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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want him to have our daughter alone?

198 replies

cunderthunt1 · 07/02/2023 05:59

My baby's dad (a story)

Is 15 years my senior. Were together 2 years, Had unprotected sex with me the whole time knowing I wouldn't have an abortion. When I fell pregnant (told him in the car) he drove like a maniac cause he was stressed/ didn't want a baby (lol). Drove to his flat, made it clear he wants me to have an abortion to which I got angry. He then followed me round his flat into every room while I was trying to get away from him to calm down. Started getting nasty saying I'd be a shit mum, nothing like his first baby's mum. Omg my life sounds like an episode of eastenders. This nastiness carried on for a few weeks over text & email (because I blocked his texts). Said he doesn't want anything to do with me or the baby. Basically a bullying campaign into getting me to have an abortion. Eventually this stopped and he apologised, said he would change bla bla. Still continued to argue with me (bout various other things) during my pregnancy. Said he didn't want me to live with him. Over xmas an ex popped up to me asking bout my life etc explained my situation and he said he would look after me bla bla. Baby's dad found out and, sounds a bit dramatic but, literally held me captive in his car. (I'm 6/7 months pregnant at this point). Was banging his hand on the steering wheel, beeping, writing "slag" on the windscreen condensation being a general cunt. Went for a drive and again drove like a maniac. I ended up just jumping out the car in traffic and walking into a park, he followed me got out the car and wouldn't let me past I'm shouting at the top of his lungs that I'm a slag. Wouldnt let me go home for over an hour, I was walking round just tryna shake him. A car full of boys started hollering at me from their car and pulled up just in front of me so I got scared and turned around (towards baby dad) and said please leave me alone I'm scared of these guys to which he went up to them saying "you want some of her? Come get some, she's pregnant". This whole saga ended with me just sitting on the pavement because I could no longer walk my hips were hurting and eventually he let me walk home (was parked outside my house when I got there but didn't do anything). He didn't tell anyone he was having a baby the whole time I was pregnant. Turned up at my birth causing such a scene outside that the midwives thought I was in an abusive relationship and wouldn't leave me alone with him. (He was making a scene because I didn't want him at the birth, something that was already planned and discussed and he was fine with). He eventually told his mum after we'd registered our daughter when she was 1 month old that he had a baby. Since having her he's been useless. I'm a single mum obvs so I do all the work but he didn't contribute financially for the first 4 months. Uses the fact he pays me £100 a month (eventually) against me. Argues with me in front of our daughter and in public. Doesn't really show her any attention when he is with her. Doesn't ask about her or how she's doing when we're on good terms, but when we're on bad he asks about her constantly like he's just doing it to keep me talking to him.

Theres more but honestly I'm grateful for anyone to have even read all of that bollocks ^

Reason for this post is, I told him he can see her whenever he wants but that I don't want him to have her on his own. He went ballistic, turned up at my house when I wasn't there, crying and shouting in my driveway, slagged me off to my mum and family. Told loads of lies like he always does. Ended with him eventually agreeing to leave (I was home with daughter at this point) but he kept putting his leg in the door to stop me shutting it. Threw him out the house, he came charging back in fucked my hand up pushing the door on it screaming in my face not to do that to him bla bla

Do I really not have a right to tell this man I don't trust him alone with my daughter? AIBU? I don't think he's a bad dad as such, when he is with her, I just think he's not that bothered & also I'm not sure what lengths he's prepared to go to to piss me off

OP posts:
Alexandernevermind · 07/02/2023 10:44

@cunderthunt1 ❤ I'm pleased you see it that way. I do get it, it's a culture thing with some families or in some areas, but this is about you now.

Mix56 · 07/02/2023 10:46

I think you should call Women's Aid & talk to a professional.

DontStopMeNow7 · 07/02/2023 10:55

Uummmm…you WERE in an abusive relationship and you need to get the police and a solicitor involved to keep this man away from you and your child. He is obviously dangerous.

anon2022anon · 07/02/2023 10:57

Your health visitor might also be a good place to look for support.

Original poster
cunderthunt1 · 07/02/2023 11:01

(My baby is 10 months now btw) I wouldn't know how to access my health visitor now

OP posts:
Intrepidescape · 07/02/2023 11:02

You are in an abusive relationship. You need to get a restraining order.

Justmeandme19 · 07/02/2023 11:02

I think you need to think about it a bit differently.
You need evidence of his behaviour if you want to protect your child. If you end up in the family courts it will be your word against his if you don't involve the police and other 3rd parties.
You carn't say you have safeguarding conserns if you haven't reported it.
Report each and every time and then you will have a trace.

OnGoldenPond · 07/02/2023 11:07

cunderthunt1 · 07/02/2023 11:01

(My baby is 10 months now btw) I wouldn't know how to access my health visitor now

You should be able to access your health visitor through your GP. They can help you until at least your child is school age, possibly longer.

BambinoBlue · 07/02/2023 11:07

cunderthunt1 · 07/02/2023 11:01

(My baby is 10 months now btw) I wouldn't know how to access my health visitor now

Your baby will have a HV allocated to them until they have 5 years old.

Why don't you phone your surgery. Make a GP appointment anyway to talk this through and ask for the HV to contact you.

LadyJ2023 · 07/02/2023 11:10

You say he had unprotected sex actually it's a 2 way street you could have insisted or been on the pill or something. But either way sounds slightly unhinged he does

Original poster
cunderthunt1 · 07/02/2023 11:13

@OnGoldenPond
@BambinoBlue
Thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
cunderthunt1 · 07/02/2023 11:14

LadyJ2023 · 07/02/2023 11:10

You say he had unprotected sex actually it's a 2 way street you could have insisted or been on the pill or something. But either way sounds slightly unhinged he does

Things obviously weren't this bad before I fell pregnant. I was passionate/ rushed/ got massively carried away. He used to talk about wanting kids with me, wanting to marry me, wanting me to live with him so he could protect me. Obviously I was unbelievably naive and obviously it was all bs

OP posts:
Original poster
cunderthunt1 · 07/02/2023 11:15

It was passionate*

OP posts:
Original poster
cunderthunt1 · 07/02/2023 11:17

But if this is how he reacted to me falling pregnant, why have unprotected sex with me? That's why I worded it the way I did. To avoid confusion

OP posts:
MadeofElephantStone · 07/02/2023 11:24

cunderthunt1 · 07/02/2023 11:14

Things obviously weren't this bad before I fell pregnant. I was passionate/ rushed/ got massively carried away. He used to talk about wanting kids with me, wanting to marry me, wanting me to live with him so he could protect me. Obviously I was unbelievably naive and obviously it was all bs

Show quote history

This post says love-bombing, future faking and another bright red flag screaming control in disguise of 'protecting' you. You need to work on yourself at some point on why these red flags didn't alert you to his behaviour and not get into another relationship until you do.

It is so easy to get swept up by someone like him but something like th Freedom Programme and counselling from a therapist who specialises in abuse survivors would help you recognise warning signs much earlier and give you strategies on how to deal with them. If you contact your GP re health visitor, please ask them about counselling services that they can refer you to and be clear that it is domestic violence related.

I hope you get all the help you need.

Original poster
cunderthunt1 · 07/02/2023 11:28

@MadeofElephantStone thank you. I do always recognise the signs (in hindsight unfortunately) and I think more recently there was also an element of refusing to believe he's abusive and wanting to have a "normal" family

OP posts:
MadeofElephantStone · 07/02/2023 11:30

cunderthunt1 · 07/02/2023 11:17

But if this is how he reacted to me falling pregnant, why have unprotected sex with me? That's why I worded it the way I did. To avoid confusion

So that he can blame you for his own failure to take responsibility for his actions. Likely a trap set to control you and abuse you.

It is unusual for someone like this not to have abused/control previous partners. I reckon his other ex's are having the same issues as you. Please contact the police with everything that he has done and continuous to do, he may already be on their system.

ThisIsBrandNewInformation · 07/02/2023 11:46

OP I feel sad for you. You have been let down by all those you should be able to trust in life.

Age 22 you became pregnant with a 37 year old creep who seduced you with the happy-ever-after tale of marriage and kids. 22 is still young. He has then abused you seriously yet your family did not step up. He held you hostage and humiliated you in front of a group of predatory men. And all the other stuff. It is appalling to read about.

I wish you had someone better in your life to support you through this. I hope Women’s Aid will help. You definitely need some psychological support and advice.

Remember that every decision you take now is on behalf of you and your daughter. Think what role model you want to be and the kind of relationship you want her to have when older.

Good luck.

LittlemissMama67 · 07/02/2023 11:48

I'd bet my house your daughter has his last name too

Original poster
cunderthunt1 · 07/02/2023 11:49

ThisIsBrandNewInformation · 07/02/2023 11:46

OP I feel sad for you. You have been let down by all those you should be able to trust in life.

Age 22 you became pregnant with a 37 year old creep who seduced you with the happy-ever-after tale of marriage and kids. 22 is still young. He has then abused you seriously yet your family did not step up. He held you hostage and humiliated you in front of a group of predatory men. And all the other stuff. It is appalling to read about.

I wish you had someone better in your life to support you through this. I hope Women’s Aid will help. You definitely need some psychological support and advice.

Remember that every decision you take now is on behalf of you and your daughter. Think what role model you want to be and the kind of relationship you want her to have when older.

Good luck.

Thank you for your reply

OP posts:
Original poster
cunderthunt1 · 07/02/2023 11:50

LittlemissMama67 · 07/02/2023 11:48

I'd bet my house your daughter has his last name too

No she has mine haha. That's one thing I did stand up for myself about

OP posts:
Original poster
cunderthunt1 · 07/02/2023 11:50

LittlemissMama67 · 07/02/2023 11:48

I'd bet my house your daughter has his last name too

So do I get your house? X

OP posts:
CJsGoldfish · 07/02/2023 12:39

I think you both sound pretty shit. And, as always, the child pays the price.
You are downplaying your immaturity and stupidity so probably elevating his.
You got the baby you wanted. You decided HE was the father your baby deserved. Whether you 'ban' him or not, you are tied to him forever now.
Really, you can do what you like. If he has any sense, he'll get legal advice and seek legal visitation. You can always just wait for him to do that. 🤷‍♀️

Original poster
cunderthunt1 · 07/02/2023 12:43

@CJsGoldfish thank you for your reply

OP posts:
AllOfThemWitches · 07/02/2023 13:05

CJsGoldfish · 07/02/2023 12:39

I think you both sound pretty shit. And, as always, the child pays the price.
You are downplaying your immaturity and stupidity so probably elevating his.
You got the baby you wanted. You decided HE was the father your baby deserved. Whether you 'ban' him or not, you are tied to him forever now.
Really, you can do what you like. If he has any sense, he'll get legal advice and seek legal visitation. You can always just wait for him to do that. 🤷‍♀️

Nasty piece of work. She's 23 and in an abusive relationship after what sounds like a dysfunctional upbringing. Very few parents are perfect but she's clearly concerned about how to give her daughter the life she deserved. That doesn't make her 'shit.'

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