To not want him to have our daughter alone?

[cunderthunt1]

My baby's dad (a story)

Is 15 years my senior. Were together 2 years, Had unprotected sex with me the whole time knowing I wouldn't have an abortion. When I fell pregnant (told him in the car) he drove like a maniac cause he was stressed/ didn't want a baby (lol). Drove to his flat, made it clear he wants me to have an abortion to which I got angry. He then followed me round his flat into every room while I was trying to get away from him to calm down. Started getting nasty saying I'd be a shit mum, nothing like his first baby's mum. Omg my life sounds like an episode of eastenders. This nastiness carried on for a few weeks over text & email (because I blocked his texts). Said he doesn't want anything to do with me or the baby. Basically a bullying campaign into getting me to have an abortion. Eventually this stopped and he apologised, said he would change bla bla. Still continued to argue with me (bout various other things) during my pregnancy. Said he didn't want me to live with him. Over xmas an ex popped up to me asking bout my life etc explained my situation and he said he would look after me bla bla. Baby's dad found out and, sounds a bit dramatic but, literally held me captive in his car. (I'm 6/7 months pregnant at this point). Was banging his hand on the steering wheel, beeping, writing "slag" on the windscreen condensation being a general cunt. Went for a drive and again drove like a maniac. I ended up just jumping out the car in traffic and walking into a park, he followed me got out the car and wouldn't let me past I'm shouting at the top of his lungs that I'm a slag. Wouldnt let me go home for over an hour, I was walking round just tryna shake him. A car full of boys started hollering at me from their car and pulled up just in front of me so I got scared and turned around (towards baby dad) and said please leave me alone I'm scared of these guys to which he went up to them saying "you want some of her? Come get some, she's pregnant". This whole saga ended with me just sitting on the pavement because I could no longer walk my hips were hurting and eventually he let me walk home (was parked outside my house when I got there but didn't do anything). He didn't tell anyone he was having a baby the whole time I was pregnant. Turned up at my birth causing such a scene outside that the midwives thought I was in an abusive relationship and wouldn't leave me alone with him. (He was making a scene because I didn't want him at the birth, something that was already planned and discussed and he was fine with). He eventually told his mum after we'd registered our daughter when she was 1 month old that he had a baby. Since having her he's been useless. I'm a single mum obvs so I do all the work but he didn't contribute financially for the first 4 months. Uses the fact he pays me £100 a month (eventually) against me. Argues with me in front of our daughter and in public. Doesn't really show her any attention when he is with her. Doesn't ask about her or how she's doing when we're on good terms, but when we're on bad he asks about her constantly like he's just doing it to keep me talking to him.

Theres more but honestly I'm grateful for anyone to have even read all of that bollocks ^

Reason for this post is, I told him he can see her whenever he wants but that I don't want him to have her on his own. He went ballistic, turned up at my house when I wasn't there, crying and shouting in my driveway, slagged me off to my mum and family. Told loads of lies like he always does. Ended with him eventually agreeing to leave (I was home with daughter at this point) but he kept putting his leg in the door to stop me shutting it. Threw him out the house, he came charging back in fucked my hand up pushing the door on it screaming in my face not to do that to him bla bla

Do I really not have a right to tell this man I don't trust him alone with my daughter? AIBU? I don't think he's a bad dad as such, when he is with her, I just think he's not that bothered & also I'm not sure what lengths he's prepared to go to to piss me off

“ they thought I was in an abusive relationship” you were/are!!

i don’t think he’s a bad dad, to treat the mother of his child in such way yes he is!!

your child needs you to be their protector/provider their guidance their biggest supporter and their safety 24/7. It’s not about you or the dad anymore it’s about your child.

he won’t care about what your child witnesses or what he puts her through as long as he makes your life a misery so it’s down to you to do the right thing by your child.

social services would help you if you appear to do the right thing they’d get you everything you needed to stay away from this man if that is what you need which it is.

if this goes on your child will one day be able to not just witness/sense and react to the behaviour your child will be able to talk about it too who ever they feel comfortable with.

my dad abused my mother infront of me, I confronted him much older and he blamed her cause that’s what they do and I never loved him how I should’ve. He’s dead now at the age of 54 and tell you what I hope my mother sleeps better at night knowing that. These men will never change. Driving around with you like an idiot not letting you out the car is all way too wrong. A normal man would be able to voice their opinion get into an argument without putting fear into it or anger to a certain degree cause we all get angry just not like that.

your child needs you to do the right thing for them.

I wouldn’t be letting him have contact with your baby at all, he’s abusive and manipulative and has the capacity to harm the baby to get at you.

It’s time for you to take responsibility and cut the drama out of your life. Phone the police each and every time he kicks off regardless of if it’s not what your family would do. The only people I know that avoid calling the police are those that thrive off drama and violence.

Your sense of what’s normal in a relationship is very skewed because of your childhood experiences but it seems you are beginning to wake up to that.
You mistakenly chose to have a baby with a violent man and now face the consequences of that naive decision. He wanted total control of you and the unborn child then and still does now the child is born. He lies and abuses you so that he keeps control.
You have to be very strong now and do the right thing to protect yourself and your baby.
He sounds like a dangerous, very unpredictable person and you are right to trust your instincts not to let him have contact with your dd on his own.
You shouldn’t have him in your home at all. Your home needs to be a safe and calm place for your dd. You need to make sure he understands your relationship is over and stick with that, making yourself as unavailable as possible on every level.
Because he has parental rights, your only course of action is to report every past incident to the police. And to contact SS immediately to tell them the history of your violent relationship and that you fear any further interactions with him due to his unpredictability and tendency to violence and abduction. They will guide you.
I think you and your dd are safer living with your parents rather than in a flat on your own where he has easier access to you both.

Getting a bit of stock is defiantly worse than him going to far and killing you, hitting and screaming at you in front of your kid, holding you and your daughter hostage, your kid growing up around this abuse, his taking off with her one day and not coming back. Yup, you're right, nothing compared to some stick fro ma shit family who don't care about yours or your kids welfare.

@cunderthunt1 the midwives we're right you are in an abusive relationship, you just haven't accepted it yet.

If you want to regain control of your life you need to get all of this on a proper legal basis.

You need to contact CMS and make a claim for child support. He can't mess you about or hold the money over your head.

Next you need to phone the police every time he kicks off, shouts threatens refuses to leave. He is nasty and abusive and you need proof of that.

You need to cut him off mentally, no more inviting him round, getting in his car, phoning or messaging. If he wants to see your daughter he can take you to court.

Women's aid will be able to help you see how bad this all is, and get proper steps in place to protect yourself and your child.

It is awful that your family is not protecting you and supporting you. If my daughter told me what you have written, I would be furious, scared, involving authorities and doing whatever I needed to do to protect my child and grandchild.

You need to be surrounded by better people OP.

Unbelievable.

Blimey, he sounds unhinged!
I agree with others, you've got to start getting the police involved when he's aggressive and abusive.
I think you should maybe contact Women's Aid as well for advice and support.

No OP, he is dangerous and sounds completely unhinged. He does sounds like a bad dad.

I don't know if you are better moving out or not. If you move, he will probably find you. Only move at this stage if you feel your family are making things worse.
Also, you say he has a good relationship with the mum of his other child. Where have you got that idea from? Him? If so, it's bollocks. Only believe it if the mum has told you herself when he's not there.

Apart from anything else, just imagine what he might be like with your daughter when she reaches the terrible twos. You say he's good with her now, but how might he react to a defiant, tantrum-throwing toddler? Or later on when she is a non- compliant teenager?

For both your sake and hers, you need to take the advice you are being given here about actively putting a stop to his abuse, and right away.

You've given enough detail about your family circumstances for me to understand that this will be very difficult for you to do, and that you won't have any family support to do it, but please, please try to be strong and start to act now.

You are responsible for a child. You’ve not stood up for yourself so far, you have to now for your child’s sake. I’m not trying to be cruel but you need some tough talk.

1. He might have used unprotected sex. You didn’t have to. You could have protected yourself with the pill, implant etc..
2. Contact Women’s Aid today. Tell them everything.
3. You can call the police and get everything on record. Threatening is pointless when you don’t carry it through.
4. Get yourself and your child away from him. To a refuge if possible.

If you continue playing along with him he will control you and abuse you. Your child will grow up thinking that is what men do, and her role model ( you) takes it. The cycle will continue with her.

Get tough. You’re worth far more than his shit treatment.
( granny lecture over and yes, I escaped an abusive marriage, best thing I ever did)

She really isn't going to resent you for not letting her spend time with a violent lunatic.

This. Stop all other contact. The man is clearly unwell and you’re both in danger, clearly. Please put strong boundaries in place and contact the police every single time he acts deranged!!

Did you not have social services involvement after the incident at the hospital? If not it's disappointing that the midwives didn't make a referral, or if they did, that social services did not take it seriously.

You need to report each and every incident to the police. If that annoys your parents they can tell your local authority that they will no longer be housing you, that will help you become a priority on the list for social housing.

Definately get the money from the CMS, you can't trust him to pay the right amount on time.

I wasn't sure if they would or not, I told them there was nothing to worry about every time they asked if I was scared. I'd assume they've definitely at least kept it in their records

You need to contact Women's aid and ask for advice on how to leave your family home and the area to get away from them all.

Your poor daughter born into such a shocking environment.

You really need to go to the police and tell them all he has done.

You need to do this if your daughter is your priority at all.

He is an unhinged lunatic and you need to wake up to this.

the other thing to add, is that if the abuse is registered and reported to the police, it will qualify you for legal aid. Otherwise domestic/contact issues dont qualify. You are going to need to have someone on the ball to represent you legally, someone who knows the score re abuse, because, bless you, you are woefully unaware of what constitutes abuse here, and you will be your own worst enemy if you end up having to represent yourself.

So second doing the freedom programme. Second contacting WA, especially if your family are facilitating the abuse and not supporting you to follow the correct proceedures, and second contacting council for support - they often have landlords on their books who may accept people on benefits, especially in certain circumstances, even if you wouldnt qualify for a council flat.

But this is abuse. And he wasnt joking with the fact that having a baby ties you to him - its no coincidence that abuse ramps up in pregnancy, and that abusive men push for children, because it makes it so much harder for their partner to escape

It's not all bad all the time. My daughter isn't unhappy and she's well loved in my family home. But of course I agree she deserves better 100% she deserves better - I have contacted women's aid

and CMS is so that he cannot use the payments as some kind of further control. or withold money from YOUR DAUGHTER in order to make you jump to his tune. Also, if you manage to get away, they wont dry up, they will be processed through a 3rd party.

@NettleTea thank you

Next time someone asks if he scares you, please find your voice and say yes. For both yours and your daughter's sake.

Hopefully it is on record somewhere, I believe you can request your hospital notes but you may have to pay an admin fee. However if they didn't make a report to social services, they may have omitted it from the notes.

You were in an abusive relationship, and he is now using your daughter to still try to control you. Please report every incident to the police, seek legal advice, and speak to your health visitor about your concerns.

OP - file a C100 for a Prohibited Steps Order.

Report the historical and any future abuse (all his behaviour is abusive, it doesn't have to be physical) to the police.

Contact Woman's Aid. Look at the Freedom Programme.

Apply for maintenance payments via CMS.

Stop any non child related contact with him. He is not a good man, nor a good father.

Well done for contacting women's aid, that is a step in the right direction.