Page 12 | Hand hold please, my marriage is over

TotallyLosttonight · 2023-02-07T02:40:31+00:00

I think it is. I found out tonight that my husband has shared photos of me (sexual ones) on an adult chat room. I’ve had a feeling something was up for a few months but tonight I saw it on his laptop. I’m totally disgusted and devastated. I don’t think I can ever forgive him. The photos have my face! He knows I know, he says he’s really sorry, he’s got a problem, thinks he’s a sec addict, he’ll get help…I told him he does need help but it’s too late for me. I saw some pics on his laptop at Christmas and he made some stupid excuses. I wanted to believe him so I did, but my gut told me it wasn’t right. I tried to ignore that but tonight I realised the truth. We have 2 boys, aged 8 & 13. what do I do?? I’m devastated and the one person I want to hug me and comfort me is the one who has caused this.

NyanBinaryJohn · 11/02/2023 18:18

how will you feel if he repeats his behaviour with another woman, or women, seriously damaging them emotionally possibly with worse outcomes than you are experiencing?

Probably satisfied in the knowledge that she protected her children from the immediate fallout.

BlueLabel · 11/02/2023 18:48

While your main responsibility is to yourself and your children, how will you feel if he repeats his behaviour with another woman, or women, seriously damaging them emotionally possibly with worse outcomes than you are experiencing?

probably glad to have escaped him with her children and safe in the knowledge that only he is responsible for his actions. Take your victim blaming shit elsewhere.

Original poster

TotallyLosttonight · 12/02/2023 12:11

Chopbob · 10/02/2023 20:03

Just to play devil's advocate- something very very similar happened to me many years ago, and I eventually, after much soul searching chose to stay with my dh.

I know that many people think I made the wrong decision and may think I'm stupid but I'm now at peace and happy with the decision I made.

In the first few weeks I felt very much as you feel now- I was intent on separation, very practically minded. Dh moved out. I too have dc and worried deeply about the effects a separation would have on them.

I grieved the husband I thought I had. It's very hard to describe the pain- it's like they have died almost and you are stuck with this man that you know nothing about. You also grieve for the life you had- the house, the lifestyle etc. and I think it's very easy for others to say they will walk away from everything when it isn't their reality.

Very much like your Dh, my Dh was devastated and did not want a separation. He was also in other ways a good husband and life partner (although in this instance/situation he was far from a good husband!)

In the end, after much soul searching, I decided that if he would be committed to attending sex addiction therapy and also couples therapy that we MIGHT be able to make it work. I also attended therapy on my own to help me sort through my own feelings.

Therapy was incredibly useful in helping us both understand why he did what he did. The reasons were very complex and had deep roots into his childhood.

It also allowed me to talk through my feelings and made me realise what was more important to me...stability and familiarity and the person I had been with for 30+ years.

I want to make it clear, it was not an easy decision or an easy path to tread. In some ways it would have been easier to separate.

Has it been hard work. Yes. Have I cried a lot. Yes. Do I still love him. Yes. Would I 100% trust him again...No- but it has made me wiser and in many ways has improved our marriage. Our communication is better, we don't take each other or our family unit for granted.

He understands that if he ever let's me down again, there are no more chances.

I accept that everyone reacts and feels differently about such a catastrophic breach of trust within a marriage, but I don't think you know how you will react until it happens, no matter how much you empathise with a situation.

If you have made your mind up then please totally disregard my post, but I just wanted to give you perspective of an alternative.

Please look after yourself, don't bother what anyone else thinks- only your opinion matters now xxx

Thank you @Chopbob for sharing your story. I am convinced that separating is right for me, this behaviour goes back a long way. I have found a very good forum for partners of sex addicts and some do stay, some don’t. I can’t, I can’t imagine ever trusting him again

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Ladybug14 · 13/02/2023 07:33

How are you doing @TotallyLosttonight

TheaBrandt · 13/02/2023 07:49

I don’t see how you could stay. You didn’t find out til recently so he could start doing it again and you wouldn’t know. You would never rest easy. Who would put up with that mental torture just to stay with some sleazy man. No bloody way.

Original poster

TotallyLosttonight · 14/02/2023 19:36

Well I've spoken to a solicitor, house is about to be valued. I've told some friends in RL that we are separating (but not the details). I've been in touch with the support network that will help me get these images taken down. Today I'm calmer, yesterday I was a wreck. Who knows what tomorrow will bring but right now just one foot in front of the other.

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mathanxiety · 14/02/2023 19:57

Sending you every good wish, @TotallyLosttonight

One foot in front of the other is the best thing you can do. And look - you're still standing!

I'm glad you are able to get in touch with the revenge porn org. I hope they'll help you feel more in control of the situation. Please avail of any therapeutic help they offer, and you could look into Rape Crisis too.

Notjusta · 14/02/2023 20:44

Glad you are moving forward lovely - keep going. You're doing really well x

Mississippi6 · 14/02/2023 20:54

I am so sorry, that’s so low, it actually made me sick.

KatherineJaneway · 14/02/2023 22:25

Good luck, keep going

Mississippi6 · 14/02/2023 23:20

Crikeyalmighty · 09/02/2023 11:06

@TotallyLosttonight that's the thing isn't it. My H never really did any housework once I moved in , at that point a lot of women kind of enjoy 'playing house' and 'looking after' a man- early on in a relationship -at least they did 28 years ago- and I sort of set the tone very early on and once you do it then feels awkward to change it without some men seeing it as 'criticism'. As you say 'older and wiser' - if I am ever on my own again I won't be so obliging. That's why I think a lot of older men like younger women, many are less likely to call out their shit.

@Crikeyalmighty so true!! My mum warned me about this, told me never to cook/ clean for a man or I will end up cooking and cleaning my whole life.

BibbleandSqwauk · 15/02/2023 06:52

Well done op. You're handling this incredibly well. As for the switching around of emotions, yes it's very normal. After my ex left for ow, I had all sorts..even a year later when I had bought a house alone, negotiated two house moves with small kids and was feeling very proud of myself , when I got the keys and went in ..I sat and sobbed for all that had led me there and where I thought I'd be but wasn't. Don't be thrown off by it and allow yourself time to feel those things. I spent a good year in that new house, amongst all that needed doing, carving out a quiet, nice place, with books and candles once the kids were in bed to just be quiet and heal. You're doing really really well.

Original poster

TotallyLosttonight · 15/02/2023 08:37

BibbleandSqwauk · 15/02/2023 06:52

Well done op. You're handling this incredibly well. As for the switching around of emotions, yes it's very normal. After my ex left for ow, I had all sorts..even a year later when I had bought a house alone, negotiated two house moves with small kids and was feeling very proud of myself , when I got the keys and went in ..I sat and sobbed for all that had led me there and where I thought I'd be but wasn't. Don't be thrown off by it and allow yourself time to feel those things. I spent a good year in that new house, amongst all that needed doing, carving out a quiet, nice place, with books and candles once the kids were in bed to just be quiet and heal. You're doing really really well.

Thank you. I'm not going to lie yesterday was f*cking awful. I'm feeling a bit better today. I'm trying not to think too far ahead but I know that some moments will be unbearable.

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Original poster

TotallyLosttonight · 15/02/2023 09:52

I'm feeling awful. I've been looking for support forums for partners of sex addicts. They are out there, but most people on them seem to be staying with their partner and working on their recovery. I wish I could want this but I don't.

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Justforthissnippet · 15/02/2023 14:29

Hold on in there @TotallyLosttonight You’re doing so well. Unbelievably well, but there will be times when it just feels awful. You will feel better again though.

Chopbob · 15/02/2023 14:43

You're doing incredible OP, take each day at a time and it will get easier.

The feelings are so confusing at first and that is completely normal. Allow yourself to feel those feeling and be kind to yourself.

I also found it incredibly cathartic to tell everything to my very best friend as I too struggled to find support in the aftermath. And I really did tell her everything. The potential breakdown of our marriage was something that was way too difficult and painful for me to do alone- remember the shame is not yours, it is HIS shame. (I do accept that maybe others don't have someone or do not feel comfortable to share what has happened to them, and that's ok).

kateandme · 16/02/2023 16:29

TotallyLosttonight · 15/02/2023 09:52

I'm feeling awful. I've been looking for support forums for partners of sex addicts. They are out there, but most people on them seem to be staying with their partner and working on their recovery. I wish I could want this but I don't.

But that's not the normal op.they are created for that reason.thode who left won't create the need as much.those who stay are desperate from others with how to do so.they neeeed that support.
You xan leave.you bloody should.hes hurt you in way un imaginable. Worse than that.
This isn't about them.they need so much comfort hence the forums.womsn who leave,leave.end of.more likely not to want to seek out the same stuff if they need to move on and away from this.
You've made the right decision op.honestly.
Your mind was so set.dont let it tumble because others haven't you don't no their circumstances. Or how it pans out even.
He's gas proven what evil is hun.believe it.because noone that dies that to someone they love. Jesus noone does that yo another hunan! There's a fucking law against it.thsts how horrific it is.
Its OK yo feel up foen all over. But that foesnt mean your doing it wrong. It means you are doing hard work .it's emotional. It's totally fine.

Notjusta · 16/02/2023 19:16

Step away from the forums. Doing what other people have done/doing what you think people want you to do can end up with your feelings at the very bottom of the pile and it can end up feeling like you are backed into a corner, trust me.

Are you in contact with your husband?

Original poster

TotallyLosttonight · 17/02/2023 07:49

Notjusta · 16/02/2023 19:16

Step away from the forums. Doing what other people have done/doing what you think people want you to do can end up with your feelings at the very bottom of the pile and it can end up feeling like you are backed into a corner, trust me.

Are you in contact with your husband?

Yes, he's still here while looking for somewhere else to live. He's starting counselling today and is begging me to give him a chance to be better. I've said no, my mind is made up but a little part of me thinks maybe. If he was a drug addict or an alcoholic would I give him a chance to get better?

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GoodChat · 17/02/2023 07:58

I don't think the issue is the addiction though OP, it's the betrayal.

Maybe if it was drugs you'd give him support to get better, but this is him posting your naked pictures online for his own gratification. It's not the same.

slamfightbrightlight · 17/02/2023 08:02

He has to want to seek help for himself, and not because he thinks it will win you back.

Notjusta · 17/02/2023 08:24

I agree there is a difference between alcohol/drug addiction because in those circumstances he would not have used you as a commodity without your consent. Not only does he have an addiction (and to be fair even this is just his say so), which in itself is enough of a reason to leave a marriage if you want to, but he has also sexually abused you and traded sexual images of you with others.

Is the search for somewhere else to live happening in earnest? Or is he hoping if he drags his feet he'll be able to win you round?

Original poster

TotallyLosttonight · 17/02/2023 09:51

GoodChat · 17/02/2023 07:58

I don't think the issue is the addiction though OP, it's the betrayal.

Maybe if it was drugs you'd give him support to get better, but this is him posting your naked pictures online for his own gratification. It's not the same.

That's a good way of putting it.

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Original poster

TotallyLosttonight · 17/02/2023 09:52

slamfightbrightlight · 17/02/2023 08:02

He has to want to seek help for himself, and not because he thinks it will win you back.

He promises he will continue with help whether we are together or not.

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Original poster

TotallyLosttonight · 17/02/2023 09:54

Notjusta · 17/02/2023 08:24

I agree there is a difference between alcohol/drug addiction because in those circumstances he would not have used you as a commodity without your consent. Not only does he have an addiction (and to be fair even this is just his say so), which in itself is enough of a reason to leave a marriage if you want to, but he has also sexually abused you and traded sexual images of you with others.

Is the search for somewhere else to live happening in earnest? Or is he hoping if he drags his feet he'll be able to win you round?

True. I'm struggling, I don't want to split up. I don't want to share my time with my children. I need to though. I could never look myself in the eye again if I stay with him. I never wanted any of this.

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