Page 13 | Hand hold please, my marriage is over

TotallyLosttonight · 2023-02-07T02:40:31+00:00

I think it is. I found out tonight that my husband has shared photos of me (sexual ones) on an adult chat room. I’ve had a feeling something was up for a few months but tonight I saw it on his laptop. I’m totally disgusted and devastated. I don’t think I can ever forgive him. The photos have my face! He knows I know, he says he’s really sorry, he’s got a problem, thinks he’s a sec addict, he’ll get help…I told him he does need help but it’s too late for me. I saw some pics on his laptop at Christmas and he made some stupid excuses. I wanted to believe him so I did, but my gut told me it wasn’t right. I tried to ignore that but tonight I realised the truth. We have 2 boys, aged 8 & 13. what do I do?? I’m devastated and the one person I want to hug me and comfort me is the one who has caused this.

Helpwhatwouldyoudonext · 17/02/2023 10:14

He ended your marriage when he uploaded your personal images.
When he sat there and pressed 'send', he knew it would upset you, and he did it anyway.
That's what I'd remember. Accept that it's sad the marriage is ending, but also accept he has ended it for you. He has taken away your choice.
Good luck, stay strong.

Rainbowqueeen · 17/02/2023 10:22

Maybe some therapy for yourself would be a good idea. And maybe keeping a diary?

Id have to end my marriage too if this happened to me. So matter how shit it made me feel and no matter how little I wanted it.

Keep reminding yourself that this is a really big thing to go through and process and that it’s very early days. As time goes on there will be more good days than bad.

TifT · 17/02/2023 10:24

Well stick at it then. People like your husband need to know that actions like this have severe consequences. Everyone has wobbles when they split up but what he did is absolutely unforgivable in my opinion. It violated you without your say so. Despicable behaviour and totally unforgivable for me that. The “sex addiction” is a smokescreen. I bet you if you leave and he has no hope of reconciliation, the counselling will stop. He is only doing that to try and work his way back in. He is a snake and you are better off without him, however difficult that may be.

bellabasset · 17/02/2023 10:24

You clearly need a breathing space from your dh, there's no hurry to rush into a divorce so put it on hold for a few months. That will give you time to get counselling and your dh and you won't look back and think you were too hasty.

Original poster

TotallyLosttonight · 17/02/2023 19:04

He's still trying to convince me to give him another chance. The bastard had the cheek to say us separating will be damaging to the children. I know it will! He's caused this, not me. I'm so bloody angry tonight.

OP posts:

Northernsouloldies · 17/02/2023 19:19

Op as you rightly said he caused it. Honestly my own gender make me sick at times. When I read things like this, I do wonder wtf is wrong with these men to treat partners so badly.

ReneBumsWombats · 17/02/2023 19:28

TotallyLosttonight · 17/02/2023 19:04

He's still trying to convince me to give him another chance. The bastard had the cheek to say us separating will be damaging to the children. I know it will! He's caused this, not me. I'm so bloody angry tonight.

Don't listen to this hypocritical, manipulative shite. Staying with a man who sends intimate pictures of his wife to strangers without her consent is way more damaging to children than forcing them to live with such a sicko. He doesn't get to abuse you like this and then suddenly turn all Dad of the Year to prevent you escaping.

ReneBumsWombats · 17/02/2023 19:29

I meant, more damaging than not forcing them to live with the sicko. You know what I meant.

MiniDinosaur · 17/02/2023 19:47

It would be more damaging for your DC to grow up with a parent who is deeply unhappy and compromising her values to stay in a broken relationship. I speak from experience.

ThatWardrobe · 17/02/2023 19:48

He should have thought about that then, shouldn't he? He's compounding it now. Has he forgotten he's committed a crime, and it's against you? You're doing everything right, and I'm glad you're not letting him manipulate you.

Pardon44 · 17/02/2023 20:02

TotallyLosttonight · 17/02/2023 19:04

He's still trying to convince me to give him another chance. The bastard had the cheek to say us separating will be damaging to the children. I know it will! He's caused this, not me. I'm so bloody angry tonight.

Tell him to fuck himself. The closest he'll ever get to you again is watch one of his video's. His behaviour is unforgivable and criminal. He killed your relationship. He annihilated your trust. He has shared your image with all an sundry. His kids will be further damaged by seeing you both fucking if they or their friends are unlucky enough to stubble upon it. Reconciliation is not an option. EVER.

Fifi00 · 17/02/2023 20:07

I'm not usually one to say go all guns blazing but those photos you have no idea where they are , they could have been re-uploaded to Reddit / pornsites / twitter. You need to use tineye to reverse image search to see if they are elsewhere on the web. You need to report him to the police there's potential your children / parents / family/ work colleagues could see them which would be really humiliating. If you preemptive report him they will know what an utter horrible man he is. I worry if you decide to divorce without reporting he will just upload them for revenge . He's not a nice man.

Also your son's they are at an impressionable age, do you want them to think it's ok to treat women like that ? You need to report and get rid for both you and your kids sake.

tillyoumakeit · 17/02/2023 20:52

For fucks sake!!! I'm so mad on your behalf. Arsehole. He needs to make some major steps to finding somewhere else to live this weekend.

slamfightbrightlight · 17/02/2023 21:06

Every time he says that shit, the only response is “did you think of that when you were violating my privacy for your own gratification?” Over and over and over.

MightyFishwife · 17/02/2023 21:07

I couldn’t read your post and not comment, OP — you poor, poor thing. He’s done a terrible thing. I have no advice, I’m just so sorry for you x

tensmum1964 · 17/02/2023 23:05

TotallyLosttonight · 17/02/2023 19:04

He's still trying to convince me to give him another chance. The bastard had the cheek to say us separating will be damaging to the children. I know it will! He's caused this, not me. I'm so bloody angry tonight.

Absolutely right it will. So why the fuck did he do it. How dare he lay that at you doorstep. I obviously don't know your husband but on behalf of you I hate him with a vengeance because he has caused this mess and then dared to gaslight you in to feeling guilty. What an absolute despicable human he is. I'm so sorry OP, no one deserves this.

TheaBrandt · 18/02/2023 08:02

Wow. He really had the brass neck to say if you end the relationship it would harm the children?! How did you not laugh in his face? He’s lucky hes not in a fucking police cell.

mynamesnotMa · 18/02/2023 08:22

Please report this to the police
God knows what else he's done
He is taking no responsibility
You aren't ending the marriage you are prioritising your children and your mental and physical health.
He has zero respect for women or his family.

kateandme · 18/02/2023 17:36

TotallyLosttonight · 17/02/2023 19:04

He's still trying to convince me to give him another chance. The bastard had the cheek to say us separating will be damaging to the children. I know it will! He's caused this, not me. I'm so bloody angry tonight.

Op doing what he did isn't a symptom of sex addiction. Sorry it's just not. He's lying. He hasn't gone and had sex. Been online at horrific sites perusing porn. Or even bought images himself. He has SOLD YOU. He has abused you. He crossed the line into just being a bad guy at that point.
He uploaded and traded images of you.he gave intimate images of YOU to other men.thst not sex addiction. Its vile.criminsl.abuse.
Tell him yo walk into the toom and tell the children I uploaded sexudl pictures of your mum and sold them.shes now in other news computers. I also bought off them of their own partners. See who they think is ruining fucking lives.see if they ever gesl from that.

Would uou ever tell uour child,friend,family yo stay or ge anywhere near someone who coikd fo this.or would you want to rip them apart and get your loved one far away.

To stay is to damage them. Sorry it is.
Protect yourself.and them.
Because slso the risk due to the people he's sold images to is not nothing either.
That's dark shit.

TicketBoo23 · 19/02/2023 22:47

TotallyLosttonight · 17/02/2023 19:04

He's still trying to convince me to give him another chance. The bastard had the cheek to say us separating will be damaging to the children. I know it will! He's caused this, not me. I'm so bloody angry tonight.

Ah the old "Ive totally fucked up this marriage and done unforgivable things but it's your fault if you end it over them and break up our kids home".

I guess he should've thought about his kids when he - as another poster correctly described - sold you online. Entirely without your consent. And he was almost caught - you were suspicious unhappy - but he kept in doing it.

His line is up there with the poster whose h told her it was her fault their marriage was over and his life was ruined - for finding out he's been using prostitutes. Yep, her fault.

It would be funny if they aren't abusing and wrecking women's lives.

Hiddenvoice · 19/02/2023 23:01

I just read all your posts op and I am so sorry you’re going through this.

I am glad you are doing what feels right to you. It is entirely your decision if you want to contact the police, no one can guilt you into making a choice you don’t want to make.

You are doing Incredibly well by contacting solicitors and speaking to a helpline. Just as a pp suggested, when you’re ready, I’d maybe consider speaking to a therapist.

Some people choose to stay with their partners and some people choose to separate. I’ve not been in your position but I have been cheated on and I know that when you’re put in a horrible position and feel like your world is falling apart then it’s really difficult to make decisions. You might always say you’ll forgive and move on or you’ll separate but you never really know what you’ll do until you’re right there stuck in that place.

Do not let him guilt you about the children. He has caused this, he has ruined the marriage and your family, not you.

Apairofsparklingeyes · 19/02/2023 23:47

You need to tell him something like ‘Let me be very clear. I will never, ever forgive or forget what you’ve done. Our marriage is over and we are divorcing. When are you moving out?’