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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Hand hold please, my marriage is over

322 replies

TotallyLosttonight · 07/02/2023 02:40

I think it is. I found out tonight that my husband has shared photos of me (sexual ones) on an adult chat room. I’ve had a feeling something was up for a few months but tonight I saw it on his laptop. I’m totally disgusted and devastated. I don’t think I can ever forgive him. The photos have my face! He knows I know, he says he’s really sorry, he’s got a problem, thinks he’s a sec addict, he’ll get help…I told him he does need help but it’s too late for me.
I saw some pics on his laptop at Christmas and he made some stupid excuses. I wanted to believe him so I did, but my gut told me it wasn’t right. I tried to ignore that but tonight I realised the truth. We have 2 boys, aged 8 & 13.
what do I do?? I’m devastated and the one person I want to hug me and comfort me is the one who has caused this.

OP posts:
TicketBoo23 · 07/02/2023 11:45

I have no idea why he did this- showing off , access to others stuff ? (There are sites where you can't access unless you yourself load stuff up too

They give to get.

These men, in spite of there being a billion sexual images of women, of every possible permutation, online - get a particular gratification from the women being "real" women.

TicketBoo23 · 07/02/2023 11:45

Some might also get gratification from others "appreciating" their partner.

GoodChat · 07/02/2023 11:45

OP I would consider reporting the site even if you don't report your husband as there'll be hundreds of women whose partners are doing the same thing.

doughyparton · 07/02/2023 11:46

@TotallyLosttonight even if you don’t report it now, I would suggest you mark everything down with time stamps so it can be proven later on how you felt, why you did what you did, just in case you need it in the future. Even something like this thread will help.

Compile all the evidence you can, take pictures, take his laptop, record conversations and leave it with someone you trust.

Most of all, confide in someone. You are not safe right now and someone around you needs to know what has happened.

TicketBoo23 · 07/02/2023 11:46

He had the opportunity to stop this, when op queried him before. Instead he just happily kept on doing it.

There is no getting those images back or deleting them now they're in the public domain. Op could even be being recognised by men in her locality/region.

BubziOwl · 07/02/2023 11:47

Oh, you poor thing. I'm so sorry and angry for you.

I totally understand why you feel you can't report, and I'm sorry to add to the pile on here, but I just really feel I can't help but say that going to the police as soon as you can is the best course of action here.

He has committed a sex offence, you are a victim of this offence. I understand it probably feels very unreal right now, but it is very real and very serious.

Blessedwithsunshine · 07/02/2023 11:49

The fact that you haven’t immediately kicked him out - as a starting point - is worrying op.

He choose well - marrying you - because there can’t be a woman alive that could contemplate a future with a man like him.

SlouchingTowardsBethlehemAgain · 07/02/2023 11:51

OP, so sorry this has happened to you - he is truly vile. I don't want to creep you out but you should check the house for secret cameras, especially bathrooms and bedrooms. You don't know this man any more, he has put you and the children at risk from his horrible sex offender pals by posting identifiable pictures of you online.

CakeWarrior · 07/02/2023 11:53

Even while you consider what you wish to do - it is VITAL that you remove the laptop itself. Before it has a mysterious "accident" by him. Do you have staff lockers at work? Or ask a trusted friend to have a box for you and put it at the bottom? It is imperative that it is out of the house where it can be found. Even if he has deleted things - the police have special software they can use to recover deleted items. This way if you decide the police route/divorce option later down the line - your evidence hasnt disappeared.

And please please be wary - my ex was the exact same in terms of promising to support etc. I am yet to receive a penny in the last 9 years towards his DD. And he had a good job. As soon as the realisation kicks in that you are the one leaving him - trust me he will turn. At least this way you have the evidence you need. Heck I would store it for you if im local! Sending you love and support. I promise you have people behind you for support xx

CakeWarrior · 07/02/2023 11:54
  • cant be found that should say
TicketBoo23 · 07/02/2023 11:54

He choose well - marrying you - because there can’t be a woman alive that could contemplate a future with a man like him.

You're fkg nasty.

Op has not said she won't leave him, she's probably in shock. Shes just trying to cope.

And fwiw there are plenty of women who've unfortunately stayed with men who've done that and way worse. They should not but they have, so your statement is BS.

LeopardsDontChangeTheirSpots · 07/02/2023 11:54

I understand that you don't want to report it right now. Life has just fallen apart and there's a ton of emotions that you're trying to deal with.
Please - speak to someone in RL. Not just us on MN but someone professional. Have you told your family?

TicketBoo23 · 07/02/2023 11:57

it is VITAL that you remove the laptop itself. Before it has a mysterious "accident" by him

Yeah he'll dump it when he realises the files could be recovered.

Or maybe "degauss" it if he has access to that.

TicketBoo23 · 07/02/2023 11:58

Could you afford to put your youngest I to ski school/lessons on the holiday op?

TicketBoo23 · 07/02/2023 12:00

*Op has not said she won't leave him

In fact the thread title is "marriage is over"(!)

Blessedwithsunshine · 07/02/2023 12:02

TicketBoo23 · 07/02/2023 11:54

He choose well - marrying you - because there can’t be a woman alive that could contemplate a future with a man like him.

You're fkg nasty.

Op has not said she won't leave him, she's probably in shock. Shes just trying to cope.

And fwiw there are plenty of women who've unfortunately stayed with men who've done that and way worse. They should not but they have, so your statement is BS.

Op has two children, whether she can bring herself to acknowledge it or not, they are at risk. Sex offenders that prioritise their communities are not safe parents. He should be nowhere near them.

Op is talking about going on holiday and to all intents and purposes - carrying on. He has obviously twisted this in such a way to make himself the victim. I can not stress how important it is she gets help in real life.

Original poster
TotallyLosttonight · 07/02/2023 12:02

I don't have close family. My parents are dead, I have no siblings. I have good friends though, I will talk to them but not today. Today I'm just focusing on an hour at a time.

OP posts:
Crikeyalmighty · 07/02/2023 12:03

@Blessedwithsunshine that's plain nasty and uncalled for- because I'm afraid there are plenty of women who put up with stuff like this and have stayed for reasons known only to them. She hasn't said she isn't separating-

Original poster
TotallyLosttonight · 07/02/2023 12:03

I am ending it, I'm just trying to manage the fallout for my children.

OP posts:
RemoteControlDoobry · 07/02/2023 12:03

OP please don’t report this to the police. The women telling you to do this don’t have to deal with the consequences.

If he loses his job and ends up with a criminal record that’s going to badly affect both you and the kids. You say he’s going to give you what you want and not fight for custody….do you have evidence that will prevent him from becoming nasty in the future?

And yes it’s normal to worry….I worry about my ex even though I found out from MN a few weeks ago that I was diddled out of tens of thousands of pounds in our divorce, which was wasted on expensive holidays!

GoodChat · 07/02/2023 12:04

TotallyLosttonight · 07/02/2023 12:03

I am ending it, I'm just trying to manage the fallout for my children.

Ignore the dickheads OP. You're in such a tough position. We all know how we'd like to deal with a situation like this but don't know what we'd actually do unless we were the ones faced with it.

Original poster
TotallyLosttonight · 07/02/2023 12:04

TicketBoo23 · 07/02/2023 11:45

Some might also get gratification from others "appreciating" their partner.

Sickeningly I think this is it. This is his kink.

OP posts:
Original poster
TotallyLosttonight · 07/02/2023 12:05

RemoteControlDoobry · 07/02/2023 12:03

OP please don’t report this to the police. The women telling you to do this don’t have to deal with the consequences.

If he loses his job and ends up with a criminal record that’s going to badly affect both you and the kids. You say he’s going to give you what you want and not fight for custody….do you have evidence that will prevent him from becoming nasty in the future?

And yes it’s normal to worry….I worry about my ex even though I found out from MN a few weeks ago that I was diddled out of tens of thousands of pounds in our divorce, which was wasted on expensive holidays!

Thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
TotallyLosttonight · 07/02/2023 12:05

GoodChat · 07/02/2023 12:04

Ignore the dickheads OP. You're in such a tough position. We all know how we'd like to deal with a situation like this but don't know what we'd actually do unless we were the ones faced with it.

Show quote history

❤

OP posts:
Rainbowqueeen · 07/02/2023 12:06

I’m so so sorry. Your world has been completely turned upside down.

I think it’s important to remember that you have no idea what this man is capable of. 2 days ago you never would have believed that he would have done this. The man you thought you knew does not exist. Focus on protecting yourself. Unfortunately this does mean you need to assume the worst and also not believe a word he says. Hard I know but sadly necessary.