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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Hand hold please, my marriage is over

322 replies

TotallyLosttonight · 07/02/2023 02:40

I think it is. I found out tonight that my husband has shared photos of me (sexual ones) on an adult chat room. I’ve had a feeling something was up for a few months but tonight I saw it on his laptop. I’m totally disgusted and devastated. I don’t think I can ever forgive him. The photos have my face! He knows I know, he says he’s really sorry, he’s got a problem, thinks he’s a sec addict, he’ll get help…I told him he does need help but it’s too late for me.
I saw some pics on his laptop at Christmas and he made some stupid excuses. I wanted to believe him so I did, but my gut told me it wasn’t right. I tried to ignore that but tonight I realised the truth. We have 2 boys, aged 8 & 13.
what do I do?? I’m devastated and the one person I want to hug me and comfort me is the one who has caused this.

OP posts:
Justforthissnippet · 07/02/2023 02:52

Hi. Didn’t want to read and run. You poor thing.

For me, this would be the end. I would feel too violated and all trust would be gone.

Short term, is there a friend/family member you can trust to support you in the next couple of days?

randomusername2020 · 07/02/2023 02:53

This reply has been withdrawn

This post has been withdrawn at the poster's request due to privacy concerns.

randomusername2020 · 07/02/2023 02:55

This reply has been withdrawn

This post has been withdrawn at the poster's request due to privacy concerns.

Justforthissnippet · 07/02/2023 02:55

I agree. When you feel able, I would get on touch with the website and be clear they have been put up without your consent and ask them to remove, and report this.

StrictlyCandelabra · 07/02/2023 02:56

I can only echo what the previous posters have said. What a horrific man to violate you in this way. I'm so sorry.

Original poster
TotallyLosttonight · 07/02/2023 02:59

Thank you. I’m just numb right now, I can’t believe it. I know I have to leave him but it’s so scary. My poor kids, they adore him and this will be totally out of the blue.

OP posts:
GettingStuffed · 07/02/2023 03:01

This is illegal very the police involved. It may not help.you but may save someone else suffering this. I'm so sorry your DH is a piece of shit

Original poster
TotallyLosttonight · 07/02/2023 03:01

I saw the site and grabbed his laptop. He actually fought me for it! He kept trying to grab it back and grabbed my arms.

OP posts:
freezingpompoms · 07/02/2023 03:03

Definitely go to the police. It think this will be covered by revenge porn laws.

I would tell a friend and see a solicitor.

Goodread1 · 07/02/2023 03:17

What a incredibly shitty thing for him

the Law is definitely on your side,

You Need help and support, turn to trusted friends ect who have your back and care for you,

Don't 😩 struggle on your own, get all relevant support/help financially sound advice that is out there,
you are rightfully entitled to this Op.
Take care
What he has done is really totally unacceptable humiliating/degrading without your consent..
You are way too good for him,probably allways were.

mathanxiety · 07/02/2023 03:33

What do you do?

You go to the police.

He has committed a criminal offence.

Fraaahnces · 07/02/2023 03:35

I would also get police involvement. This will help you with custody of kids.

Summer2424 · 07/02/2023 03:38

Hi @TotallyLosttonight i'm so sorry you're going through this 😔
He is completely wrong for doing this to you. Sorry i have no advice but sending you strength to get through this time xx

Guavafish1 · 07/02/2023 03:44

You need to go to the police. I think it's the tip of a horrible iceberg! There might be more than just some photos!

You need the complete truth first.... he will not give it to you.

Zephirine · 07/02/2023 03:51

I’m so sorry. How awful for you and what a complete shit.

EmmaGrundyForPM · 07/02/2023 03:59

I am so sorry.

Please report to.the police. This is illegal, your husband has to face the consequences.

ScandinavianSkies · 07/02/2023 04:28

Sex addict my arse.
It's disgusting he's trying to play victim.
It's you that needs support and understanding NOT him. Do you have supporting friends or family ?
I'm very sorry OP but this is abuse in my book.

JoannasFifthTry · 07/02/2023 04:30

It is definitely illegal. www.sentencingcouncil.org.uk/offences/magistrates-court/item/disclosing-private-sexual-images/

Why would him being a sex addict be a defence to abusing you by posting images of you online?! If I were you I would demand he hands over his phone (or if not just take it) so that you can remove any images he has from you permanently - delete them and if he has an iPhone then go to 'recently deleted' and delete them from there too. If he won't hand them over, tell him you can simply take his laptop to the police as it has all the evidence they need to charge him. I don't know if it will do any good but I'd email the website he's posted them on too and say he did not have your consent to post them and you would like them removed as you are taking legal action against him (even if you don't want to take that step).

Once you have control of the images from his devices (and you may want copies of them yourself so that if needed you can show them to the police - and please don't think you need to do this but just be wary of destroying all evidence) then have a think about your finances, security etc. I think personally I'd ask him to move out for a few days and give you some space to think. That way you have a bit of head space and also time to get your ducks in a row.

I am so sorry he has violated you in this way, he knew what he was doing, he's an absolute piece of shit. Protect yourself, protect your sons because you do not want them learning what it is to be a decent man from someone who would do something like this to a woman. You can be strong for them. Good luck.

EveFrank · 07/02/2023 05:00

Gosh, I'm so sorry. That is a horrid thing to discover. I'd just be echoing everyone else. Please reach out to a trusted friend/family member. Don't do this alone x

kateandme · 07/02/2023 05:01

this isnt anyhting to do with being a sex addict.they are addicted to sexthis has no bearing or relevance to whether they take illegally and post your picutres onto an internet site.nope this is just a very bad man.nothign nothing to do wit hany sort of addictions.

kateandme · 07/02/2023 05:02

arent*

PaperFun · 07/02/2023 05:29

Gosh what a terrible thing to do to you. Poor you. What a terrible man. How dare he have so little respect for you. Be sad, be angry; it is all valid. Start by telling someone close to you.

There is no coming back from this. How dare he put your safety at risk this way.

Stay strong xx

TibetanTerrah · 07/02/2023 05:42

Youre in shock and might dismiss the idea of going to the police as the nuclear option, but I urge you to consider it fully.

He has abused you, your trust, and broken the law. But beyond that, once he realises you are serious about divorce I would bet anything that he turns nasty.

If you cover for him now by not going to the police you will make the divorce much harder on yourself. Contact and financial arrangements will be made more difficult by him playing hardball.

I've seen it time and time again. Wives saying oh I couldn't ruin his life by going to the police, while the husband systematically ruins her life during and after the divorce.

Think carefully, and think of your future. Not his. You don't owe him a damn thing, and any police involvement that happens later looks more like retaliation in a messy divorce, so get that paper trail started now.

Original poster
TotallyLosttonight · 07/02/2023 06:40

I’ve just looked at his laptop again and he is using an email address I didn’t know he had to log into this pic sharing site. The password for the email address was saved so I was able to open the email and he’s deleted everything, sent items and recently deleted included.

OP posts:
Original poster
TotallyLosttonight · 07/02/2023 06:42

I feel sick, I haven’t told anyone IRL yet. I know it’s stupid but I’m worried about him too. If I go to the police he’ll probably lose his job and I need him working to support me and the kids financially. It’s not like I can tell the children what he’s done can I?

OP posts:
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