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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Hand hold please, my marriage is over

322 replies

TotallyLosttonight · 07/02/2023 02:40

I think it is. I found out tonight that my husband has shared photos of me (sexual ones) on an adult chat room. I’ve had a feeling something was up for a few months but tonight I saw it on his laptop. I’m totally disgusted and devastated. I don’t think I can ever forgive him. The photos have my face! He knows I know, he says he’s really sorry, he’s got a problem, thinks he’s a sec addict, he’ll get help…I told him he does need help but it’s too late for me.
I saw some pics on his laptop at Christmas and he made some stupid excuses. I wanted to believe him so I did, but my gut told me it wasn’t right. I tried to ignore that but tonight I realised the truth. We have 2 boys, aged 8 & 13.
what do I do?? I’m devastated and the one person I want to hug me and comfort me is the one who has caused this.

OP posts:
Everybodywants · 07/02/2023 07:34

I'm so sorry. He's broken the law.

Disclose or threaten to disclose private images. So serious.

I can't believe he put ones with your face, ultimate disrespect to you.

I'd report it and give serious consideration to providing a statement, if you're able to.

Can you also keep the laptop in your possession? Even if he has deleted the data can possibly be recovered to prove it.

I'd tell someone at work, do you think there is any possibility he also used your name online? What sort of line of work are you in?

Re the holiday, can you take a friend/family member instead?

Original poster
TotallyLosttonight · 07/02/2023 07:35

Everybodywants · 07/02/2023 07:34

I'm so sorry. He's broken the law.

Disclose or threaten to disclose private images. So serious.

I can't believe he put ones with your face, ultimate disrespect to you.

I'd report it and give serious consideration to providing a statement, if you're able to.

Can you also keep the laptop in your possession? Even if he has deleted the data can possibly be recovered to prove it.

I'd tell someone at work, do you think there is any possibility he also used your name online? What sort of line of work are you in?

Re the holiday, can you take a friend/family member instead?

He didn't use my name, he made up one. I saw it.

OP posts:
Seadragonusgiganticusmaximus · 07/02/2023 07:37

IANAL but, sadly, my understanding is that this may it be a criminal offence at present. The law as it stands requires that there be an intent to cause distress which, from what OP has said, may not be present here. I think there is a change in the law in progress to remove this requirement.

Seadragonusgiganticusmaximus · 07/02/2023 07:41

may not be a criminal offence

Original poster
TotallyLosttonight · 07/02/2023 07:41

mexicanabanana · 07/02/2023 07:10

So sorry to read this OP. I was also betrayed by my H yesterday. Wasn’t even trying to look and up came a load of very incriminating emails. He’s angry with me for ‘snooping’! Gaslighting tit! Anyway, although this seems insurmountable now, you will get through this. I agree with the PPs and take as much evidence as you can to the police. It will definitely help you in the long run.

Thinking if you OP 💐

I'm so sorry you have been betrayed too. I hope you have some support IRL. Men are shits. I hate them.

OP posts:
Elsanore · 07/02/2023 07:59

So sorry to read this. You've had lots of great advice already. I will offer a few other thoughts too:

Get him to be the one to move out of the family home now. Telling the kids he's away for work or something for now buys you some time.

You don't need to pay for kids/ house/ lifestyle on your own even though it's very comforting to know you could. He will be paying significant maintenance to you.

Don't go on the holiday with him. You cannot fake everything being ok 24/7 for 2 weeks, and it gives him chance to work on you and wear you down. From experience this is not worth it for a holiday, no matter how disappointed the kids would be to miss the skiing holiday. Going with him would be terrible for your mental health. They are old enough to cope with a holiday being rearranged/ postponed.

(No idea if this would work for you but do you have another adult who would take his place on the hol? Even someone who doesn't like to ski but wouldn't mind helping with kids, pottering around/ reading while you ski and would like the eating out and scenery parts of the trip? I can think of some of my older retired relatives that would do that for me probably in a bind.)

You sound very smart and strong and you will get wonderful support on here.

Minimalme · 07/02/2023 08:06

I know this is hell right now, I'm so sorry.

This is what I think you should do:

  • call work and say your are sick
  • call and report a crime
  • call to cancel the holiday

He has sexually abused you and committed a crime.

You need support because he has plunged you into trauma.

I'm so sorry.

Original poster
TotallyLosttonight · 07/02/2023 08:10

Until last night I loved my husband, is it stupid to still be worried about him?

OP posts:
JessicaFletcherscrewnecksweater · 07/02/2023 08:14

Yes. He doesn’t deserve your worry. He is a self-serving, despicable cunt.

He had no concern for the impact it might have on you that he’s shared explicit photographs of you. With your face. You don’t know who is seeing these photographs, OP. The implication for you could be huge in your personal and professional life.

It is a criminal offence. It is disgusting. He deserves nothing but your contempt.

Choconut · 07/02/2023 08:26

TotallyLosttonight · 07/02/2023 08:10

Until last night I loved my husband, is it stupid to still be worried about him?

Unfortunately love doesn't just switch on and off. But right now you need to do everything you can to protect yourself and your kids. You are the victim here, you don't have to do anything you don't want to. There are lots of options available and the only thing you must do is what works best for you and the kids. This is not someone you can trust in any way shape or form, sadly it turns out he is vile, even with a sex addiction he had no need to drag you into his grim behaviour, there's plenty of porn freely available. But if you really want to do the holiday then do it. This is all in your control now, play it exactly as you want to.

You do not have to go to work, this is a huge trauma for you and what he has done is illegal. Please take care of yourself and get some counselling. I'm so sorry he has done this to you.

JustDrama · 07/02/2023 08:26

He's only sorry because he's been caught. Men like him think it's ok to do this and they need to face the consequences. I get financially you need him to have a job to support the kids etc but that cannot outweigh the fact he needs to be reported. Those pics are out there forever now.

AngelinaFibres · 07/02/2023 08:27

Jazz12 · 07/02/2023 07:27

Your kids are in full time school. Why do you need him to support you financially?
Also fcuk the holiday, do you really want to go on a holiday with him!? Clearly he has zero respect for you. Hugs. You’ll get through this, find work and earn a living.

Why on earth did you feel it would be helpful to put any of that. Who the hell do you think that helps. Utterly thoughtless, pointless comment.

BabyOnBoard90 · 07/02/2023 08:28

Totally deplorable and disgusting behaviour.

That is such a deep level of disrespect and disregard for the marriage. And the children.

I Think YANBU for wanting to end it, and I usually shy away from the LTB advice

Justforthissnippet · 07/02/2023 08:36

I’ve been thinking of you all day OP (time zones). I hope that you managed some sleep.

As a previous poster said, stay with us. We will help you.

Please do consider who to confide in in real life too. You have nothing to be ashamed of.

Until last night I loved my husband, is it stupid to still be worried about him?

It’s not stupid, but it won’t serve your interests so you will need to be tough on this front. But gentle with yourself on most others.

Youpillock · 07/02/2023 08:49

TotallyLosttonight · 07/02/2023 08:10

Until last night I loved my husband, is it stupid to still be worried about him?

It's normal. It shows that you're a functioning, compassionate person. You can still be privately concerned but it's critical you put yourself first now too. Don't consider his wishes... he most certainly didn't with you. You will still be reeling and in shock but think very carefully about YOUR future and what you want. You may want your husband and family back together but he took this option off the table. So put yourself front and centre and inch forward with this outcome in mind.

PumpkinDart · 07/02/2023 08:51

Oh OP what a horrendous betrayal. Sending you love, please take some time off work, this is awful. Others have advised you to go to the Police but I can see your reluctant, do you have someone you can talk to who can help you to make sure you're doing the right thing? As for the holiday, you have 2 weeks can you try and find someone to take his place? I wouldn't be able to be in the same accommodation as him playing happy families, there's no trust there at all and whilst it's important for the children it may be even harder for them to take a separation straight after a holiday.

Anyway sending love to you 💐 look after yourself, you aren't alone everyone is here if you need to talk on MN until you can bring yourself to tell anyone in RL.

Butterflywing · 07/02/2023 08:51

It worries me you write he could lose his job over this which strongly suggests he is in a position of trust.

Posting his own wife for the world and his sons
to gawp and leer over knowing that you have a job yourself and are a mother whose employer, employees, husbands and sons might view is such a breech of trust he should not be working in a position of trust.

The fact he connived and premeditated and did it in a secretive underhand way means he should not be holding down a job in a position of trust.

Is he a headteacher or doctor or policeman by any chance?

Youpillock · 07/02/2023 08:57

Think very carefully about going on holiday with him. The trauma to you of putting on a brave face will be huge. Can you still go without him and either scale back on some activities or throw money at support with the children with kids clubs, extra lessons etc.

mightymam · 07/02/2023 09:02

I know someone who went through something very similar. She was a stay at home mum and bent over backwards for her creepy husband. She didn't work and was worried about finances but she wanted to shock him and reported him to the police. She didn't press charges in the end but the police involvement was enough for her husband to know the marriage was over and he quietly and quickly moved out. He didn't fight her for custody and their split of finances was easy as anything. He knew what he'd done was unforgivable.

TheaBrandt · 07/02/2023 09:04

This is worse than an affair. Different league even. I would hate him forever.

motimacboatface · 07/02/2023 09:05

You're in shock now but in time, you'll find your anger. You need that to move things along.

TheaBrandt · 07/02/2023 09:05

And his life gets ruined and he loses his job? Good. He should go to prison. Oh and it is a crime.

Original poster
TotallyLosttonight · 07/02/2023 09:07

I'm sorry I'm not replying to you all individually but you are all amazing, thank you. I'll keep posting on here, it's a good way to get my thoughts in order. He's gone to work, I'm at home waiting for my course to start. I'm going to do the training, if I don't I'll just fret all day and I'm no state to make any plans or decisions.

OP posts:
Original poster
TotallyLosttonight · 07/02/2023 09:08

Butterflywing · 07/02/2023 08:51

It worries me you write he could lose his job over this which strongly suggests he is in a position of trust.

Posting his own wife for the world and his sons
to gawp and leer over knowing that you have a job yourself and are a mother whose employer, employees, husbands and sons might view is such a breech of trust he should not be working in a position of trust.

The fact he connived and premeditated and did it in a secretive underhand way means he should not be holding down a job in a position of trust.

Is he a headteacher or doctor or policeman by any chance?

No he's not anything like that. I just mean a criminal record would probably see him sacked.

OP posts:
Blessedwithsunshine · 07/02/2023 09:08

I think you need to distance yourself immediately physically and financially prepare yourself now. Tell some trusted family or friends in RL to get the support you are going to need. I would report to the police because I think you need to know the extent of the sharing of your photos and footage