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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want him to have our daughter alone?

198 replies

cunderthunt1 · 07/02/2023 05:59

My baby's dad (a story)

Is 15 years my senior. Were together 2 years, Had unprotected sex with me the whole time knowing I wouldn't have an abortion. When I fell pregnant (told him in the car) he drove like a maniac cause he was stressed/ didn't want a baby (lol). Drove to his flat, made it clear he wants me to have an abortion to which I got angry. He then followed me round his flat into every room while I was trying to get away from him to calm down. Started getting nasty saying I'd be a shit mum, nothing like his first baby's mum. Omg my life sounds like an episode of eastenders. This nastiness carried on for a few weeks over text & email (because I blocked his texts). Said he doesn't want anything to do with me or the baby. Basically a bullying campaign into getting me to have an abortion. Eventually this stopped and he apologised, said he would change bla bla. Still continued to argue with me (bout various other things) during my pregnancy. Said he didn't want me to live with him. Over xmas an ex popped up to me asking bout my life etc explained my situation and he said he would look after me bla bla. Baby's dad found out and, sounds a bit dramatic but, literally held me captive in his car. (I'm 6/7 months pregnant at this point). Was banging his hand on the steering wheel, beeping, writing "slag" on the windscreen condensation being a general cunt. Went for a drive and again drove like a maniac. I ended up just jumping out the car in traffic and walking into a park, he followed me got out the car and wouldn't let me past I'm shouting at the top of his lungs that I'm a slag. Wouldnt let me go home for over an hour, I was walking round just tryna shake him. A car full of boys started hollering at me from their car and pulled up just in front of me so I got scared and turned around (towards baby dad) and said please leave me alone I'm scared of these guys to which he went up to them saying "you want some of her? Come get some, she's pregnant". This whole saga ended with me just sitting on the pavement because I could no longer walk my hips were hurting and eventually he let me walk home (was parked outside my house when I got there but didn't do anything). He didn't tell anyone he was having a baby the whole time I was pregnant. Turned up at my birth causing such a scene outside that the midwives thought I was in an abusive relationship and wouldn't leave me alone with him. (He was making a scene because I didn't want him at the birth, something that was already planned and discussed and he was fine with). He eventually told his mum after we'd registered our daughter when she was 1 month old that he had a baby. Since having her he's been useless. I'm a single mum obvs so I do all the work but he didn't contribute financially for the first 4 months. Uses the fact he pays me £100 a month (eventually) against me. Argues with me in front of our daughter and in public. Doesn't really show her any attention when he is with her. Doesn't ask about her or how she's doing when we're on good terms, but when we're on bad he asks about her constantly like he's just doing it to keep me talking to him.

Theres more but honestly I'm grateful for anyone to have even read all of that bollocks ^

Reason for this post is, I told him he can see her whenever he wants but that I don't want him to have her on his own. He went ballistic, turned up at my house when I wasn't there, crying and shouting in my driveway, slagged me off to my mum and family. Told loads of lies like he always does. Ended with him eventually agreeing to leave (I was home with daughter at this point) but he kept putting his leg in the door to stop me shutting it. Threw him out the house, he came charging back in fucked my hand up pushing the door on it screaming in my face not to do that to him bla bla

Do I really not have a right to tell this man I don't trust him alone with my daughter? AIBU? I don't think he's a bad dad as such, when he is with her, I just think he's not that bothered & also I'm not sure what lengths he's prepared to go to to piss me off

OP posts:
Original poster
cunderthunt1 · 07/02/2023 07:59

gogohmm · 07/02/2023 07:57

You have some good advice here but for your own sake also work on your own self esteem and get long term birth control until you have a partner who wants kids, he obviously didn't. What were you thinking?

He told me he did, but Yh I was an idiot I won't lie. Things obviously weren't always this bad

OP posts:
FurAndFeathers · 07/02/2023 08:02

Stop entertaining this batshittery.
block him, stop communicating with him
call the police and report his harassment if you.
tell him to speak to a solicitor if he want to start a contact schedule
put in a cms claim
FFS take some responsibility and protect your child.

you chose to have repeated unprotected sex with this nutter. How did you think it would work out ?
now’s the time to stop being irresponsible and protect your child?

LaviniasBigBloomers · 07/02/2023 08:06

I think you have to do a lot of unlearning. You believe certain things in your life to be true (like we don't call the police when people are abusing us) which aren't helpful beliefs to pass onto your baby.

It's like decades ago we all believed cigarettes weren't harmful. But then we found out they were, collectively changed our minds, and now we teach our children not to smoke. Does that make sense? There are things you have to unlearn in order to protect yourself and your dD and make sure she makes different choices.

You need to keep trying for a flat of your own. You need to go through CMS for money to care for your daughter (and to help you get a flat). You need to report some of the things you've told us about and start a paper trail to stop him going for unfettered access in future. And you need to keep you and DD safe. If you're not still under the midwife team, start with your GP for help and advice.

And the number one thing you should do, today, is the freedom programme. It's online, very cheap, and it will help you see that what is happening isn't normal, and that he's very, very far from 'a good enough dad'.

Original poster
cunderthunt1 · 07/02/2023 08:11

The point of this thread is that honestly I wasn't sure if I had enough grounds to stop him from seeing his child. You've all made me feel like I'm not going mad at least. Thank u for the replies. If anyone wouldn't mind PM'ing me about CMS and how to go about contacting them (I honestly don't have a clue) I would be grateful.

It scares me that people in my life (family etc) will think I'm doing this to be bitter/ using my daughter as a pawn because I believe that's what happened to me as a child and I'm very conscious of not making that mistake. But my gut tells me not to let him have her on his own so I have to start trusting that

To clarify he's not violent he's never been violent with me, aggressive maybe but not violent

OP posts:
Untitledsquatboulder · 07/02/2023 08:12

You chose to have a child- you might want to have a think about why?
You chose this man to be the father of your child - you might want to have a think about why?
You are over-involving him in your life - how did he know you were in labour? How did he know your ex had popped out of the woodwork?
You tolerate his behaviour towards you - why?

He's abusive and the only remedy to that is the police and the courts. But you keep making terrible decisions that affect both you and your daughter. Stop playing happy daddies with this awful, abusive dick you've foisted on your child and protect her.

Original poster
cunderthunt1 · 07/02/2023 08:16

@LaviniasBigBloomers thank you for your reply. Would cms be able to help me get a flat? Because honestly I've been trying for a long time

OP posts:
Inkpotlover · 07/02/2023 08:16

cunderthunt1 · 07/02/2023 06:20

I do breastfeed which has been a good excuse up til now but really he could have her for a couple hours on his own I just don't want him to. The weekend before this incident he had her at his mum and dads which I was more than happy about, and wanted to do again this weekend but he lied and said his mum was ill. Which I found out was bs when I rang her to ask her to get him to leave me house and she was at work :)

He lies to his mum, makes out like me and him are fine etc so I don't think she knows the half of it. I'm not allowed to talk to his mum/ dad about what goes on because "they're old"

Why were you happy for him to have her that time? Why on earth are you trying to foist your baby onto him this weekend? What happens when she's older and starts answering him back – would you be happy for him to scream and shout at her and call her names in the same way he does to you? The damage is already being done to her. She'll be picking up on the abusive atmosphere, will be affected by the shouting etc. Be a mum and protect her! Next time he kicks off, call the police so there's a record of his abuse. Then stop seeing him!

Original poster
cunderthunt1 · 07/02/2023 08:21

He is good with her I don't deny that. Probably better when I'm not there because there's no reason for him to argue then. And I like his parents and trust them with her. However I do think he's very controlling and doesn't like when things don't go his way - he's told me before if we ever split up I "better not get with anyone else" and that he's glad we had our daughter cause I'm "stuck with him forever" (in jest but still creeped me out with everything else).

OP posts:
roundaboutway · 07/02/2023 08:21

I very very rarely say this but I honestly wouldn't allow him to see her at all and would do everything I could to actively fight against it.
I usually think along the lines of 'it isn't fair to do that to the child' (not allowing contact).
But he seems so dangerous that I wouldn't take any risks. I think allowing him to have any relationship at all is a risk.

Redebs · 07/02/2023 08:21

Both you and your baby are at risk from him. You must get police and social services involved immediately.
Don't end up as another tragic news story

Perfect28 · 07/02/2023 08:22

Op why can't you Google CMS?

Redebs · 07/02/2023 08:23

Redebs · 07/02/2023 08:21

Both you and your baby are at risk from him. You must get police and social services involved immediately.
Don't end up as another tragic news story

www.northamptonchron.co.uk/news/crime/youve-let-him-kill-dylan-grandmother-tried-warn-authorities-northampton-drug-dealer-was-dangerous-he-killed-his-son-949694

Original poster
cunderthunt1 · 07/02/2023 08:24

I believe he's still on good terms with his other kids mum so it just baffles me why it's impossible for him and I to be on good terms. Although he has told me in the past she doesn't let him see her and that he was gonna take her to court (but then retracted and said he actually sees her all the time....)

I know he sees her sometimes cause I've seen pics and I've seen their conversations and they are friendly

Fuck knows. He's a compulsive liar. My heads scrambled

OP posts:
Original poster
cunderthunt1 · 07/02/2023 08:25

Perfect28 · 07/02/2023 08:22

Op why can't you Google CMS?

Have but I have questions. I already received cm from him so can I still talk to them? And how do I tell them about what's been going on? And another pp mentioned they could help me get a flat- how?

OP posts:
HickoryStump · 07/02/2023 08:26

You don't want to stop him seeing her but are happy for him to be the model of what she bases her understanding in of how men treat women?
What would you do if she bought home a bloke like this in the future? Take the piss out of her for calling the police or would you want her to be treated with love and respect by a partner?
Call the bloody police today and report everything you've written here, the hospital SHOULD have made a note that they suspect abuse.

plumduck · 07/02/2023 08:26

This is awful.

You have to tell the police.

N1Co · 07/02/2023 08:27

Good for you for taking ownership OP. Next step is taking action, and it sounds like you want to do that too.

Today contact Women’s Aid (they have an email system where they’ll get back to you within a week). And start the CMS process. Ask again on here if/when you get stuck.

Be aware you’ll get helpful people and not so helpful people - don’t be put off by the unhelpful ones.

BreadwinneBaker · 07/02/2023 08:28

Your ex sounds unhinged and you need to involve police, protect her and you from the abuse. Your attitude/ this isn't normal.

You are being abused. Why you cannot see it is awful

FourAndTwentyBlackbirdsBakedInAPie · 07/02/2023 08:28

Call CMS they can't help get a flat etc, but they will have access would how much he earns and he will have to pay the legally required minimum based on that.

Phone the police, and show them any evidence you have texts, emails, voicemails, hospital records showing what happened at your birth, you need a paper trail to show this man is abusive or he will get access to her through the court.

You need boundries in place or in 20 years this will be your daughters life and she will think this is normal.

Original poster
cunderthunt1 · 07/02/2023 08:28

N1Co · 07/02/2023 08:27

Good for you for taking ownership OP. Next step is taking action, and it sounds like you want to do that too.

Today contact Women’s Aid (they have an email system where they’ll get back to you within a week). And start the CMS process. Ask again on here if/when you get stuck.

Be aware you’ll get helpful people and not so helpful people - don’t be put off by the unhelpful ones.

Honestly after my post I was expecting a lot more unhelpful ones, I do realise what I sound like. I'm not a (complete) idiot. I'm grateful for any advice. Thank you :)

OP posts:
Perfect28 · 07/02/2023 08:29

Op you won't be priority for a flat because you are not homeless. Surely you're aware of the chronic lack of social housing? I don't mean to kick you when you're down but I wouldn't pin any hopes on getting your own place.

Original poster
cunderthunt1 · 07/02/2023 08:30

Perfect28 · 07/02/2023 08:29

Op you won't be priority for a flat because you are not homeless. Surely you're aware of the chronic lack of social housing? I don't mean to kick you when you're down but I wouldn't pin any hopes on getting your own place.

I'm not after a council flat I want to rent from a landlord, but landlords aren't keen on DSS

OP posts:
Original poster
cunderthunt1 · 07/02/2023 08:31

I work part time & with my benefits as well I could afford to rent, it's just finding a landlord to take me on which is a mammoth task in itself

OP posts:
WetBandits · 07/02/2023 08:31

Oh OP 😔 I just want to give you a cuddle! You’ve been through hell with this man. Abused women often don’t know they’re abused and you are not to blame for anything he’s done.

Tell the police, tell your family and push for supervised contact only. I hope you and DD heal from this Flowers

N1Co · 07/02/2023 08:36

cunderthunt1 · 07/02/2023 08:31

I work part time & with my benefits as well I could afford to rent, it's just finding a landlord to take me on which is a mammoth task in itself

I don’t know if this is good advice so look into it more before doing it, but: a colleague was in a similar position and what she did was save up a bigger deposit to be able to pay a landlord a few more months in advance. That extra bit of security/reassurance for the landlord was what it took in her case. Not sure how often you find landlords like that but could potentially be a solution.