heard of grey rocking someone? There are lots of threads on here about it. Every time he starts to instigate an argument or starts flinging names around, grey rock him. Refuse to engage. Then repeat, repeat, repeat and hopefully, eventually, he'll run out of steam.

Original poster
cunderthunt1 · 07/02/2023 09:05

Untitledsquatboulder · 07/02/2023 08:58

For now at least it might be better for you to stay living with family. I fear it will be much easier for him to kick off/refuse to leave / threaten you/hurt you if you are isolated in your own place.

He has all the hallmarks of a very nasty, dangerous man indeed.

I agree although If I did manage to move out I certainly wouldn't be letting him know where I lived

OP posts:
PaperFun · 07/02/2023 09:05

I am shocked you stayed in touch with this monster and put him on the birth certificate given how he abused you.

I wonder if you can see the abuse.

You need to protect your daughter now.

purplefacemask · 07/02/2023 09:07

Your midwives were right, you are in an abusive relationship.

crackofdoom · 07/02/2023 09:07

Seriously not impressed with all the earlier victim blaming posts. The OP is NOT stupid, and NOT an idiot, she is a vulnerable woman who has suffered abuse, and it does sound as if her upbringing hasn't provided her with the self esteem and resilience needed to escape an obvious predator.

OP, in the absence of anybody else, you're going to have to build yourself up. YY to contacting Women's Aid and doing the Freedom Programme, and reading lots of posts about abuse in the Relationships section of Mumsnet is also very helpful!

But I would not encourage you to maintain contact with this man for your baby's sake. It sounds as if he has the potential to cause her a lot of damage- at least psychologically, if no other way. No dad at all is better than an actively harmful dad. (I made the same choice, and I'm glad I did).

OnGoldenPond · 07/02/2023 09:07

Claiming the full amount of CM you are entitled to through the CMS will enable you to save up a larger deposit which might make you a more attractive prospect for a landlord.

Anyway, it's not your money to turn down. It is due to your DD, she is entitled to it and you shouldn't be turning down the money she is owed.