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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Hand hold please, my marriage is over

322 replies

TotallyLosttonight · 07/02/2023 02:40

I think it is. I found out tonight that my husband has shared photos of me (sexual ones) on an adult chat room. I’ve had a feeling something was up for a few months but tonight I saw it on his laptop. I’m totally disgusted and devastated. I don’t think I can ever forgive him. The photos have my face! He knows I know, he says he’s really sorry, he’s got a problem, thinks he’s a sec addict, he’ll get help…I told him he does need help but it’s too late for me.
I saw some pics on his laptop at Christmas and he made some stupid excuses. I wanted to believe him so I did, but my gut told me it wasn’t right. I tried to ignore that but tonight I realised the truth. We have 2 boys, aged 8 & 13.
what do I do?? I’m devastated and the one person I want to hug me and comfort me is the one who has caused this.

OP posts:
forwhatitsworth22 · 07/02/2023 06:46

If he's done this whilst together then what will he do once you leave him? Please think about reporting him. He may have deleted it but police have ways to find deleted accounts etc

jeaux90 · 07/02/2023 06:48

If you have taught your kids about boundaries and trust you can explain it in those terms.

I am so sorry this has happened to you. There is no excuse he could give that could make me forgive this. He has violated your boundaries in a terrible and illegal way.

Use this to negotiate the split if you don't feel able to report to the police.

PosiePerkinPootleFlump · 07/02/2023 06:48

I'm so sorry. He is a shit and there are no excuses. Hope you can get some in person support today.

devildeepbluesea · 07/02/2023 06:50

That’s a pretty devastating breach of trust.

I’m afraid I agree with PP, you need to report to the police. They will recover anything he’s deleted and he should face the full consequences of his disgusting actions.

BibbleandSqwauk · 07/02/2023 06:51

I'm sorry lovely. There are two different issues here. One is the images and deception / police etc and one is the actual ending of the marriage, splitting up etc. I have no advice or experience for the first one but as to the second, I suggest you ask him to go and stay elsewhere immediately. Give yourself a couple of days to think and and tell the kids he's gone away for work or helping a relative or something. Once you've had a tiny bit of breathing space you can explain to them that you're splitting up as he lied to you ...as you say, right now they don't need details. Not everything has to be done in the next 24 hours. Assuming he agrees to go, try to gather as much paperwork as you can like payslips, bank statements and pension info . He's shown he's savvy enough to delete things to protect himself so you need this.
See a solicitor as soon as you can. Believe nothing he tells you re divorce law or what you will or won't get. And tell your family / friends asap. You will need support. Be kind to yourself. Good luck.

Original poster
TotallyLosttonight · 07/02/2023 06:55

Right now he’s promising to give me whatever I need, he’ll pay for the house etc. He won’t fight me for the kids. We’re meant to be going on a holiday in 2 weeks and I’m tempted to get him to go away ‘on a course’ until then, do the holiday for the kids sake and get the separation wheels moving when we get back. It’s a really special holiday they’re so excited about, and I can’t manage the logistics to take them on my own.

OP posts:
Tuilpmouse · 07/02/2023 06:56

I'm so sorry to hear this OP.

Regarding going to the Police as many have recommended, if you are minded to do so (and I think you should very seriously consider it) all I would say is to make sure you and your children have got a safe place to go before doing that, and have protected yourself financially as far as you can. The fact you could go to the Police is a strong power you hold over him.

Original poster
TotallyLosttonight · 07/02/2023 06:57

I’ve got a 3-day training course starting today and I’ve had no sleep. I don’t know how I’m going to get through it. I’m also meant to be going away with work one night next week and I can’t see how I can face it. I’d need to leave the kids with him.

OP posts:
crabsaremisunderstood · 07/02/2023 06:57

What a vile cunt.

I echo the wonderful advice given so far, and really hope you can consider reporting him, although I know that seems so scary. If he’s deceived you in this way, then who knows what he is capable of when he is wounded and stressed about you kicking him out (and rightly fucking so!).

Massive hand hold and squeeze from me!

Tuilpmouse · 07/02/2023 07:03

TotallyLosttonight · 07/02/2023 06:55

Right now he’s promising to give me whatever I need, he’ll pay for the house etc. He won’t fight me for the kids. We’re meant to be going on a holiday in 2 weeks and I’m tempted to get him to go away ‘on a course’ until then, do the holiday for the kids sake and get the separation wheels moving when we get back. It’s a really special holiday they’re so excited about, and I can’t manage the logistics to take them on my own.

I get that you don't want to disappoint the children re the holiday, but I'm not sure how you could possibly go on holiday with this man.

The logistics of managing a 13 and 8 yo on an overseas trip surely can't be so bad that it's preferable to have your twat of a DH join you... For starters, where will he even sleep (surely you're not going to share a bed with him?)

Campervangirl · 07/02/2023 07:03

That is too disgusting for words, I'm so sorry he's done this to you.
The thought of someone who's supposed to love and protect you violating your trust in the most horrendous way is earth shattering.
I would phone the police, they will support you, they will surely have knowledge of how to get the photos taken down.
Your H has broken the law and exposed you to perverts online, he's put your safety at risk.
Forget the financial issues for a moment, as important as they are.
You will survive, what's the alternative, live with your abuser?
Ime if you leave him, when it's all calmed down, he will try to screw you financially anyway, I've seen it happen so many times.
The H walks away leaving behind promises of support, meets someone else, decides he can no longer afford to support his DC, wants 50/50 so he doesn't have to pay csm, wants the family home sold so that he can afford house himself.
You will end up shafted anyway.
Think he won't do that to his DC?
You probably also thought he would never post photos of you online.
Do not trust him, phone the police, get him removed from the family home, you can start again, scary as that thought may be.
As they always say on mn, get your ducks in a row, find evidence of your financials.
Put a claim in for benefits.
Don't let him get away with this op.
I really feel for you ❤️

Mumskisail · 07/02/2023 07:04

I would get all the evidence together and some legal advice quickly about the violation and about separation. Get everything about the image sharing written down so you have it. You might be able to involve the police but delay pressing charges which will scare him and make him comply with your wishes. So sorry you are in this situation. Can you go off sick for a few weeks and get away? Can you let your manager know something is up and be confident of support - obviously without disclosing anything.

Concernedcarrot · 07/02/2023 07:05

There is a company that you can pay to have the images removed he’s posted online I believe they are leakserv.
This is horrendous and a huge breach of trust and a criminal offence and you should report him to the police, so cruel what he’s done 😩

goldennotyetoldie · 07/02/2023 07:08

Morning OP. One day and hour at a time. What you are going through is shock and grief, be gentle with yourself.

Firstly have tea, or coffee and if work aren't providing lunch, make yourself a sandwich to take. Small practical things will help you to plod on, and eating is important.

If you feel you must go to work (and a distraction can be good) then tell the course tutor privately that you've got some distressing personal stuff going on so are not on top form.

I'd definitely ask him to move out so that you have a safe space to live in.

I'd cancel the overnight stay - use the same reasoning as for the course. You don't have to give details. You may want to say 'I'm splitting up with my husband '. People will understand.

Do you have an employee assistance programme at work ? They are good and confidential and should offer immediate help re legal and or counselling. Alternatively if you have private medical they can offer mental health support too.

Don't make any decisions about police or holidays yet. Give yourself a couple of days. Get him out of the house first to give you space to think and plan.

If you have a trusted friend then call them now. This is the time when dear friends step up. You'd do the same for them, so it's OK for you to ask for their help. You need it.

One step at a time. You can do this.

mexicanabanana · 07/02/2023 07:10

So sorry to read this OP. I was also betrayed by my H yesterday. Wasn’t even trying to look and up came a load of very incriminating emails. He’s angry with me for ‘snooping’! Gaslighting tit! Anyway, although this seems insurmountable now, you will get through this. I agree with the PPs and take as much evidence as you can to the police. It will definitely help you in the long run.

Thinking if you OP 💐

Sereni5 · 07/02/2023 07:11

I’m so sorry this has happened to you. It’s one of the most appalling breaches of trust I can think of. It’s also a criminal offence and you would be well within your rights to inform the police. What an absolute turd this man is.

TheaBrandt · 07/02/2023 07:12

If it’s skiing I can see op concerns friend took two teens recently one had a fall broke bone was in hospital so she had to leave the other in the flat. She handled it fine but it wasn’t easy. If he does go it has to be strictly separate rooms with your own key he cannot access. Sadly you are at that level of trust. Ie none.

That said agree with all the others so sorry you going through this.

Original poster
TotallyLosttonight · 07/02/2023 07:19

goldennotyetoldie · 07/02/2023 07:08

Morning OP. One day and hour at a time. What you are going through is shock and grief, be gentle with yourself.

Firstly have tea, or coffee and if work aren't providing lunch, make yourself a sandwich to take. Small practical things will help you to plod on, and eating is important.

If you feel you must go to work (and a distraction can be good) then tell the course tutor privately that you've got some distressing personal stuff going on so are not on top form.

I'd definitely ask him to move out so that you have a safe space to live in.

I'd cancel the overnight stay - use the same reasoning as for the course. You don't have to give details. You may want to say 'I'm splitting up with my husband '. People will understand.

Do you have an employee assistance programme at work ? They are good and confidential and should offer immediate help re legal and or counselling. Alternatively if you have private medical they can offer mental health support too.

Don't make any decisions about police or holidays yet. Give yourself a couple of days. Get him out of the house first to give you space to think and plan.

If you have a trusted friend then call them now. This is the time when dear friends step up. You'd do the same for them, so it's OK for you to ask for their help. You need it.

One step at a time. You can do this.

thank you so much. Your post has made me cry. I needed to read this

OP posts:
Original poster
TotallyLosttonight · 07/02/2023 07:20

TheaBrandt · 07/02/2023 07:12

If it’s skiing I can see op concerns friend took two teens recently one had a fall broke bone was in hospital so she had to leave the other in the flat. She handled it fine but it wasn’t easy. If he does go it has to be strictly separate rooms with your own key he cannot access. Sadly you are at that level of trust. Ie none.

That said agree with all the others so sorry you going through this.

It is skiing. I just can’t do it on my own as my youngest is a total beginner. We actually have a large 3 bed apartment booked so I can have my own room.

OP posts:
TheaBrandt · 07/02/2023 07:23

I would insist he pays for his own single room. I don’t think you can share living space with him after this. It’s a crime op.

WonkyFeelings · 07/02/2023 07:26

goldennotyetoldie · 07/02/2023 07:08

Morning OP. One day and hour at a time. What you are going through is shock and grief, be gentle with yourself.

Firstly have tea, or coffee and if work aren't providing lunch, make yourself a sandwich to take. Small practical things will help you to plod on, and eating is important.

If you feel you must go to work (and a distraction can be good) then tell the course tutor privately that you've got some distressing personal stuff going on so are not on top form.

I'd definitely ask him to move out so that you have a safe space to live in.

I'd cancel the overnight stay - use the same reasoning as for the course. You don't have to give details. You may want to say 'I'm splitting up with my husband '. People will understand.

Do you have an employee assistance programme at work ? They are good and confidential and should offer immediate help re legal and or counselling. Alternatively if you have private medical they can offer mental health support too.

Don't make any decisions about police or holidays yet. Give yourself a couple of days. Get him out of the house first to give you space to think and plan.

If you have a trusted friend then call them now. This is the time when dear friends step up. You'd do the same for them, so it's OK for you to ask for their help. You need it.

One step at a time. You can do this.

This is fantastic advice, OP, much better than what I would have done (nuclear option). Stay with us and I’m confident the wise brains of mumsnet will help you navigate it all. In the meantime, here is a virtual hug.

Jazz12 · 07/02/2023 07:27

Your kids are in full time school. Why do you need him to support you financially?
Also fcuk the holiday, do you really want to go on a holiday with him!? Clearly he has zero respect for you. Hugs. You’ll get through this, find work and earn a living.

CBG34 · 07/02/2023 07:31

So sorry to hear you're going through this, it's awful.

Not only has he abused your trust and disregarded your consent, he has committed a crime. Once an image is out there online it can be very hard to remove and that's without deepfake technology being involved...

If I were you, I'd talk to a trusted friend immediately for moral support, log it with the police and also share with HR at work in confidence.

The reason for logging with police is you'll have more chance of controlling distribution of the image, more chance of a successful outcome in divorce proceedings and also if these images crop up when current or future employers / companies search for your online digital footprint (as many do now) you have a clear explanation of what happened and a police paper trail and crime number too.

Good luck op, you must be strong for yourself and your children as no one deserves to be treated so flippantly and your reaction to this will teach them so much about self respect and consent. I can't imagine how hard it must be to discover the man you married is not who you thought he was in this way, but remember you at least have all the cards in your hands now you know the truth.

Original poster
TotallyLosttonight · 07/02/2023 07:32

I have a job, senior management level. I can cope alone if we sell our house and I get something smaller. It will also mean significant lifestyle changes for the kids. I can't even think that far ahead just now. Just need to get through today.

OP posts:
Uninterestedfamily · 07/02/2023 07:33

Take a few days to get past the initial shock, then make plans.

I hope you do go to police, not for revenge, but for help in tracking all the photos. He's likely to have used more than one site. They all need to be found and removed. You don't want your boys finding them if (when) they look at porn online. God, did that not occur to him?

He is vile. Sex addiction stuff is total bullshit. I'm so sorry he's done this to you.